I seriously need help to try and salvage what might be left of our marriage, if anything.

My situation is somewhat different than most on this site - I am the one who has cheated on my wife (more details below) and she is the one who has given up on the marriage.

To help understand how I have hurt my wife it may help to get a sense of how absolutely horrible my actions have been. Over an extended period of time, starting almost from the day we were married, I have been seeking sexual gratification outside of our marriage. This started with using pornography (magazines and internet) and expanded into chatting with people I didn't know online. Compounded with this behavior I would pressure my wife, from before we were married, to have more sex with me (both in terms of quantity and in variety). This had the effect of pushing my wife away from me and making her feel inadequate. The more I pushed her away, the less satisfied I became with pornography and online chatting. Over time, I actually began to flirt with real people (not online personalities) and even got to the point where I sent email propositioning real people, some of which were crude and sexually explicit. More recently, I was actively trolling for sexual companionship online. The worst of my behavior involves kissing a colleague while my wife was pregnant; telling my wife's best friend (and her maid of honor at the wedding) that I found her attractive, which has helped destroy what was a very good friendship at one point; and propositioning a real person through email while my wife was 9 months pregnant.

In February 2007 my wife discovered that I had established an email alias and had enormous quantities of pornography installed on my computer. At the time, I lied to my wife and told her that is the extent of my problems. In March 2007 my wife discovered one of the emails I had sent propositioning a real person. I again lied to my wife and told her that this was all I had done. The timing of this was absolutely horrible for my wife - she was pregnant with twins at the time (born May 2007) and was not in a position where she could manage the household without my presence. So, while she wanted to kick me out of the house, she felt she could not. During this time we attended counseling together and I actively tried to convince my wife that she was aware of all my extra-curricular activities. Finally on June 12, 2007 my wife sent me an email telling me that she cannot begin to heal until she knows everything I have done wrong (she had discovered another email where I propositioned someone). I complied with her request, divulging all I had done, including the kiss and telling her best friend I was attracted to her mentioned above.

Since June 12, things have been quite difficult. My wife says that reading that email made her realize in one moment that my whole life has been a manipulation of her and that I do not know what love is nor am I capable of loving her. She has also asked me to move out of the house after the twins are able to sleep through the night and told me that she doesn't love me anymore. At times, I had hope that she would let us begin repairing our relationship. She has, however, spoken with the friend I described above and is now even more upset, telling me that I am nothing but toxic for her. She has indicated that she is finally gathering the strength to break free of me and she thanks god that it is finally happening. She says that there is no possible way we can remain together and that she is done with me.

Based on my actions for such an extended period of time, there is no doubt that it sends a message that I don't care for my wife and I don't know how to love. The problem is, I do love her (even if I didn't know what proper love is or how to love her as she deserves to be loved) and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. This whole process has been a wake-up call for me. I have been seeing a counselor for the past four months and have been learning why I wanted to act the way I did. In addition to looking at root causes, we have also explored the addiction side of my actions. My entire outlook on life is beginning to change and I honestly believe that I am becoming a new person. This, of course, does not minimize my culpability for my actions, but does help me to understand why I acted the way I do. Perhaps with understanding will come an ability to grow and learn how to love, not only myself, but my wife the way she deserves to be loved. When I first started working on myself, I was only afraid of losing her. But now, things have changed. Even if my wife never lets me back into her life (which I hope is not true), I want to be a different person. No one deserves to be hurt the way I have hurt my wife. And since I never want to hurt her again, I guess I need to make completely sure that I can (and am well on the way to) fix myself.

I have offered my life to my wife as an open book - she can monitor everything online and all of my actions at any time in the hope that she can begin to rebuild trust, not through my words, but through my actions. She honestly believes she will never be able to trust me again and hence, there is no reason to even try.

I am trying to give my wife space so she can process things, but I am afraid if the girls start sleeping through the night I will be out of the house and that will ruin any possible chance at repairing the marriage.

Given the toxicity of our relationship right now, how do I begin to repair our relationship? Any thoughts or suggestions would be most appreciated.

painful,

In a nutshell, you are a sex addict.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. Actually, there are people on here with similar issues that can help you.

