Hi Everyone,

I feel really low today...I have been married for about 2 months. My H and I met years ago in school but never dated. Both in long term relationships. Though we were cordial to each other only rarely had our circles crossed.

Years later after both our relationships ended we ran into one another. I did not date after my ex to give myself time to just enjoy life. He did (relationship ended before mine) but no one seriously. I never wanted to be the “family” woman but he always wanted to be a H and father.

About a year and a half into our relationship I got pregnant. To this day I still beat myself up about it because of my spiritual/religious beliefs. Also, because though my children (twin boys) are a blessing, I enjoyed the new freedom and independence I had. Regardless of this we both stepped up, grew up, and are taking wonderful care of our children who we love more than life itself.

While I was pregnant (before we were married) he made contact with his ex. They only spoke briefly but he lied to me about it. They ran into each other and when I asked if he spoke to her he said NO. I am and have never been the jealous type and always disclosed if I ran into my ex. So needless to say this was/is a HUGE deal for me. His reason for not telling me was because his ex got mad when he ran into other women he dated and he thought I would too. After explaining to him I would not be and that I knew we all live in the same city, it was no big deal that he “saw” her only that he LIED to me about it.

Well from that point on I have not had the warm and fuzzy feelings I once did. That day sadly my soul mate died and left me with a “great guy”. Though he has not maintained contact or even made contact since that one time, I still don't trust him. Trust is a major deal for me because my parents divorced when my father had an affair.

Despite the feeling of no trust, he convinced me to marry him. I know that it was just as much my decision so please don’t think I am not owning my part in this. Due to the trust issue I pushed for premarital counseling and we did the premarital counseling, even incorporating the information on this site, and received the go ahead from my minister.

Now the problem, I love my husband deeply but I feel so unahppy in this marriage. I stay only because it is a commitment I made but I cry myself to sleep at night. I feel trapped and alone. H has done nothing but show me over and over again that he can be trusted, he is great with our children, and even tries to meet my emotional needs.

The problem is that I think deep down I only married him due to getting pregnant and not wanting my children to be statistics. I want my children to see that once you become a parent you suck up what you “don’t want to do” and instead do what is best for your children. I often feel like I gave up my happiness so they could be happy.

When I am with my H I am pleasant and even considerate but it is no more an emotional connection than I have with people I work with. I’ve stopped sharing my hopes and dreams with him because it feels like a waste of time. I know deep down he feels unhappy just because I am so unhappy but every day he reminds me that he loves me and that I complete him. He tries to be affectionate but I just push him away or I go along just because I don’t want to feel as if I am punishing him.

I find myself feeling like I knew better and should have gone with my gut (I started to leave him when I found out about the lie). I find that now to cope I treat him like crap and blame everyone from him to the minister to myself and even sometimes God for my unhappiness. It is personal but that is the only time I feel I can make him feel like he made me when I found out about his lie. I am slowly getting more and more depressed every night because I know he will want to talk or be intimate.. Why do I feel this way?

I really want to be happy again. I know that I am holding on to a grudge but I am scared to death to end up like my mom. She caught my father in a lie early on and choose to “stick it out” and not give up and years later, he decided to go ahead and cheat.

I have tried counseling because I see that I am now the toxin in our relationship. I also know that punishing him despite his willingness to be transparent is doing more harm than good. My counselor can see no real problem other than I seem disinterested in my H.

I have talked to him in casual conversation about divorce and he does not believe in it. His belief is that you stick it out no matter how bad it gets. So I know that just being mean is not going to force his hand. I would need to leave him which I would do...IF I did not have the twins.

Please help me. Is my marriage saveable? Has anyone else dealt with this and overcome? Any suggestions would be appreciated. I don't do well with "tough love" so if you have something rude or snappy to say, please don't share. Thank you. [color:"purple"] [/color] [color:"purple"] [/color]

Clear,

yes, your marriage can be saved..and you can build the happy marriage you desire. Just so you know..what I say may come across as harsh...but really take some time to think about it..

It sounds like part of the problem is, you had one man in your mind that you were dating, and when he wasn't that man, it destroyed the image created.

That's actually pretty normal, and we all tend to do that at times..and need to come to terms with the reality that people we love WILL disappoint us, just as we WILL disappoint those we love.

But whats holding you back from trusting him again? the fact you know he's lied in the past, and your afraid he will lie again in the future? He's a sinner, just like you are..and your right, he might lie to you again..but let me ask you something..do you like for your sins to be held over your head?

