Thanks guys! I appreciate that Sis!

waiting on the boys to go to sleep now!

STBX will be here at 8am...I have a little more to say but I'll post it later!

Good night guys!

Merry Christmas Rin,

May it be a blessed one for you.

Bracha

Thank you and same to you!

Hello, ALL! It's been a great day! STBX was here at 8 this morning! Stuck around until about 12...

No big deal...he did try coming on to me while he was here...something was said and I said you have a GF...his reply was "Yeah, and I also have a W!"

I said "only for the next three months, actually 88 days!"

He said that was cold and laughed...he also tried giving me a peck on the mouth before he left...I turned me face and let him kiss my cheek...

So, LOL...I don't know if he thought I was going to allow him to have his cake and eat it too or what...but that wasn't going to fly with this woman...

I thought here he is thinking that I would just allow him to I don't know sleep with me or whatever he thought he was going to get AND HE HAS A GF...No, thanks, I'm not about to be the OW...

It didn't bother me at all...I wrote it off...I'm standing my ground! Sticking to my guns...

So, HOMIE's got A LONG WAY TO GO...

Outside of that, I went down to my family's for lunch...HN2's stepson was over and it was the only day that the boys would get to play with him, so they stayed there and played until this afternoon...

After they came home, we were visit a friend, and then by Spon.'s house! We're settled in for the night...I have A TON of food that I was send home with...LOL...I won't need to cook for awhile...and I talked to my mom and she will be headed this way tomorrow...SD will probably not come...and I'll be off so I can tag along with her.

I'm looking forward to it and I actually hope that it's just her! So, any thought on the day...the wonderful "dumbtisity" my STBX? LOL...That was so funny! I think I had the perfect comeback for his statement!

Definitely old stuff still there...like when he told me that he liked having his W and GF at the same time! Shame!

Merry Christmas Rindy.

Do you see how utterly disrespectful this comment was? It shocked me!

And then he LAUGHED...after you pointed out the closeness of your divorce.

IMHO, you have been showing very, very fuzzy boundaries with him letely. Please protect yourself against him.

Please step back and look at how disgusting his words and behavior were.

I truly hope you and the kids had a great day.

MEDC

Rin,

Ok,,,,,I have to say that I rather agree with MEDC on WH's nasty comments.

FABULOUS comeback on your part,,,,but my stomach flipped when reading the entire exchange.

You KNOW that you ARE allowing him to cake eat, right? The huge opening you have given him is allowing him to do that. There need not be kissing, touching, etc for it to be cake eating.

He is reaping benefits from being around you, interacting with you at ALL, let alone the bantering, joking, inclusion with the boys, and then the minor physical contact.

Tell me, what do you REALLY think about this comment



For now, I'm going to let this sit and wait for you to tell me after considering everything that happened,,,I would like you to replay it all and really think about it. THEN, tell me what you think.

{{Rin}}

I have been thinking about it all day...and I agree with the two of you...

I have just been figuring out how I'm going to handle it that's all...state some clear boundaries, etc...

Still same old same old...it reminded me of guys coming on to me and me telling them that I had a H and them saying what does he have to do with me...completely disrespectful...

So, I just need to go back to where I was or state some clearer boundaries...I don't know what but something need to be done...

I personally think that he was disrespectful not only to me, but to the remaining part of the M, and also to GF...

I don't even think he realized what he did, but I will speak up!

BTW, I'm not hurt by this...I'm not even disappointed...FYI!

Ok,,,, good.

I feel better now! You had me more than a little worried.

I'm still going to ask for you to update after a day of thinking about it more.

You are right in that it is just as bad,,,,well actually it is WORSE than those guys coming on to you like that. This man IS still your H.

I "Almost" went on a Dennis Miller like rant there,,but stopped myself. I had a whole lot of stuff on the tips of my fingers,,,,,,but I promised myself to give you first chance to comment and I will stick to that. I recognize I am in a 'ranting' type mood tonight.

So, I will stop here and say I anxiously await hearing how you intend to 'speak up' about it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I thought about it...

Hold on having TM with STBX now...I'll write what's happening in a minute...

I TMed him to find out what time the he was picking up the kids...

He said after lunch, then came back and said that he wasn't in a hurry...

So, I replied with: I just wanted to have them prepared, after ur parting comment @ ur W and GF, I'd rather not be SO friendly with u! That was like a guy asking me what my H had to do with him? Disrespectful to all parties.

He replied:Not what I ment at all. Sorry it was taken that way.

Me: Perhaps more time is needed, let's stick to the kids...

