well, since gekko and i are on a reprieve i have decided to go back to the therapist i was seeing when my marriage was breaking up. i figured now is as good a time as any to continue working on myself and have her help me to let go of any residual crap from my marriage i.e. some of the anger i still have at ex, meaning, how can i handle myself better when he and i have exchanges. My first appointment is this Monday at 1:00.

when my children were in counselig their counselor gave me a book and workbook to use called "rebuilding when your relationship ends". she said it would help me tremendously in my dealings with my ex. well... i read some of it but never finished it and never did the workbook. i thought maybe i would dust it off and actually take the counselors advice and utilize it in my dealings with my ex.

it is strange. we have been apart for 2 years now, and really for the 3 years prior to that since we slept in separate rooms and lived separate lives. so, basically 5 years. i feel i am over the affairs, i don't care what my ex does, i can even handle seeing him and ow together and it really does not phase me at all. what i am having a hard time dealing with is HIS reluctance to let go of anger and his need to still try and control situations and me. i have a pretty good handle on dealing with him when he gets this way, but still, i think i would like to just get passed all of it ya know?

so, i plan to take this time to work on that and on me.
there are a few residuals i carry over from my marriage that i would like to address as well.

i also continue to get more and more involved in my church and the bible and god. what a wonderful sanctuary that is! i have a wonderful church family, and i enjoy them so much. and i have been so blessed to see god working in my life in so many ways these past 2 years. and as i open myself up more and more to him he reveals so many more things to me. in fact, i am going to buy a new bible study book tomorrow as i am enjoying learning as much as i can. i want my life to be this way for me and my children and for whatever family may be in our lives.

so, as much as i cannot see the big picture, right now i am taking this reprieve as maybe not such a bad thing as i was in the very beginning. don't get me wrong, i am sure hoping it is not forever, i know where my heart and love are. BUT, since it is to be for now and needs to be for now, i am going to use it for positive, for personal growth and a way to continue to get closer to god and be the best mommy and partner i can be.

hope everyone is well this evening.
the skies are flirting with having a major thunderstorm here.

i start my new job on friday and it will be fun :-)
and my college classes are going well so far. lots of work, but well worth the effort.

happy monday everyone.
mlhb

mlhb;

I think that is such a healthy approach!
Make the most of your time!

thank you lexxy, i think so too.

you know, gekko helped me to grow a lot in my faith. and i have seen such wonderful growth in him this past year or so. i know i want a partner i can pray with and read the bible with and grow with. I pray that during this reprieve he will continue to seek and grow spritually as well and i do believe he is doing that.

i had a wonderful women's bible study today. i am totally the youngest one there LOL but they love me so much. and care. and we just prayed and prayed today. i have a peace lexxy, everything is going to be all right all the way around, and it will all come to fuition in GOD"S timing NOT mine.

i have also been trying to adapt a raw food vegan lifestyle.
i was doing really well too until gekko left. alas, i am an emotional eater. and altho i haven't really gained back any of the weight (i lost 11 pounds doing raw) i did return to old comfort foods for a bit. but, my research has increased as i am doing a paper for college on the subject and plan to start a 30 day, YES 30 day juice fast starting tomorrow. it is for cleansing and detoxification and i think will help clear my mind and my heart of any emotional gunk. after that you follow up with raw food eating again. mostly fruits and vegetable and some nuts and whole grains. i really love how i feel when i eat that way.

so that is that for now!

hugs
mlhb

Do you have one of those juicers you see on TV? They put a slice of cantelope in the juicer, along with the rind. I always think how dirty the rind would be.

Good luck with that. I know I have alot of work to do on myself too.

I happened to catch one episode of Wife Swap where a woman was such a Raw Food Vegan that she took the stove out of their house - without ever discussing it with her husband. He didn't seem to talk much. She also had this belief that a person could survive just be getting enough sunlight, ie. no food, just sun.
She traded places with a Kentucky mom whose husband and boys all hunted for food. And she had to cook the meat for them.
One of the strangest things I've ever seen. So know, I have this picture of you in my head of this crazy woman laying in the sun, eating only nuts and fruit. (JK)

no, i am not that extreme LOL, i'd probably be real skinny though.

i do not have a juicer. i just use 100% juices, i do not make my own YET... once i am more set in my new job and such and finances are back in order i will consider the investment. i make smoothies with fresh fruits and juices and just a smidgen of fat free yogurt. that smidgen is the only dairy i have. i was never a big meat eater anyway so i don't miss that. i made veggie sandwiches on whole 100% wheat rolls or bread. eat salads. eat fruits. don't do a lot of nuts because they are high in fat and it is hard just to eat a little bitty handful... whole grain crackers, etc...

i am on a raw food message board and those people actually have dehydrators and make their own crackers and such. i have not made that investment yet either, maybe this fall or winter.

