I thank you all for your love and quick responses. I have gotten some rest and I suppose I do feel better. I wish I could make set decisions and stick with them with regard to my ws but this has all been such a nightmare..I have to wonder if I will ever wake up.

Ws brought daughter home last night and came in. He apologized for going to dinner with this ow. He says it is not Andrea just some girl he met at the Harley shop and bought dinner for on a whim. BTW the way I found out is I checked our joint bank account he is still using and I saw the entry for Ruby Tuesdays and realized it was much more than a dinner for one. I lied to him and when we talked that morning I mentioned a friend of mine had seen him this week and I asked him if he had been at Ruby Tuesdays..his reply was oh no, I wouldnt even eat there. Thats a man for you..not thinking! I said oh well it must have been someone else Renea saw and left it at that. My mind wants to believe him so much that my thinking afterwards was ok, he says he was not there..it then hit me I was fooling myself..it was there in black and white. On the way to work Saturday I called him and asked him if he had looked at the bank account and told him I had to check on my car payment. He knew then he was caught.

He apologized last night and said he knew better. I reminded him of our agreement with this seperation. He brought up that we needed to get together more a date night just us once a week, and he wanted to start going to the gym with me. I sobbed of course (I dont know where all these tears can keep coming from) and agreed.

This morning however I woke up and the first thought that comes to my mind is it is time to file for a divorce. I now hang my head in despair..this is not what I want but I cant keep this up. He wants to work on things he says because we have twenty years invested...so what I say to myself. What have or do these years mean after all the destruction of the last several monthes. I cant't make him feel "passion" for me, I cant make him love me and I think sometimes..actually all the time he is doing these things because he is suppose to. I want him to want to.I still cant believe all of this is happening, and I am so damn scared of the future especially without him. He said yesterday I know you are in love with me..my reply was let me bring you up to date...I am not in love with you..how could I be after all of this? I do love you I want our family but I am not in love with you right now.

should I just stop all of this foolishness and go on and file? Or do I hold on a little longer and see what happens?

Mishes,

Please re-read the posts on this thread. You are being given some solid thoughts to answer your last question. Those offering advice (not me, I'm your resident MB cheerleader) have extensive experience with the MB guidelines that can fix your marriage.

Please take a moment to draw in a deep breath and re-read what they have said. Do you know how to respond to suggestions with quotes? That little tool will help get you on your way.

Take each suggestion one at a time. Cut and paste it to a new post on this thread and ask all the questions you can think of. Baby steps...one at a time. Otherwise, it's too overwhelming. I think you know what that means.

Ace

Mishes,

Don't make life changing decisions while in a highly emotionally charged state. DON'T!

Instead, step back and take some deep cleansing breathes. You need to get a plan in action so your H c/b whopped to his senses.

Take a look, see what you had t/d to get him to fess up! He is willing to take a Harley worker to dinner? What's up with that? Sounds like babble. If he isn't fessing up to the Ruby Tuesday charge.....let him know you plan on notifying the card company of identify theft! Ha..... that's a good one because what we have witnessed is a CHANGE in identity from your H into a WS. In reality ID theft is a crime but crimes of the heart are not breaking the law of the land unless another crime is committed (you know what I mean).

So what can you do? Let's get you a bit stronger so you w/b able to reverse babble through his malarkey and then decide if you want to stay M to this one or not.

See he is still a WS and I would throw plan B at him but not sure your mind and heart are in sync yet. You need to have a plan, be in sync B4 you go to plan B. Have you identified your boundaries yet? Finish reading those books we suggested?

Your WS is shaky and that's a good thing. You've got the upper hand but if you stay emotionally charged, you could blow it for you.

L.

Hi Mishes,

Sorry you're going through this. This point here you might check into more:

"You know another thought is we havent had sex..I thought he wanted things to be really good between us first and did not pressure him although I needed to feel close to him in that way...now I know why..its been nine weeks..he has been sleeping with her I suppose."

I do not know the entire situation, but for most men, that would be a long time to not be intimate. If you're in plan A, fulfilling that top emotional need could deposit a lot of love units.

I know from personal experience that this stuff is very difficult to work through. Many of the things it takes to win back the WS, seem much like encouragement to keep doing what they're doing, but it's not. It's winning over your WS when the OP might not be trying to, and while the WS and OP begin to be who they really are, to each other. As the fantasy of the A dies, he should see the value of the M through all the plan A things done over time.

God bless,
CS

Ok all ..here is the latest. Maybe I did not handle this correctly but it was like "my fog" had been lifted.As I said this morning I decided I probably should go and see an attorny..enough was enough.

