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Does God forgive? Absolutely and completely. But not if you are standing there saying "...but his was worse...mine wasn't the same because of what he did...this was a real relationship..." God can't forgive you because you aren't really asking Him to if you are justifying/rationalizing or in any way not owning it.
Here's the best promise in all this: the promise that " All things work together for good..." after all, if He could turn the death of His son into something good for the whole world, He can certainly make something good come from this.
I hope this hasn't seemed like a 2x4. It wasn't meant that way. This is good stuff SMB. To take it even further, it's kind of like Adam and Eve when they were busted in the garden. They were both wrong. But instead of owning up to his own stuff, Adam instead blamed it on Eve. "I know what I did was bad God, but she made me do it." What a difference it would have made (in the whole earth!) had he truly repented and owned up. I KNOW He's merciful today. He WANTS to forgive and heal, but He can't go against His own word. You can't begin to forgive and heal until you get your own stuff straight. Every new revelation about your FWH and OW is going to set you back further until you do. God's just waiting for you to get it. ((((SMB)))) Prayers are being said for you and yours.
Last edited by princessmeggy; 11/05/07 10:43 PM.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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SMB,
The idea that one perpetration of hurt is
"less bad"
than the next is ridiculous.
Do you REALLY believe that it hurts your husband LESS than it hurt you?
REALLY?
Why would you believe that?
Because he hurt you first?
That kind of thinking belongs in kindergarten.
Your affair is no less wrong because you were
SECOND IN LINE.
Being first doesn't make his affair worse.
It makes his affair
FIRST.
It makes yours
SECOND.
Don't mistake the difference.
The only difference.
Schoolbus
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Still working on the troll thing. For the time being, BadAdvisor is just that. I don't link her/him to anyone quite yet in terms of writing style, etc.
However, there are similarities. The one thing that is different is that BA is not as
smart
as the others, in terms of the "Marriage Builders" ways.
Sorry to put it so bluntly, but it does separate this troll from the others in many ways.
SB
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Or she/he/it's deliberately "playing dumb"?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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The one thing that is different is that BA is not as smart
as the others, in terms of the "Marriage Builders" ways. Why are you guys analyzing me? Can't you focus on the issue at hand instead of me? You're measuring how smart somone is or his/her intelligence level by the "MB" way? Did MB every say that MB's way is the ONLY way?
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Did MB every say that MB's way is the ONLY way? Did you perchance notice the sign on the door?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BestAdvisor1,
This is a MarriageBUILDERS forum!!!
Please familiarize yourself with the MarriageBuilders concepts & principles!
JustUss
Edited by Justuss (11/05/07 09:11 AM)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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SB - Not sure who MM is. But.... Have you tried comparing BA to CinnimonSugar (sp) AKA the spice troll?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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BA,
We have had quite a number of trolls like you who come here over and over, under different IDs. They, like you, do nothing but offer destructive comments and "advice".
The very fact that you chose "BestAdvisor1" as your ID says that you came to MB specifically to offer what you apparently "think" is the "best" advice.
Well, your thinking is totally messed up. As far as knowing how a marriage can recover from infidelity, you know diddly-squat, especially when compared to Dr. Harley and this website.
You are attacking some very vulnerable people. Stop it NOW!
Judging from your posts, you are a cruel and malicious person, so go back down whatever hole from whence you came and leave these hurting people be.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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BigK, CinnamonSugar was a man-hater. BA seems to be mostly trying to shoot everybody down. I'm wondering if she isn't an OW trying to figure out which poster is her MMW.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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You don't have to be sorry, sexymamabear. You husband LEFT; he was GONE. There is a world of difference between what happened between your H and that OW and what happened between you and OM, NO DOUBT about that. You know that, your husband knows that. In no way am I saying that your affair with this OM was something you should be proud of. The truth is, it was low, but nowhere near the low compare to your H's affair.
Now, it seems clear that your H is devoted to you 100%. Cut all contact with the OM, change church, and this marriage may work out.