i am looking forward to my appointment on monday. i am doing for the most part ok-pretty good. but i have been taking naps in the afternoons and i know it is because sleep is a welcome reprieve from feeling so many emotions all day long. i am trusting god and trusting gekko and knowing he needs this space and time. but i sure do miss him... A LOT. at some point in time, when all is done with what he is dealing with, i sure hope we get the chance for a face to face to just really talk. somewhere, alone, VERY ALONE. my new job starts friday and i will be busy so that will help keep the old mind occupied.

anyway, enuff of all that. i have a garage to clean up since my church is using it again this year to store our float for the parade. and a house to vacuum... geez, what i am doing sitting here! i know why.. i just woke up from one of my naps and i checked the boards.

mlhb

OK, now I'm jealous. Napping midday on a weekday. What a pleasure. Enjoy!

well, i wish i could say it is a joy, but i am doing it for the wrong reasons so really... it is not. it is just an escape for me right now.

i am looking forward to friday and full work days again to keep busy.

but nice thought newly :-)

mlhb

Eh, don't beat yourself up too much about it. You're grieving, it's all fresh. I remember going into "hibernation mode" after dday and when bf and I broke up for 4 months....I'd lay around my pj's all day the weekends DD was w/ her dad, blinds drawn, watching my Sex and the City dvd's, only getting up to go potty and eat. It's how I grieve and I make/made no apologies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

Therapy helped tremendously too.

Hang in there

hugs

i'm actually doing pretty good i think. i am very excited about my new job tomorrow doing manicures and pedicures and pariffin wax treatments and in the fall i'll be doing acrylic nails and makeovers and hopefully facials. so it will be a fun way to earn money while i work on my degree. i am a girly girl plus i LOVE working with the public, chatting and talking, etc.. so i know it will be fun.

i went shopping yesterday to get all the stuff i need for my job and that was tons of fun. plus, i got my hair done and i am going to do my own manicure and pedicure tonight before i start my job tomorrow.

my mindset has definitely changed as i use this reprieve for the positive. i'll have a busy weekend than our vbs starts next week. and i may plan to sing in church the following sunday as i am due to. i couldn't find a bible study book yesterday in my travels so i am going to see if i can borrow one from someone at church.

i am not saying i don't miss him, because i sure do! and i have my moments, especially at night when all is quiet. however, i am sure he would like an upbeat positive person over one who is sitting around brooding and depressed, don't you agree? i am human and i guess i am just doing the best i can given the circumstances as we all would. but as i said before, i must use this time for positive, not negative. i am trusting all is going to work out in the end exactly the way it is supposed to and i am not, by nature, a negative person anyway. i don't plan to start being one now. i am trusting god and god would not want me sitting around crying all the time and being down because than i would not be trusting him now would i? god has not let me down yet, he always takes care of all of my needs, and i don't expect this time in my life to be any different.

my juice/smoothie/fr and veggie fast starts today, 30 days.
be thinking of me! LOL i got all the stuff i needed for it yesterday. the church is having a picnic at my house tonight and working on the float for the parade here too. but i shall resist the temptation of all the yummy foods that will be around me... i will i will i will! (i hope!)

hugs
mlhb

i forgot to mention that prayer brings me a lot of peace as well and i have been doing a lot of that these past few weeks. it helps me to relax and not worry so much.

i pray a lot for him and that all goes his way and that he is protected. that is what is MOST important to me right now above all else.

have a great day everyone!
mlhb

ML --
You're a perfect example of making lemonade out of lemons!

And you're doing what you need to do (be hopeful, pray).

You have lots to look forward to -- and I admire your positive attitude!

All I'm saying is it's OK to have bad/negative moments and to nap or cry or wallow or whatever. God understands those moments too....

That's very magnanimous of you. I mean that. Remember YOU are important too. Don't forget to deal w/ your pain.....

You are doing what you feel you need to do right now and I think that's great. Good luck w/ your fast and your new job.

mlhb,

I admire your determination. Almost everything I eat had parents at one time or another. Plus, I'm weak and have no willpower - I might last 30 minutes if I'm lucky.

30 minutes?? haha that is funny. :-)

it has taken me a long time to get to the point i could do something like this.

devastated, kind words, but i am ok. hey, i love the guy and his pain matters to me. what i may be feeling at times because of this, to me, pales in comparison to what he is dealing with right now. i just try not to be selfish, ya know? what he needs to work through takes precedence right now. our relationship is something that can be looked at after he gets through this period. i am ok with that. and i pray he is too.

had a very busy day....
am off to bed.

hava wonderful night everyone.

mlhb

Mlhb, be careful - juice fasting is an extreme form of detoxification and you have to have opinion AND approval of your doctor!
There are many health 'requirements' that you have to 'satisfy' before juice fasting, and many many! side effects, some of them very uncomfortable and with some consequences which after juice fasting you must recover/heal...
Don't use grapefruit, btw, (citrus fruits, in general).

Regular juice fasting lasts ONLY 1-3 DAYS!
Longer fasting requires a medical supervision.

