I have been in a very dark Plan B for about a month. My WW finally agreed to send a NC letter email and recommit to the marriage. She copied me on the NC letter and took the added step of changing her cell phone number and eliminating text messaging.

I didn't realize until a couple of days later that she had created a fake email address for the OM that was one letter off the real email address. She also used another secret email account that I know about to send basically the same email to OM.

So NC has started but I am hugely disappointed that she went to the trouble to create a fake email address, probably for the purposes of making sure I didn't contact OM.

When will the lies end? Am I just dealing with someone that is diabolical chronic liar? What now? Do I confront her or just sit back and watch for a few weeks to see if contact is re-established from this secret account?

CC,

Was that the whole of your way back to the marriage requirements? A NC EMAIL (not letter you approve and both mail by hand), changing her cell number and not allow texting?

I ask because MC/IC is a usual step in the recommitment boundary...provides a third party right there for confrontation of just this stuff. Doing the homework for it, etc.

What about her changing her email addresses, in totality?

Plan B letter lays the way...cannot protect you entirely...says boldly, "I know you choose your life. I hope you'll choose our marriage...if you do, these are the steps leading to recovery I need BEFORE" you break out of your dark Plan B.

I understand the disappointment, hopes and fears you have right now. Hard to accept, helps to remember...it took YEARS of a wayward mindset to get here...why wouldn't it take years to heal?

I vote to continue to verify, whether you've caught all her lies or not. That's your province...to patrol your marital boundaries and to verify no contact (NC). Your truth isn't in HER hands...to put it there is nutsy. My WH broke NC a few times before real recommitment...takes time. I verified to know the truth...my job. He began telling me of contact later...and has remained true to that, even through third-party info, for two and half a years. He didn't forget that promise.

People do change.

Rather than two choices...sit back and watch or confront...how about state The Truth. "I know you lied to me. I do not choose to believe you are being transparent right now. Did you want Chinese or Italian tonight?"

Owning what the truth, separate from your truth...well, that's your half, isn't it? No explaining what, how or why. "How did I lie? When?" "I know you know. I respect you chose to lie and I'm sharing with you that I don't believe you right now."

Amazing how learning we can have a marriage without trust or believing in the other for awhile...that it exists and we can live without it, when thought it wasn't possible.

If you want to live from truth and respect...act from love...then your choices are clearer...you share truth. Just like with exposure...so you don't sit back and watch...and you don't confront (can't make her unlie and you already KNOW she lied, so admission makes no sense)...so own what you know...share your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, perceptions and perspective...no LB's...calmly...and stay O&H with yourself and others.

Best road to recovery I know. You've lived through so much already, CC...choose your perspective, your life premise...your code...and stick to it. Focus on your own personal recovery, ephiphanies, growth...no sitting back and focusing on her stuff. What are your predetermined progressive boundary enforcements in the event of contact (which crosses your boundary of contact continuing the affair)? You verify for your marriage and yourself. Your job, 'k?

LA

LA

I know you and I have had some differences on totally different issues here recently but I sincerely appreciate the wisdom in your response. Through IC what I have found one of the most difficult concepts to live is owning what you have control over. I don't have any control over her lying, but I can speak my truth and hold onto that.

I am thinking that I might hold off on mentioning anything about the fake email address for at least a week. I really just want to let this whole NC thing weather for a little while and absorb it all. If NC is maintained for week, then I will probably let her know my truth. But I need sometime to settle in.

I understand, CC. You're welcome to whatever I have to share...thank you for receiving it.

One of the difficulties, I found also, in stating the truth as it is, was that it felt like conflict. A feeling...a fear. Learning these last two years that it isn't...well, has made all the difference.

O&H is how I honor my marriage, as well as letting go the outcome. Until I really got what living from respect was, I would dwell where I had no control, no power. Was my well-worn path I kept walking. Felt deceptively comfortable from familiarity, and yet crazy-making from staying looped.

I would focus on the fact that she sent basically the same NC letter to his real email address and entertain the possibility of the fake send as more of a "you can't tell me what to do" or "you can't control me" action.

I dunno. I know that the road to recovery isn't straight and obvious. Full of a lot of surprises, discovery, heartache and joy. A real mix.

One day at a time is how we recover, personally and maritally.

LA