We have been married for two years now, dated for three before that. We have had some major problems with trust and other things. I am 100% committed to making my marriage work. I read a lot. One of the first things I did was bought a photo album for our pictures. It was something we could do together. Today that photo album is on the bookshelf collecting dust. The second idea was to write in journals. We would take turns writing the days events and it would give us time together and something to look back on. This lasted two months, again I pushed it soon after our 1 year anniversary, she only wrote one more time. I bring it up every now and than but she says things like, we should do that another time.” About six months ago she went on a business trip and each night called me around three in the morning and made comments like, me and my co-worker or going out on a date tonight. When she got back we got in a major fight. I thought about leaving and even told her I was going to. She begged me not to and I said “under one condition. We complete the Anthony Robbins relationship program I read about.” She promised she would complete it. She lasted six days and quite.

Now for today. Recently I came across marriage builders and bought the program. She promised we would commit to completing the program together. Each day I had to remind her about it. Two days in a row she spent our time we were going to watch the tapes, at the neighbors watering their flowers. We actually finished the program and I wanted to write everything we had learned down and make a promise to live by the principles we had learned. Two days later I typed it out, printed it and we both signed it. Well, a couple of days later we signed it after reminding her a couple of times. Part of the promise was to meet each Sunday at 3:30 to plan our day. This was one month ago. She has missed EVERY TIME. Finally, on a Wednesday we sat down and mapped out the week. She promised we would spend the scheduled time together each day and each day something would happen that she could not do it. Now, I understand that work and stuff gets in the way but both of us work at home and just a couple of hours a day at the most. She is always at one of the neighbors during our scheduled time.

Additionally, we had promised to tell each other everything open and honestly. Two days later she lied about an email address and four days latter lied/hid again about communicating with another man. She promised that she was sorry and promised again to delete the account. Today it is still up.

Wow, I know that was a lot to write and read so thanks for hanging in there with me. My question, yes there is a question, what do I do? I want my marriage to work but it’s almost like she doesn’t. I am always trying to work hard at it. Getting babysitters, taking her out, buying programs and reading books. I have always told her things I like and appreciate, and she never does them. She is always pushing me as much as she can. Inappropriate emails with other men, lying about where she has been and hiding pictures and messages.

She promises she only loves me and has never been with another man. It would create so much more trust if she would just show some commitment in the relationship but every time she lets me down. I love my wife and love my daughter. I grew up in a broken home and don’t want that for my child. I just don’t know what to do about my wife. Should I just give up or am I going about it the wrong way. How can I work on my marriage when the other person will not?

After re-reading my post I would like to point out that I am no angel. I have also done things to hurt her and have raised my voice during fights, called her derogatory names, etc. I in now way intended for it to come across like I was perfect.

Hi and Welcome! It's ok, nobody's perfect, no judgement here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But it does sound like you have some issues on your hands. For one, it sounds like your W is having an emotional affair (EA), or at least she is in close proximity of having one. You may find some helpful advice on the General Questions II section on recovering from this problem, those are the go-to veterans for advice and support in circumstances such as these.

Secondly, and this one seemed tougher to me when I just started MB, you can only work on YOU. I know it sounds like you are, but from how your W is acting, it probably feels like you are working on HER instead of YOU, by telling her what to read and what program to follow. More often than not this unwelcome advice feels disrespectful. Stop trying to educate. It is ok to tell her you found something you are trying and appreciate feedback. But that’s it. Her decision to participate and or acknowledge what you are doing needs to come from within, not from pressure from you. This pressure appears to be pushing her away. If you plan on saving this M, you will have to focus on what YOU can do until your W is in a more receptive place, and out of withdrawal. She will change because you changed, because the dynamics of the M changed. You need to read up on lovebusters (LB), and eliminate them completely. If she isn't interested in filling out the questionaires, you fill her side out with your best guesses and act accordingly. The beauty of this program, is that if only one spouse follows it, it can still work. For assistance, The Emotional Needs thread gets more activity than here. You may consider posting there as well.

Lastly, kudos for working on spending recreational time with your W. You found an interesting recreational activity(ies) to do together, but scrapbooking may not be your W's thing. Especially if the M is in troubled times. Why not find what you both are enthusiastic about doing, something that is not so much focused on the M and the past and more so on a simple activity (bowling? riding a bike? a concert?)? I worry that you appear to be controlling too much (I’m not saying you ARE, just you "appear" to be demanding more than she is willing to do, instead of negotiating something she feels comfortable with). From the looks of it, she feels so incapable of dealing with this control that she avoids the house completely to escape it. I doubt that is what you are trying to do, but her perception is worth regarding.

Good luck!

There is not a lot of traffic on this board. You might do well to post on Emotional Needs or on General Questions II on the Infidelity board. If your wife is lying about internet usage and posting to other men, she is at high risk for having, at least, an emotional affair.

Also, you can only change yourself. You can work hard to become a better person. Read up on Plan A.

You can not change your wife. But, you can become a man she would want to be with.

Chiming in to ditto chobbs and cinderella. Also, I definitely get the feeling your wife was not in enthusiastic agreement about the photo albumn or the journal, and probably not either of the marriage recovery programs.

Following POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement) is going to be essential. So, how are you doing meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs? What did the questionnaires show?

Also, I think Openness and Honesty are the last to fall in place. That doesn't give a pass for lying and dishonesty... Just, it takes a lot to make a person feel safe to be open and honest. (As opposed to "truthful." Remember the truth can be used to deceive.) Just one misstep can destroy a person's willingness to be open.

How about your wife pick a marriage counselor? Would she be enthusiastic about that?

Does your wife meet any of your ENs? From your original post, I didn't see anything that indicated she cared for you AT ALL. It doesn't matter that she didn't like to do the activities *you* picked, but does she do something in the marriage?

The calling you at 3am telling you she is dating another man is NOT a good sign. How can you let that rest unresolved?

You have a young child together?

- WG