I am new to this so please forgive me if this post is long.

I'll start at the beginning. Before my husband and I got married I found out where he had been trying to find sexual partners online (both men and women). He said that this was before we got together. Two weeks after we married I found out he was at it again. I said nothing thinking that the problem would go away. Continously throughout our marriage he had told me that he is not happy and that part of the way to make him happy is to "expand" our sex life. He wanted us to have sex with other couples and so forth. After years of being told what I am doing wrong and being referred to as his "slut wife" (sorry if that is not an allowed word to use) I finally gave in to him. I wish I never had. But afterwards I expressed my shame and my wish for us to have a good christian marriage and things seemed to get better. We had a child together (I have two from a previous marriage) and I thought this problem was behind us. Over and over again he kept making his wishes known how he wanted other people to use me and that I am supposed to submit to him according to God. I realize that I made mistakes but I tried to keep moving forward and working on our marriage. I have found numerous websites where he is still looking for sex partners (using my name along with his in the process) both men and women. every year he threatens divorce and has threatened to take our daughter away. He doesnt want me to work because he doesnt want our daughter in daycare but I have no income and so what do I do if he decides to try to take my daughter away? Last November I spent time in a psych ward due to emotional exhaustion. My psychiatrist told me she thought that he needed to be seen, not me.

Last night as I was using the laptop to research my college application (I have one degree and figured if I am going to be home I may as well continue my education online) I discovered where he was once again visiting sites looking for partners. Finally I had enough. I had no sleep and this morning I confronted him. I calmly told him that I had had enough and that there was no way I could trust him after almost 7 years of the lies. I told him that he needed to decide what was more important to him and that if he had a problem then he needed to get help but I would no longer think that it is me and I was done. He got defensive and even cursed and yelled at me asking what my problem was. I stayed calmed and just reaffirmed my position.

My question is where do I go from here? Do I just forgive and pray that he doesn't do this again. Lord knows that I have prayed to God to help him. For the past two years Ihave been praying for God to guide me to be a better Christian, wife, and mother. I just don't know what else to do.

PIMD

I would establish boundaries for being with this man and if he met them then he could continue to be my husband and if he didn't then I would protect myself and more importantly my daughter and file for D from this man. He has some real problems and knows nothing of marriage and love. He is a sex addict in my opinion. The chances of this sex addict taking your daughter from you are zero if you have an attorney. He will instead have restricted visitation, pay child support and for your to get a college degree if you play your cards right.

From Penalty Kill


And so now you know that saying (and doing) nothing does not make the problem go away. And you probably now realize that your H was a poor bet for marriage.


You can't do anything about having stayed with an abuser for so long. But you can do something about it now.


I am pretty sure that good Christians don't want their wives to "expand" their sex lives. Neither do good atheists, for that matter.


I think that "seem" is the operative word here. Your H is using religion as a club to abuse you. You can't change that, but you can ask yourself why you have stayed in the situation for so long. That's worth exploring.


I would be willing to bet that the mistakes that you think you made are not the ones that I think you've made. You weren't moving forward...you were staying still and running in place. You are at the same place now that you were when you got married....only now you have one more child.


Lovely. And how does that make you feel?


If you are smart, he has zero chance of taking your daughter away. If you want to keep your head tucked firmly in the sand and act out of fear, then it is possible.


Do you want to work? Do you want to go to school? Quit focusing on your H: you can't make your H go to the psychiatrist, but you can do for yourself.


To a good divorce lawyer.


As Dr. Phil says, "How's that working for you?". As the saying goes, "G-d helps those who help themselves". YOu show very little inclination to help yourself. Hiding your head in the sand, even if you're praying, doesn't do much good.


I think that you have Christianity mixed up with masochism. Please get some help, if only for your children's sake. Your marriage sounds like he!!, and I am baffled as to why you would want to stay.

Focus on yourself and on taking action to save yourself and your children.

PK

I have thought about all of these things. I think right now I am just in some sort of shock. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

divorce. divorce. divorce.

OT... is this national wife swapping week here on MB?

Stand up for your daughter and show her how NOT TO BE disrespected by men that will come into her life if not for yourself.

I guess part of me is just not wanting to get another divorce and to admit that another marriage failed. Pride can be so destructive.

You didn't get the memo? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

There are things that are a lot MORE destructive than divorcing a cheating, entitled, lying, self destructive, abusive and addictive man. Divorce is by far the best option if this man will not commit to seeking help and counseling for his issues.

I think your giving him way to much power over you...take it back! This is your relationship too...you have the right to get the perversion out of your life...take back you dignity and your self respect...do not let him drag you and your children thru the mud...

