sc, you don't have to accept a half story, and should not. Part of earning trust is being honest, and until she does that, you should not trust her. She will have to earn your trust back. There will be no trust as long as she has secrets with the OM to which you are not privy. I would print out this essay and give it to her, with the explanation that in order for you to heal, you need to know the whole story.

But, that is only a START, recovery is impossible as long as they continue to see each other. If you do want to recover, she would have to leave that job.

Joseph's letter: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3153654

Four Rules for recovery:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

SAC,

V sorry to hear about your troubles. I am in the same situation too. WH has not admitted to any sex with OW. ( see my post, given up too soon?). It is very frustrating. He went to the extent of saying he went to prostitutes!!!
Do I accept that?


SBNO

Don't decide to believe her by her words, but better to judge a WS by their ACTIONS. There were so many times I bought into her lies when all her actions were screaming "ONGOING AFFAIR!!".

Melody,

Thanks for your postings. I know exposure is the right thing to do. In this situation, do you have WW send NC first to OM or contact OMH and expose and then have WW send NC to OM? Does the order matter?

Also, wife suggested that she change jobs? She printed out a number of job listings from the internet and started updating her resume.

I was telling her I was not comfortable with her stories about some of her friends from work (who are mostly now married) who were single at the time of the A and she used to go out with them. OM used to go out with them as well. I assume they all had to know something was going on although my wife insists she did not tell them. It is stupid, but I feel resentment towards them as well. Maybe it is just embarrassment that is driving my anger at them. Lets face it, I must have looked like an IDIOT! FOR YEARS!!!!

Anyway, (just venting again) after I mentioned this WW suggested she look for work elsewhere. I appreciated that gesture.


PS - Melody, I saw it was your B-Day the other day. happy B-Day!

YOU should contact the OMW FIRST, on your own without any forewarning. Then, your wife should send a no conact letter to the OM. If you forewarn your W and the OM, he will have a chance to spin the story to his wife and then she will never get the truth. [you will be spun as a "jealous whackjob who believes everyone wants his wife" so when his W does get the story it will have been entirely discredited]


YES! She needs to leave the job. She cannot work there and expect you to recover. You are not the one who looks like an idiot here, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

thanks for the B-day wishes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am going to ask you a terrible question, sc, so please forgive me. I find it odd that your wife remembers, to the very month, the beginning and ending of their "contact." This is a red flag, IMO. Remembering such detail is suspicious and I wonder if there isn't a reason for this, such as the pregnancy of your twins. Have you considered the fact that you may need have some DNA testing done?

Hi SAC,
I have not posted to you before, but have looked at your thread a couple of times. I am sorry you have to be here, but you are getting the best advice from the best people on this site.

I don't want to add to your sadness, but are you saying you recently found female contraceptives in her work bag? Are you certain that these are old contraceptives from years ago? This seems strange to me that she would keep old contraceptives in her work bag from years ago.

There is no question that you need to tell OM's W.
Lake

I don't think he is getting even a portion of the story. I am hoping he can get more details from the OMW.

Hi Lake53,

Thanks for your interest. The contraceptives were found in January 2001. I accused her at that time of having an A and she just lashed out at me for going through her things. She Never admitted to the A.

She only recently acknowledged the A (6-24-2007).

Melody, when I asked her about details regarding dates she initially stated she was not sure. I did not believe that for a minute. She has an incredible memory for things and remembers silly things that happened two years ago on a certain date. I believe that the first time she kissed him would have been a very important and memorable thing to her and she would DEFINITELY remember it. I would be surprised if she didnt really know the exact date and the day of the week

After this she came up with more details. Apparently, he started the job in spring of 2000 (maybe April). She remembered she thought it was August when they first kissed and I was away on a business trip(I looked, I was on a business trip then). The people from her work all went out together and she got a ride with OM. They kissed at the end of the night when he drove her back to her car.

She says that they would go out to lunch and kiss in the car.

Apparently things went great until OMW got pregnant. He wanted to talk about it with WW, but my wife certainly did not want to hear about it.

She did not want to talk about that, and he started spending less time with WW and more with OMW. In May 2002, he switched jobs and buildings in the company. She did not see him that often then. She says it was not physical at this point.

I did just find 2 photos of him at a party at our house in 9-2002. She took the photos ( I know I did not- I suspected he was the one she was having A with).

on 11-2002 we bought a kitten. It was a present from me to her. She tried to pick a kitten with the same name as OM. I said no and she picked another one.

Obviously the timing she gave me for the end of the A is not accurate. Even if the physical part was over, she obviously still had feelings for him.

She also tried to get him to hire her for a position under him at his new job(9-2002 timeframe). He talked with her about it, but never followed through on it. She was not so happy OM did not come up with a job for her.

The twins were born in 9-2003. The possibility has been in the back of my mind since the day she told me she was pregnant that they might not be mine. It has been horrible, loving them and always wondering if I was actually the biological father.

I am getting a DNA kit to do the test.

It has been a long day. EXPOSED to the OMW. It was very hard to do. Very nervous of OMW reaction. OM was home also although I did not see him. OMW asked me to step out front to talk.

Apparently they are in MC due to another inappropriate relationship with another woman at his job. He was fired from the company when it became public as she was his subordinate.

During MC, OMW asked him about relationship with my wife as she has been suspicious. He claimed EA, but no physical relationship.

I let her know there was in fact a physical relationship.

Anyway, OMW did tell me that the OM told her during MC that WW and OM had been getting close, and then one of his friends at work made him aware that my wife "LIKED him". Things progressed from there.

It was obvious to this guy, I assume others at work picked up on it as well.

I have always assumed WW was the one to do the pursuing as she was the more emotionally attached of the two. It is a hard thing to deal with. Even though I sort of knew it, I liked to think that he chased after her and she EVENTUALLY gave in. To hear it was the other way around is a huge kick in the gut.

Sleep is not so easy.

SC, good job on exposure. I know it is not an easy thing to do. It is a heartbreaking mission, I have been there before myself. I applaud you for having the nads to drive over and knock on his door.

Have you considered exposing him to HR so he can't do this again? It amazes me that he has lost a job from this in the past and does it again.

Does your wife know yet? When she does find out, you can expect some major fireworks, but don't let it scare you. It will blow over, i promise you.

After the exposure, when I told WW what I had done we had another talk. This time she finally admitted to having had sex with the OM.

Still have a great deal of anxiety and everything seems to trigger memories of events going on during the affair ( trips, parties, family events etc.....), so it is hard not to think about it all the time. All the things that we did together that she was wishing she were doing with OM. I hope this starts to lessen soon as it is very draining.

Wow. I'm hearing my own thoughts.

Get strong. Don't falter. Exercise. Run. Punch a bag. Do whatever you have to. Show WW who the man really is.

You can do this.

SC, are they still working at the same place?

You are supposed to feel a great deal of grief about the affair. This won't go away quickly, I am sad to say.

Your next steps will be to ask her to end all contact for life with the OM. But she can't do that if they still work together. Will she quit her job?

Once all contact has ended, recovery can begin. The key will be to find out what happened that led to this affair and making the necessary changes so it doesn't happen again.

PIO, did you ask for details? The details I am talking about is like : Did they use our house, hotels, his house, cars?, "did you ever tell him you love him?"

Every couple of days I seem to ask a few more questions of my wife. She is patiently answering them ( although not always probably with complete truth), but I dont know how long can this go on. Hundreds of questions enter my mind a day and I only ask a few, so I am doing ok at filtering I guess.

How long does it take to not want to ask questions?