I think you need to go into sex addiction counseling. If you are a Christian, go to Christian counseling that specializes in this problem. If not, just find a counselor! Google sex addicts anonomous. I know they have meetings all over the country.

Show your wife that you are serious about getting the help you need.

This can be overcome.

Good luck to you, and hang around here. There is tons of good help on this website.

You are not alone. You are slowly facing the full consequences of your actions. But the main reason that your wife is having trouble believing you is because she has always been told "there is nothing else" only to find that there is a LOT more. And right now, she's simply just waiting to find out what else you've done.

It will take time for her to get over this. Like her, I was pregnant when my H cheated. You can't get worse than that. She was feeling overweight (and with TWINS!) and insecure. Hormones are going crazy. And when she needed YOU to tell her that she was the most beautiful person in the world to you... YOU sought out someone who wasn't pregnant, skinnier, etc. Everything she wasn't. And because she was pregnant, she had NO way to combat this physically. That is exactly how I felt.

You CAN win her back. Be patient. Invite her to do things with you. Your hobbies, your personal time, all those things. YOU may need to take the initiative and get a sitter for a much needed dinner out. With the babies so young, you'll only have a couple of hours, but it's a start.

Give her open access to EVERYTHING. Cell phone, cc's, emails (ALL of them). Tell her to call or come visit you at ANY time when you are at work and you always come STRAIGHT home after work.

You will have to literally bend over backwards.

Keep all your doors open to HER and her only.

It will take time. A lot of time.

Marriage counseling over a period of time, not just weeks. You both need it. Find a good counselor outside of church and one who is PRO-MARRIAGE.

Read His Needs Her Needs.

And do not move out. Instead, help her at night with the twins (as much as you can) or at the very least, just be WITH her when she wakes up. Give her some help. She feels very alone right now.
You're on the right track. But be patient.

RTL nailed it, too. Porn was just the first crack in the shell and you are in full fledged addict mode.

I definitely agree. In fact, very quickly after the first incident in 02/07, I said and accepted the same. This is a theme we explore in counseling and I have purchased and completed a book called the Sex Addiction Workbook. Since 02/07 none of the behavior I used to engage in has surfaced and, quite frankly, I haven't had the desire. That said, I still may be in shock mode and recognize that my addictive actions may come back when I step outside of this mode. That is why I will continue with counseling for the foreseeable future and maintain the coping/soothing mechanisms I am learning.

I'll also add one more thing... my FWH doesn't get this, but maybe it will help you.

Go to bed at the SAME TIME. My FWH has trouble sleeping sometimes or has to stay up late due to work. This, sadly, often freaks me out enough that I can't sleep. I know for a FACT he's not doing anything with another woman now, but he's like you: a porn addict.

We're working on that.

But the best thing you can do is simply go to sleep the same time she does. It helps more than you can possibly realize.

Thank you so much for that insight. The more I can understand what she is thinking and feeling, the easier it is for me to step back and give her the space she is asking for. Although I have finally (and with much difficulty) told her everything, she has no reason to believe me based on past actions.


Again, thank you for the insight. My behavior with others (i.e., propositioning someone and kissing someone) all occurred with a previous pregnancy (we currently have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old son). This pregnancy, I limited myself to pornography. I see how my actions have destroyed her self-esteem, and only hope that she can rebuild that self-esteem in the future. The sad thing is that I consider her an incredibly attractive woman, even when pregnant, despite the fact that my actions make her think otherwise.


Good advice - will do.


This is one of the most difficult things for me. The more time it takes the more hopeless I become. The more I believe she will never be able to let me into her life again. But, I will hang in there and give her my all.


Prior to the birth we were going to counseling together, but since the 06/12/07 disclosure, she is unwilling to go to counseling with me. Today, however, she did go to that same counselor (outside church) on her own, which concerns me because I'm afraid she may have told the counselor that she is done trying. Truth is, I don't know if the counselor is pro marriage or not and I don't know how to find out. Given that my wife is already speaking to her without me, it very well may be too late.


