Hi All,

Well, I'm new to this forum, although I was on GQ2 for several months. STBXW moved out last Saturday, and I'm reeling from it. Very odd to come home at night and have nobody around to talk with. Even when it was bad, there was still a sense of normalcy from time to time.

I'm finding that I am up & down emotionally every day. Part of this is because of my wife's intense desire in other men. Our marriage came apart when she started getting and enjoying attention from other men. I don't think that there was ever a full fledged A involved, but she certainly wore an "available" sign around her neck for months before our separation. This was compounded by her emotional manipulation of me as we had SF right up until the night before she moved out. She gave me the old, "Maybe things wil be better, and we'll have the answers we need" line along with "I just need to sort soem things out and "I think I'm going through an age related thing". Of course, her actions were always contradictory to her words. The week before she moved (which was last" she put a profile up on a dating site and is aggressively pursuing muscle studs that are in some cases 15-20 years her junior. She's an attractive woman, and I'm sure she'll find a taker.

Here's the thing..of course, I still love her. Of course I wish this wasn't on this course, but it is. I know that I would do very well to stop obsessing about what she might doing or who she might be doing. I just can't seem to stop.

Any tips or advice in getting through the initial shock?

Find a good counselor and a separated/divorced support group. There are tons of books to read to help you through, especially in the early stages.

Stay strong.

Thanks. I know it will be bumpy and I have to remain strong. I am missing the physical aspect of the relationship, although after the last 4 months of emotional torture, I can't say that I miss that much. I feel very rejected and lonely at this point. And, she really played the "we'll keep a physical relationship" going with me until the end. The couple times I have seen her since the move, she stays as far away as possible from me.

hg,

Sorry to see you posting here. I can't help but think that continuing to have SF with her enabled her to continue in her wayward mindset. She had her cake and the enjoyment of eating it too. I wouldn't be surprised if SF continues even now. She is using you, IMO.

I really don't think you should abandon your GQII thread just yet. Go back to your thread and keep them posted. You were receiving some excellent advice there.

I hope you are working with an attorney.

Thanks for the response ba. I think that you certainly have a point there. It was difficult for me to stay away from the SF because it was a connection for me, and I thought that it may have given her something to consider. It was a night & day thing with her. SF together in the evening with me, then she would turn back into her crazy old self the next day. I tried my best Plan A right up until the end, and will admit blowing it prior to the actual move simply because I knew that the day was coming, and I was still being lied to and played.

I do think that she will hit a wall at some point as she begins to figure out that being a 51 year old single mom isn't really appealing in the long term to a 33 year old body builder that lives a 100 miles away, no matter how attractive she may think she is.

I feel at a bit of a crossroads in that if she came back tomorrow, I would try to work it out. However, I also feel that I need to start moving myself down the road emotionally so that I can begin to heal, as I certainly have no idea that this will ever work between us again.

The business end of the D was actually favorable to me, which is why I stopped fighting her on it. I felt like I had a choice to either keep pushing her and resisting as some of those on GQ2 were suggesting, or I could give her what she wanted as long as I wasn't hurt by it. She was in such a hurry to get out that she basically left everything on the table financially, and I get a favorable custody arrangement. I could have pushed on custody, but I realized that it would cost a lot for everyone emotionally and financially, and I would have risked coming out on the losing end of that. So...it was better for me to make the arrangement I wanted.

Honest- Sounds like you are on your way. I am just starting out. Good Luck to you.

Welcome.
I think one thing to do is keep busy. I'm a projects type person, so I did a lot of projects. I repainted my house inside room by room.

Also, just realizing that there are nights and days you just need to get through.

In other words, there are some really black times and you may think the world is ending. Just live through them and morning is a lot brighter.

HG:

I followed your thread on GQII until my own M/Recovery went into the crapper, and I may have even posted once or twice to your thread.

Nevertheless, I am in somewhat of the same boat. My wife and I separated on Monday, and some D steps have already been taken as my W has spoken to an atty. I think that I will be moving over to the Divorcing forum from Recovery very shortly.

It sounds as if we are in similar emotional states. I am strangely at peace with the whole separation/divorce thing right now.

Good Luck, my thoughts are with you.

LoBoy

Thanks Lostboy. I am finding it very difficult emotionally, and wish that I could be at peace with it on some level. Part of the problem that I have right now is that I still have access to some personal information, and found a startling discovery yesterday. She basically agreed to meet a man she didn't know for sex...gave him directions to her house. I think if I can stop accessing information, that I will get to a better place. The less I know, the better I am. it's also very upsetting to know that after all of these years, she now turns into some sort of sexual dyanamo willing to take on everyone...except for me. So the rejection of that really kills me.

HG, HUGS.

You just need to cancel your internet access. That way you can't get to the information.

HG:

I am really sorry for your sitch. I know how traumatic it is to think of your wife with another man...let alone know about it (or at least the intention) ahead of time and being powerless to do anything about it.

It is the probably the second hardest thing in the world, behind losing a child...to have the person you value so much not value you in return...or at least value you less than a relative stranger or even worse, to value you less than being alone and ripping apart a family.

I don't really have any advice for your except the same old 'focus on yourself' things and 'Let go...Let God' phrases that I am sure you have heard a thousand times. Too bad I haven't been able to do those things, as I may have been able to save my Marriage.

