Hello,
I thought I would try and gain a womans perspective on my situation to see if I am attempting to do the right thing or just totally off my rocker.
First, I am not perfect. Never will be, I only try to learn from my mistakes and learn not to do those things again, which I have been pretty good at.
I lost my job of almost 19 years in June of last year. Got another one, but wifes income dropped so went looking for another. Found one I was perfect for, is my dream job, and started at 80K yearly. However it required relocation. We researched as best we could and moved. Kids were not thrilled, especially 14 yr old girl, my stepdaughter.
Got settled, kids in school, and it was a hassle from then on. First, kids did not like fact they moved, other kids mean to ours since we were not as rich as they were. Area was a lot of upper income people (avg 134k) and attitudes were present. Wife decided to remove kids from school, contrary to my belief that education is important and mean people exist. You just teach your kids well and support them and they will be able to cope.
The teen daughter missed her friends, so mom drove back a couple times (1000 miles), and also moved back for a couple weeks to try and please her, but when she moved back she lost my help with the kids, so came back. Then, when the renters of one of our houses had to leave the house, the wife decided to move her and the kids back, and refused to stay with me here. She wanted me to quit my dream job and take a 60 to 70% pay cut and return with them, however her brother who also moved out with us could not afford a place on his own, so she said I should stay here with him and come later to give him time to find a roommate and for me to find a job down there.
Her income can not support the bills we have. She has had 100% control of the money and done a poor job. She refuses to curb her spending, consider's it mean to the kids. The teen daughter will only get stuff from Hollister, Abercrombie, etc. Wife does not see a problem with it. Says she loves her daughter and proves it by getting her the nice things. The oldest son is anti social and stays in his room. He is up overnight and asleep during the day. Older daughter usually on the computer or in her room. 6 year old is usually in her room anymore playing games or watching TV. 2 year old is running all over the house.
My day is as follows, up at 6 am, work by 7, off at 5, home 5:30. Cook dinner, do laundry, homeschool 6 year old, take care of 2 year old as well, do dishes most times, clean house, put 2 year old to bed, get 6 year old down about 11, I am in bed by midnight. Wife is sleeping by now. If 2 year old gets up, I get up with him.
Her day is up about 8, maybe work 8 hours a week average, 530, tells me it is my turn with the kids and she watches her Tivo shows and goes to bed by 10 or so. Gives me a list of things to do and complains if I don't get something done.
She wants me to quit job and get child support to older children reduced, then get better job since ex would not be able to get it raised again for 3 years. She openly hates other kids. If I mention not lowering child support, I get the 'Always Defending the ex' speech, and the care more for the other kids than for ours. We have 2, 6 and 2. The 14 and 16 are not mine.
I point out how much money is being spent, or how poorly they are behaving by not helping out, and get told to butt out. I do not make decisions regarding them. They do no chores, do not pick up after themselves, talk back, etc. but I can do nothing about it.
My wife threatens divorce a lot. She also says that if I loved my kids I would be there instead of making my job more important than my kids. She tells me she does not love me as well.
She spends several hundred dollars a month eating out at fast food chains, and refuses to cut down. She claims there is nothing the kids like at the house. I ask the kids every time I go grocery shopping (yes, I do that as well, I get more for the money by spendign well), but they never tell me what they want and get mad when there is nothing there they want.
She has told me she was afraid of hurting the kids. It first happened last year when I went away for training, but then it was only once so dismissed it. It then happened again when she moved back for those 10 days. And it has happened several times when my youngest was crying because he was sick and got up overnight crying to the point neither of us could console him. So I just walked with him until he calmed down.
I am fearful that my youngest would grow up with a poor work ethic and delusions that everything will be handed to them just for the asking. I also know that my wife can not support the kids on her own, but if I sued for custody, not sure the judge would want to break up siblings and I can't back up my statements about her saying she feared she might hurt the kids because only she and I were there or on the phone.
I am at a loss as to what I should do. She refuses counseling stating there is nothing wrong with her. I know we can not afford the huge pay cut, and she refuses to discuss the money and reason. I can show her on paper how we can't, using her own numbers, but she says the kids should be more important than a job I love.
She gets mad at me for dreams she has, for the fact I would be sad leaving my dream job, and holds the kids over me all the time. Says she won't divorce me and I am sure that is true. She does not want to look like the bad guy, and she considers visitation as me threatening her kids. She only refers to them as our kids when she is mad at them for something they have done.
She refuses to make the older kids help, refuses to curb her spending, and refuses to listen to anything short of my coming there.
Am I wrong here? I am trying to provide a good life for the family and trying to ensure our future. I finally have a dream job I love and she says I am putting it before my kids because I would like to keep it. I am trying to provide a good life for my kids and my wife is spending like we have all the money in the world. I do love my kids but don't believe she should have moved them away so her teen daughter could go to high school with her friends, friends she won't remember after high school when she get out on her own. Jobs making this kind of money are not available in FL, and the cost of living is about the same. My wifes job is not dependent on where she is, so the money issue can't be the root here, especially when she already knows we are scraping by with our incomes. I have no clue how she thinks things will improve with me making 30K. Even if my child support was eliminated, that is still at least 30K after taxes less.
Women, am I just totally off base here or has the wife left the building? Thank you all for any advice you have. And please be blunt. I do not need sugar coating. Thank you.