I have no intention of moving out. But, if she wants me to, I will respect her wishes. My hope, however, is that I can stay in the house and continue helping out as much as I have been.

Thank you so much for the advice. It is very helpful to hear from someone on the other end. Plus, it gives me a glimmer of hope when all feels lost at times. Thank you very much.

Stall on divorce as long as you can, get treatment for your sex addiction, meet your W's ENs that she will allow you to meet, avoid LBs, and show your W through time that you have change. Be patient, this will take a long time to prove yourself worthy. When she talks about divorce, tell her you will not discuss it, instead you are focusing all your effort into straightening yourself out and winning her back.

I agree with Jim. You can't just give up the fight on the M. You simply can't. If you really are wanting to save it, don't just throw up your hands in surrender.

I am glad that you seem to be actually listening to what I have to say. I believe you when you say you want it to work. Therefore, I'll be completely open and honest about how *I* felt when my husband cheated on me in the same scenario.

As for counseling, you may try going to a different counselor. If not, another thought crossed my mind... you say you've been to MC before, but ...

Have you truly been honest & forthright with everything in counseling? I have a feeling that before, you withheld things simply to help not hurt your W. But as you can see... if you hold it back and NOT tell her truthfully and remorsefully, when it *does* finally come up, it hurts even worse. All you've done is delay the pain and made it worse in the process.

I can guess that right now, she is feeling the most bitter betrayal. And top that off with hormones from postpartum. Right now, her feelings are stronger than what her normally level head would tell her. SHe's hurt. Plain and simple.

She needs you more than ever, even when she's pushing you away. She will not seek you out as a safe haven because you haven't been that. But continue to change your behavior and she will eventually look to you for comfort and safety.

Just be there. AS much as you can without smothering.

Thanks again ws - your post is very helpful.

I think in an attempt to give her space and not smother her I have actually been more distant than perhaps is appropriate. I took this stance after I did attempt to smother her and seriously took to heart her request to give her space. Your post has made me realize, however, that I may be too distant in the last few days, especially emotionally.

Good... I'm glad for you. I'll check in on this thread often. I hope you keep fighting positively. Your W just needs constant reassurance that you love her. Even just being there with her quietly reading a book... reach over and hold her hand. I'll hold out hope for you both. It's still very early in your road to recovery. Don't give up at the beginning.

Another book to get: The Five Love Languages.

Yesterday my wife had her session with our counselor. All in all, I think it was positive.

She had a lot of light bulbs go off to make her realize just how messed up I am (not just sexually) and how this messed up our marriage. She also realized a few things about herself that need to be worked on to be in any healthy relationship. Some of the revelations she learned about me are actually helpful and she offered them to me in a constructive manner. She is going to see the counselor again on 7/7 (Sat.) while I see my counselor 7/3 (Tues.). I will have a lot to talk about.

Concerning moving out, the counselor apparently pointed out that moving out is most certainly a first step toward ending the marriage. She agrees, therefore, that moving out is not the best thing right now, but that if for some reason we cannot coexist amicably (too much anger/pain) then it may be a necessary step. As of right now, the plan is for me to stay in the house. I am very thankful for that.

As for us, there are no decisions and, my wife warned, it will take a long time for there to be any decisions, one way or another. She gently informed me that if she had to make a decision right now, it would be to end the marriage. But, no decisions will be made now. She has great doubt that I can change - there is a lot to change, including the acting out sexually. So, my goal is to make that change, to continue on this path of painful growth. Although my wife doesn't really want to help with this growth (she is still way to upset and angry at me to have any desire to see me become a better person) she does realize that my becoming a better person will also make me a better father, and that is a good thing. So, hopefully that thought can help her nudge me in the right direction when she sees me acting in certain ways.

Next step - continue counseling & navel gazing. Buy His Needs/Her Needs & try to identify what emotional needs my wife has that I can try to meet.

You say you have offered your life as an open book but she does not want to even try right now. Have you taken action on offering your life as an open book?

Do you still have your own cell phone? Do you have any e-mail accounts that she does not know about?