With regards to your H's family, be nice and pleasant to them becasue they are your H's family, but don't keep them close. It is clear that I was prejudiced at the very beginning due to my name choice. Can you honestly and truthfully say what I wrote above is horrible?
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BigK, CinnamonSugar was a man-hater. BA seems to be mostly trying to shoot everybody down. I'm wondering if she isn't an OW trying to figure out which poster is her MMW. Yes! This is my thought as well! ~ Marsh
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It is clear that I was prejudiced at the very beginning due to my name choice. Can you honestly and truthfully say what I wrote above is horrible? You are not a bright girl are you? Did you read the previous posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You don't have to be sorry, sexymamabear. You husband LEFT; he was GONE. There is a world of difference between what happened between your H and that OW and what happened between you and OM, NO DOUBT about that. You know that, your husband knows that. In no way am I saying that your affair with this OM was something you should be proud of. The truth is, it was low, but nowhere near the low compare to your H's affair.
Now, it seems clear that your H is devoted to you 100%. Cut all contact with the OM, change church, and this marriage may work out.
With regards to your H's family, be nice and pleasant to them becasue they are your H's family, but don't keep them close. It is clear that I was prejudiced at the very beginning due to my name choice. Can you honestly and truthfully say what I wrote above is horrible? I see you did some creative editing there and changed around a couple of sentences and took out the sentence where you tell her to not to "listen to these idiots." ["idiots" being the forum folks who are trying to help her] good grief... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Can you not troll somewhere it doesn't harm people?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I see you did some creative editing there and changed around a couple of sentences and took out the sentence where you tell her to not to "listen to these idiots." ["idiots" being the forum folks who are trying to help her] good grief... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Here is where you're WRONG again! See how you make assumptions. The editing wasn't done by me but by the mods who apparently think that my use of the word "idiots" to describe some of you was not appropriate and I strongly disagree. GET BACK to sexymamabear's problem now instead of satisfying your hunger and need to attack me.
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justuss...I am asking...How long do you intend to let this go on?
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BA, SMB is a Christian. Nowhere in the Bible does God tell us that if your spouse cheated first and left you, then your sin of adultery is a lesser sin than your spouse's.
We UNDERSTAND that SMB was vulnerable, but she also knew that it was wrong to get close enough to another man to allow this to happen. She needs to acknowledge that what she did was just as wrong as what her H did...no ifs, ands, or buts.
The OM does not deserve to be on the pedestal on which she has placed him. He is NOT a better man than her H.
She needs to face the fact of the matter, and that is that she now also needs to take the same steps to rebuild the marriage as her H does. No contact letter, accountability for her time, change churches...whatever is needed.
She has committed to rebuilding her marriage, so why are you encouraging her fantasy of being with OM? Are YOU her H's XOW? If you are, get lost. Go over to gloryb and moan and groan about your "lost love" over there.
"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"
BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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She has committed to rebuilding her marriage, so why are you encouraging her fantasy of being with OM? Are YOU her H's XOW? If you are, get lost. Go over to gloryb and moan and groan about your "lost love" over there. Lady_Clueless, you sounded reasonable at the beginning, even though I might disagree with some of your points. I did NOT encourage her to be with this OM. As matter of fact, I told her to have no contact and change church. My perception of your reasonableness (and sanity) quickly disappeared after reading the last paragraph of your above post. I hope you're well.
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Here is where you're WRONG again! See how you make assumptions. The editing wasn't done by me but by the mods who apparently think that my use of the word "idiots" to describe some of you was not appropriate and I strongly disagree. A smart person would heed the message being delivered by the mods bumadvisor. Duh.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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GET BACK to sexymamabear's problem now instead of satisfying your hunger and need to attack me. BA... Take your OWN 'advice' and stop satisfying your own hunger!. Leave these desperate people alone. SexyMamaBear... IGNORE 'BestAdvice1'... THAT (and I'm sure others will agree) is some SOUND ADVICE.... Sincerely, TOMK
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