Most certainly it takes time to rebuild trust..and sometimes it takes a LONG time..but in this case, as he has proven himself trustworthy in this area since that time, are you maybe holding your fathers sins against your husband?

Is it that you are afraid to trust him, because you lost trust in your father? (who by the way is also a sinner)

How long must he pay and you pay (by not being able to enjoy this man you married) for a sin Jesus already died and made payment for?? a year? two years?

How much penance can take the place of what Christ did on the cross?

So, basically, you are willing to throw away your entire marriage and your childrens' family because your husband had one conversation with his ex? It sounds to me like you are obsessing just a little bit and grasping at straws for an excuse to get out of a situation. (There MUST be more to it than that)

Your husband should not be punished for the sins of your father.

If you continue to behave this way then you will have a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will force this man to leave you...then you can declare that the reason you behaved that way is because you knew he would leave you. Victory? I think not.

You need to see a counselor and you need some antidepressants...and quickly! Basically, to recap your story:

"I got knocked up and grudgingly married my husband. He had a conversation with his ex a long time ago in which he did not immediately tell the truth for fear that I would hold it against him. Now, I hold it against him in his every waking action. It's all his fault because he lied to me once. I never wanted children and I never wanted to be married."

Based on your timeline...this conversation between your husband and his ex took place prior to your marriage?

So, are you saying that even though you never wanted to be married and have a family, that you would be perfectly happy today in your situation if only he hadn't had that one conversation with his ex?

Clear, Welcome.

I, too, think your marriage can be saved and become a wonderful thing. You want it to work, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, and your husband wants it to work too based on what you are describing.

Here’s what’s really hard about improving a marriage: You have to force yourself to be vulnerable even when you don’t want to.

Meanwhile, have you read up about the emotional needs? Considering you don’t have any complaints about your husband’s behavior, I’m guessing Lovebusting isn’t an issue right now. So, does your husband meet your emotional needs the way you want them met? Would he be open to changing how he does this?

Also, it sounds a little like you are having an identity crisis. You wrote you never saw yourself as the “family” woman. But, now you are a mother and stuck doing motherly things for TWINS!!! I’m guessing the twins are still very young. Young children can absorb your entire being if you let them. You may feel a little resentful, and that may be bouncing back on your husband because of course, you couldn’t resent those two little angels.

After you slog through it, round about when they hit 3 or 4, you suddenly find you have some time to just be yourself. (Isn’t it wonderful when no one is yelling “Mommmmmmmy!”?) This alone may improve your outlook and emotional availability. Are you working outside the home? If not, maybe consider ways you can be something other than Mommy. Work part time or get a babysitter so that you can volunteer and be with adults who can appreciate your brain, wit and wisdom.

If worse comes to worse, go on the After Divorce Board and read about how awful dating is. It is not the lovely life movies and TV present. Most relationships end. And it's sad.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks so much for your input and valueable insight. I will try to answer the questions in the order they were posed, sorry if I miss a few as the last read is the first remembered.

Yes I work outside the home. FT at that in what is an okay job. Great pay but not loving the work anymore.

Yes I am a bit resentful. I think there is a sum total of things that bother me. One being that H is not meeting all my emotional needs. One example just today, we had a serious family situation and H left me hanging because he did not want to have to confront his family member (first family incident)...not so loving or a good sign on what's to come in my opinion.

I am just so unhappy. I have always been a really strong independent person and I know that the twins won't always take up so much of my time. Truth be told I am kinda happy that they are right now because it gives me a reason to not have to spend more time with H.

It really is sad and a bit pathetic but I am so lonely in this marriage and I think H knows it. I guess I figured that the Christian thing to do would be to marry him and then God would take over and "fix" this. Unfortunately, it does not work this way.

I feel that I give and give and still at the end of the day when I do open up and allow myself to be vulerable. I am let down. I do obsess over what my dad did and the sad thing is that H reminds me of him so much.

He is the only guy I ever dated who did and low and behold I feel I am repeating the cycle. Hope this makes sense and is not all over the place. Thanks again for your takes on this.

I am praying every day for guidance and a soft heart but it seems like my prayers are not being answered. I want to love H and be happy and have a healthy home for my twins but I feel like I'm the weakest link.

BTW, I have done counseling (more than once and with more than one counselor) and it seems the H problem is the only one that I can never get past.

I was on my way to an apt so I could not elaborate. This is just a continuation of my last post. My H and I were helping a family member (his side) in a tough situation. We paid lots of money to help the family member.