How about if you pay someone to come in and install a keylogger and have all given to her so that she can monitor you. Are there ways that you can take action right now to show her that you WILL be an open book that she can choose to read--that you will no longer have any sort of separate life from her?
Lake

Good question Lake. I actually thought a lot about that last week and understand that my words alone are not enough to begin building trust. So, I sent her an email last week letting her know that she should feel comfortable tracking my online activities using google desktop (didn't mention keylogger, but am fine with that). Perhaps a better step would have been to install the program myself and given her control over the password.

I also told her I would willingly keep a log of any miles I have to drive other than straight to work and straight home.

I don't really go out without her very often, but also offered to always let her know who I am with and where I am and that she should feel free to call the person I claim I am with to check on me and my behavior.

We have a family plan with cell phones so every call I make or receive is open to her review, and I told her to feel comfortable tracking my calls.

I have informed her of every email account I have and she has all the passwords.

I think my wife was appreciative of the willingness to open everything to her, but she isn't at a point where she really cares about our future so it doesn't carry much weight. When she is ready, however, she will know the pieces will be in place to make my life an open book.

The only open book problem that I can think of is work. There is no way to have a keylogger or tracking software at work. But, work has a pretty restrictive internet filter that would make it next to impossible to act out sexually. Of course, telling her that doesn't relieve all concerns, but I don't know of any practical way to change that. Any thoughts would be most appreciated.

I'm proud of the steps you've made so far. You are doing your best to be sincere, keep it up. Right now, TIME is the only thing that will heal this. You just have to keep on the right path.

Your wife (I'll mostly like interject my own past feelings, since they are similar) is trying to heal. Keep in mind, that while YOU are closing the door and YOU know how YOU feel, she doesn't. There isn't a way that she could read your mind and your heart... so, she will be skeptical of anything for now.

For HER, this is a new thing. It's unknown. She's feeling around in the dark waiting for something to hurt her because that's her most recent experience. My FWH couldn't understand for a while why I couldn't simply accept that he'd closed the door and moved on. Why? Because I wasn't him. I wasn't inside his head. And he'd had 10 months of an affair while I'd only been living it for a few weeks.

TIME. We can't rush healing. It takes time to heal the wounds properly. While we would like it to stop NOW, it will heal best slowly. Don't push it, or you'll do more damage in the end.

You are looking to the winning goal: saving your marriage and your W's love for you.

If you can, put your details in your signature so it's easy to reference the timeframe for everyone.

In a future post, I will take the time to spell out some of the revelations I have made (partly with my wife's help) about my behavior and motivating factors (not excuses). I would like to give it a lot of time and attention and I look at that as a sort of self-discovery process and the writing of such things as a form of journaling (even though all of you are able to view my writings).

For now, I was curious if anyone has recommendations on how to begin meeting my wife's emotional needs. Given our current situation, do you think it is too soon for me to reach out that way? If it is not too soon, how do I find out which of her emotional needs are most important if she is not willing to identify them for me because she is not open to working on our relationship at this time? I do know that she would not be open to me sending her flowers/buying things/leaving notes/or reaching out to touch her. As always any thoughts would be appreciated.

Conversation, affection, and admiration are ways to meet your BW's ENs right away. What are your W's interests? What does she talk to her friends about? You need to have light hearted conversation with humor injected in here and there. It will feel forced at first, but will come more natural with time. Affection doesn't have to be physical or grand acts. You can get up early and pick up breakfast in the morning, pick up a book by her favorite author that just came out, pick up or cook dinner for her if she's had a long day at work. As for admiration, tell her that her new haircut, dress, top, pair of jeans looks nice on her, the meal she cooked tasted wonderful, thank you for taking care of the kids/laundry/dinner/etc. Help her out with the domestic work around the house. These are all ways to show her that you are making a sincere effort.

Thanks Jim - very helpful. I am doing those things, but trying not to seem too pushy at the same time. I guess my take away is that I should not hold off on doing those things until she is in a better state of mind. Thanks again.

Quick update on last night...

No relationship talk last night or this morning (with one small exception). This is ordinarily somewhat difficult because I don't know what she is thinking or feeling with regards to us and I have a strong desire to get inside her head to find out definitively where she is. Last night, however, I was relatively at ease with just being with her rather than talking about us. To be sure, the desire was there to talk about us, but it wasn't every present or overwhelming.

