Good Morning! I guess I have still been on a rollercoaster...but it hasn't really felt like that to me because the feelings haven't been as intense...you know?

It's been more on an even keel, except for when I was wanting to pull away from everyone...

I don't think that he's been pushing the buttons, I think that I have been pushing my own with my thoughts, dwelling on the future and the past...that wishful thinking...

Like someone here told me: Wishin' in one hand and sh!tin' in the other...this is me doing to me...wishing things would be different is fantasy world, I have always struggled with that...I was always wishing that he would change...I remember thinking that when he got older he would calm down, mellow out...be a better husband and father...

A hurry hasn't gotten me anywhere, wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere, well, standing my ground has and I have to stick to that!

I need to get me back under control...my focus had gone a rye..I need to be pragmatic...concentrate on what I need and want...

So, the goal here is getting the best...the best life that I can have with or without someone in my life...right now, I have the best life that I can have...by myself...and Frog was right...everyone was right...I would rather have nothing than take second best...No settling!

I have worked hard to get to where I am today...I have learn so much...I thing the main thing in my life is that the world doesn't revolve around sex...God, the things that I have learned...I'll never graduate from the school of life...ever changing and growing...

I lost my drive for a little while...but I have that back...that's what I lose and need to stand up for myself and my kids...we deserve nothing less and I have to keep on THAT track...

I know what I need to do it's focusing and pulling myself back on the straight and narrow when I start to veer...

Rin,

So, what's the plan for the week. I hear you saying you are calling the attorney about the truck issue, the CS, and are you pushing thru on the D, too?

Refresh my memory,,,what's the timeline right now on that?

Also, what's your plan for communication with WS moving forward? Are you going to allow and continue to respond to calls & TMs. or are you going to go dark?

Again, don't go jumping into actions without thinking about the longer term plan & all that needs to go with that.

{{{Rin}}}

LOL...I'm doing great! Tomorrow I will call my Attorney and let them know about the truck and CS...Yes, I'm pushing on...

I have 69 days, LOL...that includes today! Sat. the lady from the real estate and she will have the paperwork done this week on the house so I can push on with the property settlement...

As far as STBX, I Happen to have a conversation with him last night, he was talking about "doing what ever"...MC...whatever...everything was going fine until he tried to blame me for the mess that he created and that raised my blood pressure a little and I basically gave him PLAN FU...

Told him that I was not settling for the crumbs that he has handed out all these years...That if he couldn't step up to the plate and be the man that I needed him to be than I would rather have nothing...I laid into his @ss and didn't let up...I told him that I had done the work...read the books...asked for MC...regreted my past mistakes...done my best to make amends for them adn he hasn't done [censored]...

Words from him were crap and that I wasn't the person that he was use to dealing with...

I was able to notice that there was a great sense of calm in be and that if felt good to say exactly what was on my mind...to tell him that MY life was good because I was doing the things that I needed to do...that MY life was good b/c I had a relationship with my BOYS...that I didn't worry about money anymore b/c I wasn't cleaning up HIS [email]CR@P[/email] anymore...

So basically it was a FU b/c I don't need you!

I haven't heard from him since and I'm okay with that! I don't even care, what I do know is that I felt GO GREAT getting all of that off my chest...saving all of those things that I so badly wanted to tell him all these months...It was so freeing...

MY PLAN...to go on with MY LIFE...to take care of me and to take care of the boys...that's my long term plan!

Rin-
Sounds great to me! You were probably long over due in giving him the plan F U! LOL!

Yes, I was...I can't believe how freeing that was for me...I felt so good about myself and what I said...

Still no word from him and I like it that way!

The boys and I had a great weekend...YS was invited to a b-day party yesterday from his "best" friend in class and we all were...the big bounce houses indoors...they had a blast...and I did too watching them...I got to meet some of the parents in his class...and that was good for me too!

In the past I wouldn't have done something like that before...to afraid but I felt good yesterday...and I enjoyed myself!

Rin:

I had to pop in....

BURNING the books!

WOW.

Now that is seeing something as a threat, isn't it?

I'm M'ed to a librarian, so burning books hits home for me.

There is TOTALLY differnet conotations between burning and hiding (or throwing away)

Burning is making sure that the information is GONE. And that YOU KNOW its GONE. And we celebrated over the remains.

Hiding or throwing the information away, is playing keep away and hiding actions... Trying to be secret about it.

Big difference there.

As an aside:

Glad the plan FU went well.

Follow his actions, not his words. Don't settle.

Your doing great.

LG

What did you mean that we celebrates over the remains?

He had tried hiding "The PA Man!" Lied about it not coming in, hid it in the top of the closet, then I found it, conformed him...

All I can do is shake my head at his behavior...

Thanks, LG, I have no intensions of backing down and settling, given my past behavior, he could be pushing for that same response from me...I'm not that little afraid child anymore who's actions hinged on his response to me...

I'm a "GROWN WOMAN" with a mind of her own to feel and think for herself now!

Rin:

"we" celebrated means the Book Burners, not you.

LG

yeah, come to think of it, he did say once that it made him feel better at the time!

I went back and was reading AmI's Plan F-U...nothing like mind...I remember BC's plan F-U was nothing like mine either...

I guess it's that breaking point where we actually say everything that's on our mind and we're just tired of all of the FOG...the cr!p that they keep dishing out...

In the past two days, I have had several people said that something looks different about me...I don't know what that could be...but apparently it's a good thing!

Oh, LG, can you check out SG's, skinsgal, thread, she would like to go out big with Plan A...perhaps some thougths if you can manage... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Same thing for you BUGS, you did an awesome Plan A...IMHO...

Good Morning! I was reading over the beginning of my story and can't believe that I was that lost...that crazy lost, it's a wonder I could get dressed in the morning!

A real sucker too...IMHO...all the lies...the helpless feelings...what I thougth I was doing verses what I was doing...

Jesus!!! I can see alot of things that I didn't at the time adn I can remember reading from Frog that STBX had it made...so why would he want to change...I was SOOO wrapped around him...didn't know what was really up or down for me...wanted that quick fix to make me feel better...

I was so desperate...

If anyone read my beginning and has any comments, I would love to hear what you have learned, see, etc...I think that there's alot more to learn from this past experience for me...I'm not really kicking myself about it, I was in fact doing the best that I could at the time...

Anyway, today is a good day...I feel good, I've in Diva Dress Code...I got an email from the realtor last night asking me for some more information on sq. ft. and I should have that report this coming Thurs.

I did call my attOrney and gave them an update, once the house stuff is done, we'll figure out what the next step is!

Well, this afternoon is not so good...I was reading through some of my old posts and had to stop..

Then, I went to my email and ran across some stuff that STBX and OP had emailed back and forth and that set me off some...so I'm a little pi$$ed off right now...

I know that it's part of the dwelling but you know sometimes I think that it needed to keeping moving forward...to be reminded what things were really like...

It's kind of like one of MJB's song where she saying something like "when you're in love and you only see the good"...

I wrote a prayer for myself this morning and posted it on my desk...basically, it's to ask for help in my recovery, to see what actually is, help with getting on with my life, to be the best person that I can be, and to help me find someone who will treat/respect me in the future...to continue to help me love people and trust God...thanking him for everything that I have and everything that I don't...

At this moment, I can't even pray for STBX...

I here for you Strivin....

Want to vent some more at me. I'm tough, school secretary and all can take it.

It sucks, doesn't it.

I know you are strong and it's just one of those moments.

We could think of something funny?

Thanks...I think that I just want to sit with my feelings right now...

I actually feel like conforming him but that's not what I'm going to do...

I'm just going to be with my feelings...I just thought that I would own them here...i'm feeling hate for him...I know that not a Godly felling to have forward someone...

((((Rin))))

It's ok to be angry, but it's what we do with that anger that matters.

Give him back to God Rin.. there's nothing you can do for him right now. God is the only one who can help him.

Your anger shows that you still 'care' on some level. Since you care, do the best thing you can for him and give him up to someone who can help him.

I'm here for you, as are the rest of us.. vent away here.. do something constructive with your anger.

You are right, sometimes we just need to own them, say them, feel them and move on.

You are an amazing strength for me.

Where is Cajun county

South of New Orleans...about 45 minutes to the west of the fish bowl!