I tried to call him a few times and text him but no answer. I decided I would go to the jobsite and tell him face to face. I did not go upset or mad we have been pretty steady with high strung things (at least when we are together). So I headed that way and decided to stop by his apartment which is on the way in case he was working on his motorcycle and missing my calls, etc. Well low and behold his truck was there, and beside that a Ford F150..which I happen to know that Andrea drives. I get out of my car since I realize they are probably both on the bike and look through the window of her camper shell and see all sorts of cleaning supplies (she is a maid) and know it is hers. I go to his door and knock..no answer as I suspected. I go and sit in my car, text him and tell him I am at his house and we need to all three sit down and talk this through...no reply. So as I am sitting there crying in my car trying to decide what to do my son 17 comes by to see his dad. His dad had wanted him to work with/for him today and my son was feeling kind of guilty because he had not and was just stopping to see him. He pulls up sees me crying and ask if that is her truck...I said I think so..he gets out of hims car gets a bat out of the back seat and proceeds to smash out every window, in his fathers truck and in hers. then he picks up his cell phone calls the police tells them what he has done, where he will be and that he is waiting for them. The police show up we tell them the story...turns out since Ws and I are still married the truck is as much mine as it is his fathers so he cannot press charges against my son..did not think he would any way. She however can...have not heard anything from the police so I am assuming that she does not plan to.

I went home. Ws called shortly after wanting to know what was going on...tried to tell me I had it all wrong....I said I am done. The worst part is nt what you have done to me but what you have done to our children.

I want to encourage the relationship between father and son but for right now as bitter as this sounds let Ws stew in it.The next call is his....I plan to make appoitment with attorny tommorow.

Mishes,

Your son has been betrayed and this is how he expressed it. This is the WS' fault.

Please give your son a hug and even though violence is never encouraged, it is understandable that he is angry.

OW had better think twice before she is a floozy again.

See why it is better NOT to hide info from the children? It is better they are part of your support group so that when these types of confrontations met, they can be dealt with group support.

Hugz to you and your children.

L.

Hi Mishes,

I think you did good to sit and wait for him and her to come back so you could talk and find out where to go with it. The he(( in all this is not knowing where it's going, sitting down might have answered it.

None of us here on MB can tell you how it will turn out, or what will work best for you. Even counselors have a tough time with A's. We all have ideas, things that may or may not work in your situation. Some ideas can backfire with the wrong people involved. What I suggested above, could have gotten you STDs. There is no perfect answer other than your WH coming to his senses and realizing who he's losing. A counselor might be able to help the best, but unless people are honest and open about what they feel and what they're planning, their suggestions might fail too.

Sitting down with your WH and the OW might get honesty from her, but I think the WH would be very unconfortable sitting on the fence post he's propped himself up on while trying to hold on to the both of you.

I wish no one ever had to go through any of this, most of all your son. Your son does strike me as someone strong and caring to have stood up for you like that.

Please only try the things you think will work well for you and ignore what doesn't make sense for what you're going through. You are the best judge of that. Good luck.

God bless,
CS

Whoa, Mishes! I truly feel for your son; that kid is probably fuming. Best thing for him, though, is to not be so involved with YOUR R with your WH. Discussing his opinion with his father is one thing, but I would worry over what your son may DO next time he is confronted with your pain and your WH's poor choices.

Now, I would definitely get legal counsel, and, if you want to save the M, get an LSA going. Don't file for D unless you are READY. You are not. Those emotions will aide you in making some poor decisions. Wait until you are ready.

Hey Mishes,

Did you make that attny appt.?

You do need to protect yourself, but please do NOT make any hasty major decisions when you're so emotional.

Others have blazed the same trail and can help you with your plan and strategy.

How's it going? Are you on AD's?

Ace

you know when it rains it pours!! My computor has crashed and guess who really knows nothing other than how to hit MB?? Oh well, least of my worries...on my daughters lap top I will do my best to type.

Did call attorny appoitment on the fourteenth..soonest available..they are suppose to be very good. Dilema now is my ws says my son is going to have to pay fo the ow truck or she is going to press charges..he is a minor and plans to become a police officer so this would not look good, however I hate to pay for it. I told my ws that I thought sinc he actually caused all of this by hisgames and lies that he should be the one to pay for it...he agreed and said he has realized now what a huge mistake he has made ..I asked what brought him to that conclusion.knowing I was goin to drrag him through the mud? He said no he had just begun to come to a realization about it all.

My response was/is you have played games with me and our family. You know how I have felt but I am no longer going to put the effort into this. If this is what you want..your family and me then you are going to have to prove yourself to us. He agreed,
UI am not going to cancel my appoitment with the attorney but it was up to him now to get and keep this ball rolling. He tried to tell me that they are just friends...oh my gosh..do I look and act two? Don't answer that because at times I have acted like it I know. We will see what he is made of now....the cards are in my hand. I dont know what I want. Not even sure if I really love him anymore after all of this. One thing for sure though..I am not going to make it easy..I advised him that he has to end his friendship with Andrea and get rid of the Harley.

Advice?

Advice?

Mishes,

Find time to research Plan B. Your love is draining, Plan B will plug what little is left......IF YOU WANT TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE.

AT any rate, you are far too emotional to make any major decisions about Plan D right now. Your 'wishy washiness' seems to prove that you're not sure.

Ask Silentlucidity and others with Plan B experience what you need to know and then commit to follow through, post your progress and respond specifically to their suggestions little by little, step by step.

You can do this, Mishes.

