In advance, I apologize for such a lengthy post. But then again, can these situations ever be easy & quick to summarize? I need to talk to someone....someone who understands. I cannot go to my usual sources. I'm too embarrassed to share this with family & friends. Hopefully new friends here will be the answer to my desperate prayer.
As I type, every single part of my body & soul is writing in agony. I always told my grandma that when she died, I'd have to kill myself because I couldn't live without her. She was everything to me. Losing her in 2005 was a nightmare...the only reason I survived it was my husband. After a lifetime of family & boyfriends that ditched me & didn't want me, there was someone other than my grandma who would love me unconditionally forever. He saved me.

The background....we met in Oct. of 1995 & he moved in that night. We were married on New Year's eve of that same year. Crazy, yes, but we knew we were special. We never ran out of things to say. We never got sick of each other. We did everything together. He & I against the world. Everyone admired us....even though it seemed crazy. We watched countless friends & family through divorce along our path, but we only got stronger. We had two beautiful, perfect children. Sounds like all we lacked was the white picket fence, right? Wrong...we had our fair share of issues (some bigger than others), but it never mattered. Ultimately, we conquered where others would have collapsed. We were that strong.

Last year, to start life anew, we moved to a new state & finally bought our first house. For me, ever the pessimist, loved ones were thrilled to hear that I was so happy & content. I told them, life is perfect & I even see forever being the same. This is IT! In December, my husband introduced me to a new co-worker. In that 2 second exchange, I couldn't stand her. No reason, really...instinct. He worked with other women, younger & a lot prettier. He thought I was nuts & frankly, so did I. She was good to my kids, concerned when my mother-in-law was found to have Cancer & even lent us some $ when we needed it. She said we were great friends & even asked me if I would take her children if anything happened to her. What was wrong with me?

In January, she started calling my husband all the time with one self-created crisis after another. Being the super sweetheart that he is, he had to help...when her car broke down, when her washing machine broke, when she was injured, etc. That's who he is & I guarantee he'd do the same for you, reading this right now. I've always loved that about him.

In February, I was getting a little sick of him always taking off. His cell phone was always ringing & she always needed something. Even my young children would ask if he was with her whenever he wasn't here. That says enough, right? She called on a Friday night saying that a man she had been seeing was coming over to her house & she was afraid. Naturally, my husband had to run over to deal with the situation. I flipped out & he couldn't understand that. He ended up staying there overnight due to the eruption going on at home. But no...they didn't sleep together...not yet. When he came home the next day, he said he understood my feelings & he was just going to deal with her professionally. I was scared to death of him going to work. Instinct kicked in again & told me it would be very bad. Well, the next day they worked together....it happened.

Four months later, he's been saying all along that they very rarely even cross paths. She's quit the job & they have no reason to be in contact. Done. He doesn't understand why I see her as a threat anyway. She's a sweet woman & I am being paranoid. I decide...he's right. I'm a horrible, crazy person. I try to just shut up & put it out of my head. All along, dealing with the worst stomach pains of my life. I'm back on Prozac just to quell the jitters I've had since the February episode.

Friday night, she called again. She was drunk at a bar & wanted him to come get her because she didn't want to be with her date anymore. Well, he felt he needed to help. He did say, "if this will cost our marriage, I won't do it". Since I trusted him & wanted to show it, I said "fine, do what you feel you need to, but I don't like it". He said he'd be home within an hour. 2.5 hours later he comes home, we argue some & once again, he leaves to spend the night at her house. Saturday morning he came home & he told me the whole, awful, disgusting truth. They had sex, at work, four times, with the last being in May.

Anyone but her...anyone but her. 4 times over 4 months makes more of a relationship than an oopsie fling anyway, doesn't it? My husband is someone else's boyfriend?? No..not him...not us. We're stronger than that.

I hate myself for the way I'm feeling...I see these imaginary videos in my head, like the world's worst porno starring my husband. I feel her on him & on me too. Everything hurts. I don't want to get out of bed, but I do. I don't want to breathe, but I do. I just want to curl up & cry & cry. Not this. Not us. I want to hurt her & I've never felt that before. I'm not mean, aggressive or confrontational. If it weren't for my kids needing me, I swear I think I could have killed her. I could make the scariest horror film ever now, based solely on the things I would love to do to this woman. Now, I know that it was ultimately my husband's responsibility to defend me & our marriage & he did not. Believe me, I'm angry at him too. I love him, but I don't want to right now. I love him, but I don't respect him right now. I love him, but I don't trust him right now. I hate him for what he did to us. I hate her for provoking it like I always warned she would. I hate myself for not finding out. In some ways, I hate myself for still being here. I have lectured others on the need to leave after this situation happens & this has always caused me to immediately leave a relationship...but this is different....it's almost 12 years & a life of a family...it's us! We're the envied couple! But he was THE ONE who would never do this to me also. Now, that can never be said again. It's there...it's done...it's part of our life story now & I can't tear the page from the book.

