OK, the policy of enthusiastic agreement would say that spouse should not buy her daughter a $ 4,000 car and pay for it with a loan in her name without my enthusiastic agreement.
Correct. I tend to take that a step further, if this is something your W really wants, then it's up to her to negotiate the issue through your enthusiastic agreement. Sounds like some amendments are called for.
Related questions: Who will be picking up the tab for D's car insurance? Will D have her own gas money? What if this car breaks down, who will be responsible for repairs?
Is your W able to afford a car payment of $200 out of her paychecks, without affecting your combined budget? If it does affect combined budget, what does she propose to offset the extra expense(s)?
While brainstorming, what related arrangements might trigger your enthusiastic agreement?
I feel very strongly on principle that a parent does a child NO FAVOR by handing a car to them on a silver platter.
Neither here nor there, but I agree with you. I don't think teens really appreciate a car unless they've had to work for some part of it, or must maintain it on their own, or SOMEthing.
We're a step-family. H's kids receive help from H's parents for extras - they are now 21 and 18. Although his 18 yo D worked more diligently, both did work while still in high school to afford their own gas and insurance. They often had to pay for car maintenance.
My Ds are 24 and just shy of 18. The oldest is quite a diligent worker, having worked consistently since 16. We helped both in purchasing their vehicles - older, well maintained ones. Youngest got a paid-for 1990 Toyota (2 years ago) for $1000 - one prior owner who maintained it like clockwork so the engine is great while there's a rusted out spot on the body and the hood is faded. Did my heart good to see how much she appreciates that rusting little putter. She worked the last year of high school, two jobs, and from the higher earning job she saved all that money in savings....for college. Since she was busy saving for that, she coughed up her own gas money, while we paid (still pay, lol) for her insurance as part of ours, and maintenance. She kept her grades high, which was indeed a requirement to operate that car.
An interesting note, my H found that car advertised by a dad of a college-age girl, who had recently quit her job and taken up a rather heavy late-night partying style - car still in dad's name, poof, car sold. I don't believe that end result is mean - he's being a responsible dad. Parents so often try to be friends to their kids - well, kids have plenty of friends; they need their parents to BE parents.
My H was not initially in agreement on buying my youngest D a car. And I understood his position. Agreement didn't happen until we'd done some heavy brainstorming and agreed on the plan.
In my way of thinking, if my significant other can afford $ 200 per month to pay for daughter's car, then she should be able to pay for the car loan for the car I bought that she drives every day, so that I can take that $ 200 and use it to restart my 401K deductions.
Your thinking inflates to more issues, the way I see it. That's three different issues. Sure, they're related because they all fall under your monthly budget, but be careful, the more issues inflate, the more difficult they are to solve. Break it down - discuss how you (both) will afford her D's vehicle and all surrounding expense. How might the other kids react to the proposed plan? Is a family meeting in order? Should her D be required to have a job and afford car expenses on her own? Does car usage depend on her college grades?
At this point, since this is an issue in disagreement, does W get a second job to afford the car payment? (Realistically speaking, short of HER second job, her D should get a job...wonder if your W realizes that....)
In the end, it is just money, and I am just caving in one more time to what she thinks she needs to do for her daughter. I am trying to NOT feel resentful but inside I have strong resentment at this point.
That is exactly why you should NOT agree until your enthusiastic agreement has been realized. You are placing your marriage in danger by agreeing to something with strong resentment. Her proposal is not the problem, it's how you both are handling it so far.
Do not agree yet - brainstorm.
