That's exactly my point. Short-term hatred is natural and unavoidable, and biology's way of ensuring we stay at a distance from harm. It arises out of intense fear, would you agree?
without reservation, I agree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
It usually abates quickly, because it's so expensive to our bodies and minds to maintain. It flares up each time the fear is reactivated, and then subsides.
yep, I agree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
and the young woman we are talking about just had her anger reactivated by her "facebook" experience, it's not over, it is ongoing
but I expect her intense emotional reaction to fade, as you've described
Long-term low-level hatred is probably also inevitable after a trauma like marital betrayal.
I donno .... it depends on how big the pile of betrayal is ...
I have no more "hatred" left for either of them ... but it has been a VERY long time, so I am not tooting my own horn here
, just pointing out that I have matured (infidelity-speaking, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )
"In the absense of stressors"
Intense hatred only persists (I'm talking years after betrayal) in the absence of stressors if it's fed and encouraged. The person is working to generate a high level of hatred, probably because there are few other developed coping skills to employ.
.... is key .... and I do agree with you completely.
We were discussing a situation where there was a recent stressor.
I'm not talking about newbies here. Lord knows they feel white-hot hatred and have every reason to come here and scream obscenities and rage and call upon God to visit suppurating sores on the people who've hurt them. I know I did. If they were still doing that every post, six months after d-day - with no sign of a let-up, I'd begin to feel concerned. If every post was filled with venom a year after d-day, I'd have doubts that they were interested in recovery.
got your back on this one
some people come into adultery with few coping skills
especially young adults ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
When it comes to coping with hatred, I personally have a mountain to climb. I have seventeen years of betrayal, more OPs than H can count, thousands of emails saying hateful things about me between H and multiple women, the knowledge that I lived unknowingly next door to an OW for years, that I was exposed and oblivious to OWs at company functions, not to mention the fact that my own DD was pulled into one of the A situations to her own fury. On top of that, I was deceived by my ILs, and have had to endure the rage and rejection of my own parents - they haven't spoken to me in eighteen months. Wherever I look, I have a magnificent hatred opportunity. If I took advantage of them all, you would probably be able to see the explosion from space. So I have had to do an awful, awful lot of hatred management.
THAT is a HUGE mountain.
BTW, Pep, in terms of parent-hating, I was talking to a specific person, about a specific situation, that has been part of this board for a long time.
A young woman with some missing coping skills, understandably