A quick background. My H & I have have a 5yr old daughter. My H has a 1 1/2yr old son from A. Things are going well, all things considered, we have visitation every other weekend. And our relationship has repaired a lot, not perfect, but how many are.

Now, I have always wanted a second child, my H said no way, and that was kind of that. I honored his wishes and went on to enjoy the one we had, more so by myself than together; which by the way took him 5yrs of marriage to decide he was ready for.

One of the hardest things I have had to overcome from the A, is the resentment that now he has a second child, and he wouldn't allow me to give this to him. I love his son dearly, but he is not "ours". I want a second child from us! Is it wrong for me to look at it this way? My H avoids the subject; I know he still doesn't want any more children. But even knowing how badly I want this, I'm terrified that emotionally I would be a wreck. I really still have a lot of up's & down's. Has anyone dealt with these kinds of feelings? I don't know what to do!!!!!

jmims,

What you should do first is breath! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My d-day was just over two years ago, and the OC was already 4 months old. I am 44. I don't want anymore children. Neither did my DH. I had permanently taken care of that. So, that wish for another child doesn't exist for me. I know that even if I was younger, and hadn't had my children yet, I am not in a place yet to want to risk another child in this relationship. The OW will be a larger thorn in our side for the next 16 years than my XH from 17 years ago managed to be. This is a large POJA issue. Your H having a second child and not you can't be changed. I would guess that he didn't want the 2nd child in the first place. This probably would not help with your on going recovery and forming of your new M, family, and on going relationship with OC and OC's mom. What is your desire for another baby coming from? Being pregnant? giving birth? the little one or the child and eventually the adult they blossom into? What if he said yes, and then you could not conceive? Would you want infertility work up? How important is this? Is it more important than the family you now have and the M you are working on rebuilding?

just my 2 cents worth.

from someone still too afraid to invest or believe that deeply in the recovery of their devastation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

FTS

I feel very much as you do. My H did not want another child and after our youngest became disabled I badly wanted another. Then he gets OW prg with the son I wanted! We are in NC so i dont even get to enjoy his OC and he absolutely does not want more children. Now I am at an age where really it is too late. It is very difficult to forgive him for this. I don't know what to tell you. You are not wrong for your feelings but you cannot force another child on him it would not be fair to either your H or the child. Why not have a few counseling sessions to talk it out?

jmims,

In the general context, of course the first answer one would give to your question is "No."

Given your situation, however, it sounds like have another child will have serious consequences on your M. You'd have to ask yourself then...will having another child be worth it if it means the end of your M? You can't have it both ways...and while your H seems to be willing to work our your M after the A, isn't that more important than having another child at this point?

The even bigger question is: what are you prepared to do knowing you won't get what you want?

Remember, you still have another child between you and your H. What about her? She deserves your love and affection just like any other child to be born of you into this world (if your H changes his mind, which I doubt he will).

Having just found out about H's A not too long ago, with the OC just born few weeks ago, I have wondered about this too. We have wanted 2 or 3 kids, and our first and only (so far) just turned one. We are definitely holding off for now if ever. H has hinted he doesn't want anymore. It has crossed my mind before that if I really want another child, I probably would not want it with my H. My first pregnancy was a very lonely one (at the time I wasn't aware of the affair), and I don't know if I can handle the thought of going through it alone again. But again, my pain is still fresh, and we are still trying to figure out what we want to do with us, the OW, OC, etc.

Pixycut,

sorry to welcome you to MB. This is a really great site for people in our situation. If you go back and read old posts from the older members, you will gain a lot of information, and insiight. It helps tremendously knowing that you are not the first to go through this, it is much more common than I ever dreamt. There are still a few posters here, so if you have a question ask it. If you are trying to rebuild your marriage, that is were your focus needs to be. NC with the OW also needs to be carried out. Read on the site, check out the books surviving an affair, his need/her needs. lovebusters. The radical honesty and policy of joint agreemnet. These will help you rebuild your marriage and trust.
Best wishes.

