Here's a good link About Dr. Harley Sr.

Yes, I understand that you have not (yet) spoken to Dr. Harley himself...but we are using principles that HE developed.

Exposed to her parents tonight. We shall see how that shakes out over the next few days. Once she knows I doubt she will be coming to see me this weekend.

Meanwhile, I intercepted a new message from her to a friend. In reference to my telling her brother she said, "Meanwhile, OM has been AWESOME about it all. He's been patient. He's listened to me...OM wants to marry me. BS wants to stay married to me. One's my husband. One I want to be my husband...".

My God!...I have nothing to say...

imterrified,

I'm sorry that you had to see that. It tears at the heart, doesn't it? But I want to politely remind you of something. That letter is also WS BABBLE -and- the person to whom it is addressed is not a true friend. A true friend would encourage her to do what is hard and brave, admit that she was wrong and do the right thing by working on her M. A true friend would tell her to her face, "What you are doing is wrong, and as long as you choose to do wrong, I continue to encourage you to do what you know is right." A true friend would risk her being mad for a while for her greater good as a woman and a wife. The person she is writing to is an accomplice at best.

Stay the course, my friend. Do not deter! You ARE doing the right thing. The waters may get very rocky here. The fog will break and regather...break and regather. You be a lighthouse and lead her back to the M.

Meanwhile, let me interrupt her WS BABBLE for you:

"Dear person who only sucks up to me rather than doing what is really good for me.

I almost had DH compliant and accommodating, but now he is messing it all up. The LTW (Lower Than a Worm) is not happy that his name is being drug through the mud, and we have been arguing about it, but LTW says he's willing to wait and see if it blows over so we can continue our A. LTW wants to have me on call to ***** whenever he wants--I know that he could not possibly actually commit to me because he is lying, cheating and sneaking now and those are not consistent with commitment. DH wants me to admit I was wrong and do the right thing, but I am stubborn and I WANT to do what I know is wrong...so I'll blame him and make him sound like a monster. I made a vow to him...but I want out of it so I can be with a man who does not know what trust and commitment mean."

See?? Just smoke and B.S. (and I don't mean betrayed spouse).

Your true and faithful friend,



CJ

CJ,

This "friend" is not a true friend, but is actually a friend of the OM with which she talks.

Should I keep all these messages that I am intercepting a secret? I have been saving every one of them to an encrypted folder on my computer for a record, and they seem to give me insight into how things are truly progressing. It also shows me that she is lying to me when we talk.

Update:

Well, it looks as though the question of me confronting her about the messages on MySpace is moot. She asked me straight up today if I had been on her account, and I told her the truth, as I always do, that I had. Interesting how that happened right after I was talking about it. Again, I know she is not on this site. She had to go do a show, so we didn't get into it though.

I read in another post or maybe someone posted it here the difference between secrecy and privacy. She will probably say I invaded her privacy, but in truth i exposed her secrecy, which is a large part of why we are in this situation. Furthermore, as I have read in the MB material there can be no secrecy in a marriage. She is a much better arguer than I am, so I am sure she will find a way to turn it on my at least in her own mind. The truth is on my side though. I know when she can't face the truth, cause she just hangs up on me.

I have a feeling the next few days are going to be a ****** storm.

this is a marathon - not a sprint. Hang in there, and post here as much as you need to.

There are some pretty awesome husbands on this board, you are in good company.

Update:

WS's anger seems to be subsiding after the exposure. I am trying to do everything I can to meet her EMs, although that is hard with her being in another state. She will be here Sunday though, and I am working out what all I should do while she is here.

On another front, the alcoholic OM got drunk the other night and called yelling at her about wanting her to leave me. She told me about it and made silly excuses for why he was drunk like, "...his friend kept giving him drinks, and he doesn't know when to stop". I can see her future if she leaves me for this guy, "He hits me, but I deserve it.". It feels like my life has become some bad lifetime movie or soap opera.

Tired but carrying on...

We told you that she'd get over it.

Plan A does not mean you have to be a doormat. You do not have to put up with her telling you the intimate details of her adultery. You know already that he is a low life scum, you don't need further evidence!

You can calmly and politely either change the subject or end the conversation whenever she starts telling you about OM.

There is no point in discussing him. That she is flaunting this in your face is like twisting the knife she has in your back. You are not going to change her mind about OM by discussing it, so just don't allow the conversation to go there.

Respect yourself, even if she does not respect you.

When she arrives...no relationship talk. Just be upbeat and happy to see her.

Can you go back with her when she leaves?

She arrives Sunday and leaves on Wednesday, but I am going to visit her that Friday night till Sunday. Her tour is in a city close to where I live now, so I will be able to see her every weekend for the next three weeks. Thank God!

I hear what you are saying about talking about the OM. I had it in my head that if I let her talk to me about it that I was meeting her conversation EM. I don't want or need to hear that stuff though.

