Mark1952 wrote on Dogfood's thread:

"Just so you know, she will contact you some day when you least expect it. So be ready for that. And you have to know, it will be your xW not the xWW who calls..."

Mark, I've begun to more seriously consider Plan D of late and what that would involve. I was intrigued by this response to Dogfood's post. You obviously felt this a very significant comment to make so how would you recommend he get ready and how should he respond?

BTW, I didn't mean to highjack his thread, I thought that my question was directly relevant.

I agree that your question was relevant but thought it best if we discuss it on your thread, since I'm kind of funny that way. I like things on a particular topic or that have progressed in a certain direction to remain intact rather than branching off and being hard for newbies to follow. It was by reading the threads of those who came before me that I learned the most when I first got here, and frankly, those that took sudden turns lost their meaning and therefore my interest rather quickly.

But back to your question.

I just see in DF's wife and her way of dealing with things a few things that I am sure are more difficult for him to see. One is that she is still trying to save face, not only for herself, but for him as well. She did not say..."Df was a loser and a controlling egomaniac, so I dumped the bum" She said instead..."We moved to Fresno and I couldn't deal with it." Second, She is still pretty clearly fogged out and so the reality of what is happening is not really sinking in yet. Some day that will happen and she is likely to wake up and say OMG! What the he// have I done.

Speaking statistically, over 90% of affairs end on their own within two years. A very small percentage actually ends in the affair partners getting married, but only a small portion of those last 5 years, though some last many years. My point is that some day his wife will find herself with no affair, no prospects and remember DF fondly, partly because of what he did during his early Plan A.

And that is why Dr Harley suggests a short intense Plan A followed by a dark and equally intense Plan B. During Plan B, the goal is only marginally to try to get the affair to end. The assumption is that it will end at some point in time. The real goal of Plan B is to protect the betrayed spouse from being hurt to the point of not having any love left at all for the wayward spouse. It is to save whatever love is left so that when the affair ends, which almost all do eventually, the BS will have enough left to actually want to recover the marriage with the WS.

And because most affairs end within two years, Dr Harley says to wait as long a two years before ending Plan B for Plan D...This assumes of course that you wish to save the marriage.

Two mistakes I see many making while in Plan A are trying to recover the marriage while the affair is still going on and reacting to every venomous word the WS can dream up and spew at them. Then during Plan B continuing to check into what WS is doing. This erodes the love they have left quickly because while not actually seeing the WS during Plan B they are still living with the daily drama and pain that the affair has caused.

As for your situation, I can't say for certain that your wife will ever want to come home, but even if you do divorce her, I would wait a couple of years before hooking up with anyone else.

And trust me, I know it is really easy to say "I know better than that" right now...but 10 months from now you might not be so adamant about it.

Believer's husband called her about reconciliation not long after the divorce was final. He was one no on would ever believe would do that, but he did...But by then, B had moved on with her own life, so he ended up the loser.

As for how to respond when that phone call comes...Each person has to decide that for themselves at the time it happens. Some will gladly take the FWS back. Others will laugh hysterically right in their face. Still others will agonize over the decision, some until it is too late. But the ones who will have the hardest time will be those who decided to stop fighting because they were tired and didn't want to work that hard any more, then found someone else and began a new relationship only to have the WS call out of the blue and cry and beg to get another chance. These are the ones who have to decide to give up their former love and move on, perhaps with their true second choice for life, or break the heart of their new love by returning to their old.

That's why I say Plan A till you are about to hate them, then Plan B for two years and then decide if Plan D is the right choice.


In most cases, Plan A ends too late, Plan B is too short and Plan D becomes the default for those who can't simply wait to see what happens.

If you have decided that you are done...Plan D and move along little dogie...

If you hold out any hope...wait a couple years before you end it for good. You basically have to decide for ourself.

But some day, a wayward spouse will think fondly of the BS and call them "just to see how you are doing." Some say "fine' and hang up scratching their heads. Some cry for days because of what has been lost and still others experience every second of the pain of the affair all over again.

