Since finding out about my WW EA, I have been devestated, to the fact where I have been totally insecure, smothering her with affection etc. We have had long talks about our relationship, something she doesn't like doing because it seems to make it worse. I have had a good hard look at myself and reliased, after reading a lot on this wonderful website, I have a lot I don't like about me, and I have to change in areas, to meet her emotional needs.

The problem is, she keeps telling me she doesn't want me to change. She says if this is going to work, we have to build it on what we already have. How can I change things, like the way I communicate with defensiveness, my insecurities, confidence if she says she doesn't want me to change, and when I do show her steps I have made to change or demonstrate this changes in attitute and behaviour, she patronises me and thinks it's all fake.
Should I back off with all the affection, the I love you so much, your everything to me talks, which she is by the way..I think she feels smothered. She says I have always needed reassurance about our relationship, and this has pushed her away, because she has always told me what I want to hear rather than what she is feeling etc.

I'm worried about her expectations of me and our relationship. She said she wants a partner like" Pearse Brosnan(James Bond) Is this fairyland talk or what. I think if she has these type of expectations, she will never really be 100% happy.

Ray

Obviously insecure and needy are not attractive. I'm not sure what Pierce Brosnan would do (except maybe read the script someone wrote for him - how 'real' is that?).

And your wife is 'in the fog' of an affair. It's like her head is in a fog and she cannot see reality. So you have to remain clear-headed. Implementing the MB'er Concepts will help you in that regard.

Of course your wife doesn't want you to change. If you did - by eliminating LB'ers and meeting ENs's - she wouldn't have such an easy time 'justifying' (ack, gag, gag) her affair. So I'd suggest you go ahead and eliminate your LB'ers and meet the EN's she'll allow.

Have you read up on Plan A & Plan B? Eliminating LB'ers and meeting EN's are part of Plan A. Exposure is the other vital part. Plan A requires exposure.

But what do YOU want?

Being grabby and needy isn't going to be seen as attractive to your wife.

Smothering someone with affection is often not about expressing care about *them* and is more about trying to alleviate your own anxiety. Being someone's wooby blanket is also off-putting.

If you are dealing with large amounts of anxiety, would it be possible for you to expend it in exercise of some sort? Gym workout, cycling, ball team?

Working out for a man has several benefits. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. What are your local options in this regard?



Stop discussing your potential changes with your spouse. Often these discussions are an attempt to explain what you plan to do, and placing it on the table for discussion leaves it wide open for her to critique it, deflating you before you even get started.

When you stop discussing it with her, you will lower the number of times she can tell you otherwise.

How are you being defensive? What are you being defensive about? You can't assuage your insecurities by looking to an infidel. That's a recipe for a helping of Double Insecurity Deluxe. You diminish yourself in her eyes everytime you try to lean on her in order to get some sense of your self.

When you say "when I show her the steps" does that mean you're saying "Look, I am now doing x, y and z!"?

Or are your actions/behaviors different and she is addressing your actions?

If you are verbalizing your new steps to her, stop.

If you are making better, more mature choices in dealing with your wife and she makes negative comments about your new actions we might be able to come up with some responses for that. Need to hear details from you first.

Does she realize James Bond only has short-term affairs and generally the woman turns out to be a counter agent and she dies? That is really an odd kind of partner to desire. I don't think she's thinking that one through.


What is the difference really between change and building? Building is changing.

If there are behaviors that you want to change within yourself and the change will be positive, you are free to do that.

One partner changing generally means the whole dynamic of the relationship will shift. Perhaps she realizes that and doesn't want the status quo to shift. However, she already shifted your relationship by becoming involved with another man.

Her behavior makes it nearly impossible for you not to change because your relationship does not have the loyalty and care on her side that you thought it did.

Move forward in a positive way, taking care of your health, no lovebusters, and don't load up on James Bond-like weaponry no matter how much she like Pierce Brosnan....

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I totally see that. Your right, it is my own anxiety.

I am not telling her what steps I'm taking, I'm just acting different in different situations. For example: The other night she was telling me about her sisters relationship problems and how unhappy her sister is etc. Usually I would of responded with something like"She'll get over it..." No compassion. This time I based more response on how much we should be supporting her, I hope shes going to be okay... My W said to me "I could saying anything at the moment and you would agree with me or say the right thing". She thinks it's all fake, because of what is happening to our M.

As for the James Bond thing, I think it's more with the Charisma, confidence side of it. Not the relationship side of it..

I have read a lot about Plan A/B.

Even though she has promised me she will not contact OM, and would tell me immediately, it is a question always running through my head. I have never had a reason not to trust her before but I always find my self snooping, for the whole 10 yrs of our marriage. In this process of trying to rebuild trust at the moment, I want to ask her daily if she has contacted him, but I feel if I do I would be showing the distrust I have shown through our whole marriage. When I first found out about the EA, I bombarded her with questions, which in the end seemed to push her further away, as when we were together, it was always very intense. Would it be taking a step back to continually ask her if she has contacted him or should leave it and trust her??

In the last few nights we have been doing a communicating exercise or MC had shown us. It's reversing the roles. She asks questions as if she was me, I would answer as if I was her. It made me see how the questions I were asking were all about my insecurities and my neediness. I was so obvious, and hearing her ask the questions I had been asking made me cringe. I think this was a big break through for us. It has been happening all of our M. I finally get it. How unattractive. No wonder she hasn't seen me as the mature masculine confident partner she wants.
I guess this has impacted on other parts of our marriage as well. She has always taken a back seat on the intimacy side. She recently said she felt like I was more of a boy than a man and that's why she has trouble with the intimacy. I think maybe the insecurities and neediness has made her feel like that.