Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
once again thank you all for your help. i have the om current address and a certified letter is going to be sent to his wife with copies of the cellphone bill showing how many times they have talked to each other. i have also read the love busters book and his needs, her needs. i agree in the books whole heartedly. but like i have said in previous posts, my wife doesn't agree with them and does not want to work this out. she is living in her own little fantasy world. my goal as of this time is to expose the affair to the omw and take it from there. one goal i have not lost sight of is my girls. i will continue to be the best father for them and continue to be there for them during this rough time in their life. they are what matters most in this. my wife refuses to try and save this marriage even for the kids. so for now i will continue to be there for my kids. it might sound like i'm giving up, but i'm not. i have put it in God's hands. my faith is strong, stronger than ever and whatever plan the good lord has i will go along with it. "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." matthew 6:33.

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
the letter has been sent! a certified letter has been sent to the OMW. it has been restriced so only she can recieve and open the letter. i have done i think all i can to keep him from getting his hands on it first and trying to cover up the story. in the letter i gave her alittle bit of info to go on and offered the rest of the proof in person or on the phone. i have left my cell phone number and my email address and an assurance that i'm not crazy and making this up. i also expressed my wish for her to contact me so i can show her the evidence that i have. 2 things can happen, A: she can atleast raise an eyebrow and look into it and contact me or, B: completely ignore the letter and think i'm a nut. let's pray and hope for choice A. another thing i have to prepare for is the backlash! the backlash from my wife and from the OM. he's threatened me before so i can only expect it from him again. wish me luck and pray for me. thank you.

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Big, humungous congratulations on exposing, reading and posting.

Thank you for your updates, Mikey. I don't know how I missed the one from 8/5...except that I did.

You acted bravely...and let the outcome go, 'k?

Since you read those important books...would you add another one to your list? I think you already read Surviving an Affair by Harley, didn't you? If you have, then would you proceed with two more? "Between Parent and Child" by Eincott...and "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

I'm not wishing you luck...I know God has his arms solidly around you. How do you prepare for backlash? Predetermine your choices...

If OM threatens you, immediately report it to the police. This isn't controlling or retaliatory...it's getting out of the way of his consequences. Terroristic threatening includes saying he'll do you bodily harm or harm to your property or your family. Give any such statements the respect of being true for him...and act on them.

Calmly and with clarity. How to do so calmly? Commit to taking the action and then take it.

Continue to build your Plan A to a dazzling level. Listen and repeat what your WW says...for confirmation or clarification. Learn how your own filter affects your emotions...and allow yourself to be delighted (and share it) when you catch your filter in action, changing her words, or taking them inside you as The Truth instead of HER opinion, 'k?

And do something for me, please...make paragraphs. I want to keep up with you and my eyes aren't what they used to be (I'll let you know when I get Lasik). Paragraphs help me to read what you're sharing. I would really appreciate it.

Don't worry about anyone thinking you're a nut...KNOW you are not. Know your own bravery, your goal, own your choices...and thrive, anyway. That's truly Plan A.

What LBs did you identify as yours...and have you discovered why you chose to do them? Usually, there's a false payoff...and when we learn that they are unacceptable and unnecessary, we see that false payoff as we realize the real payoff in ourselves when we eliminate them.

Thank you for continuing to be here, to post, to fight for your marriage.

In your corner,

LA

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
thank you LovingAnyway for your support and encouragment.

as far as saving my marriage, i'm not sure anymore. i know that in time i will heal and things will be different, but i can't help but feel complete betrayal.

to me i have expierenced the ultimate betrayal. my best friend, my wife has lied to me. she has left me and seen another man. the woman that i trusted to never do anything like that did it and proved me wrong.

she has even said herself that she is affriad that this would happen again and that is one reason why she doesn't want to work things out. how do i deal with that? i know i may be contidicting myself but i don't know if i could ever trust her again.

things won't ever be the same. if i was to take her back and she to take me back. how do you make it the same? or how do you put it behind you and move on?

thank you again though for your help and support. god bless you and your life and marriage. thank you.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 303
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 303
You don't make it the same...that's the whole point. "The same" is what got you to where you are right now, and you don't want that again, do you?

