"We need to take small steps to get back to a full love bank. I do want you to be honest & open but your not. You say something is missing but you don’t know what. You love me, you don’t want to hurt me, and it’s not all you. Are you not in love with me? I know I wasn’t their for you for a long time but I am making an effort to find out what got me there and changing those behaviors. I know you agree with me on that and in my mind I believed that I was succeeding but by what you said last night I don’t believe that to be true. Their has to be a balance of give & take to truly make this work to fill our “love bank” back to a place like when we first meet, when we couldn’t stand to be apart from each other. I’m truly giving my all to fill your love bank with what I was not giving you for so long. And you are taking but not giving. Do I need to stop giving or do I continue and are you receptive and can you reciprocate. Do you want to? Is this over?"

i just sent this email to her @ work. My W still has a wall around her and i can't seem to get in.
I thought we had been doing well. She love's me but their is something missing? she doesn't know what. how can I get her to even read the Basic Concepts? It has helped guide me to change my behaviors.

my head is just spinning!

Thanks
jemaz

Not to be mean, but you need help with your "You're and your" and There and their".

I would not have sent that. It's not a very good letter if you want to help things out. IMO you just boiled things hotter for her. I know you are looking for a quick "FIX", but it won't work that way.

This will take time.

Plan A her. STOP discussing the relationship....she probably sees you as needy and clingy...and that NEVER works. Believe me, I've been there.

What led up to this letter-e-mail? Is she having an affair?

jemaz,

You will never get anywhere with a letter like this, and she will never let her wall down with acting like that. I need to plan A her now and not cling to her.

In my experience these type of letters seldom have any postive impact on the spouse. I didn't refer to your wife as a WW because I'm not sure if she is, however the fact that she has built a wall around her suggests that another person may be involved here. Can you tell us more?

Also, I just want to point out that there were several DJs in that letter you sent her.

Has she been talking about another man in her conversations? Does she spend more time away from home (i.e working, gym, etc.)?

I have a gut feeling something else is going on here.

You want to work on your stuff, don't worry about whether she's working on her stuff. When I first got here, I thought the way to make my M better was to get my H to log on here and do all the MB stuff with me. I was wrong.

The idea is for me to do what I need to do to be the best wife I can be. I am here to learn how. Someone very wise has a sig that says "I came here to change my H. He did change, but because he wanted to, not because I made him." or something like that.

You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself.

So, look at your letter from the love bank perspective: you state requests, but is there anything in your letter that you think is filling her love bank?

Read the articles on overcoming a spouse's withdrawal. The first thing you need to do is eliminate all LBs, especially AOs, SDs, and DJs. The second thing is to start meeting her ENs. All this without asking her to meet your ENs; that will come in time, if you do your part. (This is all assuming there are no affairs to worry about.)

Thanks jayne241,
your advice is what I needed. i keep telling myself work on yourself. Their is no OM just me being scared that I put our marriage here and confussed that she keeps telling me she's missing something, but can't tell me what that is. i've been meeting her EN's for a good week and last night she said that again. she's not sure if she can get "it" back. all i want to know is what "it " is.

thanks again

Are you sure "It" isn't another man?

Usually (but not always) when you get the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or ILYBINILWY speech, it's usually because there is a third party in your marriage.

Not 100% of the time - but more often than not if you dig a little, you'll find out who is "it".

JinGA

I heard the same thing from my WW until I snooped a little and found out there was an OM.

I hope you're right, but we have seen this pattern so many times before on this board. I have a feeling the "something" she claims is missing may be "something" she is receiving from the OM.

What is your story? Can you provide some background? How long have you been married? Any kids? When did you notice changes in your W?

What makes you so certain there is no OM?

which story do you want?
how much back ground?
that way I don't ramble on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

1-DD 12
1-DS 11 just last weekend
1-DD 6
married 14 years together 17

"When did you notice changes in your W? "

We haven't been good for a while as i look back I can probabley account for 80% of the problem. We've had our life struggles and made it through. since we moved to AZ 2.5 years ago my W & kids go back to Michigan for a month & i join them for 4th of July week. this is when D-day hit. she told me she couln't do this any more. but had no plan to solve or dissolve. after they had left for MI i had done some soul searching on my own & determined that I need to work on being a better H & F more involved. but D-day happen before i could talk to her about what was going on with me & the changes I wanted to put in place. Since then I have been doing everything I can to grow & learn how to be that better H & F. I found this site & I can't believe how it has helped me. I just can't get her to read or look at some of the lit I printed to help open her shell. I do know I can't make her to that so I doing the best I can to work on me. I've been to the DR & I suffer from depression.
i'm on meds they seem to get me through the day. She is still missing something, & I hope through my actions I can break that walll down I help build.

i don't believe there is OM due to the fact we spend alomst every waking hour together. beside from being @ work and she just went back to work (school)

thanks,

jemaz

This is part of the problem as you are spending too much time away from your wife. Why is your wife going back to MI for a month every year?


This is exactly what happened to me as I was witnessing my wife withdrawing from me and wanted to do something about it. Instead I got hit with d-day and when I asked about an OM she denied as they all will do.


Excellent! Keep making those changes and be consistent. It's hard at first but the longer you keep at it the easier it becomes. This will take time.


Don't try to educate her as she will not be receptive to your ideas right now. Keep the books out and about and she may decide to pick them up on her own.


