Neak,
I am doing better today. It is a tough road but I am trying hard to put my trust and faith in Christ. I had a pretty good day. This a.m. I was a bit sad so I prayed and things progressively got better. Tonight I had a great conversation with a church member with a marital recovery story and then great Bible study with my kids and of course prayer. I am trying to address my issues and things I need to correct and things I need to let God handle. I know this is not going to be all easy but I am sure by the grace of God, all will be ok
TTYL and thanks for asking

I leaving in a few minutes - is there someone who could please look up the articles on how to fall in love with your spouse again? Thanks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, thank you Neak. I need to read about that.

OK.....just dying to know the answer here....if the wife in this tragic situation above does NOT enthusiastically agree to partake in a relationship with the 13 year old BIOLOGICAL child (who thak heavens wasnot born out of an affair <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)...what should the original poster do? Ignore the child right? I am dying to know what the experts think on this one.

Other child...but not really....should the wife set up a faux separation to get legal and financial loopholes going???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LM,MD

Lem... as I noted above, I think if his wife does not accept his child then she needs to go. That relationship, IMO, is more important than his M. If he does not have a relationship with his child he is showing his wife that she can bully him into doing anything...including turning his back on his own son.

Does that answer your question?

I don't know if I mentioned it before but my wife had a two year old when we met. This beautiful little girl is now 14 and I adopted her 7 years ago.
My wife has no intention of accepting my 13 year old son. It is a little difficult because of his behavior but there is no reason or excuse why we could not work together and figure out how to best be a part of this boys life. We have the chance to show this child what a true family is all about. He has never had that.

That is exactly my point...there is no reason for your wife to not accept him.
Let's take a look at this woman...
She most likely is having an affair AND she wants YOU to give up your son. Now there's a real catch of a woman if I ever saw one!
Let her know that you are going to have a family relationship with your child. She can choose to participate or she can choose to hit the road...there really is no other way for that to go.
Man up to your wife and show your son what it is like to be a man.

Good luck.

MEDC

There ya go....You adopted and love her daughter, raised her as your own, but WW wants nothing and wants you to have nothing to do with your son who is your own flesh and blood. Sounds selfish beyond belief and looking to what's in it for me.

You do know that you can file for custody of the little girl as well and most likely since you have raised her and adopted her get a a minimum legal visitation through something the courts call in locos parentis.

What have you done to break up your WW's fantasy? ( i.e. - exposure, Plan A, etc). You need to decide what your boundaries are in regards to your WW's treatment of your son (I know what mine would be).

I have been trying to sort out what to do. Our so called separation is only a few weeks old. She leaves when I come home from work( I keep the kids) then she returns in the morning to watch the kids while I go to work. On the weekends, I have for the most part had the kids. This past weekend, we met in a town a 1/2 hour away. We all had lunch and went to the movie. We then all came back to our house where she made dinner but then left for the night shortly after.
I honestly don't know what to do except try to allow God to make changes in me so that I can be the person and husband He wants me to be. I know her heart and mind are between her and God. I know I must try to be a dad to this other boy.( he lives 2500 miles away)
I want my marriage to work out but there needs to be some major changes from both of us.
I have been around Godly women through church and stuff. A woman that is trying hard to live for God is very beautiful. And I am sure a woman would feel that way of a Godly man as well.
I have not done anything as far as legal papers or changing the bank accounts yet. Part of me still feels like this will work out and we will be a family again.

I am hoping someone can give me advice today. I am having such a hard time even wanting to work out my marriage. I have been treated so badly. I am constantly told that it is my fault, we are divorcing, we are done, there is no chance, etc. I am threatened with court orders etc. I don't know if I should seek counsil or file or just continue in prayer and hope God can work things out for us. I have seen so much of what I feel is truth about her and our relationship that I don't ever want what we had. If you read above you will see that I have pointed out some of my faults so I am not blaming everything on her.
I guess what I am saying is that I don't really like who she is. We have never been friends. We have different thoughts of right and wrong. We have a very different logic system in our brains. We have very different biblical beliefs as to what God would want.
I guess I am just venting a bit but I do want some advice.
My kids are getting to the point that they don't want to go with her. I don't really know why except I believe she may not give them much attention. I think she is preoccupied with other people. I DON'T KNOW FOR SURE.
This whole thing just makes me sad but my love for her is just dying.
Tahnks

Peg,

Why are you allowing her this freedom? What are you giving her to miss and what are the children seeing that upsets them?

You've got a lot of answers to find. When you find them, then you will know what direction to take.

Being the brunt her of anger is wrong. Next time she slings it at you, give it back. I call the technique 'reverse babble'. Read up on it in my sig line.