FTS

Thanks for the input guys.
I can't think of a happier time in my life than when I was pregnant, but times were different then. I keep reminding myself of that.
It had been something playing in my mind a lot recently and the other day my DD say's to me, "I want a little sister", when I said to her "that's probably not going to happen". Her response was "why can't you go get me one like daddy went and got me a little brother?". What do you say to that???? It felt like a knife went through my heart.
It just made me want another that much more, not caring if it would be a boy or girl. It used to make me very angry that SHE gave him his son, but after getting to know him, I'm over that. It would be nice to have the family name carried on, (she gave OC her name), but it doesn't really matter. The blood line is still there.
OC is as darling to me as my own. Which is also a reason that I have made myself to be okay with contact with OW. We want to be involved in OC life, not just an every other weekend visit. So far, so good, we work around schedules and she involves us in his life. She's a good mother to him, so getting custody of him is not an option. We just all try to be adults.
Any way, thanks again!

Jmims,

I completely disagree with the other opinions. If YOU want another child, I think that it is totally unreasonable for your WH to deny you this.

He went and had another child with the OW and yet he will not have another one with you? I have to tell you that if my husband responded this way, I would leave him in a New York minute! I am quite serious about this.

I have been with a number of people in the last minutes of their lives. No one ever wishes that they had worked harder or made more money etc.... If they have regrets (and everyone does) it is OVER people and things they FAILED to do. I have known MANY people that have regretted not having children or not having more children. I have never met anyone who wished that they had had LESS children.

Having a child is a HUGE issue. You already have a child and so you know the awesome responsibility they are and also the joy and rewards that they bring. Had your husband NOT had another child outside the marriage, then he would have been in a better position to argue with you about another. As it stands he is being a controlling *** (I can't say it) to deny you this.

If this were me, this would be a deal breaker. If you want another child and he won't compromise on this, I say get rid of him. It is the LEAST that he can do... under the circumstances. He did not control HIS REPRODUCTION... don't now allow him to control yours. He has already displayed a shocking lack of judgement... don't substitute his judgement for yours ever again.

All the very best,

D.B.

jmims,

I have to strongly disagree with Deservedbetter. This site is about marriage building. It is about saving the marriage. Not at any cost. But you have been doubly betrayed. He betrayed you when he betrayed the marriage vows. He also betrayed you by having a child with another woman when he was only supposed to be with you. He betrayed you and his COM. Kicking him to the curb is always your choice if recovery doesn't work. You have made a decision to try to save your marriage and your family. Right now these are the things you need to work on.
I lost many of my personal dreams when I found out about the OC. The top priorities came to the front. My well-being, my children's well-being, and the recovery and rebuilding of my marriage into something that I wanted to live with (not had to). The other wants became unimportant, they will probably return after we reach a place of healing and recovery, but never to be more important than the base: The marriage.
There are so many [email]bullsh@@[/email] things to deal with because of the OC. The OW and her [email]cr@@.[/email] the child support and medical bills which always show up. These OW aren't willing to take care of themselves properly, or they wouldn't have become pregnant with someelse';s husband. They would have found someone that actually wanted to raise a child with them. My OW wants to be supported so she can play mommy. That was her plan all along. She will be harassing our attorney for another 16 years.
Heal your Marriage. Whenm you do that your H may or may not change his mind. Right now he may see a child as a reminder of everything he has done wrong and all the guilt and shame for what he has done.
I couldn't look at a baby for almost 2 years without feeling my guts ripped out of me for what he did.
It's to early to dive in again, maybe later. But please disregard the suggestions from Deservedbetter. This is what you hear from your friend who would have told you to throw the marriage away in the first place. This site is about trying to recover and rebuild. When you have gotten there, you can readdress this issue. If you can't get there and you have given it your best efforts, then you can walk away if that's what you believe you need to do.

Best wishes

FTS

I'm not going anywhere! And I'm not the type person that can "make it happen with out his knowledge". (I can't tell you how many people have advised that one). I think we have worked too hard and come too far to be stupid!!! My marriage and my child are my top priority. Yes many of my dreams that I worked years to build have been destroyed because of the A, OW & OC, but I can only go forward and make the best out of what is to come. I can't change what has already happened. At times I am very bitter, but I can never be spiteful. It is not in me.

Best of Luck to all of you out there! Wish we didn't have to be here!
Thanks again!!!!