Hi
My husband works overseas and I have come to visit. He has been here for 7 months and I have missed him dreadfully. I have seen him on 5 occasions and we were married 3 months ago and spent a whole month together. On arriving here I discovered photographs on his phone. He initially said he had a one night sand with a prostitute and this destroyed me. He was protecting his lover. The truth is now out and he has been with this woman for 7 months. He continued to contact her throughout our wedding and after the wedding got even more serious with her. When he finally told me about her, he admitted that he loved her which broke my heart in two. He was visibly upset and said he could not choose. I could see he was genuinely in love with her and it was heartbreaking to watch. I begged him to choose me, cried and wailed, clung to him and behaved in a total desperate way. I cried non-stop, could not slept or eat.She and I got in touch and shared emails etc. She too was angry as he had not told her he was married but she knew I existed as his girlfriend. He had told her he was awaiting my visit and then he was going to end it once he had tied up financial loose ends. He told her if I discovered the deception it would cost him financially and asked her to be patient. A few nights ago he said he had thought about it and wanted to be with me and he would end it with her. He would not call her to tell her this at my request which made me suspicious. I did not know how to feel. She sent me more copies of emails and texts he had been sending throughout the same week he had sat and watched me crumble. On that very night he had decided it was me he wanted to be with he had emailed her that very afternoon asking her if she would consider taking him back and if she did he would fight for her although it would cost him financially. She did not respond immediately. Is this why he decided on me??? 2 days later and he still did not call her or email her to tell him he had made his decision and during this time I continued to be in agonising pain. Through her continued contact I discovered that she had a miscarriage at the start and he had supported her - I was devastated. The more I knew the more I lost hope and the fact that she had given up on him after discovering he had lied and cheated on her left him feeling vulnerable and turning to me. He was gutted that she did not fight for him, but I did. Am I a fool? He has said he wants to work it out with me. I love him with all my heart. I know we did not have the perfect relationship but I did not think for one second he would betray me as we had a good life at home, a house, friends and family and a future. It was obviously not what he thought as he has wrote me a letter. This sounds nasty but he has made a list of all the things that made him feel like it was no longer there between us and in some ways provides an explanation for him betraying me and falling for someone else. He had simply fallen out of love with me and sought passion with someone else.He said he loved me but it was the history we have and it was something different. The fire had gone out I now know.

I take on board the things he has raised in his letter, difficult as they are as they are critical. I want to make this work and I will try to be a better partner but I do not feel that his decision to start a relationship and continue to see this woman throughout the past 7 months including his wedding is a normal reaction to someone being unhappy. Why couldn't he just end it with me before the marriage and in fact the day before we had a heart to heart to see if we both wanted to go ahead as we had not been getting along. He told her he only went along with it because he did not want to let all of our family and his children down.Can you imagine how much this hurts. All the memories I have have been treasuring are now destroyed and stinking of deceit. He came back to her with gusto after the wedding and took her away on a romantic trip to prove it was her he loved. (He did not admit he had been married at that point) It was me who told her last week and he used the excuse above for his reason for going ahead with the marriage.

I am totally confused, tired and afraid of the next few weeks.

lyndam,
I am so sorry for your sitch. He is now saying he wants to work it out w/you? So, while working it out will he remain overseas while you remain at home? If so, that will make recovery of your M extremely difficult.

That being said, I have to be totally honest w/you. My H,who I have been w for 24 years, had an A and even with children & 22 good years it has been very difficult getting over the betrayal. Knowing what I know now, I think that I would run the other way if I were you. He started your M based on lies, deceit, and betrayal. How long did you know him before you married him & what was your R like?

Thanks for replying Jaded 41 - I'm really struggling out here on my own with no friends.

I thought our relationship was fine but then again he never talked to me so now that he has written me this letter listing all the things that he says made him give up hope on us its all making sense. I acknowledge we argued a lot but we were madly in love with each other for the past 6 and a half years.

He married me knowing he was going back to her. I feel such a fool as I don't know what to do.