I'm not going 2 post 2 this thread.

2 Late 2long!

Another waste of time.

Who

I keep telling you guys that this wife swapping, swinging, open marriage crap is like a cancer creeping into marriages everywhere. Not every participant is a sex addict. Sexual addiction has some very specific patterns and just because it involves sex does not make this SA.

Divorce is not the only option either. We have a pretty structured time proven approach to infidelity with Plan A, Plan B, etc. I am sure many thought that Harley was crazy with some of his methods to save marriages. I can only imagine the so called experts telling him "sometimes its better to divorce". Fast forward many years and these radical methods have kept many couples and families together. Hopefully we can find a radical method to keep couples together when these open marriage lines are crossed.

Lets say a spouse finally talks his partner into swapping just once or twice. One person liked it, the other didn't. The common theme from the partner that liked it (and it could be either one) is "hey we did this together, I don't think I can stop, your not being fair". The problem is the other person is devalued and is made to believe they have lost the right to demand monogamy after non-monogamy.

Its a crack cocaine that is much stronger than an affair because it was done as a couple under POJA. When it's done together it becomes a legitimate part of the marriage for one and a nightmare for the other. There is, and never will be, guilt or remorse on the part of the spouse that wants to continue. It becomes an argument over something that was previously agreed to. It never really becomes infidelity even if done behind the BS back.

So maybe the only tool for a BS is Plan B immediately. Enforce your boundary very, very strongly. Move out until monogamy is not only agreed to, its embraced.

I moved out once because of the lifestyle. I got my wife to agree to monogamy, but only reluctantly and without conviction. Again since there was no affair there was no remorse. I never got sucked back into the lifestyle after that even though she tried very hard. I ignored the sexy offers and acted disinterested every time it was brought up. I was clear that it wasn't my thing.

So she ignored me and did it on her own. I Plan Aed for a short time (a couple of months) and then went to Plan B. If I were to do it all over again I would Plan B until I got a sincere conviction to put the lifestyle behind us. I would stay in Plan B if it was ever brought up again as an option. It should be the most sacred boundary.

So tell your husband to join you in a monogamous marriage or you are leaving. And do it.Immediately. Do a classic Plan B.But please don't jump on the divorce bandwagon as quickly as others on here think you should.

It's not the 1950's guys... maybe it's time we pulled our heads out of the sand? This is sadly becoming more and more of an issue. It makes me want to barf, but it's there.

I have a lot of thinking to do. There are so many things to consider. Thanks for all of the advice.

These types of situations can't be solved on a marriage forum only with professional help if at all.

And, no, it's not the 1950's but that attitude is what go us to the 2007's and all of the cultural and societal decline we have seen in the last 50 years. Next think someone will be saying is "well, it's not the 2007's folks come on". They didn't even allow same sex marriage, swinging wasn't readily accepted, incest was taboo back then, heck you couldn't even go to work naked, can you believe it..."

Society changes, morals, absolutes, right and wrong do not, people just make excuses for people instead of taking it head on.

chacanges, familycomesfirst....Yes....this happens. And it has become much more prevalent and more fashionable to accept it.

But sometimes, preserving what's right and good....is about standing strong when it's necessary. I have a name for open marriage and swinging. I call it infidelity, because I believe that marriage without sexual exclusivity is not really marriage. It's a marriage model <so flawed> that I cannot, and will not, support it. It's so fragile that even support for real marriage can shatter it because fantasy is not reality. Marriage has boundaries...that's one of the things that makes it unique from other relationships.

"Open marriage" is an oxymoron (like working-vacation)....the two words don't go together and in this case, if you put them together Neither of them is real.

I believe in calling a shovel a shovel.

chachanges: "The lifestyle" doesn't tell me anything, except that I know what you mean when you use it - swinging. But calling it by some outwardly vague, soft term is chickensh!t. It's reminiscent of "free love" or "if it feels good, do it" - which were nothing more than lame excuses 2 justify selfishly using other people, mostly women.

It's also similar 2 "polyamory" - nothing more than a bait-and-switch term for polygamy, because "it's about love" after all.

Just say no. I do.

-ol' 2long

I don't know ANY couples who are in an open marriage, at least by choice of BOTH.

I remember a couple of couples on here who were in big marital and spiritual trouble because the man wanted to watch his wife get it on with another woman.

These women, it seems to me were very much screwed up after taking part in such a corrupt and demeaning act(s).

You really think this is common nowadays? My God, I really, truly hope not. These people are parents...raising children. Eye yay yay.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />