Rin,

Definately, without a doubt, you are an MB personsal recovery success story!



LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT! You need to print this out, keep it in your pocket, and pull it out at those times you need a little reminder!

You should feel extremely proud of being able to share with SD the things that you have about the abuse. That is such a HUGE recovery step!

I don't think it's that you don't 'care' about their reaction, but you have put it in it's proper place and that is with THEM, not with you. In addition, you have found positive, non-accusatory ways in which you are able to communicate!

Read your post again & FEEL how AWESOME it is! I have goose bumps just reading it!

Way to go Angel!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Morning! I haven't had the best or the last two days but it's not the worst either...

I mentioned feeling uncomfortable well, I realize that what I'm feeling is guilt associated with me realizing that I was codependent in my M...

I have been having an overwhelming feeling to make amends to POWS, I spoke with my Spon. about it but I feel that I need to talk to her more now that I realize I'm feeling guilty...

I talked to her about making amends with POWs and the way that I was going to do that was simply include a Christmas card to POWS when the boys gave him his Christams gift...simply saying:

"Thank you for your time all these years. I'm sorry for any pain and hurt that I caused you. I hope that you have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year's!

I feel that's all I need to do in relation to him...I do want to say more but feel that I can write a letter saying everything that I need to and just keep it...

I don't want to give him anything that you can use to his advantage with me...

I also realize that I need to make amends to myself and work on forgiving myself but I have no clue how to do that!

I'm trying to develope a new Relationship with POWS, strickly coparenting, and I find myself fearful of opening up to him with just that, allowing him in my life even that small bit...

It's in our paperwork to have contact with each other in regards to the kids wellfare, of course...I got a call from one of OS's teachers yesterday afternoon...so I TMed POWS this morning with a brief desciption:

One of OS's teachers called yesterday, excessive talking, drawing, and incomplete classwork. D in conduct!

He TMed back that he would talk to him tonight. i replied with Thx! And he TMed: No prob.

WEll, I'm fearful that having contact with him will open up my feelings for him...not like you stop loving someone, no matter what the history is...but I have to do this, foremost for me, and for the boys...

Any suggestions, thoughts, would be greatly appreciate...even some reassurance that I'll be okay that I'm strong enough to change this Relationship and be okay...thoughts on making amends to him and to myself...how to deal with the guilt and fear...

I'm open to anything and really need some support...I even sense some anxiety but it's ntohing like I've felt in the past...in the past it was a completely overwhelming sensation like everything in the world wasn't right...it's just uncomfortable...I'm not okay with the way I feel right now...

Last night I woke up again with dreams, this time it wasn't a nightmare but it wasn't any fun either...so I have a lot of work to do for myself right now...but I am completely grateful that I have the awareness to determine what I'm feeling right now...it's still all new to me...

I even find myself resistant to my relationships with OP even here...trying to make sure that I rely on my internal feelings for what I need and I'm not relying on the external...

I do have plans to find that book that was recommended...

"Co-Dependent No More" is an excellent book. In fact, I've thought of recommending it to you before. Actually, I took a class on this book at a church while my DH and I were separated. It was THEN that I began to let go. My eyes were opened wide.

Nine months, huh? Here's an analogy for you. It takes nine months to prepare for birth. I'd say you've been going along "preparing" and "nesting". You are in the throes of labor right about now. Birthing a new you. Discovering things about yourself that you were emotionally unable to see a few months ago. Labor is HARD but the pain goes away almost instantly at the time of birth. You remember the pain but you just don't feel it anymore.

I'm so proud of you Rin. You have grown so much.

WOW, I forgot today was making NINE months...

PM, I really like the way that you put that...right before I read your post I was starting to feel overwhelmed and feeling like I was going crazy which signaled that I had felt this before and didn't know how to deal with it...

This would have sent me into crisis mode...

So I looked up how to deal with guilt and was reading that, then I came here and you helped make sense of it for me...

:lowering my head: Thank you for being proud of me...

OKAy, my self-esteem is taking a hit with this too...just realized that...

I think that I have to keep in the forefront of my mind that this is a long term effect of abuse and that I was not doing this on purpose, and not to be so hard on myself...

I was completely unaware of what I was doing at the time...I would like to think that had I known I would have choosen differently...

Then I wonder should I even make amends for something that I was unaware of doing...yeah, i think I should, it was still a mistake...I mean the WS is unaware of the damage that they are doing at the time too and it's needed for the BS that amends be made for them to move on...and I've strived to be the lighthouse...so, regardless of his reaction i need to make amends for me in this case...but at the same I don't want to hand him over an excuse to blame me more than he already does...enable him...

My program teaches me that I should make amends unless it is harmful to others...it this case would I be harming him by enabling him...I'm not asking for forgivness, I don't need it...whether he forgives me for my mistakes as his wife are not important now...it was at one point...

Which with that said my fear is decreased about opening up to him...I think that I need to explore that as a separate issue unrelated to this one...

I think that I just need to know that what I'm experiencing is normal...

Thank you PM, I greatly appreicate your time and energy...it's given me the opportunity to examine it more...and of course for the backup on the book...I'm going to head over to the used bookstore at lunch...

I have a couple more things that came to mind...

I guess I'm working towards forgivness...

One, even through I made mistakes in the M, I don't think that it gave him the right to treat me the way he did...and of course, I understnd better how I allowed that treatment to take place...but I was not his material object to trade for his own selfish demands...

Second, is whether or nor I truely need to be forgiven for my mistakes from POWS...I did cause him pain and hurt...I know this...I also know that because of his behavior in the past that he has not forgiven me for it because he would over time continue to being things up in a negative way...whether this was to make me feel guilty to do the things that he wanted me to or not, I will never know...

The fact remains that I did cause him pain and suffering...in my eyes at least...

So that's a few more things to add to the pot...

Okay, I called the bookstore and they have codependent no more AND beyond codependency! I got the last one b/c I'm not sure where to go from here...obviously forward...

So they will be waiting for me at the desk at lunch...

I did read a little bit of the first book online...Jesus how I can relate!

I am feeling better than I did this morning, the guilt was hitting me pretty hard.

I'm also very tired...I went home for lunch yesterday, fell asleep, and got back to work late after my boss called to check on me...

AND I'm so tired today too, that's why I called in advance so that I can pick them up and go home to take a nap...hopefully that will ehlp me this afternoon...cause I sure am having a rough morning trying to staying awake...

I'm still reading my BOUNDARIES BOOK but I think that i'm going to have to put that one on the back burner for a little while...

hI aLL! I finally hit the nail on the head...I've read over 50 pages since lunch, highlighted tons of stuff and know exactly what I need to continue to do to move forward...

FOCUS ON ME AND MT NEEDS...

All this time I looked at PA behavior...verbal/emotional abuse (and there was some of that)...my core problem is I am/was codependent...it drove me insane that he watched porn, read porn, dealt with OW...the whole time I was trying to control and on this last A...I became obsessed...when I Med him, he was cheating on me...I second guessed myself standing at the end of the isle but choice to follow through with it b/c it was better than returning home to me and I was 5 months pregnant with OS...I knew I wouldn't be accepted at home being pregnant for POWS...

I so deseparly wanted to be loved, accepted, approved of...this made it easy for me to accept his reality...

I was not taught boundaries either growing up so I'm had to learn those on the way also...

Then I was the over-responsible one and he was not...

Even before marriage I kept telling myself that things would get better, tht he would mellow out when he got older...

I lived in denial...the worst thing I think I told myself was that he wouldn't cheat on me anymore b/c we was scaried of catching something...so I betrayed myself at the same time he betrayed me...I trusted a person that was untrustworthy...that was more concerned about himself then him or his family...

I feared his anger, my world revovled around him and his schedule, his plans...and if my world revolved around him then so did the kids b/c I was primary care giver...

I read the first story in the book and could identify completely with Jessica"...the anger, the hate, the thoughts that she had, the lack of energy, her behaviors...

So Hi I'm Rin, and I'm recovering from codependency! It's a long term result of being sexaully/physically/verbally and emotional abused as a child by my alcoholic SD...I have been victimization 4 additional time in my life, completely unrelated to me marriage and today I'm doing my best to break the cycle in my life...the plan of action that I plan to take is to remain in AL-anon and stay aware of myself and MY life...

Somehow I almost feel like I need a name change at this point! i'm no longer striving4better, I AM BETTER!

Talk about some O&H there!

Nice to meet you Rin!

I have a feeling you have been quiet this weekend because you are reading, reading, reading! So glad that you are finding such benefit from that book.

You know, I have that here somewhere,,,,I think I might dig it out and read it again myself.

Just wanted to say hi! You sound great. I know you are really excited but remember to slow down and take the time to absorb, re-read, and continue to benefit from your learning!

Morning Bugs! Actually, Friday night I went to my Spon.'s and had dinner, and last night, another friend cooked dinner for me...I ended up drinking TOOOOO MUCH and spent the night! I sobber up this morning after a few cups of coffee! We had one BIG bottle of wine, other little bottle, started on another but I didn't like that one, and a few beers to go with it!

I had a great time and laughed so much and so hard...then we sat outside this morning watching the clouds roll in, trying to figure out what was so funny last night! LSU had a great game! Supper was horrible but that's what you get with some drunk people...

