Post deleted by 2tired2try

2Tsquared...

I think you already know what you should do.

When tempted, God gives us the way out so that we don't have to simply resist. You are right that your H will likely want you to stop seeing this "friend" if he finds out.

If the tables were reversed and it was your H who was developing a crush on a friend, would you not expect him to end all contact?

Since you were here before you already know the drill. It is your developing feelings for this OM that diminishes your feelings for your H. You were only word order away from saying about your H, "I love him but I'm not IN LOVE with him." Being a person who likely heard this from the other side, you know what this means and why it isn't a valid argument for continuing this relationship with OM.

The process you described as to how this crush began, as you know, is text book road to an affair. You know an EA is as devastating to a marriage as a PA and you know what Dr Harley would tell you to do if he were talking to you directly.

You know what the right thing to do is, but you don't want to give up the "friend"...blah-blah-blah. Sounds just like what my then WW said when I confronted her about other man. It sounds just like any addict being asked to give up the source of their addiction.

I do not mean to sound disrespectful but you know what is right. It is your choice as to whether or not to do it. Sorry to be so blunt, but knowing the truth and acting on it are two different things. You have to make the choice.

Mark

Your issue seems to be temptation. There is nothing wrong with that, so you have not commited a sin. Temptation starts in your mind and if you continue to feed it- with reasons why you should give in. Your mind will tell you that it will feel good and you deserve it. Don't do it! You will fall. You will fall into the sin of adultury. Try to remember this- H.A.L.T - Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Under these conditions you are most likely to fall into sin.

A personal message from my heart to yours:

Which Way?

"There is a way which seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death" (Proverbs 14:12).


"I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you."
(Psalm 32:8)

Do you know that God's eye is upon you? He is watching you. And me. He says, "...with My eye upon you." And not only that, but He is instructing, teaching, and counceling us. Scripture talks to us, I sometimes forget and I take "my eyes" off God then I begin to see and feel that something is going to go wrong and I don't feel right- I begin to worry. Then I read a scripture like the one above and I begin to open my eyes again. That is when I begin to see again the way in which I should go.

Have a wonderful and joyful day, but most of all a blessed one!!

I will be praying for you.

Post deleted by 2tired2try

Is your friend worth more than your marriage? Your inappropriate contact with her husband says that her friendship isn't worth that much. How would she feel if she knew all this stuff?

You must take an honest look at yourself and your situation and come clean with your husband. Write a no contact letter (with your husband) and start working on your marriage. Ditch the friends or you'll lose your marriage.

2T2T,

You must decide if you want to be friends or be married. Not only will you be reminded of your "crush" every time you bump into you friend's husband, but so will your husband. As long as the fantasy of what might have been is still viable, you can never heal and neither can your marriage. It would be an insult of a magnitude you can't imagine to your husband for you to see this man, even if your friend, his wife, is present.

While it may in fact be possible that you can remain on platonic terms with this man in the future, it is less likely than that the fantasy will return at some point. Your husband must be told the truth so that he knows that his marriage requires extreme measures to protect it. If he requests that you stop having contact with your friend, it comes under Dr Harley's Policy Of Joint Agreement.(POJA) Unless your husband agrees enthusiastically that you should see your friend, then you should not. To do otherwise is a Love Buster/Independent Behavior and will eat away at your relationship over time.

That is the truth and only the truth can save your marriage and make it what it should be and could have been.

Mark

Post deleted by 2tired2try

2T2T,

Would it be possible for you to call Dr Harley's radio program or email Joyce Harley a question to find out what the doctor's take on this would be? If he tells you to just ignore the situation and get on with your life without taking extraordinary precautions regarding this man, then I'll just leave you alone.

But of course, I don't think that would be his advice, do you?

Mark

Post deleted by 2tired2try

She's your friend...tell her the truth. Your H is your H...tell him the truth. The TRUTH will set you free. There's no getting around that and it would probably put a screeching halt to your EA with her husband, but somehow I'm thinking you don't want it to stop.

I may be in the minority here, but I think if you tell the OM:

Your visit made me uncomfortable and the next time you visit without your W, I will let her and my H know. When I said I wanted someone to 'play' with, it certainly wasn't you..

This should firmly tell him that you aren't interested and then you should vow to NC unless a spouse is there also.

IMHO, you just need to initiate some firm boundries within yourself and the OM. I do not think telling those feelings to your S or F will lead to anything other than heartache.

2tired - grindnfool is "dead on target" with his advice.

Do it!

You are exhibiting all the classic signs of being Wayward, rationalizing all the things in order to "keep him in your life."

That ends now.

IF you do not erect this boundary and submit to GOD your feelings and ask for HIS help, you will fall....it's as simple as that.

Tempations and trials WILL come, that is the mode of operation of Satan. And he will "strike" when you are at your weakest. "Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that procedes from the Lord."

What does HIS Word say to you? What did it say to Paul and his "thorn in the flesh?"

