PL,

I sent you Jim's contact info a couple of days ago. Call him.
He can help you. He like the other BSH's understand what u r going through.

take care,
L.

Pegleg-

So now that you've found the phone numbers, you know the truth...she HAS been cheating on you. This IS an affair(s).

You need to get your ducks in a row. You really should consult an attorney to see what you can do to protect yourself and you family from your WW right now.

You also need to get some serious MC counseling to help guide you on trying to recover your marriage.

Have you read up on plan A, plan B here? Looking through the last few pages of your thread, I don't see a solid plan in place. That's going to be one of the first things you need to work out with a marriage counselor.

I'm sorry you're here...I know how tough it is.

Peg,

Owl is right

1. Get an atty, secure your finances, protect yourself and your kids!

2. Call into DR Harley show you will likly get a book out of it too, but mainly he can jump start your plan, I know I called him 3x and he helped me and frankly he was dead on the money. (looking back with the benifit of hind sight)

3 Find a Good IC/MC they can help a lot as I said MB does counsoling too... would depend on your finaices, ins etc.

4. this is a long hard ride so build a soild support network, friends family near and far pull them in and lean on them when needed, you will need lots of venting, talking, etc.

5. Strongly condiser speaking with your Doc about Anti-depressants and if you have lots of anxiety, anti-anxity meds, you don't have to hurt, don't "tough it out" The meds are not a cure, but they will stabilze your mood swings/anxiety and take the edge off it. Do it for you and your kids.

6. make a battle plan make no mistake your at war for you marraige...

7. Know you will recover, with a marraige intact or a personl recovery, this isn't the end of the world, you may feel likek it is but it to shall pass. It is a long row to hoe, but you can do it.


Like I said to you yesterday and many here may disagree, never ask a question you not prepaired to handle or can't handle the answer too. and trust me it hurts more then you think it will. When I caught W#2 with him tween her legs it put me in a tailsping that took a few years to come out of (also why this time through it is somewhat easier)

Lastly be good to yourself, take care of yourself, we all make mistakes, but there is never an acceptable excuse for an affair. if the M was over she should have "D" you then went forward.

Trust your gut...

Jim

Here if you need me 24/7

PL,

Owl and Jim are giving you good support. Give heed to their suggestions. The very fact that Jim has been talking with you should also help. He has been through this and he had a very strong MBer out west who kept Jim on course. It wasn't me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> So we can all help each other. Pay attention to what they are telling you, take the stuff you can use and see how much it will help you deal with all this mucky muck.

It does get better. Not the WS way.... your way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,

L.

Pegleg, I'm late into this conversation, but welcome, and I'm sorry you find yourself here.

You've received some very sound advice here thusfar, but what I'm "reading" (at least initially) is that you are waiting for things to happen on their own, and you aren't being proactive. If you want to fight for your marriage, you *need* to be proactive.

You've mentioned several times that you are praying for guidance and for God to show you His will. I do the same. I've also learned that God helps those who help themselves. Somehow God brought you to this site - and in doing so He has given you powerful tools to use in this very important fight. Please don't sit by and ignore the help God has sent you, waiting for something else. Help is here - you just need to take it.

I'd bet money that your wife is involved in an affair or affairs (plural). Everything that you have reported her to have said is straight out of the WS handbook.

I even think her strong reaction to your "new" child is just a buffer to throw the blame on you, so she does not have to be accountable for herself. She's really looking at the sliver in your eye, while ignoring the log in hers, in my opinion if you embraced her child and adopted her and raised her - and now she's rejecting your child. Yes I'm sure it's a shock to all of you - but given that you have similar circumstances - both with a child from before marriage - it would behove her to follow that Golden Rule herself.

Unfortunately in her fogged state, hoping for that is the least of your worries.

Please - do what has been suggested here. Hire a PI or otherwise undertake to discover what she is *really* doing.

Do not abandon your home, or your kids. Seek legal counsel and protect your kids and your home. File for custody - do whatever it takes to protect your kids.

Protect your finances. Giving her access to a car, gas money, anything that's in your name, is enabling her. You mentioned the phone is yours (ie you pay for it) - go online and see who she's calling - you can view your billing detail online even if your paper bill is "simple" (no call details) - see who she's calling, how long she's talking... then have the phone turned OFF. If you pay for the phone, you are enabling what you know she's doing. YOU can make that stop. Sure - she can use her own money (if she has some) or whatever to buy calling cards or a disposable phone - but don't let her do it on your dime.

EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. Tell anyone and everyone what she's doing. This is SO important. The affair thrives in secrecy and around those who condone and enable it, but if she and her partner(s) are exposed to good and decent folk, shame will help extinguish it.

You are not to blame for this. You've admitted there are things you could have worked on in the marriage - and you can still do that - but she chose to have an affair instead of working on her own part.

You can't force her to change or work on the marriage. You can only work on YOU. You've identified some of your issues - start working on them NOW and start Plan A. If you haven't read about it - do so now. Work on your stuff, protect your interests and your kids' interests. Stop enabling her - don't go along with her junk - do what is right.

And yes, she's going to be mad as all heck. So what? Her being angry is not more important than your pain, your marriage, your family. Stop giving all your power away to her. You can't force her to do this or that, but you can *prevent* things that she's using you to be able to do.