He's trying. I know he feels horrible. I know this has been eating him up. I see it...I know it. He wants to help me & fix us. I want us back to. I want to erase the pictures in my mind & bring back the ones that used to be there...the ones of our future together. I can't see past right now yet. Can I really stay? How do we fix us? He promises he'll never ever see or talk to her again & I want so badly to believe it, but he said that before this even happened too. He said he doesn't even want her & never did...I can understand that...as I said, she is equivalent to a truck stop hooker in appearance & personality. How do I not go crazy? I can't sleep or eat without nightmares & stomach problems. I can't smile. I can't even think clearly. It hurts so bad. How could he do this & how do we get past it?

God, help me...I must be an idiot to even try, but I need to. I can't let her win. She is insignificant. She cannot take us down. She cannot take what took almost 12 years to build. She cannot destroy us. He is my husband, my future, my partner. I can't throw that aside, but I don't know how to feel right again; how to respect him & trust him. I thought losing my grandmother was the worst possible thing I would ever endure & I hate to say it, but it was nothing compared to this pain. SHE didn't CHOOSE to hurt me. HE DID! Please help me to find me again. Help us to find us.
Thanks for "listening".

I understand where you are coming from. I was doubly betrayed. I was with my husband for 14 years when someone who pretended to be my friend had an affair with him. It lasted four months (2-3 times per week) and I was totally devastated when this all came out. 2 families who always spent time together destroyed by their actions. I wasn't going to let the insignificant OW win either. We have a family.

My husband has been very remorseful from day one and believe it or not our marriage is better than it ever has been. I know how hard it is to get over the visions of what happened, trust me I went through it too. You will come to realize as time goes on they start to drift away little by little as long as both are totally committed to working things out through communication and the right actions are taken. Trust me, I will never forget, but I do forgive.

MB has helped me out soooooo much. Make sure you take the time to read everything. It's very important.

My day of discovery was Jan 07. From the day of discovery the OW called once and my husband made it clear that he did not ever want to see or talk to her again. She called from a pay phone and my husband stood by his word and gave me the info immediately. Of course I still check cell phone records every month, but he's been totally clean.

Focus on each other, communicate, communicate, communicate. And by all means plan some romantic get-a-ways.

Thank you so much for your reply. It meant a great deal to me. Maybe I need to hear from someone else that it can be good again...that this doesn't have to bury me, or us. He says it, but right now his words don't mean what they used to. If someone had told me before how much this hurts, I probably wouldn't have believed it. I was a very weak teen & adult for quite some time. In recent years, I've lost a lot of weight, become more focused & ambitious. I improved myself inside & out. I feel like I just took 300 steps back in that process, but I have to believe that the new me is stronger than this. I just want my life back. With a response like yours, I see it can be possible. Thank you, so much.

I know exactly what you mean. All the things that go through my head on a daily basis.

Most of his stuff was done on the computer and were EA. Although there were two, that were local that he swears never got past phone calls and emails. My first d day was Thanksgiving 06. Second D-day was 6/4/07. Tomorrow is his first therapy session.

This is a great site. The people are here have been there, done that, and can give you great support when you friends and family can't. Read everything on here. And do the questionaires. Good luck, stay strong, don't ever give up. If you feel this is worth the fight, then fight with all you have. Your life together can be saved.

Yes it is very possible to get it back and even make it stronger. It's been 5 month's for me. Don't get me wrong, I still get sad from time to time and he sees it and he gets very sad for all the hurt and pain he caused. He realizes what a huge mistake he made and is so very remorseful. He also sees what kind of a person the OW was. She used me. She would tell him all kinds of lies about me to make herself look good to him. Fortunately our love was way too strong for her to ever compete.

Hang in there, it's worth the wait.

Have you and your husband read Surviving An Affair?

Buy it (see bookstore link at the very top of the page)

read it together

HERE

Based on the initial blow-up in February, I already decided to see a therapist myself. Now that I know the problem isn't my mental issues, but his actions, he is now coming with me to the sessions as of June 22. For days, he has been asking me if we can be okay - if I can promise I'm not leaving. Just yesterday, I was able to tell him that I can make that promise....IF this is over & IF he is willing to work to help put me & us back together. Yesterday passed without the OW contacting him. He has turned off his cell phone & gotten a new one. She never showed up at his work or called there. I'm not over my worry of that though...she usually waits a week or so after an episode to contact him. He has promised me that he will inform me of any contact attempts made by her or her family.