Stop this now, or Exposure WILL happen whether you choose it or not and the destruction of relationships that you "fear" will happen. "Speed" can feel thrilling, but Stop Signs and Brakes are there because giving into the emotional "good feelings" WILL result in disaster and take other's "with you."

Your world, your family, your relationship with God all hang on your will and who you will submit it to.

"Choose ye this day...." Choose wisely.

After you have chosen(wisely) we can talk about your lack of "in love" feelings for your husband, if you'd like to talk about it and perhaps learn how to "get those feelings back."

God bless.

From one who has walked in your shoes, tell your husband. Then, get your girlfriend, and tell her. Assure her that you want to remain friends with her, but you can only do it if you are ensured you’ll never see or talk to her husband again.

Then, you have to address the root cause of this: You aren’t in love with your husband. Until you regain that romantic love, you will be so vulnerable to an emotional or physical affair, that you cannot be alone or talk alone with any man. Ever.

If you can’t restore romantic love to your marriage, you need to get divorced.

(NOTE: romantic love does not mean lust or infatuation, but it does mean you’d never say “I love you but I’m not in love with you.’)

Post deleted by 2tired2try

2T2T,

[color:"blue"]"I realize I need the strength to ignore him."[/color]

Your best bet is to have the strength to avoid him. The problem isn't just resisting, but not placing yourself in a position where you have to rely on your will to overcome your emotions.

This is what Paul is talking about when he tells us to flee from temptation. A boundary needs to be not just a line that says "I won't do that," but in fact a direction that says "I won't go there." The line can prevent us from committing a sin when we are feeling strong and connected to our spouse and to God. But when the day comes, as it always does, that we are having trouble with our spouse and don't feel God's presence because we are ignoring Him right now, then we need to have a plan that has nothing to do with being strong enough to resist the temptation. We need to have an escape that keeps us from being at that line staring over it at the other side. What is on the other side is what we want, so we must avoid the line so that we don't have to choose between crossing and not.

David sinned with Bathsheba, but he sinned way before he even saw her. 2 Sam 11 begins by saying that in the spring when kings lead their men off to war, David sent Joab out with his army. David's trouble began when he was where he should not have been, not when he first saw Bathsheba. He sinned when he let someone else worry about what he should do and justified it in his own mind, though God knew the reality and truth of the situation. So when David saw Bathsheba he was already attempting to justify what he was doing, was not feeling close to God and the boundary he was relying on for salvation was only a thin line, easily crossed.

You say you are three years out from his affair now, but have you really done the things it takes to recover and restore your love for him? Have you rebuilt the romantic love in your relationship or just resolved the communication issues that many MCs seem to be so fond of? Do you spend 15 hours per week with just the two of you, not fixing marital problems but having fun together and rebuilding your love continuously? This is the key to recovery in Dr Harley's plan. By rebuilding the love and trust as the foundation, the other things become much easier to work on and fix. That way you end up not only married, but happily so and both in love with each other.

I'm not saying the current situation is entirely your fault, but it isn't entirely your husband's fault either. You both have a responsibility to maintain your relationship and when it gets broken, you both need to fix it.

I would also add that as a MB vet you already know that the feelings you have developed for this other man are clouding perceptions and changing the way you feel about your husband. You also probably know that any attempt to justify your behavior and choices by shifting the focus to your husband and what he did or did not do in the past is only an excuse and the thing that attempts to justify your own sense of entitlement.

Mark

2tired2try,

Please read the following link:

Growing through & defeating temptation

I don't know whether or not her feelings for the man really are clouding her feelings for her husband. I think it's just as likely she really hasn't been "in love" with her husband for 3 years. Where it's a little foggy is 1. 2Tired's perception of her own strength, 2. the affect of this relationship on her family and 3. her motivation to maintain her marriage finally, 4. her preception about whether she could ever regain trust in her her h.

2Tired, what do you want to do?

Right now you get little "fixes" but these will soon not be enough. (BTDT wiht my own EA). If you're lucky, someone will find out and stop you. If you're unlucky, this will continue with great heartache to all.

You could divorce your husband which would cause all kinds of pain, but maybe less damage overall than having an affair.

Or you could really attack the problem of your marriage again, one last time. But, there is a point where that simply is not possible. Maybe you've gotten to that point.

What doesn't seem possible is for you to keep plodding along as you have been. If it's not this guy, it would be another.

Post deleted by 2tired2try

2tired2try, you KNOW what you need to do, just DO IT! Don’t wait to “snap” out of your “fog”, just TAKE the right actions that will protect yourself and your M IN SPITE of your fog and weakness. As I’ve said, just DO it.

Please read that link on temptation and then post again. I hope that link will help/have helped to motivate you to do the right thing and take the right actions.

2T,

Have you considered reading HN/HN again WITH your H? Also, The Five Love Languages would be a good one. It does sound like you and H have slipped into not meeting each other's ENs. You're not doing the 15 hour thing and you're not being OH with him.