Mad probably won't even begin to describe it if you get your act together and put your plan in motion. In fact, best to put on a helmet and fasten your seat belt because it's going to be a VERY bumpy ride. I can tell you from everything I've been through - and everything I've seen here - this is the BEST way to deal with things. I wish I'd stuck with this site when I first found it but my own choices weren't good ones and I'm working now to repair things and it's a lot harder after the divorce is done.

You have a huge advantage - you are still married. Fight for that.

In loving support
JinGA

Hi all I am back for more advice. I am living in a fear based world of saddness and dispair. My wife just continues in her actions.
Here is my dilema, I live in California and also in a county that is notorious for giving the woman everything she wants and more. She has threatened me with this. But says she wants to work together and she is willing to take less if we could just do this together. That she needs to do this together. NEEDS!!!
My fear is losing my children, money , house etc.
So should I:
1. change the bank accounts severely limiting her money? She has no job.
2.Cancel the cell phone/ She would just get her own and I would have less access to her bill and contacting her.
3.File for separation to protect myself?
4.Do I really need to find physical proof?
I have been very passive. I am trying to get through the fog. It is difficult and the sad thing is my children and what this is doing to them. There is nothing I can do to protect them. To shield them from what there mom is doing.
I am so distracted I can not think of what to say right now. I had a nice long post and my internet went down and I lost it all.
I know these things could send her over the edge and she could retain a lawyer and just turn into more of an evil*****. I fear what pain she could cause the children and e to be honest.
Thanks to all

Dude...go back and re-read your own thread. What consistent advice do you see here?

You HAVE the proof you needed. You've been given our suggestions and recommendations.

Yes, you cut her off. You do not fund her affair world.

No, you do not assist her in anyway with the seperation/divorce. She wants you to give her the easy way out. If you don't help her, that gives more time for things to fall apart on her end...and eventually can help her see "reality" for the first time.

Quit being so passive. That's been the main advice you've been getting all along, isn't it?

Start WORKING a plan to recover your marriage.

PL,

U want the send the WS 'over the edge'. This will get rid of the WS and bring back your W. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

The WS is toxic to your family. STAY AWAY.
The WS will try to get you to do all her WS dirty work. NO GO!

Expect the WS t/d and say hateful things. BE PREPARED!

SECURE your finances from the WS. YES OPEN A PROTECTED ACCOUNT.

DOCUMENT the WS' threats. CONTACT POLICE and REPORT IT. KEEP A JOURNAL.

SECURE your children's custody. DOCUMENT her threats and actions.

While you may live in a county where the mother's get the majority of the custody, don't assume yours w/b the same IF you document correctly. Have a back up plan in case.

I will ask RH to help you. He lives in CA and got full custody of his daughters.

Read those books I recommended and call Jennifer so she can setup a plan 4 u 1st.

L.

peg

Ok 2x4 comming round..

Peg Cowboy up!

Get a darn good atty, protect yourself your kids and your assets.

Being a door-mat isn't going to win her back.

Quit being afraid, stand up be a man let her understand you will NOT accept under any circumstances this crap it is un acceptable period. she want a fight give her one. you need to be prepaired to go ALL IN. Right now she is calling you on a bluff... so raise the anti. show her you not afraid

ok 1 mot\re thing you may loose I did but I still won.
The crap stoped i have my self respect back, look great, and frankly it is 100times batter then the madness.

what can i say that hasn't been said... Cowboy UP

Jim

Oh i had my share of kicks in the seat By dog, believer as well as orchid... nothing personal, trying to point you in the right direction...

Hi all,
I am still a bit unsure what to do. We talked last night about her staying at home but us sleeping in different rooms.
From th investigating I have done, I believe she is having, at minimum, an EA. I have spoke to an atty and was advised to cooperate with her because she, being a sahm, could get all she wants. Including my kids. The money bothers me but the kids are what is important.
I would love for my marriage to work out. But it is truely going to take some major changes on both our parts.
She has her own private credit cards. I believe she told me the limit was around 10,000 or 20,000 but there is hardly anything on them. This scares me.
The only protection I have from this is to file for legal separation.
Yesterday when she left the house for the evening, my son was crying and begging for her to stay or for him to go with her. She left the driveway with him in in crying. This is breaking my heart and causing my to disconnect from her. I can not believe how cold her heart must be. I can not fathom leaving my child screaming for anything.
When I speak to the elders of my church, they say it is best to let her run her course and not fight her. To work with her and let her go. That she is her own person and I can not control her. Like she is being like the prodigal son etc...
I have all the information to see atherapist for my and my kids. She will not go. But my insurance does cover some.
More later
bye

I've got no further advice for you. I've given it to you over and over.

You know that she's in an EA.

Have you done plan A? Exposed? Worked on identifying and meeting what EN's you can?

PL

I agree with Owl,,

I think you have heard thh same advise or nearly so from a mulitude of MB's here and most are or have been BS them selves. Maybe it is just me but it seems there is pretty much a consenious of what you need to do, you just choose not to, I don't know how to help you if you don't want to do what needs to be done.

I do feel for you. I really don't know what to say that hasn't been said. If you think I am hard, let me tell you Dog my former intermeadary and one of my main support persons threated on more then on occasion to hang up and stop if I didn't knock it off and pull my head from my rear (my words not his) It was real hard at the time yes but was needed and I am thankful for every mb 2x4 he swatted me with. You need to remember we know what your going through, how much it hurts. how scary it can be. We have been there too, and know it all to well. We to a person are pulling for you and are trying to help you not hurt you.

Jim