Well- my perspective is that your wife is suffering a huge case of mom guilt. She's trying to make up for the disruption in the kids' lives by giving in to them.

Also, she sounds like she is depressed. That could be why there's fast food and kids doing whatever they want. That could be why she is sleeping while all the other stuff is left undone. She just doesn't have the energy to deal with it alone. (Plus, daughters at 14 are a particularly annoying form of teenage torment to their moms).

The key thing I see in here is this "She also says if I loved my kids I would be there instead of making my job more important than my kids". That's the hard truth here. She needs you around. It's overwhelming her to be with them alone.

Have you read His Needs/ Her Needs? Your wife sounds like her love bank for you is getting towards empty. It's hard for you to deposit into that love bank when you aren't there. She doesn't feel like she and the kids are important to you. That just adds to her despair.

Your perspective seems to be that the kids should just "suck it up" and adjust (they are just kids after all) so that you can have your "dream job." It sounds to me (between the lines of what you have told us she is saying) that she is asking you to put her and your family before your "dream job."

I realize this is a sacrifice for you. I understand that being able to support your family is very important to you and that you want what's best for them. But an 80k salary isn't the same as having a dad at home.

That's my female perspective. Hope this helps.

Does one of your daughters have a credit debt of about $1000 at Victoria's Secret that you made good one or are expected to make good on?????

Dragonman, can I just clarify which children there are, and whose?

Your wife has two kids - 14 and 16, who live with you, right?

Together, you have two kids, 2 and 6?

You also have older kids from a previous marriage? How many? How old? Do they live with you? You support these children, but your wife would like you to reduce your level of support? How do you feel about that?

TA

Wow... where to begin. It sounds like there are a pile of issues here and I'm not clear on everything so I'm going to make some suggestions as well as ask questions.

I do agree that your wife sounds depressed. I'd start by encouraging (not demanding...) her to see a doctor. Anti-D meds might be in order.

Is your wife living with you now? I'm not clear on that.

Child support you are paying... you have other children from a previous marriage that you are paying support to?

Does she receive support for her children from her previous marriage? If so, how would she feel if their father tried to reduce support? What's good for one's kids is good for another's - and I don't like that she's trying to take away from yours, to suit her own.

As for moving for a better job/income, my XH and kids did this (albeit my kids were younger) - and while I'm divorced now, I made a home where we moved to and so did the kids and we aren't going anywhere. Nuclear families should stick together. I think the 'problems' have less to do with moving and more to do with family dynamics. I would suggest staying where you are and you have a stable job and income. As for time with the kids - it sounds like you are spending plenty of time with the children under your roof (their antisocial behaviours notwithstanding) - but where are your children from the previous marriage? Do you spend time with them too?

Blending families is seldom easy.

How long have you been married? Was your wife's pattern of behavior like this all along, or has her behavior changed recently? (IE since the move).

It sounds to me like some family counseling might be in order to address many of the issues surrounding the children.

I'd also suggest sitting down with your wife and making a budget. Check out www.daveramsey.com and any of his books. He's also got a great "envelope" system that can help budget. Basically on each pay cycle, money is withdrawn from the bank and allocated to an "envelope"... like one envelope for groceries with the budgeted money for that in it, utilities, etc... so that each envelope contains the money for each category. If you aren't paying down debts there can be "mad money" too. When the money in the envelope for a catogory is gone - it's gone til the next pay/budget cycle. This could be helpful for your wife if she is overspending - but something tells me she might not be thrilled about it.