I haven't read a whole lot...yesterday morning I went shopping, finished Christmas for the boys...I had to wrap those up, get them under the tree, and do some cleaning around the house...I'm really surprised I don't have a hang over but my cure all hasn't failed me yet...two glasses of water and two tylenol before bed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm going to get around to do that stuff but I'm going to relax on the sofa and nap a little...we ended up going to bed a little after 2:30 this morning and the dog woke ME up wanting to go outside...I've made a friend for life...I gave him a bath last night! LOL

We plan on cutting loose again in a few weeks... really needed it and I enjoyed myself SOOOO much!

So that's what I've been up too...big difference from the past, I would have had that book read by tonight...but rushes haven't got me a darn place...LOL

Hope you have a great one! I AM!

GEAUX TIGERS!!!!!

Rin,

Glad you had such a good time this weekend! Sounds Perfect to me!

About this -



I am SO Glad to hear you say this! That was my concern. You found some great information and are getting so much out of it, but you don't need to rush through it. In fact, taking your time is the Best way to get the Most out of it.

Pats on the back for recognizing your past behavior of rushing through it!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Have a Great week!

Good Morning BUGS! Thanks for everything, I don't get a whole lot of posts this days...so I really appreciate the feedback, helps keep me in check you know?

Last night I was working on the Christmas lights outside when POWS and the boys showed up...POWS and I had a great conversation, of course, I was in a great mood...

He told me what they did during the weekend...there was one thing I wasn't happy about but I didn't say anything...I have to call him today about scheduling during the Christmas holidays and I will discuss it with him then...same thing as you and Drac...OS was allowed to go to the skating rink, both of them actually, there was a lock in...not I wouldn't have been able to do that and I wouldn't have done that but his parenting IS different from mine...

I had to accept that his style is different from mine and what he may do with the kids...I may not like it but I do have to accept it...

So I only want to ask if he spoke with OS about his behavior...

Outside of that, I told him that I would be out-of-state for New year's...I'll be visiting a new state, making my second, excuse me, third flight ever, and attending an awesome sporting event!! No better way in my mind to bring in the New Year...different, different, different...I think representative of my new life...and I'm so excited that I COULD NOT SLEEP last night, I was like a little kid waiting for Santa to come...

I'd lay there and try, but it wasn't happening, so I went on-line and looked at the trampolines, but that wasn't happening so I got the boys one of those bound houses! Laid back down but was still thinking about the weekend and the NEw year's...FINALLY I went to sleep about 4...

I was thinking about what I need to bring, buy for the trip, just anything, I'm so excited...I haven't done a whole lot of traveling so I'm so stroked!!

It's nice to not have the "noise" of POWs in my head like LA mentioned...

Hope you have a great week too BUGS!! Take care!

You have your lights up, FINISHED your Christmas Shopping, wrapped it AND have a tree already up to put it all under????

If you're thinking about going to another state, come up here and help me! I haven't started ANY of that yet .... no shopping, certainly no wrapping, and we won't even have a tree 'till next weekend .... no idea when it will get put up and decorated. And outside christmas lights? HA! We usually don't get around to gettting those up until about December 23rd and get around to taking them down around March something.

So, little miss organized whirlwind ..... I think you'll have to come help me figure out how to get it all done! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

LMAO...the difference is I have a lot of time to myself! No kids...

I don't have ALL of my shopping done...I still hav to bring the boys to shop for POWS...and I have other presents to get too! I still have a christmas light problem to fix and I'm not decorating the rest of the house this year...

I didn't feel like doing the lights outside, I just don't feel like going through all the stuff that I've done in the past...the entire living room would be done and the dining room table and I'm just not up to it this year...

That's why last night, I made myself go outside and start...now once I started I was fine...it's just getting started...

I would LOVE to come visit you sometime...Oh, this will get you...I mailed most of my Christmas cards Saturday...I ran out of stamps and couldn't find YOUR address, among others I was looking for! LOL

Have a great day!

Rin

Okay, i'm here thinking out load...a few minutes ago I heard myself say in my head..."Boy, I'm really screwed up!" and you know I didnt hear that b/f...then, I realized that I'm holding myself accountable for something I'm not...a place that I'm not...

So I hear myself today kicking myself over and over again and I just didn't hear that before...I didn't realize that I sent myself these messages...

Sitch came up and I realized that I saw myself as the lesser person...comparing my moral beliefs to that of another person...

Thing is how DO "I" stop this...how do I move from subconsciously kicking myself to feeling that I am a person of value and equal to the outside world...

This reminded me of the other day when i said that my self-esteem had taken a hit admitting to being COdependent...I always thought that I felt pretty good about myself...