I actually went on break and I'm reading this book called Genesis, it's for Children of Alcoholic and other Child of trauma...it's about spirituality in recovery and it just so happens that I needed to read what I did...

James, I will do just that! The thought that has been replaying in my mind is: he can't be honest with himself, how can he expect to be honest with OP?

That right there is taking his inventory and that's a complete NO, NO!

So, I know what I need to do and that's return my focus back to me...so...

let's think about some positive things, shall we:

I am diva material today, blessed to have the wonderful clothes on my back...

I have a good job...

I have been supporting myself and doing what I need to do for myself adn my kids...

Nothing BAD has happen since I left...

I have been blessed to listen to my MP3 player all day until a sec ago when the battery died...

My dryer hasn't completely gone out yet...that's a plus...

I don't have to deal with a fogfilled, wayward, low down, scum sucker everyday anymore...that a miricle in itself...

I am happy and smile ALL the time these days...

I was able to have a wonderful Christmas with just me and the boys and AN EVEN BETTER NEW YEAR'S, all on my own...

I have confident in myself and respect for myself these days...

That's making me feel better...Oh, and Thanks SG and James...I really appreciate the help...it's easy these days when you can recognize that you are in a flat spin and know what you need to do to pull yourself out!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm pretty sure that getting a notice from the credit union that STBX's truck is with that I have a certified letter waiting to be picked up at the post office did not help set my mood...

That's one thing that really will set me off...the bills not being paid...I will be SOOOO happy when that and the Motorcycle are not in my name...

Then I will not have to be concerned with what HE IS DOING TO MY CREDIT...that in itself REALLY CHAPS MY HIDE!

According to STBX that will all be taken care of this week, just like I'm suppose to be getting CS this Friday, AGAIN!!

So, Rin,

What is your plan now?

I know you're in the middle of Plan D, but what's the day-to-day, overall guiding plan?

It seems like having a plan, with a goal, would help when you get in the mood to confront him (like you were in earlier) or run into frustrating things like notices about late payments, old e-mails, triggers, etc.

What's your ultimate, big goal?
I think the goal makes a big difference, will help you decide how to react to things like late payments and old triggers and new information and late CS. I think a good goal and a strong plan to get there makes things feel a lot less unstable and reactionary .... much more under your control.

So what's your plan, girl?

Been thinking about you!

-AmI.

WEll, I think that the best thing is to have contact only in regards to financial and kids issues...most of the kid issues I can handle myself...

And the financial issues will hopefully end in the near future once everything is settled...get things out of my name/his name...

I'm not sure what you mean about day to day plan...I am in a plan b with some light...I'm okay with that...
He has to come by here to pick up the cert. notice to get his letter...I plan to ask him getting a P.O. Box...if not then he can just get his mail when he drops off the kids...

I can say this that from his actions and recent talk about MC, and blah blah blah, that he does not want to disentangle our lives...I'm still pushing for it...

Let's see a plan for when I want to confront him...come here, write it out, list the positive things...just b/c I want to confront him doesn't mean that I am...I've been pretty good about that in the past since I left and I can hold true to it...

I don't see it as being something that is good for me besides it's giving my power away in the long run, letting him know that he is affecting me if I do confront...

I think that I did well today...it didn't last long...maybe an hour...I noticed that I was getting frustrated reading my old post and stopped...told myself that's about all that you can handle...of course, that was after lunch and I had already got the notice in the mail...so the notice was the trigger...

Ultimate big goal...to get this D over with so I can get on with my life...

I'm still holding on to those email but they are tucked away...I can't seem to part with them or some other things b/c it proves that I'm not crazy...when I start doubting myself I can go back to those and validate myself...reassure that it did happen that way...

I'm sure that I will get better with that in the future and not need that validation...just sometimes self doubt sneaks in and I have to prove it to myself...effect of being told my whole life I did not hear, see, whatever, what I did...more often what I heard more than anything...

That's what's so great about posting here...

I hope that I answered your question... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for thinking about me...

Rin,

So glad that AmI asked you again about your Plan! Even more glad that you took the time to think about it and answer!!

Extra glad you stopped reading your old posts today. There is a time that it is a good thing to do that, but today it did not seem to be providing any benefit, but more negative.

Hang on to the strength I am hearing from you!!

{{RIn}}