Someone wrote: "A BS has to earn their way out of the marriage. I don't think so BR! The WS gave them a free pass."

Actually no one has to "earn" their way out of anything ... all you have to do is FILE for a DIVORCE, and pfffftttt t t t t .... you're OUTTA there!

Unless, of course, someone is using an affair as an excuse to slide their way out of a marriage, in which case, of course, an affair is a messy, painful way out.

Per Dr Harley (this one is for the men)

Profile of an Affectionate Husband

[color:"blue"] An affectionate husband hugs and kisses his wife every morning while still in bed, usually for more than five minutes, and tell her that he loves her.

During their breakfast, he tells her again that he loves her.

He hugs and kisses her before he leaves for work.

He calls her during the morning and again in the afternoon to ask how she is doing and to tell her he loves her.

Sometimes he invites her to go out for lunch, and sometimes they both meet at home for lunch so he can hug and kiss her and tell her that he loves her.

After work, he calls before he leaves for home, so that she knows when to expect him. When he arrives home, he gives her a hug and a kiss and spends a few minutes talking to her about her day.

He helps her with dinner and helps her clean up afterwards.

He spends the evening with her, occasionally dancing to romantic music or giving her a back rub.

When they go to bed, he usually hugs and kisses her while telling her that he loves her. [/color]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dr Harley goes on to say:

[color:"blue"] Does that description sound unreal?

Well, I didn't come up with it by myself. It comes from scores of women who told me what they most want from their husbands.

And it also describes what goes on during a typical romantic relationship - it's what men tend to do when they are in love. [/color]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

AHH...my H is like this...

He's asleep now..I think I'll go kiss him on the cheek...

Dr Harley says this about physical abuse:

[color:"blue"] Every incident of physical abuse should be reported to the police.
Even a slap across the face should be reported.
When physical abuse is kept secret, it grows just like mold in the closet and becomes increasingly dangerous.
But when it's made public to law enforcement, the perpetrator is forced to recognize the seriousness of the problem and is forced to do something about it.
Some of the most successful outcomes I've witnessed have been with a spouse who has already spend time in jail and is at risk to spend more time behind bars unless the angry outbursts are eliminated completely. [/color]

the purpose of an angry outburst is

blame your spouse for failing to do what you demand
and then
to punish him or her for it

when demands don't produce results
and disrespect doesn't work either
angry outburst can be the next step

[color:"red"]1. demands
2. disrespect
3. angry outburst [/color]

together, these 3 lovebusters frame the typical arguement

Dr Harley says all are abusive behaviors in a marriage

he says they are "controlling and tragic"

this make us the greatest source of our spouse's unhappiness <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

He says that our instincts try to convince us that we have the right to be angry, and we become convinced our spouse needs to be "taught a lesson" .... since they "have not listened to reason" (AKA our opinion) .... our spouse deserves to be punished

if we cannot solve our problem, we destroy the "troublemaker" (our spouse)

when we're angry, we don't care about our spouse's feelings

no empathy

Dr Harley says:

[color:"blue"] Punishment does not solve marital problems - it makes them worse [/color]

Pep:

Thank you for your contribution to a SWEET MEMORY...

After reading the PROFILE OF AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND, I more than kissed my H on the cheek in APPRECIATION of him, I snuggled up against him..you know like a spoon..he felt so warm and good and cushiony...he PURRED in response in his sleep..and I fell asleep with my clothes on..not to wake up until this morning...

He was so HAPPY and CHEERY this morning...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Both [color:"red"]caring love and romantic love are important in marriage[/color]

caring love = a willingness and effort to try to make someone happy and trying to avoid making that person unhappy (empathy required)

romantic love = passion for another

caring love is a decision

romantic love is a feeling

dishonesty is wrong for the same reason other lovebusters are wrong --- it causes unhappiness in marriage

Dr Harley says that dishonesty is a strange LB, because sometimes honesty seems even more damaging

he asks

"What if the truth is more painful than a lie?"

Dr Harley says:

[color:"blue"] But dishonesty, as well-intended as it may be, creats an emotional barrier between husband and wife. It's something hidden - a secret that can't be mentioned. Yet it's right under the surface of every conversation. [/color]

dishonesty can be addicting

when a lie is eventually exposed

it is devastating
what can you believe?

trust, which is so essential in marriage

is
destroyed

dishonesty strangles compatibility

honesty in the marriage makes us more likely to consider our spouse's feelings ~before~ we act ~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

"In an honest relationship, thoughtless acts are usually corrected. Bad habits are identified and nipped in the bud. And couples eliminate incompatible attitudes and behavior before they grow out of control."

TRANSLATION: radical honesty prevents common marriage problems

I'll bet ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

THIS one is going to be difficult for me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

ANNOYING HABITS

one where I need to pay particular attention

"When our behavior annoys our spouse, we tend to ignore the problem. After all, it doesn't annoy us, so why should it annoy anyone else?"

I confess, this just came up ... about a month ago ....

I ~*sluuuuurp*~ my morning coffee

it's [color:"red"]hot [/color] so I sluuuuuurp with a lot of noise and fanfare ... as an effort to drink the coffee while it's still pretty hot

I was completely unaware of this noise

my H said to me
"Do you know how loud you slurp? It annoys me."

I was thinking "Yeah, so what? I'm not doing anything to you." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

(next confession coming up)

H: "You're chewing THAT GUM".

H: (on the phone): "Are you CHEWING GUM?"

I love MY GUM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well, so what? He has those stinky farts that make you have to clear the room. SO THERE..

I made him go get the AIR FRESHENER SPRAY.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

annoying habits continued:

Dr Harley says:

[color:"blue"] "With our current cultural emphasis on tolerance, this next love buster ANNOYING HABITS, takes a bit of explaination. Our instincts are already encouraging us to do whatever we please, and now they have support for it in our schools! We are encouraged to accept others for who they are and what they do, even when what they do is incredibly annoying." [/color]

Hey --- Dr harley ! I'm all for changing annoying habits when it comes to my HUSBAND's habits !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"]" We assume that our spouse should be able to shrug it off and accept us as we are. "[/color]

~*sluuuuurp*~

[color:"blue"]"It's like the steady drip-drip of water torture. "[/color]

hmmmmmmmmmm, that's interesting, I wonder if i can get my husband to change thiose annoying habits of his that drive me crazy

*~sluuuuuuuuuuuuurp*~

SMACKING..in the office here..as in gum

He's not around! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Pep:

What do you do with this?

The man even gave me some gum yesterday and then told me not to chew it around him.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

annoying habits continued (coz I need work here)

[color:"blue"]"When WE are the ones being annoyed, we see the problem from a very different perspective. We usually feel that something should be done to correct the problem -- immediately!

This is particularly so when we've explained that the behavior bothers us and yet it continues to go on. it's not just the behavior itself but the thought behind it - the idea that our spouse doesn't care enough about us to stop it."[/color]

*gulp*

Dr Harley says lack of empathy is at the root of the problem

Excerpt from the song "He had it coming" from the musical Chicago concerning why the women were in jail for murder (if you haven't seen it).


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> *playful nudge*

Mys

chew in your car by yourself

Mys

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, the title of the actual song is "The Cell Block Tango (He had it coming)"

Mys