Amen.

I find this line of thinking very interesting, because I think it's where my WW is.

Sis, count me among those who think you should counsel with the Harleys before doing anything other than sinking back into your Plan B.

So...Rswife and nia asked...what are my plans...

My first priority was going out for margaritas with a group from work after the early end to the day. Check.

As for right now...I really don't know what my plans are. Do I have to decide now? I'd like some time to just breathe. I hope that this feeling of peace is not a temporary reprieve. I hope that something bigger happened for me; it feels like something bigger happened for me. I want to see if that is the case....just take some time to get some perspective.

I don't plan on any contact, so if that means I'm in Plan B again, then I guess that's where I am. WH will be dropping the boys off tonight at 8:30. I am going to enjoy the next couple of days with the boys...low key, depends on the weather. Then WH has them for the weekend (I hate it when they are gone...)

Interestingly...the way you have all described Plan B is where I feel I am NOW...not the way I felt when I went to Plan B. I think I went to Plan B only because I could not DO Plan A anymore. I needed this time in "plan B" just to figure out who I am and what I am capable of.

I've got a much better handle on that now...after four months of really, truly being on my own. But emotionally, I've still been stuck, connected, unable to let go.

My sense is that yesterday could potentially be the beginning of a REAL Plan B. I finally felt that I could let go...I was done DOing. I was turning him over to God, having done all that I could.

Does this make sense?

All of this debate just stirs it all up, makes it bigger.

My gut tells me that Lex is right, but my mind says no...it's all spinning right now. It's a holiday tomorrow, so a lazy day is welcome.

FOX!!!!

YES!!! Bless you. That is it. That is so exactly how I feel.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for expressing it. I am so glad you get what I am trying to say.

Sis ~ you say first:


Then you say:


How can you be "spinning" and at peace?

I would venture to guess that you got a "fix", hence the fleeting sense of satisfaction...until it wears off and you need to "stir the pot" again.

I also fear that you are selectively listing to Lex...she is not recommending that you follow your gut.

y sense is that yesterday could potentially be the beginning of a REAL Plan B. I finally felt that I could let go...I was done DOing. I was turning him over to God, having done all that I could.

Does this make sense?

____________________

makes sense to me.
actually, i was thinking the same thing.......this is the REAL beginning of plan B.

hang in there.

Actually, the point was made earlier that the arguing is distracting and not helpful.

I think I agree.

Sis, I'll be back to post to you when you are ready to let go of Plan Sis. ((hugs))

I think it makes sense..and I do think I understand why you broke Plan B...In reality, very few people go through Plan B without ever breaking it....it's just harder to stop the urge to say something or to do something once you start down that path. It can be like an addiction all to itself..but if you are re-committing to Plan B and deciding to go dark again, what happened yesterday could be the catalyst for a real Plan B. Just be honest with yourself, because the urge to do something or to say something that may get through to him, will likely pop up again...I am not condemning your choices at all, and I respect your ability to make choices for yourself, afterall it is your life. I wish you nothing but the best sis.

I was at peace last night and this morning...read my posts. It's six pages of posts since this morning with all variations on advice and commentary that sets my mind to spinning...

I know she's not telling me to go with my gut. What I am saying is that my gut tells me that the very specific strategy that she laid out (set up appts, be in a Plan B throughout) is what I should do. Doesn't mean I will listen to it. It's my gut reaction, and I recognize it as such.

I'm not doing anything.

I just want to get back to where I was this morning. I let go! I felt it! I didn't feel like I got a fix, I feel like I got a get out of jail free card. Not happy, not intriqued, not titilated. Just relieved to know that I no longer had to bear this burden of needing to save WH or "show him" the truth. He KNOWS the truth, and is choosing not to act on it. I don't have to convince him anymore.

Like Fox said, that gives me the freedom somehow (I don't know how to describe it) to focus on my own life, what I have today. To turn my attention away from WH and his drama, and just be me.

All along...people have been telling me to give it to God and to focus on me. Maybe this was what I needed to do to give it to God. Maybe this what MY way of taking that step. Maybe this is what I needed to do, for me, to step back and let God step in. Not an MB way, that's for sure, but if it helps me let go, isn't that what everyone has been advising me to do all along??? If that's the case, do the ends justify the means?

Maybe he was BSing me. That's a good possibility. But can I please just take what I can from this? Even if it's just a few days of peace, I'll take it.

Sis,

I think what you did was for you not for MB and for WH, it was for you it was your zen moment to achive the next level. My dear you won the golden ticket in my book and my opinion.

We all look at the moment and forget where we came from, you have come farther than anyone I know, you have allowed us to dissect and learn from your pain and experience, you continue to allow debate and banter go on and still post your thoughts and feelings. It would hurt me at some of the things said, not because they were said in a mean way but because they open old wounds and create new scars.

Remember its a rollercoaster there will be these good days then there wont, but the they the good ones will come more often and the bad ones will stay away.