Do you have a good MC?

L.

File and try your hardest to get custody of your children. Also, esatablish and maintain a relationship with your son.
Frankly, your wife seems like she is not worth the effort.

I am sorry for your pain.

MEDC

Peg,
It sounds like you are in the early stages of your nitemare.
If there was anything I think I may have done wrong in my nitemare, it would have been to expose her sooner.
Look at my post:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

It may or not be helpful.

Also:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=3#Post2921026

Plan A is not purposeless masochism.

Plan A is you stretching and growing and changing, becoming the kind of man you need and want to be for the rest of your life, and doing it under difficult conditions.

It is about you seeing what needs to be changed in yourself, changing it, and being the kind of man that a good woman would be attracted to. (Not to say that you must be bad now, but no matter how good you are you can always be better.)

Some woman will benefit. Ideally it would be your wife, restored and wonderful, but if she refused, eventually there would be another.

No matter what, you benefit.

As I continue on with this struggle in my life, I have reeped so many blessing since the day she gave me stitches in my leg. That day was a bit of a wake up call for me to improve my relationship with God. Since then I have been diligently trying to get closer to God through prayer, study , and worship. My children are even closer to god now as we do Bible study almost every night. I think we've only missed two nights in the last month or so. I have also been to church every week since and my prayer time and the quality of that time has greatly increased.
I have had so much more quality time with my children. Seen so many blessings in mine and thier lives.
But there is also some negatives. Twice this week my son has had a fit because she leaves. The other day she tried to play the guilt trip on me saying that she doesn't see the kids on the weekend because I wont leave the house for her to stay here. I replied that I have offered to sleep on the couch and she wont stay with me here. She says she is too angry at me. But when the weekend came, she took two of the kids to church and then dropped them off at a birthday party. Then picked them up and my other daughter and let the oldest stay at her friends (who has an alcholic mom) and made the younger two sleep with her in a camping trailor. This really upset me. Then to top it off, she brought the kids home at 8:00am and left to spend the day in San Francisco with her friends. She did not even come home from S.F. She has left every single night for more than a month except the night I slept in the car.
I reeped another reward here because my kids and I spent the day at the lake near our home and another friend came and brought his boat.
More later, but please write
Thanks

I suspect an affair. She is leaving the kids too much. If it was just anger with YOU, she would be nasty to you, but not do so much disappearing. You need to figure out who the other party is.

It is usually someone from work - forget if she works, or someone from a sport activity, a neighbor or friend, or an old flame. Has she mentioned anyone like that in passing?

She has a very nasty streak towards me. Very degrading and rude. Her dressing habits have changed. More revealing. She is always at her best friends house.ALWAYS. She had an old flame thing 7 years ago. We survived that or so I thought. She is a stay at home mom. I do know she loves myspace and the internet etc. She did find some "old male friends" on the computer. That is all I know.
Again I have no hard evidence.

Do you have access to her MySpace?

If she is always at her friend's, chances are good that her friend is enabling an affair. It could be a friend of the friend, or brother, or an old flame for that matter. You need to do some serious snooping.

You might try a recorder in her car.

Check out how you can record her history. She likes to use the computer, it w/b best if you find out if she has secret e-mail addresses and uses phone cards to communicate.

It won't be long before you find out. Her own actions are giving her away.

Don't comment about her changes. Let her think you are ignorant. She may then slip up and then you will have your proof. Just don't expect to keep getting proof. You will have to know when to stop getting proof.

L.

Hi all,
I have tried to check the history and stuff but she knows more about computers than I do. She knows how to delete the history I guess. Plus with her always at her friends I know she uses the computer over there. Sometimes I can tell when she is on line because of the icons.
I have been watching the finances very close. But she does have her own private credit cards. Those have just been added in the last 6 months or so as she has started a "buisness" with her best friend. I have never seen a bill or statement from these cards. I do know they have had one weekend working because the friends husband and I helped them set up/take down thier booth. I have seen NO income from this though.
I have been making comments for a while. I have been having a problem for around a year. The last few months were the worst though as things progressivly worsened.
My kids are realy starting to show some signs of sadness and such. They want thier mom to stay here and she refuses unless I leave the house for the night. I have NEVER raised a hand to her or give her ay reason to fear me. She is afraid of herself and her anger. She has stated that if she gets mad and throws something again she will go to jail. This past weekend she took the kids with her and they all slept over at her friends. In a CAMPING TRAILER. That does not make me happy but I can not leave my house. I slept in the car once and can't do that again.
This is just a really bad situation.
God bless to all but it is bed time.