We don't have tons of money but we needed the service so we chalked it up. Today we find out that he took our money and is not going to follow through with his end of the bargain. I confronted H about it and asked if he knew the details.

H tells me no so I ask him to please call and find out what we can do about getting our money back. H does not want to confront him so we are left with no service and now no money to get a replacement. This is the type of thing that makes our situation even worse.

Fortunately for us this is the first family confrontation but unfortunately this just shows me that I am even more on my own than I initially thought. This sent my LB way way into the negative. So now I sit here angry at the situation because I initially did not want to help out but let H convince me to. I am also hurt that H did not do anything to get our money back or even speak up on our behalf.

I let H handle the entire transaction so I feel he is the one who is supposed to go to his family. I am just really disappointed.

As for the comment on checking out the divorce board. I do read those. The difference with me is that I have no desire to date (especially with the twins) because I don't want diff men around my children. Nor do I even have the energy to foster a relationship. I just really want to be mommy and do what I need to do to keep my twins healthy and happy.

Is it your husband you can't get past... or your father?

If we have unresolved issues with our parents, we tend to try and resolve them in our marriages. "If only I were worthy enough, Dad wouldn't have left, have drunk, have hit" Your husband may remind you a lot of your father, but so far, he hasn't left you. It could be that part of you is waiting for when he leaves.

Have you tried any post-traumatic stress therapy? From what I hear, it's not at all like "talking" therapy. And it can really help us move beyond traumatic events.

Meanwhile, why don't you fill in the ENQ and LBQ. They're available free on the main site. Ask your husband to fill them in as well.

We're not going to let you off the hook easily, Clear. Some people here talk about "earning your divorce." I wouldn't put it quite like that, but there's a lot to be said about exhuasting all your options before divorce. Divorce is not to be undertaken lightly. It puts children in a situation of torn loyalties, a situation many adults can't handle. It hammers the financial well-being of middle class families and destroys struggling families. Even the well-to-do make some sacrifices. And, if you have a spouse who pulls his or her own weight around the house, it dramatically curtails your leisure time. Even women who think their husbands do nada find out that there is a lot more to do than they thought.

Fill in the ENQ. Work with your husband to meet those needs. Share in a safe way that you felt betrayed, hurt, disappointed when he didn't help handle the family crisis.

You can do this. There is a chance of being happily married.

Okay, I missed the second post. You need to follow Policy of Joint Agreement starting now. If you two get into the habit of finding a way that makes you both happy, you'll be much better off, even if the marriage ends.

Families are tough. Losing money to family when you have a young family is tougher. If you ask to have the money returned, you could create a schism in the family because you will be the evil witch. Meanwhile, you're probably worried sick. I'd share this feeling with your husband. Use "I feel" statements. "I feel scared that we no longer have that money to get this done" "I felt mad when you said you wouldn't ask for the money back." I felt alone when you didn't confront X."

Forgive me for asking a personal question. Is financial support one of your needs? FS can look different to different people. Mrs. Hold (Holdingontoit's wife) likes baubles. I personally wanted some sort of savings account besides my husband's inventory. Supposedly "inventory" was our savings account, our retirement fund, everything. My ex likes stuff--old stuff. He buys and sells out prints and rare books. Stuff is his security. Mine is an income I can see, touch and put in the bank.

My advice about the ENQ and LBQ still stands.

I can do the ENQ and LBQ again. We did it before months back (twice really before and after marriage) and I still am left in this same rut. He completed his but only to the extent of just getting it done so I would stop asking him. He then attacked me for mine because he said he does do these things for me. When I stressed that it needs to feel to ME like these are being done he shut down.

Right now I make the most money. Which is not bad I have a better industry, well not better just one that tends to bring in more money. The problem I have is that now all of a sudden when he gets money it is no longer our money. It is his because he makes less. When I was on maternity leave he helped out a lot with the bills and so forth so I know he is capable. I asked him if it bothered him that I made more and he says no because whatever helps the family is priority.

BUT it's like I support the family and he buys whatever is on his mind at the time. He will even borrow money to do things he wants to do (social activities) from his family. But if we are in dire straits, he won't borrow money to help with the family. Though I think we could manage without borrowing (at least if he curtails many of his social activities) from his family. An example of this is he borrowed money to go on a trip with his friends but when Mother's Day rolled around, he had no money for a gift for me because he wanted to go on his trip.

You see, this forum is my last resort. I have utilized all the resources on this site. Since we have been married and even before. I have even done counseling. Even tried to get him to go with me.