Are you on AD's?

Can your IC help with a strategy?

Do you have vacation time coming so you can do this with adequate rest?

Keep your attorney appt. but plan to make a plan that will work for you.

Study Plan B letters to find the right simple one for you.

I'll be here to encourage you but you must do the research and make your plan.....one that you can follow through without losing your focus.

Ace

Hey Mishes,

Are you working? What's happening?

Ace

Morning Mishes,

Are you still working the late shift?

Praying for you.

Ace

Hey Mishes,

How r u doing? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Mishes,

Get to that lawyer, ask many questions, ask about legal separation agreements and what they entail. Start the ball rolling, legally, and then begin to mull over how you will transition into Plan B.

Your WH doesn't know what to do partly because he is still up on them fences. He doesn't have to make a decision right now; it's too difficult, and there is nothing prompting him to change the situation. If you are unafraid, Plan B is for you. YOu must be ready, however, due to your own withdrawal from the entangled mess you are living in right now.

This whole situation hurts everyone involved, especially the children, no matter how old, it seems. Read up on writing a Plan B letter. When/if you are ready, compose your version and post it here. People will critique it for you and help you to make it short but sweet.

Please get legal advise before you make ANY large decisions

Here is the update:

I took my daughter and we went up to the Smokey Mountains for three days...most relaxed and content I have been in months. Ws was surprised and called us every night. when we got home he came over and fixed my computor..seems he knows exactly what he wants..his family. He for the first time in months looked me in the eye and said I want you to know how sorry I am for the he(( I have put you through over the last year, and I am going to be the man, husband and father I was raised to be and was before. He has been too! He has called everyday, or textes me, he has taken me to dinner, a party and has just been the man I used to know and love so much. He has ended the affair/friendship and we have been back to the counslors..the counslor discussed trust issues and the importance of ending once and for all the affair..no contact for any reason. I truly believe he has done this. He also has come back home...we will move his apartment back home next week.

I am proceeding with caution...I do feel he is being honest with me though for the first time. My son is very upset that I am letting him come back home..I do understand this but have also explained to him that my relationship with his dad is separate from our relationship as a family. Contradicts me involving him and telling him things about our problems. I encouraged him to give his father time and explained how as time goes by this will get easier and we will get better as a family. I was not very convincing to him but I know ws had a talk with him last night while I was working.

I know we have a long way to go..but it feels right. I see my ws more content and he is so much more loving and is expressing his feelings more. I have not cancelled my appoitment with the attorny...I am waiting to see what happens, but I do have faith.

Input? Suggestions?
Mish

Mishes,

I want to encourage you but I must caution you. BEEEEEE CAREFUL!!!!!!

YEA!!!!!!! He's moving back home. That is a good thing....step one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know others will chime in soon to give you step by step procedures. Did he write/send an NC letter?

I have three suggestions:

The first is to post every day. I realize you went to the mountains with DD and your computer broke down, and you work late, but MB principles must be adhered in their entirely for them to be most effective. Posters can help you endure the rollercoaster ride you're embarking on now if you share the good and bad consistently.

2) Keep your date with your attorney. Don't let your guard down, know your rights, protect yourself, prepare for setbacks.

3) List your situation (family w/ ages, D-Days, moving out/in info, etc.) with your sig line when you ask for suggestions so posters can be reminded of your sitch and offer suggestions/encouragement accordingly.

I'm proud of you, Mishes. I'm continuing to pray for you and hoping for the best.

Ace

PS Not sure how you should deal with DS19, but I'm sure others will help you.

I have not cancelled my appoitment with attorney and I intend to keep it..the 14th.

The weekend was really good. I had to work Friday and Saturday night but ws was home with daughter working on pool and yard. Sunday morning we were both out there and he looked at me and said "It feels so good to be home." We grilled steaks and relaxed during the evening. My ws had a long talk with middle son ...not many details but son has come home each night and had a somewhat happy attitude. I know this will take time and hubby will have to prove himself to the kids (the family) and regain our trust.

Last night around ten thirty the phone rang...caller id said private call. This happened three more times..I answered once and had ws answer the others. The person either just sat there or hung up. Again this morning at five thirty the phone rang..I answered no response. Then at six I had ws answer it and I could here the other woman yelling call me! Ws hung up phone and said it was her...gee imagine that!! I had no respone..no questions, no tears I just went on about my routine. Ws stopped me put his arms around me and said do not worry about this..I love you and I will again take care of this today. My only response was your wife and kids are counting on you.he replied I will take care of it. The phone rang two more times this morning, I answered it..no response..guess she is out of things to say now that the whole thing is going to be over. The last call posted her name on the id...I suppose she wants me to know its her..again I just hung up and kept the phone off the hook. I just put it back on the hook...not sure why. I just want this prson out of our lives.

Again, I am proceeding with caution, but while I am not ever going to blindly trust...I think I can tell he is serious this time. We will see...all things obviously are exposed in time.

Mishes

How and where do I go to post Ddays, kids ages etc?

Go to the top and click on the "My Home" button on the bronze banner.