LilSis, I'm not terribly interested in the issues of Plan B or SH or where this leaves your marriage. I'm much more concerned about the involvement of the boys in this.

You purposefully arranged for the boys to be present, and your justification for this was that they hadn't gotten answers from their father in a long time of asking.

The question you asked him, in front of them, was whether he believed his actions were right or wrong. You claim that you - and the boys - needed 'closure' on this.

LilSis, I don't believe for a second that you are under the least illusion about his views. You know perfectly well that he thinks it's wrong-ish; ie not the right thing to do but justifiable under the circumstances. To claim you weren't sure about his view is disingenuous.

'Wrongish', however, is not an answer easily explainable to children.

So your asking him this question, in front of his sons, looks suspiciously like an exercise in putting him under the spotlight for the cast-iron chance to point him out to his children as a moral degenerate. An ambush, in other words.

Did your sons have any input into what you asked? Did you consult them about what they would like you to put to their father? Did you give them a veto on holding the encounter? Did you offer them the right to be present at the showdown, or to back out if they preferred?

Did you frogmarch them into this confrontation?

There was absolutely nothing to be gained from this for the boys. Their father says what he's doing is right? They know quite well it's wrong, so they're disappointed and ashamed of him. He says what he's doing is wrong? He's still doing it, so they're disappointed and ashamed of him. The only possible outcome - short of a miracle - was that the boys would be left with a picture of their dad as a disappointing failure.

That benefits them how?



TA

LilSis ~ you needed a fix, you got a fix. It won't be long before you need another, and Lex's advice (unfortunately) has given you an excuse to go back and get another.

Going back to what Pep said earlier - you went to Plan B too soon - you were not ready.

Motivation is the KEY to any behavior.

My first divorce filing - done to get my husbands attention and to force myself to "move on" - did not bring me real, last peace. I had a lot of "right" moments of satisfaction though!

My second divorce filing, done because I truely honestly had Let Go of my husband and turned him to God's care was a completely different result.

My life did not fill with drama, it became calm, settled...focused.

Plan B should be done when one is ready to detach, to let go, to ACCEPT what is.

Plan B with healthy motives is NOT an attempt to force a desired outcome.

Your Plan B was more about getting control over your own environment - and about manipulating your husband to achieve YOUR blueprint, YOUR self will. Over time, this has become more and more clear to me...

You were unwilling to consult a higher authority, unwilling to surrender your Plan Sis to anyone else, not God, not a professional.

I noticed that you usually drop off the boards for a few days before you do something you should not. It's hard for your fear to be heard over the voices of others....so you shut out all but your own Fear...and give over your life to it. I was totally unsurprised at your update - I had been expecting it. I cant say I am happy to be right.

The need to stick your head out and see if it was working is pretty common - even with the best of plan Bs, but ... in this case, you decided you were going to check out the impact of your manipulation, regardless of the cost.

You used your children to rationalize your actions - and I know you love your boys - so to me, this tells me just how deep your own fog, denial, rationalization and self-justification is.

You did not confront your husband for their sake. You confronted him for YOUR sake, at their expense.

Fear is the mind-killer. Your fear has you in its grip very tightly.

Fear is its own self fulfilling prophecy - we tend to create what we fear.

With your divorce pending on the horizon, I hope that you did not set your progress back so far that you end up with what you fear.

Now, Sis, let me know when you are ready to surrender to a power greater than your own. I'll be here to help you. But in the meantime, I can not support Plan Sis.

I for one can say that when my 11 year old was finally included in the discussions...on an age appropriate level, he began to find a greater peace. He had and has a clearer picture of his mother and I believe...as does my therapist who I think is as good as the Harley's, that he is better off. Having illusions of what a parent is or isn't doesn't help anyone. Parents also harm children with their actions and should be called to task by the sane parent... even if on a rare occasion, it is in front of a child and in a respectful fashion. A parent is not due respect merely because they attained the title of mom/dad. Her H should have the ability to stand in front of his children and say why he is behaving a certain way. I do not believe that children should be sheilded from the truth.... in the long run, I think that is much more harmful to a child.

Just my 2 cents as a dad that has been down this road.

MEDC

BR... a genuine question for you. You mentioned that you have a happy marriage right now. I am curious as to how that is possible when you say your H is an "active alcoholic." That must create an inordinate amount of stress in a marriage.

Guilty as charged.

The boys deserve better. Better than both of us.

MEDC:

I'll answer for BR.

I think she is referring to the fact that ONCE AN ALCOHOLIC..ALWAYS AN ALCOHOLIC..

I don't get the impression that her H is drinking...

Thanks Mimi... I'll wait for her answer since you used the word active in her description... but I agree with your assessment of the disease.

medc ~

I answered the same question from Lem 2 years ago.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

mimi - my husband is still drinking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Another genuine question... do you think it is best to raise children in a household where there is an active alcoholic??? or do you think would be best to leave and protect the children from the obvious consequences of growing up in such an environment? I know the answer may seem obvious since you are still there... but my question is genuine in that I truly do not understand that type of decision.