You won't be able to break down the wall in one shot. It must be done piece by piece and this takes a long time so you need to be patient.


Does she ever talk about any guys at work. I don't understand, is she a teacher or is she a full time student?

Do you have access to her cell phone or email and have you checked to see who she is in contact with?

She may be involved in an EA where she talks or emails with someone. I just want you to be absolutely certain there is no OM so you know how to proceed.

hope this works,

I'm having a crappy day. it is OM I went to check our cell records & pass was changed so I asked before i went to work. W said nothing. I check her home email and saw conf that it had been changed. I called her and she admitted that she had been talking to a mutual friend of both of us. she did say that she would talk to him and tell him that they can not have contact. I told her this is why she's not letting me in to her heart again because she was getting emotional support from him & no room left for me to get in.

wow I need my xanex.

Can you take the day off and go home and begin talking/working with your wife?

She SAID she'll cut everything off with OM...but, Wayward Spouses LIE!

She's addicted to him. It wont be that simple. Not by a long shot. You need to read up on the stuff on the links on the right side of the page...all those links take you to tons of information that can help you save your marriage. Read those...and get home and sit down with your wife ASAP.

Seriosly...read up on this info. Affairs are ADDICTIVE. Saving your marriage is going to be TOUGH, and its not going to happen overnight. And if she's agreeing (at the moment) to NC with him, then get her to write an NC letter and send it ASAP. And then get her cell phone number changed, change her email accounts, etc...

I'll garauntee she'll fight you over this to begin with. You've just started the fight to reconcile your marriage now...pace yourself.

Sorry this is happening to you...

owl,
which links?

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

The truth hurts sometimes, however now you know what you are dealing with and can put a plan in place to help you and your marriage.

owl, is right in that this will be extrememly difficult for your WW to let go of OM. This is probably going to take alot of time and effort on your part so I would continue to Plan A while finding out as much as you can about the nature of the relationship.

Who is this mutual friend and where does he live? How long have they been in contact with each other? Is he married? Does he have children? Where does he work?

Read Dr. Harley's articles and Q&A.

Many of us here have gone through this already so we can help you.

Owl & Hope,

he Lives in MI a little over a month just before D-Day. We were neighbors.yes he is married & yes he has children they are grown. I do know that this is not a sexual A just an EA. he is/was meeting some of her EN that i was not. i have been working my [censored] off trying to implement plan A since we got back to AZ. I'm so glad I found this site it has been a great help.

Any thoughts on how long I give her to break off communication. I asked her for the sake of our marriage and kids to do it today. she had said that she was already thinking about not having contact for a week. I requsted longer. Should it be no contact ever again. this would make it hard for me to lose a friend also. But this could happen again.

my heads spinning again

thanks

So this explains her month long trips to MI.

If this is not a PA it will most certainly become one so don't let that give you a false sense of hope.

NC must be permanent, not for a week or a month, because every time she has contact with OM she will delay her withdrawal from him.

You really need to expose this EA to OM's wife. I bet she doesn't know. Do you have any evidence that you can use as proof to her?

He is no longer your friend, instead he has now threatend your family and you should treat his as such.

no the trip was with kids to go to her parents house & cabin.

Yes...it MUST be NC forever.

You lost his friendship when he crossed the line with your wife...not as a result of enforcing NC. It might suck...but really, what kind of friend IS this guy if he's trying to steal your wife?

As far as the links...the ones on the upper right of the screen that say "Most Popular Links". They take you to some pages that outline the basic principles of the Marriagebuilders methodology for marital recovery.

Read up on plan A. That means the carrot and the stick. The carrot is working to meet your wife's emotional needs...making yourself the more attractive choice. Make changes in yourself that will attract her back. The stick is exposure. You DEFINITELY need to talk with OMW, and make sure she knows what's going on between OM and your WW. You should also expose to the appropriate friends and family that could influence your wife and OM to work on their marriages and end their inappropriate relationship.

Do NOT tell your wife that you're going to expose. Just do it. She will be FURIOUS...but it will prevent her from contacting OMW or friends and family before you do and put a spin on it to make it look like its all your fault, or that you're just imagining things. AFTER you've talked with those people, you can tell your wife what you've done. And tell her the truth...that you called those people and asked them to HELP HER. To help her make the right choices, and to help rebuild your marriage. You didn't do it to be vindictive...you did it because you love her and want your marriage to succeed.

She'll explode, tell you its all over, etc...but that will just be because you've ruined her fantasy life of the affair with OM. Dont respond to her anger...just let it roll off like you're a duck.

How far is OM's residence from your IL's house and cabin? Do you know if she left without the kids to run some errands while visiting? You see the WS is extremely resourceful in finding ways to meet with the OP.

You must remember that these A's thrive on the secrecy and fantasy.

Well...YOU were told that the purpose was to spend time with kids at her parent's house and cabin. What she PLANNED was something different.

Unless you've got PROOF that there was no contact between the two of them prior to the trip?

Tell her to give you the PW to your cell records...see how long they've been calling like this. Same deal with her email...don't bring that up until you're already home with her, so she can't go in and delete emails.

Odds are high you'll find that this has been going on for longer than you thought. And I'd also bet pretty hard that it WAS an EA...she had a month of time to consumate it with OM while she was in MI without you.