<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Btw, I love carnations 2!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Aloha,
L.

Here is an old post by Starfish for those who are afraid -

Betrayed Spouse! It is the FEAR......
03/29/06 01:21 PM


It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere

Great post Believer, mind if I borrow? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Orchid:I have read HN/HN this week but I will review it again. I borrowed it from the library.

Believer:I ran across that post the other day and I like it but it sure doesn't make the fear go away.

I've been getting my youngest son ready to go to church camp tomorrow, that is why I have been so slow to post today. My WH has called me a couple of times today to talk and he is still telling me he loves me.

I remember reading a posting about reverse babble. Does anybody know where to find it? When I try to do a search 250 results at a time come up, I've went through pages and pages and still haven't located it again.

Thank you Believer and Orchid for the help you have given me thus far.

Go look in my sig line. The link is there,

L.

Thank you Orchid, I can't believe how much time I spent looking for that lonk and it was right under my nose the whole time.

My WH and I saw each other for a couple of hours yesterday. He was coming through town to deliver a load. As soon as he saw me, he pulled me into his arms and gave me a kiss. He told me how much he loves and misses me. I told him the same thing.

I just don't understand. I really, truly believe that he loves me but how can he do what he does and feel that way?

Sounds to me like he is a serial cheater. That is something that HE will need to want to change. And there is really no reason for him to want to change. He thinks he has the best of both worlds - a wife at home, and a honey on the road.

But you can work on yourself - as you know, that is really the only one you can change, and then maybe he will want to change. If he doesn't, at least you will be prepared for a nice life.

What makes you think he is a serial cheater and what makes a serial cheater any different from a one time cheater...I know serial means more than one.

Friends are telling me to just walk away from my WH but my choice is to stay. They say that he violated the marriage vows and is disrespecting me...I already knew that. By staying am I just endorsing his A, giving him free reign to do what he wants to do with no consequences. How can I set boundaries in regards to the A when I am not prepared to walk away yet...or should I? If it is possible, would you please offer some suggestions.

I thought you had said that he cheated BEFORE.

The problem is that you can't do anything to change HIM. I think you know that. You will have to work on changing YOU. But with him being gone and on the road, I think he finds it convenient to have another woman. This isn't just a case of him missing out on emotional needs, and seeking someone else. He wants another woman while he is away.

At some point, you are going to have to tell him it is either the marriage, or other women. Or rather, that your boundary is that you won't be married to someone who has other women. Then he can choose to be faithful and stay married, or get a divorce. You still can't make him change.

I think you need to keep reading here and posting. There is no easy way out of this, but as you get stronger and feeling better, you will make better decisions.

Not sure about serial but sure about the WS cheater part. So did you really end up liking the fact that he stopped, pulled you in his arms and kissed you then left knowing he'd go back to the OW?

See you have to get past his initial action and look at the whole picture. Then decide if you like the euphoria of the moment.

Now are you going to just wait for him t/d stuff which will show you t/b enabling the A or are you willing to move forward.

Did you read what Believer posted about fear?

L.

[quote]I thought you had said that he cheated BEFORE.

(No, he has not cheated before...at least he hasn't that I am aware of.)


At some point, you are going to have to tell him it is either the marriage, or other women. Or rather, that your boundary is that you won't be married to someone who has other women. Then he can choose to be faithful and stay married, or get a divorce. You still can't make him change.

(Don't both ways if saying boil down to ultimatums instead of boundaries?)

So did you really end up liking the fact that he stopped, pulled you in his arms and kissed you then left knowing he'd go back to the OW?

(Did I like knowing that he will be seeing her again? NO!! Did I like feeling his arms around me? YES I did)

Now are you going to just wait for him t/d stuff which will show you t/b enabling the A or are you willing to move forward.

(What do you mean?)

Did you read what Believer posted about fear?

(I have read Believer's posting on fear several times. But I am still afraid. I've heard something said before that bravery is just going forth even though you are afraid. I'm still unsure of myself and I don't want to issue an ultimatum until I know that I am prepared to back it up. It is my understanding that in Plan A you don't issue ultimatums...you don't even talk about R issues. I keep thinking that with the A being so new...that it would be better to try and nip it in the bud so to speak than to wait though. I just don't know what to do.)

(FYI: My finances are in order and protected. The children that I have at home are a product of mine and my deceased husband)

Diana

Thanks for reading and responding. Now we can have a starting point on helping you.

Please read Love must be Tough by Dobson. It may help.

L.

I will get this book and SAA asap. I have been so miserable today...I just can't gat the betrayal out of my mind. I know this may sound ridiculous but I am angrier at my former friend for setting this up than at anybody else. I know that she didn't make my WH do this, he was the one who chose this path...but I hate her for what she did.

I feel so humiliated and disrespected by all of them. I just don't understand why any of them did what they did.

During the times today that I have been filled with anger, I have wanted to call him and force a choice. But then the anger is quickly replaced with What if he chooses her over me? Would I be able to handle it? Would I want to?

Is it really better to wait and PLan A?

Hang in there and do a Plan A. And your "friend" isn't really a friend. I wouldn't have any contact.

Have you read the stuff here on the home page about how affairs start and how they should end?

I hadn't read it but I have now. I will probably have to read it several times before it kicks in though. I am having trouble concentrating on what I am reading and absorbing it.

I am currently on an AD but it is my understanding that it might take a week or more before the effects are noticed.

Keep reading and letting it sink in. There is a lot of very helpful stuff here.

Glad you are on ADs - they do take some time, but work very well. When I took them, I woke up on the 22nd day and felt much, much better.