If she is managing the money and luxuries are being bought (ie fast food and indulgences for the kids) and bills aren't being paid - something needs to change. IMO I'd take control of the finances and give the wife a reasonable allowance for such things - (like her "envelope") and when it's gone it's gone - if she spends it all in one week on fast food - too bad. Now that's just me - some might see that as controlling or whatever - but where finances are concerned, somebody has to be responsible.

And if she's on charge cards that you are responsible for paying, I'd cut her off. Seriously - after all you are legally liable to pay them, and if they don't get paid your credit suffers. If she has cards in her own name that she wants to run up - then she's on the hook for them.

I don't see anything wrong with expecting accountability and personal responsibility from your wife, and if she's only working part time but spending as if she was working full time - then perhaps she needs to address her own job situation.

$80K is a very good salary. I can tell you that my kids and I live on $24K net and we don't have a lot of extras but we want for nothing. It can be done.

And if you choose to move back to FL, then it would have to mean a lifestyle change - and it sounds like your W isn't willing to accept that. Nobody can have it all ways - better income where you are, or change your lifestyle and move back. That's reasonable and it's a choice that you should both agree on one way or another.

I really do think your situation merits family counseling - you can't keep doing all the domestic support and earn most of the money - it's not fair. The kids are old enough to do their share - I know it's tough getting teenagers motivated (had that chat with my own mom last night she laughed at me complaining about my own kids' lax attitude toward chores... she *reminded* me that I was just the same! Payback and all that!!!)... but it's reasonable to set out expectations of them that you and your wife agree too. Post a list on the fridge and they don't get "extras" until they've fulfilled their end of the bargain.

It sounds like they've been indulged for a long time. It's hard to break that cycle but it can and must be broken.

It sounds like you've got several tasks ahead of you... but you *can* get through this.

JinGA

Ok,
First off, not sure how Nevertolate knows this, but in answer to her question, yes.
To Johnstwin, I agree she needs the help, however, my days were 6 to midnight and the whole weekends. I reread my post, and on the weekends I was told I needed to take care of the kids because she had them all week. And in addition to that, she would complain I did not do enough or spend enough time with her. However, when I suggest we go out by ourselves, she refused giving one reason or another. If I try to sit by her, she would move, or if I suggest she sit by me, she would say she did not feel like getting up then. She needs me there, but not for me. Not once, has she said she wanted me to come home to be with her, it has always been she wanted me to come home and take care of the kids because she was getting tired. So, while I agree, that if the circumstances were different, I would be gone in a shot, but when your wife basically tells you that your only purpose is to give her a break from the care of children, I am not so sure.
I do not think the kids need to suck it up so I can have my job. My wifes spending has neccesetated a good job due to the amount of debt that has been aquired. When you have $5000 a month in bills and $4000 coming in from me, and about 1500 from her, my taking a job bringing in 1500 is not financially sound, and is it fair to my kids to suddenly rip the lifestyle their mother has gotten them accustomed to so I can help take care of them while she watches TV?
As an example, my last visit I spent the entier time working on the house, doing the shopping, laundry, her oldest son's homeschool progress reports, and some time playing with the kids. She, sat on the couch watching TV or on the computer for about 60% of that time. She spent about an hour with me in the pool with the kids. When I went to the grocery store, I took the youngest, at her suggestion, so she could 'Get a break from him'. So, the entire weekend, we may have spent 3 hours together outside of sleeping, which she was able to sleep in for 4 hours after the youngest got up.
I have suggested counseling, but she claims there is not point because there is nothing wrong with her. I have suggested rewarding the kids for doing chores, she says I am just picking on her kids. When they talk back and don't do what they say, she threatens a punishment she knows they would not enjoy, but only follows through 5% of the time. I point out that they know she won't follow through, and again I am picking on her kids.
JinGA,
Yes, she gets support from her ex from time to time. It is less than what I pay, but I can't help that. She gets angry if he suggests getting it lowered, claiming the kids get nothing, etc.
She is not living with me any more. She went back and I stayed with her brother because he can not afford to live on his own yet, and had no roommate. She has been back 2 weeks now, but has threatened divorce 3 times and we fight most of the time because I will not quit and go back with no job to a lousy job market to be unemployed and when she has no forseeable income over the next 30 days.
We have known each other 10 years married over 2. She refuses counseling. The problems are all with me and she says unless I change, she is going to divorce me. I have considered taking over the finances, but she will go ballistic if I did and claim I am picking on her kids and taking stuff away from them just to punish them. I do not approve of how they treat her, but being the step parent, get no say in anything. My stepdaughter is allowed to pretty much say anything she wants to me, regardless of what it is, and is not punsihed at all when she is inappropriate. Wife threatens but does not follow through.
Perfect example is when she brought home several D grades, mom said she was going to take her phone for a week as a punishment. She had it back the next day.
I did not grow up with a lot, so money is not an issue for me. I do feel, however, I should try to provide as much as possible and should not take a job making 70% less and one I do not like because my wife is trying to please a 14 year old by making her social life more pleasant. If we could afford the cut, no problem. But, if I do, the wife will complain that she has to make more to bail us out because my check does not cut it and will feel she should not have to. Her last check she complained that she was going to have to pay my child support out of 'her' money. Did not matter that she chose not to pay my support out of my paycheck because she wanted to do something. Also, when she got her last check, she took the kids to the beach and spent 2 nights in a $170+ a night room, and then complained that a bill might have to go until my check because there was not enough to pay everything.
They have been indulged. I have told my daughter several time that she needed to wait for a game or some other thing she wanted and the wife just overrules me and gets it for her. Then she will complain that she spent the money and tell me how it is all my fault for not being stronger with her.
I have offered to go to counseling, but it is beating a dead horse with her. She refuses saying I am the only one needing fixing.
Thanks for the input. I hope I can get more to help me figure out what more to do.

