I should be above caring, or at least above wishing to see it crash and burn

Still striving for perfection?

You're human, Sis. You're not there yet because you still want to save your family. You're not Done.

Tell me more about the Head of Household option.

I had a meeting with my attorney on Weds., just thinking that we needed to go over the final paperwork regarding the pension/retirement stuff. So we went through all of that and decided which version we preferred, and then he said, "So I need you to sign here."

It came as a shock. I thought there'd be another set of back and forth with the papers. But nope. This was it.

So I took my pen, poised it to sign...and just couldn't. It took me about ten tries, and of course I was beginning to cry...and my attorney was saying soothing things. But I had to do it. I had to sign it. That was the first time I put pen to paper regarding this divorce. WH filed on October 13, 2006. I held out until February 13, 2008. I suppose it will be final today or Monday.

It was okay, really...I had to get back to work and we had a big project we were working on, so I got immersed. Then the boys and I had errands to run in the afternoon to prepare for the trip, and yesterday was another busy day at work, with a great lunch and wonderful wishes from all my friends there. We toasted my birthday, and the 40s as the best decade, and putting the past behind us.

Maybe now is the first chance I've really had to reflect. I know the reality, finality, and deep sadness will hit...probably as we are on the road. Seven hours of highway provides a lot of time for reflection. A lot of time for tears.

Actually, it was probably a good thing it happened the way it did. I knew it was coming, and it's probably better that it came as a surprise. Like ripping off the band-aid: fast and unexpected is better than anticipating it and worrying about it.

And the boys and I have been on our own for such a long time now. We have our life; our routines. The reality and day-to-day won't change.

I had a dream last night that I ran into RT. I told her exactly what I thought of her, and fought the urge to hit her. At another point in the dream, I fought the urge to call MIL and tell her exactly what I thought of her, her husband, her son, their behavior, etc. Even in my dream, BR was talking to me...and I relented.

So here I am this morning...40 years old. My hope and prayer is that the 40s truly are the best decade of my life. I know I am looking forward to being with my sons as they grow to be men...they will be 19 and 22 when I turn 50. It will be tumultuous, I'm sure, but exciting and (hopefully) rewarding. And sad. Darn it!! Can't I be done with the sad?

This moment is really the first that I've felt sad. But the weekend with my sister will be wonderful. B is the oldest of my three sisters, and she and I are most alike personality-wise. Pragmatic, conscientious without being driven, pretty even keel (well, with the exception of my nervous breakdown, which was generally situational--this is my rationalization, anyway). She and I have always been the anti-drama sisters.

When she was here last summer and spent about five days with me, I really turned a corner. She knows how I hurt, and can comfort me and relate to me that way, but then has the knack of knowing when I'm ready to deal with the practical side. So maybe it's a God thing that the timing has worked out the way it has.

Anyway, better go or we will never get out of here.