Figuring out where you are so that you are ready on that day is the key to which reaction you will have.

Probably more answer than you wanted, but does that answer your question?

Mark

Mark,

On the contrary, it was just what I was looking for. You not only answered my question but addressed the nub of the issue I'm facing that lurked behind it. Thank you for being so perceptive and taking the time to write such a comprehensive and thoughtful reply.

On a rational level, I fully comprehend the purpose of Plan B (just as you described) and I think I'm doing a better job at it than I did with the beginning of my Plan A. I have no trouble keeping dark and if anyone proffers news on Bonkers, I just politely say that I have no interest and would prefer not to know about what she is up to.

In my experience however, understanding something at an intellectual level doesn't mean it is easy to deal with the emotions when you are living in the middle of it.

The darkness is starting to give me periods of an hour or two when she doesn't intrude upon my thoughts. I wish those periods were longer and more frequent. I'm far less sad about it all now too having insulated myself from the daily drama.

I've noticed however that the sadness is sometimes replaced by anger at the way I've been treated and the continued injustice. I feel that I'm behaving like a sap by just waiting around for her. These feelings make me want to be done with it all.

Despite knowing that it is not the purpose of Plan B, I must also confess to a foolish hope that it might have had some effect on the affair by now. That she may have attempted to contact me or learned that it was beginning to crumble. That compounds the desire to be done with it.

So I find myself oscillating between positions of sticking with the Plan and packing it in. My logical head tells me to stick with the plan but it is often undermined by my emotions.

Part of my thought process has been to consider how I would feel if I gave up early, moved on and was faced with the dilemma you describe of choosing between your wife and a new person. That's what motivated my question.

So I don't know where I am. It depends how I'm feeling at a given moment. I know that's not good because one day I might translate those emotions into actions that I might later regret. On the other hand I sometimes feel that I'm just procrastinating.

Sounds confused eh? Feels it.

Principled,

The thing that will bite you faster than anything else, either in Plan A or Plan B is your own expectations of something happening. When it doesn't you question everything. You doubt the plan itself, question whether or not you are doing it right and even begin to doubt it is worth it. The unmet expectations are the killer of your soul during all of this.

Just like the newbie who is told to expose his wife's affair and that she will be really pi$$ed when he does so and returns a day or so later and panics, "She said she was thinking about working on the marriage and now she never will and it's all because I exposed the affair..." living in the reality is much different than understanding it intellectually. I don't know if I can advise you on how to overcome that, beyond telling you that you must. I think you have to figure that out for yourself at some point.

It's like the guy who used to walk a tight rope over Niagara Falls every summer for the tourists. He did things like carried a small stove onto the rope, stopped in the middle of the river and cooked and ate a full meal before packing up and crossing to the other side. He once pushed a wheelbarrow full of sand across and asked a reporter if he believed he could push a man across. The reporter and many others agreed that he could. And then he asked the reporter to get into the wheelbarrow and let him prove it... The reporter declined. In fact there were no takers that day. They all believed he could do it and had seen him do much more difficult things, but when it came right down to it, they were afraid and didn't want to believe it so much.

And that is what we go through as betrayed spouses. We understand that this stuff works. We read and study and learn all about the dynamics of affairs and the history of an affair and the way affairs play out...But then we are asked to actually put our life on the line and we hesitate, all the while trying to convince ourselves that we are simply being cautious because something must be different with our situation. All that's different is that we have to do it and make those decisions ourselves and we are afraid to make them, because we might be wrong...

We believe it with our head almost as soon as we hear it...

It takes a little longer to get to our heart where we can apply it....

Sadly for some, it never gets there at all...

Mark

Mark,

Thanks once again.

You put it all right into perspective for me.

The sentence "The unmet expectations are the killer of your soul during all of this." hit the nail right on the head. That is exactly what I've been experiencing but unable to realise it for myself.

You are a smart man.

Now where's my bag of sand ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Best wishes,

P

P,

You must get into the wheelbarrow...

Mark

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