Seems like the kids are in charge of her, not the other way around. She is trying to buy their love.

The teenager doesn't need a Victorie'a Secret credit card, or any other credit card, for that matter. Call and cancel them. You pay the bills, or not, and if your name is backing them, you can cancel them. Done deal, and I wouldn't put up with it. Can you give me one good reason why a teenage girl needs lingere?????? Now, think about that for a minute, and then ask her mother.

Are you willing to support the reason that teenage girl "needs" lingere?

Cancel that VS card today if it has your name on it. And double check that teenager's birth control supply, STD count, and education on safe sex, better yet, abstinence.

And who cares if your wife goes ballistic if you take over the finances? She is crying out for "help with the kids". Clearly, the help she needs is in large part related to her ability to tell them NO when it comes to spending. So go ahead and take over the finances, for the sake of the family. Have a discussion about how her way isn't working, and you want to take over and relieve some of her stress, and this is one way to do it. Then, tell her that it goes hand-in-hand with counseling, because it isn't that there is something wrong "with her", but clearly something wrong with this marriage!

And that's what marriage counseling is about.

And if she won't go, go without her, because then she will know you are serious.

SB

Dragonman, you still haven't answered the question about your older children. Do you have children from a previous marriage? How old are they? Is your support part of the £5K monthly bill you mentioned?

I'm also confused as to whether your wife is living with you, in your home, or not. You said that 'She is not living with me any more.', then 'She has been back 2 weeks now...'

Another question. Is there any reason that you're posting this on an Infidelity forum?

TA

DMan, I assume that you are thinking in the back of you mind that she may be in an affair and are looking for someone here to suggest that to you. This is in line with what TogetherAlone asked "Is there any reason that you're posting this on an Infidelity forum?"

You know your situation better than I, but you are living apart.When you are home, there is no intimacy or bonding between the two of you ( she actually avoids physical contact). She spends 60% of the time on the computer when you are home(what is she doing on it?). Finally, someone is running up a great deal in lingerie debt in your house. Do you know what has been purchased. Who is actually using it?

How in the world did you know that?

From another public Forum.....

TogetherAlone,
I am posting here just because it said 'General Questions', so was my mistake. Guess I was not paying close enough attention. I have 2 teens from a previous marriage. And my support is above the 5K monthly bill. Probably one reason wife wants me to take crummy job so I can get it reduced.
Wife moved back to previous home in another state, while I am still at current job. Pointed out to wife how much she needed to make just to cover what I bring home after plane tickets home on weekends and apt costs, and she said I guess that means I need to get 2 jobs instead of one.
She is still adamant that she thinks I should be home working 2 jobs, however one of her supposed complaints was I was not home enough. Also, if I go from 40 to 80 hours a week, how much time will I have with my kids and how much is she going to see me. She has all sorts of conditions, however they contradict what she wants to accomplish with the conditions. When I go back on the weekends, I end up having to get the laundry caught up, clean a good part of the house, do other work around the house and watch the kids because she says, "I have had them all week, it is your turn."
I apologize for posting on an infidelity forum. I have no intention of having an affair. I will divorce first. I saw general questions and figured I could find women who may be able to tell me if this is reasonable behavior from a woman and am I wrong wanting to keep my high paying dream job so my kids could have a better life than with us living in much shabbier conditions?