One thing that is still eating away at me...I'm hurt, my husband is hurt & she's just fine. I'm a proud person & I don't want to give her the pleasure of letting her know how much control she was able to exert over my emotions, but I want her to hurt too. I can put some of my hurt on my husband because he has guilt & when I need to say something that will cut him, he takes it. It's like Tim McVeigh...you just blow something up & then walk away from it with a smile on your face? No...I have this horrid need for giving what I got & I have no real way to do that that wouldn't land me in jail.

Yesterday was a little better than the day before. I've discovered that when I sit, undistracted & think, it gets bad. I keep seeing his face as he first came clean when I told him I needed to know the truth. He said "Do I really have to say the words?" & at that moment, my heart burst. I keep feeling it all over again. How do I make the movies stop playing? Sometimes I swear that my head will explode from all of the replays. I do believe now that we CAN be okay if we both work to make that happen, but I wonder if that can happen before I completely lose my mind.

Your husband needs to write her a no contact letter. Ask him to do this. Here is what the Harley's suggest --

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

"(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)"

After he writes the email or letter, you need to approve and send it. It shouldn't say anything about he is sorry about hurting her, he will miss her, blah, blah, blah.

Next, he needs to change his email and phone numbers so that she cannot contact him.

It sounds like she met some need of his to be a white knight, or admired. See if you can amp up your efforts to meet those needs.

Thank you very much for sharing that. Sounds like a realistic plan of action. I'm definitely needing signs of total closure before I can work on healing.

I look at a no contact letter as the litmus test of whether or not a spouse is willing to do all that is necessary for recovery. Often the WS will say it is "pointless" to send, or doesn't want to hurt the OW (what about all the hurt the BS has endured????).

See if he will agree. There needs to be no contact for any reason FOREVER. I don't care if her date is beating her, her car catches fire - she can call the police or fire department. She needs to be completely gone from your lives.

Exactly...I told him right from the start that I cannot sit around wondering if she's "on the prowl" to take another chunk of my life. A big part of me knows that my husband wouldn't allow it again, but then again logic tells me not to be gullible enough to ignore the possibilities again. I hate that I feel the need to question him or worry about these things. Yesterday was a pretty decent day over all. Here it is, day 4 of my nightmare & today may be the worst I've felt yet. Emotionally, I'm trashed & it's showing in the physical aspect. I look just like I feel & I just feel like I could explode or faint at any moment. Honestly, today I just want to be anyone but me. I guess I should get used to it coming & going. And perhaps Kenny Rogers shouldn't be on my current playlist! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

((((SMG))))

I’m sorry that you find yourself here under these circumstances.

There are thousands of people here than can validate your pain. I’m on of them.

You are not crazy!

You are not hopeless!

You are going to be ok!

I understand that your world has been turned upside down. Please acknowledge that your H does not realize EXACTLY what he has done to you yet.

Please look toward a bright future and understand that all of this CRAP takes a long time to sift through. Be as patient as you can. Time is almost always the friend of the betrayed spouse (BS).

Of the utmost importance is the responsibility to yourself to take care of yourself.

Your brain has been through the equivalent of a high speed car crash without a seatbelt, then set on fire. (Kind of interesting to visualize <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

You can’t be as affective as possible in dealing with all of this if you aren’t the best you can be mentally and physically. Eat, sleep, and keep up the IC. Your doctor appointments are great for your health too and the management of your antidepressants and/or anti anxiety meds can be very beneficial.

Learn the MB program! You will not regret the understanding that you will have of marriages and relationships. Dr. Harley has done a great job of bringing us a program that is a working understanding and a PLAN that will be your tether when things seem very dark.

When I first started to understand MB and relationships I felt like an INFANT in an adult’s world as to the understanding of cause and effect in marital behavior.

MB will help you feel like you aren’t groping around in the dark anymore while the house is on fire.

As for the feelings of craziness and insanity; don’t worry you are going to find that you are much more perceptive than you ever gave yourself credit for. A lot of the nuances of dialogue and behaviors that you had been seeing in your H before DD (discovery day) of his A, are going to start coming back to you as the power of your mind is unleashed on trying to understand all of this.

That is normal too.

My best advice right now is that you should make a clear cut decision on weather or not you want to FIGHT for your M or not.

Do nothing rash.