But you can recover, and you can create a new marriage that is BETTER than the one you had before. Obviously the old marriage isn't what you thought it was...the new one, created together can be wonderful.

Your wife is still in there somewhere...right now she has been taken over by the alien WS. You are absolutely right to not want a marriage with the WS...but the WS and your wife are not the same person. The key is to helping your wife break out and become herself again. Exposure and no contact is the first step down that long road (and you've done good so far...don't give up now!).


Me - BW/FWW
Him - FWH/BH
Still figuring it all out - but we're figuring it out TOGETHER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
Great post, Cathy.

Mikey...

Thank you for your blessings...because I am greatly blessed, as is my marriage and my life. Part of those come from MB...because God guided me here, and I listened.

God continues to speak to me here. I keep listening.

You have been betrayed. Reasonable to feel it.

Not reasonable to act on your feelings...to decide your life from them.

First, decide if you're going to live in a future which isn't here or a past which is passed.

All humans suffer and thrive under the same limit...we only have this moment, this right now...the only right thing in life is right now.

If you determine your choice...to fight for your marriage, which car to buy, what you want to feel, based on what might or might not happen in the future, then you are in fantasy. Only one of those three will actually happen. Know which one? The feelings.

You can imagine something happening in the future and you will get an emotional response in yourself...is it real? It's not really happening...feelings can make it seem real, though, can't it?

This is a tool God gave us...imagination. It's part of our creativity, to be used in our growth. If you want to grow bitter, live in the future. If you want increase your fear, live there. What you imagine gives you chemical and emotional changes in your body. It's powerful. Misusing it can destroy instead of create.

Choose wisely.

What you know right now is that the image you had of your wife, her limits and power, weren't real. She remained human...and you chose to believe you were protected from betrayal from her love...did you believe if you earned it well enough, you would be protected?

I ask because what got me through where you are now is seeing all the ways I betrayed myself...whatever was eating me up that my DH was doing, I had to flip it over and find it in myself. How I continually took my focus off of him, his choices (which I couldn't control) and brought home my focus to where only I had control.

I found each time I LB'd that I betrayed myself and my marriage. I examined those LBs (thanks to Pepperband and JustLearning's posts) to really see where I lived in continual self-betrayal...that's not who I really was...and I identified the cycle, the spiral, for every LB, I would then try to erase it with some great act of love...and create and build resentment in myself each time my great of act love didn't get me the response I wanted.

I betrayed myself through my intent, my LBs and what I did to myself, I also did to my half of the marriage.

That was reviewing the past to change my present by changing my beliefs.

And I found how much I dwelled in the future was a real LB...fantasy-based worrying. Which distracted me from my stuff inside...and gave me the feeling I was prepared, in control, of what I could not control...so who really was in fantasy, my WH or me?

Both.

Different kinds.

Listen and repeat is what brought me fully into the present. Zooms and focuses in the right now. What really is right now...so I could bring reality to myself and WH...and get to right here, Mikey...which is nothing like it was...not the same...because we are not who we were.

And who we are now is not who we will be.

Thriving is an upward spiral...very real, no fantasy.

Where does imagination aid us? Lots of ways...but just like any tool in God's design, taken to an extreme, it's equally destructive, harmful. Not enough and we don't grow...too much and we lose reality.

Use your imagination as God intended...to see where you can have a marriage filled up feeling loved and loving...caring and care-filled...respectful and respected...trustworthy and trusting...two whole, complete and equal human partners growing side by side, from choice.

And I do not trust my DH blindly, as I did before. I trust myself fully...for God is with me and I'm on his road, with him.

LA

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
i have identified the LB's that i was doing. my wife has no intention of saving this marriage. she has told me that she knows how i am and that this could never be again.

she says that she could never be married to me anymore and in the future. she is completely focused right now on the divorce and her future.

i know what i have to do is give it time and show her how i changed and how things could be different. but like i have said in posts before, she wants no part of it.

i've told her that it can be different and that it could be better. she says the same thing over and over, no it can't i know you. plus she has said i don't want it to be you.

like i said, i'm not giving up but, i'm just letting time run it's course and following whatever path the good lord puts me on.