As I said we have been together for 6 and a half years and he will remain overseas until April 08. I was supposed to fly home yesterday but have remained. He wants me to stay and work it out but only after he did not get the response he wanted from her. Am I being an idiot staying here trying to recapture something that has clearly gone in his mind. I think he has hung on to me as he has no-one now that she has gone. He asked me not to send a photo of our wedding to her as she did not believe me when I said we were married. He really did not want me to send it but I did and this stopped her wanting him anymore. If I hadn't sent it I truly believe he would be with her now. I feel pathetic as I don't want to lose him and won't let go. My confidence is shattered.

He has kept in touch with me throughout the affair as usual sending loving emails and messages to me so i am just in shock as to what faced me when I arrived for this visit. Apparently he planned to test me this week. If we argued he was going to tell me it was over and he would go to her. He said this last week was all about him deciding who he wanted to be with.

Thanks for listening.

You are in a tough situation. I'm so sorry. You are at a crossroads. You're still early in your marriage that it may be best to get out now. But your marriage CAN be saved.

You have to chose if you want to fight, because you will have to fight HARD. Because it seems that your H is someone who may not regard marriage in the same light as you.

Buy His Needs Her needs and Surviving an Affair. Read them.

Also, read the threads in GQ II. Your situation, you'l find, isn't that different. And you'll discover that you aren't alone.

*hugs*

Lyndam,
I'm not sure I would want to save a marriage that has already been tainted with lies & deception. That's just my opinion, because M doesn't get easier with time, kids etc..

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm not in your shoes. Just knowing how hard it is to get over betrayal in a long term R and M, with kids the whole nine yards, I just don't think I could do it if the M were new and their were no children etc...and already all these lies and deception. Betrayal is very hard to swallow, even after the WS wants to work it out.


But if you want to save your M knowing that your H is who he is take some advise. Read everything you can from MB, don't ever let your WH talk you out of following your instincts (like not sending OW pictures of your wedding), no mercy when it comes to the truth about who he is, what he's done etc...EXPOSE EVERYTHING!!!

Then Plan A the HE11 out of him. I don't know if it will work with you not living w/him. Even if he comes out of the fog, it may take him up to 3-6 months of withdrawl, and without you there to meet his EN, it will be even more difficult.

lyndam,

How your H can sleep at night knowing how he has kept you and the OW and you on puppetstrings is appalling, insensitive, selfish, and downright sickening.

He can't choose because he doesn't want to. Not your love, nor the love of the OW will make him. My thinking at this point is that if he lost both you and the OW, then he will be forced to make a choice...but you have to be prepared for the possibility that it will not be you.

You sound like a decent person. Clearly, you nor any person on this forum or on this God's green earth deserves to be treated with such utter disrespect. By leaving him now, you'd be doing yourself such a HUGE favor. Not necessarily to leave him for good...I'd suggest that a complete 180 on your behavior will get hime thinking about what he is about to lose. And if he doesn't come back for it --- tough luck on him.

lyndam, you deserve so much more. I hope you believe that.

All what you are telling me is what 50% of me wants to do. The other 50 is clinging on and frightened. I think I am getting stronger though and getting advice from you guys is definately helping me see the light if you know what I mean.

I sat and talked with him last night and when questions were raised he freaked and said I as torturing myself. I used advice from this website and handled it much better than I have done previously.He admits that if I had not blown the cover on the A he would have continued it until his contract finished here. Its like he has just woke up. Or is this just an act that I am falling for. The OW is scorned and angry and he had not seen that side of her. He had only seen the sweet side and foolishly thought that it would be a bed of roses with her and prickly fights with me. So now he is feeling relieved that he ended it as he believed she was perfect. So does that make me the booby prize? He says he feels ashamed for what he has done and wants to have a chance to make it right. He says he can't believe he has put me through so much pain and is shocked at his own deceitful ways and conduct. But are these the words of all CS's and I am just being sucked in? He says he will see a counsellor as he thinks needs to address why he did this.

He says he can now see it was lust and not love?? He says if it was love why is he already over her? Again I don't know whether this is the truth or another ploy.

Half of me feels he is spinning a good make-up story to me and the other half wants to beleive him. Do I stand up, brush myself down and tell him to go to ****** as I know he wanted her but she turned on him or do I try and work this out.

