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That's exactly my point. Short-term hatred is natural and unavoidable, and biology's way of ensuring we stay at a distance from harm. It arises out of intense fear, would you agree?

without reservation, I agree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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It usually abates quickly, because it's so expensive to our bodies and minds to maintain. It flares up each time the fear is reactivated, and then subsides.

yep, I agree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
and the young woman we are talking about just had her anger reactivated by her "facebook" experience, it's not over, it is ongoing

but I expect her intense emotional reaction to fade, as you've described

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Long-term low-level hatred is probably also inevitable after a trauma like marital betrayal.

I donno .... it depends on how big the pile of betrayal is ...

I have no more "hatred" left for either of them ... but it has been a VERY long time, so I am not tooting my own horn here , just pointing out that I have matured (infidelity-speaking, of course <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> )

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Intense hatred only persists (I'm talking years after betrayal) in the absence of stressors if it's fed and encouraged. The person is working to generate a high level of hatred, probably because there are few other developed coping skills to employ.

"In the absense of stressors" .... is key .... and I do agree with you completely.

We were discussing a situation where there was a recent stressor.

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I'm not talking about newbies here. Lord knows they feel white-hot hatred and have every reason to come here and scream obscenities and rage and call upon God to visit suppurating sores on the people who've hurt them. I know I did. If they were still doing that every post, six months after d-day - with no sign of a let-up, I'd begin to feel concerned. If every post was filled with venom a year after d-day, I'd have doubts that they were interested in recovery.

got your back on this one
some people come into adultery with few coping skills

especially young adults ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

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When it comes to coping with hatred, I personally have a mountain to climb. I have seventeen years of betrayal, more OPs than H can count, thousands of emails saying hateful things about me between H and multiple women, the knowledge that I lived unknowingly next door to an OW for years, that I was exposed and oblivious to OWs at company functions, not to mention the fact that my own DD was pulled into one of the A situations to her own fury. On top of that, I was deceived by my ILs, and have had to endure the rage and rejection of my own parents - they haven't spoken to me in eighteen months. Wherever I look, I have a magnificent hatred opportunity. If I took advantage of them all, you would probably be able to see the explosion from space. So I have had to do an awful, awful lot of hatred management.

THAT is a HUGE mountain.


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BTW, Pep, in terms of parent-hating, I was talking to a specific person, about a specific situation, that has been part of this board for a long time.

A young woman with some missing coping skills, understandably

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"young woman" <~~~ I am speaking of FightingAlone's daughter

(was this clear the first time, or was I obtuse?)

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No, Pep, I got you.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Poor kid, why would she ever have thought she needed coping skills for a situation like this? You kind of think your parents will fight to protect you from some things, while you're still not old enough to deal with them yourself.

But then, you're always going to need more coping skills than you acquired growing up. I suppose the basic coping skill is...acknowledging you'll have to acquire coping skills as you go through life.

I've been surprised, in the last few years, at how many people refuse to face up to a challenge and grow. (No persons aimed at here, folks!) I wish I knew how to encourage them.

TA-DA (Collect your free Scissor Sister CD here...)


"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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Wow, TA, I was unfamiliar with the details of your story, though I've admired your even-handed approach to advice. What an inspiration you are. Worth the effort to emulate if it were possible!


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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I married him all over again, May 07

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