Where your H was weak you must now be strong.

If you work the MB plan you have a great chance at rescuing your M and enjoying the fruits of a wonderful M in the future.

Best regards,

Hello SMG. Apparently you and I are in the same boat right now. I don't know if you read my post but I found out almost 3 weeks ago about my hubby's affair. It was with a "friend" of ours. Just wanted you to know if you want to cry on each other's shoulders or just try to figure this out, email me, jblomker@gmail.com

jackie

Thank you both for your replies. Plank, you gave me much to think about & I think your words did more than you'd expect. Sometimes, we just need someone to point out that we control our lives. While I am not in this situation due to anything I have done or not done...knowledge of the situation should only empower me now.

If this whole thing were a rollercoaster, yesterday I was fighting & chugging to come to the top. Today, the weight has eased. Last night, I think I needed to fall apart. I needed to really get it all out. I guess I hadn't fully done that yet. When my husband got home & saw the shape I was in, he insisted that we talk. I was just wrecked. We talked for hours & I really said a lot that I needed to say to him....about my fears, my needs, my hurt, my feelings, etc. I berated him for doing this to us. He begged me to let him help me & he apologized & explained so much. Today is a much better day. Not a tear yet...even the temperature is having mercy on my today...clear blue skies with a breeze.

Thank you for helping me so much here. I hope that I am able to give back to someone here at some point too.

Jackie, I'll be sending you an email at some point today. Thank you....would love to chat.

SMG ~

I could have written your first post myself...married 12 years; our M was the envy of all of our friends; NOTHING could ever tear us apart; my H would never, ever EVER have an A; he would never do that to me.

I am so sorry you are here as well. This is a very hard thing to go through. I was on Dr. Harley's radio show and he told me that it IS the worst thing I will ever go through, that I have PTSD, and that everything I am feeling is normal.

I (and all of us here, really) understand the not eating, not sleeping, barely being able to function. We've all been there.

You have been given some good advice ~ have your H write the NC letter and YOU mail it. Get SAA and read it, and have him read the part on HOW VITALLY IMPORTANT NC FOR LIFE IS.

Please be hyper-aware of renewed contact. It is very common; your H is addicted to OW, and he will go through withdrawal. Often the withdrawal is too hard and contact is renewed. Be hyper-vigilant on continuing to snoop.

I know because this happened to me ~ dday was 13 months ago, and for 10 months my H swore that there was no contact, that we were in recovery.

He was lying and the A was continuing on the whole time.

I am telling you this because you need to be aware. I let him lead our "recovery" during that time and that was a HUGE MISTAKE. It should have been a warning that he was still in contact.

Like I said, he is going to go through withdrawal and he is going to be VERY FOGGY. Plan A him the best you can.

Also, go over to the Recovery board and take a look around there. That will help you get a better picture of what recovery looks like.

(((SMG)))

Again, I am so sorry you are here, but I am glad you are here. You will get a lot of support and see that you are not alone.

P.S. For some hope: we are doing much, much better now. I believe we are finally in *real* reacovery. My H is treating me better than he ever has, and our relationship is getting better all the time. It is hard, and a lot of work, and we have a very long ways to go, but we are doing it. You can too.

Yes, and you must take control of your love-busters. Implement Plan A now by showing him kindness. Do not berate him. Yes, he may deserve it, but that will push him away.

Everything you are feeling is to be expected and is quite normal. I know, I couldn't eat, sleep and such and lost 35 lbs. over my WH affair. And the mind will replay images and doubts and fears as you are now in the process of getting over the initial shock and dealing with the situation.

The NC letter is a must!!! This woman is poison to you and your spouse. I find that you kept making excuses for him; that he did things because he has such a giving, caring heart and such to be just an excuse. You see, my WH used that excuse also; he wanted to help a friend and it just happened. No way --- a friend would send your husband back into your arms; not try to take him away and a friend would want your husband to be happy in his marriage, not cause conflict.

Look at it like this - you are experiencing a death of the marriage you had and death takes a long time to heal from and get over. You now have the opportunity to build a new relationship and a new marriage with your spouse. You, be the wife he always knew he had and he, be the husband you know, in your heart, he is. He made a huge mistake and it cannot be taken back; it happened, it is over and nothing can be done to change it.

It has been 11 months since my WH had his affair and I am beginning to truly start to trust him again; not completely, as that takes time. But you do have hope and you can make the marriage work. He sounds committed to you and you to he. Please listen to the other posters here and follow their course of actions to take; they all know; they have been there. The pain will go away and love will replace the pain. Good luck to you.