So, she goes ballistic.

I read over your description of your marriage. Is that what you have in mind for you, your marriage and your children? Are you satisfied with the results of giving all of your responsibilities to your wife to do with as she pleased?

Sometimes, it's easier for us to give (or allow them to be taken) all responsibilities to another person. Because, then we can sit back and point out what bumpasses they are and we don't have to feel bad because we're being the "nice" one.

Your wife is not exercising self control and neither are you. She's pretty much proved that she isn't going to. And between her anger and the threats of divorce, she's pretty much cowed you into accepting that.

So, why don't you list out the problems that are most pressing right now and some proposed solutions that YOU will enact.

I have made several suggestions with regard to finances, showed her on paper the reality, and tried everything. Of course, I get the "You don't trust me" speech. I explain it has nothing to do with trust, it has to do with financial sense. I then get the division speech. She tells me that the oldest 2 are hers, not mine and she will make the decisions regarding them. She also tells me to go talk to them when it is something she does not want to handle.
You are right, it is easier tosit back and blame, though I do not blame, I just point out how we got here, and she changes the subject. She will make statements about having to stick to a budget, and I agree with her. Then about 2 or 3 days later, out the window it goes.
It has gotten to the point that I need to step in and say, you had your turn, now it is mine. I can say no, she can't. So now she will have to have it done for her. Of course, she will view it as an attack on the oldest daughter since she is the one who spends the most, but she will get over it. If she does not want to curb her spending, I will.
Unfortunately, I will have to enact them on my own. She won't agree to them because she is a control freak, so discussion is not open.
My wife has a lot of 'conditions' that go with every decision. She will get a job provided the kids don't go to daycare, I am at home to take care of them, that I have a job with diffeerent hours, and she has one where she won't be tired because of the job when she has the kids. But she also expects me to work 2 jobs, so I am not sure how I will work 2 jobs, then watch the kids while she is working. That would be 120 of 168 hours a week, and I have to sleep as well, so that would be another 42 at 6 hours a night, which leaves 8. And, she also says I don't watch them well enough for her, so maybe she should just stay home since she does a better job. Hard to get anything accomplished when her own conditions are contradictory. I can't imagine why I may be frustrated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know that I would suggest that as a conversation starter.

You need boundaries. You currently don't seem to have any.

If your finances are out of control, then I suggest you make yourself responsible for dealing with the checking account and paying the bills. I would set up a separate individual account to deposit your check into. I would continue the joint account in which you deposit a budgeted amount from which your wife can purchase groceries (if she's the one buying groceries). I would cancel any joint credit cards.

Your wife does not currently have the whole family or the marriage's best interest at heart.

Someone needs to, and it appears that the someone is going to have to be you.

What do you think?

Well, this woman has relocated to another state where her husband had a better job; this woman also relocated many times as a youngster; attended 5 different high schools.

My thoughts are this - your wife is putting her own wants and the childrens wants before your marriage. She is leaving you without any say in the situation; stating you either do all the things she wants or else! Is that love? I disagree with others; I feel she is being completely self-absorbed and self-centered about the entire thing. The children would get over the relocation and make new friends; it could have been the start of a new exciting adventure for the entire family.
If money is so tight, she should want to do things such as 'make home meals', cut coupons, do whatever it takes to help with the finances.
Sorry, but I get the "I am queen" syndrome from her; if you want me then it must be on my terms only.
Feel you both need counseling to make this marriage work; including the children who could benefit from counseling. They are learning priorities from their mothers actions.
The fact she left you twice and is making it clear that you either move back or the relationship is over and she is unwilling to take any responsibility for her part of it all, seems to leave little space for working on your marriage and family relationship. She is also using "I don't love you" as another weapon. What, she loves you when you do the things she wants to do and doesn't love you when you disagree?
I do feel you should seek counseling to help yourself with this. If you leave your job, you will resent her; there has to be a workable solution to this. Why can't the chidren go back and visit their friends during summer vacation or holidays? Please try to get entire family into counseling before you throw in the towel.

