How do you go about exposing adultery to Human Resources? They work together.

Write a letter to the Director of Human Resources and cc a key VP and the boss [es] of the affairees. Give them the facts about the affair and let them know this workplace affair has been devastating to you and your children. [if any] Subtly mention the fact that workplace affairs have the potential of leaving their company vulnerable to sexual harassment actions. Then ask them: "what do you intend on doing about?"

I suggest sending the letter REGISTERD to each person with the cc names at the bottom of the letter. Each must understand that the letter went to others in the company so none will be tempted to deep six it.

Thank you, but is it ok even though we are almost divorced?

Well, just convey the fact that you are almost divorced because your marital situation has been involved in the affair before divorce was ever brought up.

Here are the details you need to include for HR. They are not really interested in how you feel or if the kids are hurt--they are interested in whether or not the company is at risk of a sexual harassment lawsuit. Thus, your letter is not to becry the destruction of a marriage and family, but to warn them that their employees put them in a position of legal risk.

You should start by saying that you want to report possible sexual harassment and unwanted sexual contact between two employees. Say that [WH's name] and [OW's name] are both employees of [Company name] and they have been engaging in unwanted sexual behavior (it's unwanted by you--and maybe OWH). Include that you are also simultaneously notifying their direct supervisors, the supervisor's boss, and HR. Include that they have used company resources to facilitate the unwanted sexual contact--then list the resources (workplace, cell phone, laptop, company car, company travel, etc.). Include that the unwanted sexual contact has resulted in a marked decrease in both [WH's] and [OW's] productivity. Conclude by saying that you would appreciate if HR or the appropriate supervisors would please investigate the unwanted sexual contact and inform you of the reported outcome.

It's somewhat important that you include everything and use the kind of language I've described because those are the "legal catch phrases" that will get their attention and fast. By law, if sexual harassment is reported, they MUST investigate.



--CJ

So it's ok to still sent a letter?

Why would you be sending the letter? Is it to have an outside chance at saving your M, destroying the affair in order to do so? Or is it for revenge or self satisfaction at making the WW and OM's life miserable?

I don't think it will save the marriage, she's already having the OM around her family and at family functions.

I think I want to do this because there are consequences to her actions and to make it tough on them. Ok I know that this is a bad motivation and I won't try to justify it.

I am torn on this so I will stay neutral. There is a part of me that suggests that she should live with any and all consequences of her actions and another part that says that the reasoning for doing such is fallable.

Maybe others can reply.

I'm not going to do it, it's evil and I have a bad heart motivation behind it.

I going to let go and let God deal with that.

No, its not evil at all. It is THERAPEUTIC. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. Committing adultery is evil, not EXPOSING EVIL and forcing others to face the consequences of their actions. Hopefully, your motivation is based on the concept of JUSTICE, which would be your wife facing the consequences of her adultery. That is a good thing, most certainly not an evil thing.

That being said, if I were in your shoes and did not have children, I would strongly consider cutting my losses and moving on while the getting is good. This could be extremely ugly and devastating if children were involved.

Ephesians 5:11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

There are no children involved, but we have mediation set up for Aug. 3 and this M is almost over. But Eph. 5:11 was a good call I forgot about that verse. She is going to POed because she has to pay me about $18,000.

I'm just torn about what I should do, I'll wait a few days and see if anyone have any more thoughts.

Still struggling with what to do.

Hi,

Perhaps I can share, as I was in a similar situation as you a few months ago. Wife got involved with another WOMAN at work, and after many months of the rollercoaster, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to end it, to tell her its over, and to do it in the form of an exposure letter to all her friends, family etc.

My goal was 5% to expose to end the A, and 95% to put a big sign out saying "Look! Look at what she's done!". Because up to that point, she was hiding her lesbian affair from everyone, and I come from a rather conservative society.

The good people here as well as many of my friends convinced me that if my reasons for this 'nuclear exposure' was not in the interest of saving my marriage, but was for revenge, pure and simple, that I should NOT do it. If I was certain that the M was over and I wanted to move on, why drag everyone back into the drama of the whole thing again?

Well, I decided NOT to do it in the end and I still feel today that I have made the right choice. If people ask me what happened, I tell them the truth, but I don't have to shove it down their throats like I was planning to with the exposure letter.

I can't say this would be the right course of action for you, but it was the right one for me. Examine your motives and if its not something you can live with it 3 or 5 years from now, don't do it.

Hope that helps! I know the frustration of struggling with this too!

SG,

When exposure can no longer save a marriage, I believe that there is still a responsibility for some limited exposure to the people who are directly affected by the affair and could be vulnerable to future harm from the affair. That would certainly include another spouse if the OM is married, any children from the marriage.....but also a business if the affair opens the company to sexual harrassment. If the OM is her boss for instance....this could be grave indeed for the company.

In my capacity with a very large company, I see these types of situations 2-3 times a year. Disappointingly, Companys usually will not act strictly on the extramarital affair. Intead, you have to give them something that is near and dear to their hearts - their pocketbooks and the potential for lawsuits. If anything is going to get a reaction out of this Company, you need to send your letter to the CEO with copies to the head of HR, head of Legal and both of their supervisors. The letter should read something along the lines of:

Dear Mr./Ms. CEO,

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

John Smith and Susie Doe are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. Mr. Smith and Ms. Doe are using Company time and company resources to further their affair. Attached is one example of countless e-mails exchanged between them during the workday. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship. (If they have traveled together on Company business, you would insert that here).

If you have any questions, please call me at 555-555-5555. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

Brits Brat

i like bringing up the phone calls from work decreasing production. it actually effects the business some - especially if both employees don't work at the same company. of course, a husband trying to talk to his wife throughout the day would decrease productivity too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How will exposing the affair at work affect your wife's ability to pay you $18,000?

Sweet,

I see your point.

1) How will exposing the affair at work affect your wife's ability to pay you $18,000?

2) How will creating all this additional hostility impact the mediation that is going to take place on August 3?

3) If you really do NOT want your wife back, and do not intend to put any effort into that goal, then what will be the net gains and losses from THIS action...
a) five weeks later?
b) five MONTHS later?
c) five YEARS later?

4) How does YOUR life improve? How does the probability that you will eventually make a good and happy match in the future either improve, or decline, by exposing? (I don't think I would knowingly date a vengeful person ... would you? Howabout marry one?)

(Where I'm going with this is, if you wanted your wife waaayyyyyyyy back when you discovered the affair, and you were trying to break it up, then THAT is the purpose of exposure -- to make the affair un-fun, un-funny, and impossible to continue. THAT would have been the time for exposure. NOW it's pointless vengeance that does YOU no good and -- since divorce is imminent -- sort of keeps this from being an extramarital affair from the POV of the employer, and reduces her harm. It just makes you look like a jerk, AND .....

Workplace affairs are VERY difficult to hide, would you be surprised if everyone at her workplace already knew very well all the details of this affair?)