He did with one counselor and before we went (which I did not know until after the fact) he read up on all these different "key phrases" and so forth so that once we got there, he could sound "experienced/knowledgeable" with the counselor to help diagnose ME. So guess what, the counselor fell for it and I came away as the "problem" even though the counselor did admit ONCE that H should not have lied. But the counselor then found a way to help H justify lying to me if it is easier than having to confront me with a difficult situation. Some counselor huh?

I am really torn right now. I look at my M and think wow if it is this bad at 2 months when we are supposed to still be so in love, what is the point. While I was reading the Bible this AM it said to not give up and to stick it out. I felt like it was talking to me. The problem I have is how much suffering do I have to take. I try to talk and it falls on deaf ears. His take is as long as he is not lying he is keeping his end of the bargain. I tell him that there is more to M than honesty and love, but he feels as long as he sticks around he is being a great H.

You know as I sit here and type this I realize, the problem I am having is not so much the lying it is the feelings that came along with the lying. Every time he lets me down it takes me back to that same feeling of loss and mistrust. This incident with his family stirred up those feelings again inside me. Not getting me a Mother's Day gift stirred up those feelings. Etc. I know technically one should not relate to the other but still they do with me.

Ah, see? Now, we’re getting an entirely different picture of your marriage. In the first posts, you painted a picture of a perfect husband who really tries to meet your needs and the big issue is you don’t trust him because he once told a lie.

Now, we’re getting a MUCH more complicated picture. I’m not sure how much help I can be. I’m divorced. My ex always considered his money his. All the bills ended up in my name, and when I told him I was going to pay the bills, he say “How much do you need and when do you need it by?” So, as my income went up, his contribution went down. If I cut costs, his contribution went down.

We had separate accounts because of my ex’s pre-existing legal situation. I would NEVER have separate monies like that again. Having the money be “our” money would not have saved my marriage, but it would have made the problems really obvious much earlier.

Is your husband willing to follow POJA? Would he be willing to have all money go into and come out of a joint account?

And, finally, if the answers are “no” to that, what resources do you have around you if you need to separate from him? (IE Plan B-1 “The Wake Up Call”)

BTW, I wouldn’t bother filling in your ENQ if that’s his attitude. Just make sure you’re not committing any LBs that could come back to bite you.

Time for some retrospect: He reluctantly fills out his EN quiz. What that says to me is that there wasn't POJA to fill this out. You didn't give him, or yourself, room to negotiate a win/win situation, to make this EN survey worthwhile to HIM. And then he does it reluctantly, anyway, possibly building resentment. And you reward him by saying it isn't good enough. OUCH! Followed by his attacking your EN list. Which can be seen two ways: maybe he does (rub your back/wash the car/talk to you), but he doesn't understand how his actions aren't meeting your needs. For example, Conversation about groceries isn't M building. But another way to look at it is he thinks he fulfills your needs and is not getting credit. Seems like more conversation was in order on both sides, but you chose to get fight instead of staying calm. This is important to my next point.

I don't like your counselor. I don't think he should be encouraging spouses diagnosing each other, that's best left to the professionals. But really listen to what is being said, beyond the rationalization: You make telling the truth difficult. Ok, it isn't your fault DH is a conflict avoider. That's his mess. But your contribution to this is that you don't make it safe for DH to be truthful. It sounds like your first response to adversity is anger. Absorb that. Think on it. Consider how you can tell your DH that you disagree without being angry. Ponder how you communicate, and what disrespectful judgements you use during a conversation. And is everything worth getting angry over, or do you have a threshhold? It looks like LBing is draining both of your banks.

I don't intend to sound snotty, but Mother's Day is not a dire family emergency. Perhaps it was not the ideal example, or perhaps it is really that you hold resentment for his trips. Which would you say it is?

Sweetie, buy yourself one! I'm a big advocate of doing for yourself that which makes you happy (so long as it doesn't break the bank or cause you to love your DH less).

I also wonder, how is your DH with $. Does he resent your being the primary breadwinner? Does he feel embarrassed to ask you for $, if you have more of the marital assets? And why is he taking vacations the family can't afford (I'm presuming you're upset he borrowed the cash, but maybe you are upset he didn't clear with you his plans. Maybe you feel like a babysitter, not a DW, and you resent his freedom, combined with a lack of your own.)?

Why is someone with small twins involved in financially draining social activities? Can you elaborate? Could he be in withdrawal?

Your DH appears to avoid conflict. I don't think pushing him will help. Next time, let him loan his own money.

So what did you learn from his EN survey?