Keep your chin up...you will get through this, and at some point down the road you will meet someone who will value you too, and this time you will go into the R armed with MB knowledge and you will find happiness.

My thoughts are with you, HG.

LoBoy

Just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and hoping you are getting a little stronger every day, Not a day goes by that I don't get a zinger or two... I realize that I really like being part of a couple - being a single is hard after so many years of marriage.

I've been seperated for 2.5 years. Not sure why this has dragged on so long - but there it is...

Take care you will survive. Your life will again be full and happy.
best,
cecelia

HG,
My sitch is similar yet different as most are. I wonder "where did that come from?" But you know, every day I am beginning to see that it was there all along. I just didn't, couldn't, wouldn't see it. I love the metaphor that I've been climbing a ladder for 18 years only to realize that it's been up against the wrong wall. Hang in there.
jungian

Oops. I realize my post about canceling internet access may have come off as glib. Not meant to be. However, it’s something to consider. If you can’t stop checking up on her, and it only hurts you, you need to protect yourself from yourself.

I wouldn’t compare the booty call type stuff your sBTX is doing with your relationship. They are two entirely different things. What this woman is doing now is destructive, not creative. It is a sign that she’s not healed from something or other. Maybe she’s trying to reclaim her youth, to stave off death with young men. I know this is hard, but while her actions affect you, they have nothing to do with you. That’s probably worse.

I’d like to chime in on value. I wanted so much for my then H to stop the behaviors that were destroying my love for him. He refused. I was radically honest about what was happening to my love for him, and he still refused to change. You wanna hear a funny? He said that one change I had requested “Empty the house and basement of the books (his inventory) that was stacked to high heaven”, he said that request was an “easy fix.” He never did it until I filed for divorce. Even then, the stuff took years to go, and I still have the trash inventory he left behind.

I felt like I wasn’t worth changing for. And to him, I wasn’t. Or he couldn’t. But, then, one day I had an epiphany. My value did not depend on what my H thought of me. My value did not depend on what I thought about me. My value was intrinsic; it was God given when he created me. Embracing this concept made it easier to accept that my husband didn’t respect me, didn’t feel I was worth making an effort, didn’t value me. It also made it easier for me to say “I can’t live like that” and to finally finish up my divorce. It took 3 years.

Hi Honest,

I know how it feels to know your WS is with another person. I made the mistake of driving past his house and seeing her car there very early in the morning. Knowing that she was laying next to him just made me sick.

The secret for me is to distance myself as far as possible. I don't go where I know they will be. I avoid them as much as I can. I even take a different route to my kid's school so I don't have to drive past her house. Then, you focus on YOU. I know it's sooooo hard. What do YOU like to do? What is your favorite music? Where would you like to travel? Do you have any improvements you want to make on yourself or on your property? Any hobbies you gave up for the relationship?

I know how you feel... it hurts like [email]H@#$@#.[/email] I would stay so busy that I would nearly pass out at night. But, the sad times will come. Let them. Don't avoid the emotions because they still exist even if they are buried. Treat yourself like you are a widower. Because, in a way, you are. This is a death and it hurts. You are going to go through the grief. In fact, I used to wonder if it would have been easier to be a widow then a divorcee. The reason is that you aren't rejected when someone dies. You don't have custody issues and you don't have to see your spouse out with someone else. So, IMO, Divorce is worse then death.

Btw,,,,,, a big huge hug for you. ((((((honestguy)))))

Loni

Wow! Thanks for the support guys. It really means the world. Surprisingly, I think that event helped me in some ways. In an odd kind of way, it really put the last months of my marriage in perspective. While I was struggling with the notion that there must be something wrong with me because my WW was finding everyone else but me attractive, this demonstrated that it wasn't me at all. When a woman can be interested in the crap that I witnessed that day without ever seeing, or knowing that person...and then follow through with it, it pointed out that there is somethng very wrong with her. So, I think that her problem is a systemic one, and no amount of work I did to save our marriage was going to work. There's something not right there. Surprisingly enough, the women that I have started to talk with here and there actually have questions for me that do not involve my anatomy. How about that one! And, I don't ask them questions about theirs either. I know that I am nowhere near ready to get involved on any level with anyone, and I am going to slowly move down a path of making some new friends.

I think that the sad aspect of all of this is the fact that she will never see what she is doing as wrong. She will simply treat what she is doing as some sort of "I'm free" type of behavior, until she realizes the emptiness that really exists there, and then realizes that she better latch on to someone quickly.

The blame game is in full force now. She won't tie up the loose ends that we need to get done, and when I try to discuss them with her, I am harrassing her now. She's holding onto a check from my insurance company for a vehicle that I hold title and mortgage on, yet she is deying that she has it. She told me if I called her again about it she would file a restraining order against me. Funny thing is, I've called her twice in the last week, and was nice each time. In fact, she told me that I have done nothing but harrass her for 4 months now...you know, all that stuff about looking at her cell phone and email, questioning her on why she was buying lingerie, not finding it cool that she was pursuing other men under our roof, askign her why she was hiding money...you know, all that kind of harrassment that you give someone that you have been with for 13 years that all of the sudden becomes a completely different person and a chronic liar. I guess I was harrassing her by telling her that I cared for her and hoped that we could figure this out as well. People just hate it when you point out their destructive behavior to them.

Sorry. Do I sound bitter?