STBX: OK, just so you know I have enjoyed getting to know you all over again

(bad move on my part): It was nice, I understand u have 2gf's! Enjoy them!

STBX: Rin, one step at a time is all I ask...

STBX: I do not have two gfs

ME: ok, call me about the camper thing when you get back...

STBX: I will!

Rindy...can I ask you a question?

Why are you engaging him in these conversations? I think I am confused as to your motivations at this point. If you guys keep on discussing this stuff...eventually you are going to wind up letting your guard down too far.

Please be careful.

OK, I think you must make it VERY clear what IS or Is NOT acceptable. He's checking out the sitch,,,,,,,,,pushing the limits to see what they are.

Make it CLEAR what the limits are. He seems amiable to it. Even if he's NOT, you must do this for you.

Right??!!

Semi PLan A, I guess...

....I'm doing my best MEDC...

dipping my toe in the water...I KNOW he wants to be back, but he's just as scared as I am...I see him trying...but it's going to take a hold lot of time...and work...

BUGS, I firmly believe that he is sincere...and that's me knowing him...he's not pushing anything...

Remember there no plan B letter...no clear path...I even have a better understand why he was losing his temper at teh end, b/c that wasn't him in all the time that I've known him...only once did he ever get violent and that was to protect me and OS, when he was an infant...we were in Houston visiting and something happened...he punched the guy and knocked him down, blood fell and STBX lost it...he had no more trouble after that...OS was a little over a year at the time...

Once in fourteen years, until things got bad at teh end...Mimi has mentioned things like what happened to us, happening to her and her H...

I got a few more TMs...one of which was : One day at a time and the other said that he understood, I'm still apart of his heart no matter how he tries to hide it and that this morning was wonderful and he missed those morning...

So..........................hmmm......

Oh, another TM was: no games, you nor I need or ahve time for that...

I forgot to include that one!

I think it was YOU the other day that mentioned having to be CAREFUL about re-writing history, wasn't it?

Just another reminder for you to stop and do a check for yourself.

It 'sounds' like there's a lot of potential on the part of STBX. But, remember, it's ACTIONS. What ACTIONS,,,,,,other than taking advantage of the open door you have provided is he taking?

That is the key in the coming days.

And, what are your plans for laying out the CONDITIONS for moving forward from here? If you wait too long before laying them out there for him, you are only inviting heartache, I fear.

Rinder...has he returned your tools? Has he given back anything else that he has stolen from you? Please keep your eyes wide open.

Rindy..what do you want? Do you really want him back? Really? Or is it the holidays driving this bus? I got the impression based on a few emails that you are ready to move on. if that's not the case, I would respect your decision...but I guess I am a bit confused.

So, what do you want?

The reality as far as I can see it is ...you have a man that isn't taking any steps....who TODAY showed himself to be of little character and show even less concern for your feelings.

I know this is hard...I know you are doing your best...but NOW is the time for clear thinking and decisive actions. Look at what it took you to get back to the position you are now in. Don't let a little inappropriate attention from your STBX start muddying up the water.

Sleep well friend. i am off to bed.

MEDC (Robert)

MEdC...no he hasn't returned the tools...I haven't spoken to HIM about it...and the laywers have been really slow about this stuff...I don't think it's been address TBH...b/c of the paperwork JUST being filed on the 8th of this month...so they haven't touched property stuff...

I want him back but no in the same capacity...I've made that clear...I can't do anything about his stuff...I'm following through with the D...and I can't sit back and not go on with my life...the next 88 days is not enough time to DO what he needs to do...heck...it's taken me almost two years to get to where I am...major changes being away from him...

If I had IC I might have gotten here faster...it's knowing that the A was a symptom of other problems...hmmm....with me...acting out from the sexual abuse a s a child...the codependency...no boundaries...no self esteem...being a people pleaser...conflict avoidance on my part...

STBX has done TONS of damage...but I have too...

I recently learned that because of MY history I had a tendency to blow things out of proportion...result of alcoholism and the abuse...

I have alot of journals from the past twenty years, well, more...I need to read through them...see what was and what's not...I know one thing everyone was surprised and never thought that STBX would have cheated on me...they said that he spoke so highly of me and how much he loved me....and we're not talking just two or three people...we're talking baker's dozen...


I need to think...I'm not in a rush...and I'm trying HARD to live in reality...

I need to write a letter...but I have to think about it...

There are things that I see that he's doing outside of this...

STBX has not once had the kids around OW here...this I know...

STBX, and this may not seem like a big thing but it is, did not go to his Christmas party, he put the kids before himself...BIG WOW...and everyone that I have mentioned that to here is like WOW!!!

