I know I need to take things slow but I am totally falling for a great guy. In the past I've always seem to have been attracted to opposites but he is so much like me it's scary. It's really nice being on the same wavelength as someone. We are both givers and he is so good to me. He has a 13yr old dd so he is also respectful of my realtionship with my dd. Even his exwife (met and likes me) has made the comment that we make a good match.

It just seems that my 18yr old daughter is suddenly against me dating. I can't seem to get her to talk about it and she previously told me that she was ok with me dating. It's just that now that I'm exclusive and starting to get serious with someone, she's showing a lot of resentment. I know she doesn't want to see me hurt and is a little jealous. I just can't help feeling like she is trying to keep me from being happy. (I realize it's just a selfish feeling.)

Last week the three of us were talking about the new Pirates movie and I mentioned that BF could come with me and dd to see it. I got a dirty look from dd so I later told BF that I would go to movie just with her. I also asked him not to come to her graduation so that I could focus my attention on her. He had looked forward to coming to share that time with me and meet my parents, but he was very understanding and didn't get upset.

DD is spending a week with my parents and I had planned to drive the 3hr drive to get her this weekend. I had thought of asking BF to come along but he asked if he could join me before I mentioned it. Today, I asked my mother if it would be ok with her. Typical protective mother but she didn't seem to have a problem with it. Then DD got on the phone and told me that she didn't think it would be a good idea. She wouldn't really explain why and took a tone like she was the mother and me the child. It doesn't seem like she has anything against BF personally, just me getting serious with someone.

DD is a wonderful young woman so I know I ought to be glad that this is one of the few problems I have and just focus my attention on her until she goes off to college. I just really enjoy being around BF and am disturbed by DD's attitude.

How long have you been divorced? How long have you known the BF? Have you dated much before him, i.e. is this the first BF since the divorce that your daughter has met?

I think you should probably try to understand some of the reasons behind your daughter's resentments. They may be that the divorce is very recent, she is feeling neglected/ignored/scared, or whatever.

Regardless, I'd investigate it further.

I know that my kids (who were 3 and 5 at the time) complained bitterly to me when their mom started dating her now-husband. Apparently she was so infatuated with him that she wanted to spend every evening with him, so according to the kids (not always reliable, I know) she plopped them in front of the TV every evening and spent the evening making out with the guy on the couch. When I asked her about it, she told me that they needed to adjust and get used to it, that she and BF were "Serious", and they needed to accept it.

I think you should be very careful to not ignore your daughter's concerns. Then again, you are an adult, she is an adult, and you also want to be careful to not let her run (or manipulate) your life. Tough balance, for sure.

AGG

I understand some of her feelings. My divorce took almost two years with almost no contact with X for the last year and 1/2 so dd is used to having my full attention. She is also going to West Point and will have to report for training in July. She is understandably a little nervous.

I've dated about 5 other guys since my divorce which was finalized March 1, two of which dd met. I do a background search on all dates. One I dated for about 4 months and started dating before my d was finalized. DD didn't seem to mind, but I never saw that realtionship as becoming serious.

I met current BF online and emailed for about a month before meeting. We have been dating since mid April. I know I should slow things down until at least dd goes off but I can't help feeling a little resentful.

I think your DD may be somewhat anxious about all the changes that are facing her now that she has finished high school. High school graduation is a tough transition for lots of kids. (I've taught high school for 18 years or so...)

For 12 years they knew what was expected of them. Now, they are being told that THEY are in charge of the rest of their lives. I teach high school, and most kids (even the college bound ones) tell me they are "scared" about graduating.

Add the transition of her mom now getting a new man in her life. It's a lot of change. So, she may just need to know that she's a priority in your life and won't have to share your attention with your BF.

Well, a couple of things.

First, I find it odd that a man you met only a month ago is already viewed as your "BF". That's very quick. But OK, I have BTDT, so I understand. Not that I'd recommend it, or would do it again, because you have basically elevated a stranger to a "BF" status without really knowing him. But, I understand. Still, to include him in all the activities you mentioned does seem premature.

Second, kids prefer a more gradual introduction than that. Yes, you are infatuated with your new man, and that is great. But do not expect your kids to share that infatuation, or to be thrilled about having that new person in their lives. This person is an intruder to your daughter, and you should appreciate that. It is not selfish of her to not be ready to open up to him; rather, it's selfish of you to expect her to do so.

Anyway, I'd recommend two things - 1) slow down with the man and let things happen more slowly, 2) do not impose him onto your time with your daughter, especially if she is leaving home very soon.

AGG

I know your DD is 18, but I think she senses something serious here and it prob. threatens her fantasy that you and your ex will get back together....

Is your ex remarried? Does he have a GF? If he does, I wonder if his relationship, as AGG's exWW, has taken over precedence and she feels "2nd best", and she fears your focus now will shift to your BF

Children of divorce get very possesive and fear more change. I don't blame them. Your entire world, as you knew it and loved it, has been turned upside down and now you have no clue what's coming next.

Definitely investigate it more and open up an honest dialogue w/ your DD.

AGG: I agree, it has been fast. I've never felt so comfortable or in tune with someone and it's been hard to pace the relationship. I talked with BF about conversation with DD. Although I sensed he is disapointed, he pointed out that there will be plenty of time to meet my family after she goes off to college. So (1) he's willing to let me put DD first and (2) he thinks in terms of a future for us. He is very close to his DD and has mentioned that he likes the fact that I make my DD a priority and gives me credit for having such a good kid.