I don't know about anyone else but I feel like I can't make a decision as my head is clouded with thoughts and feelings. My mood changes by the hour. I try and carry on but then I will think of something and I am filled with anger and I guess jealousy. When I first confronted him and he broke down saying he was in love with her i felt my world crumble around me, I wanted to hurt him and say I had been with another guy or had an affair but I couldn't because I have been true to him for 6 and a half years. So I had nothing to hurt him with and ended up consoling him and holding on to him.Can you believe it, I feel such an idiot my CH tells me he is in a serious relationship and we have just been married and I cling to him and chase him????

Everything I did last week he told her in an email. How upset I was, how much I was begging him to give it a go and so on with the added note that he was saying he would give it a go with me but he did not know why as he still loved her in every sense of the word! Was this an ego trip where he wanted her to do what i did and beg him to not let her go which backfired on him? He was arrogant enough at the time to think so and strung me along for a whole week whilst he continued to pour his heart out to the OW. It was like I was in the wrong, in the way and spoiling it for them !

Without me blowing the cover on the A I would not be sitting in this apartment today. I would be back home either unsuspecting or nursing a broken heart. Should I walk away now and save myself from further pain or give this CS a chance?

All the advice in the 180 degrees post of what you should NOT do is what I have done!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Is my position similar to anyone else out there? Did you cling on to your CS and were you afraid to let go? I am not sure what my mind is doing but it certainly plays tricks on me. I am either tremendously stupid to think that we can move forward now or just in shock and it will hit me and I will pack my bag and go when I wake up and smell the coffee.Or should I stay optimistic? I'm afraid that I am being weak and that in turn will give H wrong message and he will see me a pushover.

Passion Peach do you really think I can do a 180 degree of my behaviour now and it will help me?

Everything he has done with me in one country he has done with her living here. He has had 2 partners, the best of both worlds. She is hurt too, I am angry yes but she is a victim to.He has admitted that walking down the aisle with me he did not want to be there and went ahead with it for the sake of the friends and family who had travelled to be with us. He did not want to marry me but kept up the show. When I go over the things he has told me and then read what he told her in his emails I see a wicked, sick man who has no morals and no respect for the people he hurts. He told HER the truth and me the lies of how he truly felt. I have awoke today hurt and in pain again. Will it never end. I want to die.

lyndam,
I'm still not sure I understand. Can you stay there for the several months that it's going to take for him to withdrawl supposeing he wants to. It sound as if he's really involved and I truely doubt he will be able to follow the NC rule if you are not there.

Don't get me wrong I'm not telling you that IMO you should try & work it out. I don't know if I could with all that you now know. It's going to be a really long road.

Hi Jaded

I can stay here. I read about the withdrawl stage and if I want to make a go at the M I have to stay. Sorry if I confused you the other day but I was going nuts with thoughts and confusing myself. She left few items in the house and he has packed them up and sent them to her. He has not contacted her at all since last thursday and he says he feels nothing for her. She has emailed and text me ranting and raving and I know this is because he has not contacted her.

I guess I just need advice as I am on my own here and you know what its like you make a decision and then beat yourself up because you think you have been weak and I know I am not thinking logically.

I am trying really hard to deal with it and move forward. Do you really think he has got in too deep to just walk away? If you think I am being a fool beleiving him please tell me.

IMHO, due to the short length of marriage and no children, I would call it a good learning experience.

If you want to stay, he needs to quit his job or get transferred to another location. Expose to his mgmt so that they can support the move, if needed. After that, Plan A him and stop being "needy". Install a keylogger in the computer and insist on NC with the OW.

Good luck

Thanks grindnfool. What is a key logger?

Thanks for the advice.

Hey Lyndam..... I don't know a dang thang about them but I saved this information from a Post that Melody Lane did a while back ago just in case I ever need one

"""If you want one that emails the reports to a remote email address, install e-blasters [$99] at spectorsoft.com or actmon at www.actmon.com. E-blaster will invisibly email you all emails along with all chat conversations, keystrokes, etc. Actmon is cheaper [$39] but you won't be able to see emails, other than what he types on his computer.

You can download both on the internet and install on the computer. After you install, run your virus and spyware detectors to make sure it is not picked up. If the program is picked up, then program your AV or spyware to IGNORE it."""