Following through...like the recent visit Sunday night I wasn't excepting...he has been on time with CS since court back in Sept...Come to think about it...that's when i can go back to and say that's he been constant...that was a huge reality hit for him and I knew it would be...

I need to write...I see negatives and positives...for me...I remember the bad and the good...not ALL was bad but not ALL was good...

I don't think that it's time to go back to my cave right now...I love the principles of MB, but MB was not working for me in the beginning...and I'm not looking to Recon. in the next year...TBH...I'm not looking for IMMEDIATE STUFF HERE...There's alot of past issues, with the whole open M and stuff...my childhood issues...his childhood issues...but I do see a chance...I've been growing...he JUST started...just started thinking and realizing some things...

I have to allow him time to grow...Plenty of room b/c I enabled for so long...being codependent myself, I still have a long ways to go...still learning boundaries...I didn't stick to what I said in the past...I have to be consistent...show that I have gained respect for myself...reteach how I want to be teached...to me that involves interaction...how else does one learn?

Okay...I haven't been in crisis mode in a really long time...but I was tonight...it was having to do with my thinking about the damage that I did in the marriage...

I never really owning my part of it all...I mean I knew I did this but it really hit me all at once...like everything came together and I felt SOOOO bad...I mean truely, TRUELT remorseful and it was midnight!

I just laid down in bed and I started crying and realized that I was emotional...I wanted to call STBX SOOOO bad and alopoize for all of the thigns that I did...then thought that was not the greatest idea but I needed to tlak to someone...so I ran through my list and called Spon...I just got off the phone with her...

I'm calm again and she affirmed that I do have a good head on my shoulders...she has seen a change in STBX...as well as me, huge changes there and she seems to think that the changes that I have made are affecting STBX...

We talked about me protecting myself...sticking to the boundaries...even the ones that I made tonight...making sure that I keep that line drawn in the sand...

I had notice extreme changes in the kids of late...even the dog is calmer...all of which are more well behaved...

we talked about staying on the course that I'm on...no letter...no path back...remaining the lighthouse...distancing...sticking to the kids...she said that the conversations that i have had with STBX (almost called him POWS)...have been good...O&H statement, not giving to much info...

She said that she thought that the invite for STBX to spend the night was a bit much on my part, because I am so giving...I said I was happy that he didn't accept and she said that she told that STBX recogized that and feelings that he has had alot of awareness in his life also and that the turning point was our court date...that losing in court was a blow to his reality...

She thinks that he will have another blow come this property settlement...I mentioned what I was thinking about the kids college fund that I would like to set up and retirement for me with the settlement...

There was alot of validation on the things that I am doing...saying...we walked through the memories of last year and how STBX wasn't standing up and doing the things that he needed too...with me, the M, and the kids...

Also, how tonight was like an epiphany for me and another level of maturity/growth on my part...and that she felt that STBX was going to have some epiphanies of his own in addition to what he has already...like I've been saying he's got a long road ahead of him but he's on the right course...

SHe reminded me about opening up to much...and that she's concerned about that...also related it to something I could understand, so I have that straight in my head...

So here's my plan...do nothing...like I said earlier tonight we're sticking to the kids...

SPon. also said that she didn't think he realized what he said was disrespectful at all...not with his background that it would take some work on his part to change that thinking...God, I know how hard that is...

The best thing about him that we see is the changes he has made in regards to the kids...he has really stepped up to the plate in that area...it's not all a me, me sitch for him anymore...just have to pray that doesn't change...

So, I have to sit with myself for awhile...the time that the kids are gone and process what I've learned about myself tonight...ask myself for forgiveness because at the time I didn't know better...SPon. said same is true of STBX...that he didn't know better...I'm also to write, but I do that here...so that's not a problem...

All in all I got my 2X4, not that I really thought of them that way, and I got my validation...that I'm on the right track for me...

We're going to met for coffee tomorrow night, I have a meeting to chair before my trip at the new meeting place that we worked so hard to open...so we're going to that also...

Well, I need to head to bed...LOL...I think that's the shortest time I have been in crisis mode...but today I know what to do and I took care of myself...

Thank YOU ALL FOR SUPPORTING me and putting out the caution cones...your concern and care...I am grateful always...

Rin

(((Rin)))

The Holidays are ripe for such crisis'.. I'm glad to see you found someone good to talk to, and are sticking to your guns. Now that STBX is making moves, is time to shore up those boundaries and make sure they're firm.. there are some things Rin just should not compromise.. I'm glad to see you're in a good space.