The one small exception involved me apologizing for touching her shoulder in an affectionate manner yesterday morning. I realized I did this because I was feeling insecure and was hoping for a positive response from my wife to ease my own insecurity. Realizing this yesterday afternoon, I felt it appropriate to apologize. I was placing my own desires ahead of her wishes. I think she genuinely appreciated my recognizing and apologizing. Small step, but a step nonetheless.

What follows is a details description of thoughts I have had during my self-discovery process. It will be quite boring to the average person and not directly applicable to the theme of the main post. Don't feel obligated to read. If you do choose to read, as always, I would appreciate your feedback.

The past four months have been quite a process of self-discovery and I do believe there is a long way to go. Perhaps writing about and reflecting on some of those discoveries will help keep me on the path of continued discovery.

The first revelation was that I am a sex addict. No question about it and freely admitted. I thought about sex a lot and sought sexual gratification in many ways. To deal with the addiction part, I realize that I must avoid situations that permit me to act out (e.g., avoid internet when not at work)

It was the thinking about my triggers to act out sexually that I first began to move beyond the simple classification of sex addiction. I realized that it was at times when I felt lonely or unloved that I was most likely to seek sexual gratification. Fundamentally, I don't know how to love myself and because I don't have the proper techniques to sooth myself, once I run out of distractions I begin to act out sexually. So, I have been working on soothing techniques (solo prayer, quite reflection, driving) that permit me to be comfortable when alone.

Of course, the realization that I don't know how to love myself or soothe myself doesn't answer the question, why. That is what I am struggling with now with my counselor. Part of that process is becoming more familiar with past family dynamics and trying to see how that affects my life now. I have started this process by having discussions with various family members about my childhood. But, I feel I am just barely beginning to scratch the surface.

Because I was not able to love myself or sooth myself, I needed a lot from my wife (both physically and emotionally). In other words, my expectations were unreasonable. They were such that no human being could meet. My wife, unconsciously realizing she could not meet my needs, reacted in part by pulling back from me, which in turn left me feeling more alone. My wife also reacted, in part, by subsuming her wishes and desires to what she thought would make me happy. The sad thing is, nothing could have made me happy but myself, which is what I'm working on now on a daily basis.

Tied up with all of this is the recent realization that I was (and still am to a degree) immature, especially when it comes to understanding and living love. My wife has been instrumental in helping me make this discovery and I will need to explore further with my counselor. What I understand so far is that my immaturity is reflected in being selfish and in equating sacrifice with love. Now that we have children, I have been maturing as a natural part of growing, and have been learning (in part on my own) to subsume my desires to those of my children. Unfortunately, I don't think I have done the same with my wife, and that is something I need to work on.

Because I equate love with sacrifice, I have often subsumed my desires for my wife's in an unhealthy way. Rather than being a willing decision on my part, I carry resentment and yet have convinced myself that this is true love. Very, very unhealthy. This comes across in little ways (e.g., "I can't go out tonight because my wife needs me at home") and in large ways (e.g., "I moved here for my wife.") This has the effect of making it look like I am always the one who is giving in the relationship when in reality, she gives as much as me and yet gives freely.

I also realize that in social settings I am much more likely to act out when alcohol is involved - I must avoid alcohol at all costs when I'm not with my wife.

I also realize that I have incredibly unhealthy and unrealistic expectations of myself and others. I am very driven and seek perfection in just about everything I do. That is impossible to achieve and leads to constant disappointment in myself. This disappointment, when combined with acting out sexually, leads to an odd (and still not-understood) relationship between guilt and increased acting out. My expectations on others at times has also led to resentment for my wife. I need to figure out a way to align my expectations with reality.

My high expectations may be tied to another character flaw - I'm judgmental. Just an observation at this point.

Well, I think that is enough detail for now. There are more thoughts in my head, but they are not very refined at this point. As my thinking continues to clarify, I will try to continue fleshing it out in the written word. If you have taken the time, thanks for reading.