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 9
S
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 9
Mikey077,

I can hear in your voice the pain and frustration. I have been and to a degree still where you are. I wish there was a definite timeline to which all of this were to work, but it's not. cases are different, and so are the people involved...so don't hear me or anyone else talk about our woes and get discouraged. With that in mind, I am providing for you this link in hopes that you are inspired and recharged in your eforts to believe what your wife (as for now) says she does not....which is that there is hope. Been there, heard all that. Please go here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=43&page=1

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 303
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 303
Mikey, are the changes you are attempting to make changes that needed to be made anyway (regardless of the status with your wife)? In other words, are you making changes in yourself ONLY to try to get your wife back? If so, then you are insincere in your changes and she is seeing right through that.

Plan A is to make positive changes in yourself, changes that will help you be okay in the long run, no matter what happens between you and your wife. The changes you make in yourself ARE NOT ABOUT HER. You don't make positive improvements in yourself only to please her. (right now nothing will please her anyway...especially not anything you do for her!) You make positive changes in spite of her, in spite of your pain. You make long lasting changes that will improve your life, with or without her.

Exercise, take up a hobby, get your life organized, lose weight, start coaching little league.......whatever! But your decision to start making changes shouldn't be based on whether or not they will woo her back...that's not the point.

The changes most likely to have a startling affect on her is the lack of love busters. Right now that's probably all she'll notice...and that's a great start too.


Me - BW/FWW
Him - FWH/BH
Still figuring it all out - but we're figuring it out TOGETHER <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
the changes i'm making in my life are ones that need to be done regardless. they are things that i have come to realize through this divorce and on my own.

being a little more social,outgoing,motivated and not so grumpy. my job had alot to do with my attitude. and while is was making good money and had good benefits, i could no longer work from 11pm to 7am anymore. did it for 8 years.

and while i was doing what was needed to to be done as far as a roof over our heads, food on the table and so on. something else was being sacrificed and we didn't see it until it was too late.

she got use to being by herself. i slept during the day and was at work at night. the 2 days i had off were not enough to make up for what was lost. and anyone who has worked those hours knows what it can do to a person's attitude.

i tried my hardest to stay up and not get cranky and spend time with her and the kids. i spent every waking minute i had with them.

those hours are finished! never will i put her through that or anyone else if it comes to that. money can be made up in other ways. bills can be cut down to save money and so on.

she also started working about 2 years ago and developed an independent attitude. she said she started to realized that she didn't need me and that she could do things on her own. she saw that she could make money and that she was good at her job and that it just boosted her confidence.

this is what i'm up against on top of the OM. which i might add, his wife must have gotten the letter cause he's been calling me. and he has had some pretty nasty things to say on my voicemail. i have just ignored him and not answered the phone when he calls.

i do though hang on to a small thread of hope that it will be worked out. but like i said, a small thread. thank you all again and God bless.

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
i know that there is no timeline to when or if this will end. but as of right now there seems to be no change in my wife.

she has told me that her decision hasn't changed. even thoough sometimes she opens up to me and starts telling me why she feels this way or why she thinks she feels this way. but the next time we talk a wall goes up and i hit it.

i have gotten this wall down before. how do i get it to stay down?

again your adive and help is greatly appreciated. thank you all again. god bless.

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
it also seems to me that she's having alot of fun with her friend from work. no body she works with is married. or they are divorced and have nobody to answer to for the things they do.

i feel that she is caught up in that too. i know it's all good to hang out with friends. i did. but that is another thing she seems to like to do when she's not with the kids.

i can't help but think it's some kind of mid life crisis. god help me! thank you all again and god bless.

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
M
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 29
it is over! i'm sorry to say it but it is. she has refused to work this out for anything and i can no longer take her and her lying.

the good news is that i moved back in the house and told her to leave. the kids stay with me. it's the same as what we've been doing, just she's out and i'm in. not the other way around.

i finally found the courage to do it and i thank you all because it came from you guys. you all helped me see that i'm not wrong here. you all gave me the courage to stand up and fight. and i am.

thank you all very much. and god bless each and every one of you in your lives and in your marriages. i'll still be hanging around to continue posting. so this isn't goodbye to you all. again thank you all very much.

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 134 guests, and 69 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Jmoor9090, Confused1980, Bibbyryan860, Ian T, SadNewYorker
71,841 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5