I agree with graplin. You need to take the bull by the horns.

If "her" kids aren't "your (collectively) kids" then let her spend her child support on them. I know that sounds vindictive but she's got a double standard. It's not OK for you to have house rules that apply to 'her' kids, but it is OK for her to spend 'your' money on them? Nuh-uh - can't have it both ways. If you are a family, you're a family. If you aren't, you aren't.

Cut her off. Find out the state law where *you* live for support and alimony and give her an "allowance" that also factors in payments on the existing debts. Deduct her share of the bill payments from her allowance, and you give her what's left in an account you can access, and you manage the rest in your own account yourself. Cancel any cards she has that are in your name, and make sure payments are made.

If she wants to go broke and destroy *her* credit - that's her business, but she doesn't have to take you down with her.

She wants to live separate - let her live separate. Don't enable her to live "single" but still enjoy the fringe benefits of unlimited money and maid service.

You might be surprised how fast she gets a reality check.

If she doesn't like it - too bad. She doesn't like anything right now, and it's not getting you anywhere. Take control of what *you* can, manage *your* situation and leave her to manage hers. Do take care of the kids - all of them, but it's time to set some reasonable boundaries.

Heck if it were me, and she was neglecting basics like laundry and shopping, I'd be calling in family services or petitioning for custody. That's insane.

JinGA

Dragonman,
You wanted a woman's perspective and you've gotten several. But I am not sure exactly what you want since you have come with excuses for why things won't work. You obviously don't want to quit your job making 80K, you don't want to move back to where she is, you don't want to make the difficult decisions that need to be made. If you want your marriage to work, it's not going to happen with 1000 miles between you. If you want your marriage to work, it's worth more than the money. But you have to believe that there is something to work for...something worth saving. It seems to me from reading your posts that you don't believe there is hope, but you want women to say that your wife is wrong for not being there to support you because you are making all this money.

Read Dr. Harley's information regarding Emotional Needs. Cut up the credit cards. Tell her that you will adhere to a strict budget. Someone has to give in on where to live. And the kids are your kids--all of them. There can't be divisions on decisionmaking and expectations between the kids just because two are from her first marriage....especially if their father is not involved. Kids need to see both of you as equals in decision making and rule setting/enforcement. Your wife needs to wake up to the fact that she is not doing the kids any favors because when they are 18, the cold, harsh reality that they are not prepared for graduation, college or jobs will be brutal.

And as for you, your decisions are crucial. You may have to give up that dream job. But what would you rather your kids remember your for...the fact that you made money to buy them Abercrombie and Fitch or the fact that you were there to play and support and nurture and love them?

Good luck as decisions like this are never easy and disappointment looms. BUT only if you continue to focus on the negatives. You have two beautiful children waiting for you who love you and they have not asked for this separation. Don't fool yourself into believing that your kids will love you more because of the money. A fool and his money are soon parted. Money can't buy your happiness. Make the choice.
SS

Graplin,

I am sure that would not go over well as a conversation starter, however any suggestion that I remove her control over my paycheck wiill not go well either. It will be the 'You don't trust, How can you do this to the kids?, etc" kind of statements.
I agree that she does not have the best intentions on keeping the marriage. She is talking to an ex, who has invited her to a hotel, and she continues to have contact though she knows it is not something I want her to do. She says that if she did go to the hotel it would 'serve me right'. She also lords over who would get the kids if we divorced, though she is the one who threatens most of the time.
Basically I am living with a walking, talking, thinking contradiction, who would most likely get custody because the courts are highly mom biased. So is pretty much lose-lose for me. Not a pleasant thought, but I do agree it seems I need to take charge and she needs to deal with it. May be a harsh way to put it, but is a harsh situation.

Unfortunately for me, I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment. I thought maybe I was being unreasonable or maybe ignorant for thinking that way, which is the reason for my post.
I have suggested counseling, however the response is 'There is nothing wrong with me". Also, I do the coupon cutting because I am a more thrifty grocery shopper than she is. I can spend 125 at the store and get groceries for the week for a family of 6 (except for milk which goes faster). She is now doing the "I told you I did not want to go there and will never go back' thing now. Of course, she also said she hated where she is now before we moved. She did want to go to a different state, but the job did not pan out there, so had little choice. But that, of course, is besides the point. I should now be doing everything to be with my kids.
I am glad I am not being unreasonable, but also sad that it looks like the choices are very few.