Meeting her need for conversation is good.

Meeting her need for conversation in a way that does serious disrespect to you is bad.

You are her HUSBAND (not her friend - and they all just want to be "friends"), and this is terribly disrespectful to you and by allowing it, you do 2 things, you condone behavior that is destroying your marriage, AND you allow your love for her to be damaged also - this drains your endurance and ability to survive this crisis.

You have to take care of you right now, she won't.

Is there any good information on the MB site, that you know of, which talks about the role of being a husband vs. just a friend? One of my WS's complaints was that she felt we were "roommates" and not lovers anymore. I will do a search and see what I can find on my own too.

Have you exposed to OM's commanding officer yet?

Oh...and when you do, make sure you include in your exposure to him information about this call where OM talked about "her leaving you for him".

VERY DAMAGING and clearly indicative of adultery. And as I said, this is punishable under UCMJ. Tell his CO ASAP, and request that his CO put a kibash on OM calling or communicating in ANY fashion with your wife.

Seriously, do this TODAY!

I have been having a hard time finding his unit information and his CO. Never having been in the military myself, I am shooting in the dark a bit. I do believe I can get his unit information using a bit of social engineering, but I haven't gone this route yet. I have also thought of hiring a PI to do the leg work for me.

imterrified ~ here is what the Harley's say about conversation;

[color:"blue"]The need for conversation is not met by simply talking to someone. It is met when the conversation is enjoyable for both persons involved. Good conversation is characterized by the following: (1) using it to inform and investigate each other, (2) focusing attention on topics of mutual interest, (3) balancing the conversation so both have an equal opportunity to talk, and (4) giving each other undivided attention while talking to each other.

Conversation fails to meet this need when (1) demands are made, (2) disrespect is shown, (3) one or both become angry, or (4) when it is used to dwell on mistakes of the past or present. Unless conversation is mutually enjoyable, a couple is better off not talking to each other at all. An unpleasant conversation not only fails to meet the emotional need, but it also makes it less likely that there will be an opportunity to meet the need in the future. That's because we tend to prevent our spouse from meeting our needs if earlier attempts were painful to us. [/color]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3315_conv.html

OK...what specific information do you have on OM? DON'T POST IT HERE.

But, if you have his name/rank/base or unit, you should be able to do an online search for that base's "Post Locator". Call them, and ask them for his unit/mailing address. Or even better, do a search for his base's name and the phrase "Inspector General", and call THAT office and inform them of what's going on. That will create a situation that NO ONE will be able to avoid.

Even if you just have his rank, last name, and unit, you can probably do a search for his unit on the internet, and call his CO.

What information do you have on him? Don't post his name and such, but post if you've got his name, rank, phone number, email, whatever...let me know what kinds of information you've got on him, and I might be able to help you get started.

Thank you Bramble. Do you think I should show this to my wife, so it sets some ground rules for when we talk? She says she is willing to work on our marriage, so she will probably be receptive.

We actually had started reading the basics posted on the MB site together before the exposures occurred. She didn't want to talk to me for awhile after that, but now that she has calmed down, we can probably start working on it again.

I have the following information on the OM:

Full Name
Rank
Position (Meaning type of work he does in his unit.)
Address
Telephone

Plan A is not about getting your wife to behave. It's about your behavior. I just want you to see the difference between allowing her to treat you like a doormat, and showing respect for yourself.

You do NOT have to tolerate her calling you to cry about the latest drama with the OM. When she does this, change the subject or respectfully decline to continue the conversation. That is how YOU show respect for YOURSELF, and how you show respect for your wife's HUSBAND! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I would not attempt to educate her (another lovebuster). You could ask her to participate in a phone session with Steve Harley. If you get her to do this, Steve will be able to give you fantastic insight to your wife's state of mind and a good solid plan for how to act.

OK...so do you know if he's in the National Gaurd/Reserve, or active duty? If reserve/NG, then do a search for NG/reserve units in the area. If active duty, find out what the name of the base is there and do the search for the IG as I'd suggested.

Seriously, I'd get this going today. Get the military to order him to cease contact with your wife...because if he violates that order, there are any number of things that they can do to him. When you talk to them, be polite, up front, respectful. If they attempt to blow you off, tell them that you KNOW that infidelity is a direction violations of "the articles of UCMJ". (UCMJ=Uniform Code of Military Justice) Explain to them that you're asking for their assistance in putting an end to this situation.

If they refuse to do anything for you, get their name, rank, and unit. Then ask to talk to their superior. If that person refuses to help you, ask them to provide you with the phone number for the AG/IG office. I HIGHLY doubt that you'll get ignored, however.

The sooner you take this action, the sooner that they should put an end to his conversations with your wife. If your wife continues to remain in contact with him, you can work with his CO's office or IG to take further action against him.

Your wife will be FURIOUS all over again on this...don't let that phase you.