But now, I heard myself saying that I'm a bad influence...now, I know that's not the case b/c I can not influence anyone unless they make that choice...I "know" that I don't have that kind of power...so what?

You know thinking back I can remember holding myself to high standards and felt defeated when I didn't accomplish those...sounds to me like I have to admit that I AM human and that I am not perfect...

I don't understand how I can send myself Double messages? Like : You're good but not as good as ____! (Fill in your person, place or thing!)

I'm a little confused on this right now...

Rin:

Can't help much with the co-dependency stuff.....

But wanted to post that I read your Thread EVERY DAY.

I might not post. But I read it. You are doing amazing things.

Please do NOT forget that.

Enjoy your Bowl game. I AM very Jealous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

((((RIN))))

LG

HEllo LG, I greatly appreciate you stopping by...you couldn't have posted on a better day...my internet's been down since I got home and I was falling into a ditch...

The boys argued all night long, I couldn't get my BRAND new Christmas lights to work on that new fence I have...I was really tired...

I cooked, then the weight of ME hit and I was suddenly exhausted, I had to tell the boys that I needed a nap...I woke up to the two of them going back and forth...I was not in the best of moods on that one...I hate being woken up, always have...grouchy bear I am!

So I blew a gasket, sent YS to bed early, he kept backtalking, and I didn't have the mental tolerance to do anything else with him tonight...THEN, OS announced that he had punish work b/c he didn't complete an assignment this weekend b/c he was at his dad's and dad was constantly going somewhere....

I looked at him and said No, you chose not to make the time, if you had told your dad he would have made you do it. So, I picked up the phone and made him call his dad and tell him what happened and what he had to do b/c of it...OS changed his story to ...ready...."I forget!"

I didn't ask what was said, that's between the two of them, just wanted POWS to know that OCCASIONALLY OS has homework on the weekend and maybe should ask...I left it alone after that...OS completed the punishwork and was sent to bed...

It's one of those nights that I'm wondering HOW IN THE WORLD am I going to get these boys grown...I'm sure that I can't be alone in this but some days I really want to give up...

LG thank you for keeping up with me, that means alot...I promise I won't forget and I'll think of you while I'm there...t-shirt? LOL...

I SOOOO wish I could be in the Dome to watch the REALLLLL tigers but with tickets starting at a grant, that WILL NOT HAPPEN!!! I'm just thrilled to be able to watch them in the championship game!!!!

I'm hoping that Flynn's shoulder is better by then, I'm sure it will be, but I'm happy to have someone so diverse at Perilloux to be backup...AND LES MILES IS STAYING, smart man from my POV...just think how much they are going to want to offer him NOW!! Great career move IMHO!

I think this is going to be an interesting game, but Ohio's going to have a rough time of it...whether they have the ball or we do I think that we're going to dominate...It will be close...

Whatcha thin'?

HI all! It's been an interesting day...I came home for lunch and overslept...got back to work 30 minutes late...

The car didn't act like it wanted to start this morning...and then when I went to pick up YS from the sitter's the car was making a horrible sound like it does from time to time...and the sitter's boyfriend heard it...

So we talked about it and what it COULD be and I told him that I was going to stop by the autoparts store and get tehm to run an electrical test...sure enough, well, I thought it was the alternate but it was the battery...so I came home, changed the battery...got to use my new tool set...lost one of the sockets in the car and I can't get to it!!!

Got that finished and went pick up the kids from religion, and returned the old battery...I'm just sitting down...AND I made a point to call my mom and thank her AGAIN for sending my Christmas money early BECAUSE that was what got my Mechanic tool set, which here I am what three, four days later HAVING TO USE IT!!!!

God's timing! I'm so happy to have what I need, despite POWS effects, to get the things that I need done...AND I get to celebrate changing my first battery out tonight! WHOOHOOO!!!

Just call me the Rinster!! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rinster:

I'm A TIGER fan for THIS one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do you know that a Buckeye in nothing but a worthless nut? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

And don't be TOO SURE about Mr Miles heading back to Michigan....

Whos that coach at Alabama? Mr. Miles seems a bit more honest than that.....

LG

Hey LG, I don't doubt that he will go but I don't see him going right now...

I honestly think that it will be after next season...that's where he wants to be...

Perhaps I'm living in denial, wishing that he will remain for ONE MORE YEAR...what he's got three more years to live off of Saber's recruiting...we will see what Mr. Miles' word stands for, huh?

AND thank you for gathering that wonderful piece of information on the buckeye...LMAO....

On the car subject, changing that battery last night seems to have solved another car issue...it didn't occur to me that the ignition would be affected...I had the switch changed out months ago and my key was still getting stuck but not since yesterday...

well, time to tend to the kids...OS just got home and YS is asleep in my bed...Kindergarden wears him out...LOL