DW: Ex is remarried with a baby due any day now. We have no contact with him or his two boys (21 & 17) even though he adopted DD when we married. DD was angry with me for even working on the marriage for 6 months after dday 1. Now that I think about it, I think I'm worried that DD is turning into a man hater. She is very focused on her future career and claims that she will never marry. She still has a lot of anger toward ex. She is also very protective of me and I think fears that I will be hurt again. I definitely need to talk to DD.

Also, a friend brought up the fact that previously DD was busy with school activities while I was dating. It does seem like the attitude change has been more since school is out and she is not so busy with her friends.

A little about BF:

I just started calling him BF in the last few weeks when we agreed to be exclusive. He actually asked me if he could call me his GF because he "didn't want to call me that without my approval." He has even helped mow my yard and fix some things around my house, and can hold an intelligent conversation. He talks about his diverse interests with me but doesn't expect me to join in or meet his level of expertise (symphony, training for ironman).

We have met some of each other's friends and that has gone surprisingly well. I went to his concert (plays viola) and a Bday party for a friend. He has a good relationship with his dd 13 and his ex who is remarried. I assured his ex that I would treat her dd like I would my own and she was hugging my neck by the end of the party.

He's normally the type of person to sit back and observe from a corner, but went out of his way to talk to everyone at a Memorial Day party with some of my friends. He even went out of his way to talk to a friend that I previously dated (hot fireman). I do expect some teasing from some friends because he was holding my hand or rubbing my shoulders most of the afternoon. Of course he was checking out potentential competition and staking his ground. Still, I thought he did it in a classy way.

FBWidow -

I remember being the GF in this type of scenario a while ago with my BF's 16 year old DD two years ago. I had met his two older children (they were both over the age of 21) and they were genuinely happy to meet me, and happy that their father was having a life of his own after divorce. Well, when I met the 16 year old, I could sense (it's a woman thing) that she was resentful. I figured that it was because she and her father were very, very close after his divorce and he was single (she was 10 when he divorced) - so she truly was "daddy's girl" for almost 6 years. When he started dating me and introduced me to his kids, I believe she felt threatened that that was another "girl" in the picture. Each time we went out as a group (miniature golf, dinner, etc.) I could feel the coldness - but I just plowed through and tried each time to engage her in conversation - about school, her interests, and encouraged her to tell me all about what her and her Dad do on weekends, etc. Also, I didn't force myself on her. If Dad invited me to dinner with him and his DD, I always asked him if he asked HER if she would like me to join them during their time together. Sometimes she said yes, most times she said no. It took about a year, but eventually I think she learned that I was not trying to take her place in her Dad's heart, I was just an addition to the group. It helps that she's now 18 and moving right along with her life - I think she feels better knowing that her "old man" has someone besides her now to hang around with. I think it just takes time in these types of situations.

My sister was 26 when my mother announced she was getting married. Boy, my sister had an adjustment. It means change. For your daughter it's another change on top of the pressure of West Point. West Point is tough and while she must be soooo proud of herself for getting in, she must also feel some trepidation.

BTW, I'm really proud of her too.

Then, there's the whole "Mom as a sexual being" issue.

Anyway, I think you're doing fine. Maybe you could have a Mother-Daughter weekend?

With respect to having your BF ride along to get your daughter, there is also the fact that it would mean your daughter would have to ride home in the back seat. My older kids hate doing that. I once brought along a friend (female) for company when picking up my daughter about that far away. My daughter said it was ok, but I think she would have preferred had I not done so. This is someone she knows and likes, but I think my daughter felt kind of left out.

DD leaves for West Point tomorrow morning. My parents are in town to see her off. DD wanted to eat sushi and do keroke (spell) with her friends so we went and I invited BF and his DD (13) as well. We all had a great time. (My parents are very country meat & potatoes type so it was fun watching them eat sushi for the first time.) I think his DD had fun as well watching the older kids act silly.

I think DD's just been a little scared of all of the changes she's facing (leaving family and friends, army basic training, mom dating and making new friends, etc.) rather than having anything against BF. Although I've tried to take time with her, I'm glad that I also took time to (despite her jelousy) to develop some friendships and meet a great guy.

Does you daughter have a bf, or had a few/how many?, since your D...?


Probably she thinks that too... especially now that some important things are happening in her life, and she needs you to put her life as priority, after D & now...

Belonging: DD has friends that are boys but is not interested in a bf. I sometimes worry that she is becoming a man hater and I know it has a lot to do with how X and SS's treated her in the divorce. I want her to see that there are good guys out there.

I've tried to keep DD a priority but I have changed. One of the biggest mistakes I made in my marriage was giving up myself for my family. I didn't have any friends or interests outside my X or kids. Besides BF, I now have a good group of friends that I meet once a week. I realize that these things have taken some of my attention away from DD, but I believe they have made me a better person. They also give me something to lean on since DD is gone.

FB, have you heard from your daughter? Be sure to tell her I'm rooting for her.

I'm glad you made friends too. REmember when you first came here?

I haven't heard from DD. She can't call home for several weeks. I'm hoping I might get a letter by next week but I'm sure she is too tired to write much. I'm trying to send her a card or letter every few days.

When I first came here?? That seems like another lifetime ago! I guess it was. I feel like I have a new life. I've realized that I can be happy even though I'll never again be the same person as I was before the D. BF is a nice little bonus on top of that.