So, be careful...

thank you belonging.
yes, i have done lots of research on this, and have been dabbling in raw food eating for a few months now.

i am not just having juice, i am having fruits and vegetables too and i have some whole grains like 100% whole wheat crackers laying around if i need them.

don't worry, i shall be fine :-)

(of course, if i don't post after a week or 2, send out some help! LOL you will know something is wrong. )

mlhb

how is everyone's weekend going so far?
we had our annual parade today and the church makes thier float at my house and stores it here until the parade. that is always fun. our float kicks off our vbs week. this year's theme is jungle jaunt. the kids looked so cute and our float was AWESOME!!!!

tomorrow i decorate my classroom (i teach the 3, 4, and 5 year olds) for vbs and get my lessons ready. the week will fly by i am sure because we will be busy. i may try to squeeze in practicing a new song as well for church. we'll see.

well, monday i see my therapist. funny thing is, since i have COMPLETELY turned everything over to god i am feeling a complete, and i mean body and soul complete peace. i am not worrying anymore and i KNOW god is taking of things. i have been sleeping better and i am not on an emotional roller coaster anymore. i am even feeling at peace about the residual stuff with my ex. i even had a "brief" conversation with ow the other day on the phone and i was nice as pie. i can't believe it. i really felt like the bigger and better person after that. hmph, how can she think i am a complete and utter b*tch when i was so nice? i think i shall keep all my dealings like that from now on. and, as always, i still love completely with all my heart, and i am trusting god...

i love my new job, it was sooooo much girly girl fun. i had one appt on friday and THREE walk ins. i guess they saw my bright neon green sign in the window of the shop LOL
i think i may put up another in their other window too.
but it is really so much fun.

my juice fast is not going too well LOL
i need to kick myself in the butt and get a bit more motivated. i will i will i will. i am thinking of taking some raw food eating training classes over in vermont later in the month. there are 3 different ones you can take. i think the more i know and learn and understand the better i can do and then it can be a side business as well.

well, hoping everyone is having a great weekend.

mlhb

well, went to see counselor today.
actually, decided to utilize my pastor as counselor instead so i could get a christian perspective and HE IS FREE.

i appreciated his time and i think it went well. he also gave me a study bible which i really wanted. i want to really delve deeply into the bible and have a true understanding you know? this study bible will truly help me.

i again, feel at peace. with all things in my life. the ex, gekko, everything. god is forever in control. :-)

mlhb

well vbs is going well, very fun.
new job is lots of fun, like it very much.
have not set up a time to talk to my pastor again altho he is pretty much available anytime. i think i may see him again next week. i think weekly would be good for a little while.

and every thing else is what it is.

hope everyone is having a great week so far.
mlhb

well, i am turning a new leaf. yes i am. the more i have been praying and doing my little at home bible studies, the more i am coming to a complete inner peace.

it has bothered me for awhile that i can still feed into my ex. that he can still get me going because he needs a "confrontational fix". well, i have decided i am just not going to give him that fix anymore. no i am not. i am cutting off that confrontational junky. he will purposely get all high and mighty with me, puff out his big peacock feathers and strut around thinking he is the big boss of all. i can usually ignore it, but sometimes i just need to put that in it's place!

but you know what? if i don't react to him, if i am not a b*tch at all, if i act with kindness and kind words (not letting myself get walked on of course, but being firm nicely) than he can't get his fix, and darn it, he won't have anything to complain to ow about saying "see, i told you she was a b*tch!"

i am tired and i just can't do it anymore. it has been 2 years for crying out loud. i can honestly say i am not angry about the affair anymore. god bless ow, she took that loser off of my hands! she took that sad example of a father out of my children's lives on a daily basis which is for the best for them. i didn't want him anymore when she took him, i was just so angry that he did such things you know? and that she didn't care that she did such a thing. i can see them together and it doesn't bother me at all. i feel nothing for him at all. he will always think he is better than i am,and what do i care? i know the truth and so does everyone else. that is HIS unreality not mine.

he sent me a text the other day that i would have loved to respond to,i was geared up and ready to go. but i stopped and said NO i am not going to respond. he wants a fix and i am NOT going to give it to him. i deleted it and went on with my day. i want to move on away from this, i want to just be me, which is a good kind caring person who truly cares deeply about people and my children and about god and how i can be a better person.

i feel like a big weight has been lifted off of me since i have made this decision. i know it is the right thing to do. will he still try to get his fix? yup, guaranteed. but i am not going to give it to him anymore. i am not going to react anymore. i am going to continue following our agreement and i am going to continue following the righteous path i am on, and i am going to continue bettering myself by finishing my degree, and i am going to just keep being who i am. and i am pretty darn proud of who i have become these last 2 years. VERY PROUD.

i want to contribute and try to make others lives a little better. when i die i don't want to be remembered for the cool stuff i had or the money i had to leave to others. i want to be remembered for what i did for others and for how much i genuinely loved and cared for others. that is all that is important to me.

oh yea, and that i STOPPED FEEDING MY EXES CONFRONTATIONAL JUNKY FIX! ;-)

good nite all!
mlhb