This is my first time to this site as well as this forum. I have spent that last hour or so reading many of the stories within this particular forum. By reading these life stories I felt compelled to write mine, for I need advice, reassurance, and people to talk to.

So, on that note, grab a soda and some popcorn because this could turn out to be a long ride....

I am now 23 years old and I met "J" (fiancé) when I was 20. We went to the same college and I was attracted to him. He was in the military at the time. That's one of the things that attracted me to him. Anyways, I finally got the nerve to speak to him and he was so sweet and sincere. I gave him my email and phone number but never asked for his....if he was interested he could contact me. He did.

After much conversation we went on a date to go see a movie. Needless to say we ended up having intercourse....neither of us pushed it, it just happened. I normally did not do those sorts of things...but we had a special connection. Soon after we started seeing each other. We only saw each other at the college or at my place. We couldn't go to his place because he told me he lived in the dorms on base and it wasn't allowed. I didn't doubt that because I know that the military pairs you up with someone to share a tiny room. I never questioned it again. A few months went by......but I started getting a strange feeling in my stomach that maybe I wasn't the only one that was in his life. It was the little things that were said and done. For instance he wouldn't let me leave anything in his car....nothing. Well soon some strange this happened. I was on aol messenger when I got a message from a "guy" that seemed interested a little too much in my life. "He" was asking me if I was dating someone and all and of course I said yes and things like that...and then "he" asked me if "J" were married and I said no...and "he" just kept playing the married card......I thought that was a little odd.....but chose to ignore it for the time being. Then after a few months of dating he emailed me while at work telling me that he was married to someone and had to tell me over email to show it as proof to his wife. The wife was that mysterious odd ball guy that messaged me that night on aol. We talked about it more in depth……and then I cut all ties. I didn’t really have anything to say to him nor his wife. In our last conversation I wished him luck with trying to repair his marriage…and then said good bye.

I was depressed that, that sort of thing happened to me. I reacted in a way that no one should. I hated myself for being so stupid and following what my gut was telling me. This is how I reacted: there was this guy that I worked with that I had known all through high school but we lost contact with one another and then one day he is interviewing for a position at where I worked. He got the job, obviously. Well we worked about 45 minutes out of town…so sometimes we would carpool. He drove me home one night and well we actually ended up at his house and had sexual intercourse twice. The next morning I got a phone message from “J” telling me that he loved me and that he was sorry….I felt horrible....though I shouldn’t have I was technically single.

(Refills and bathroom break are recommended at this time.)

“J” and I started talking again….he moved out of his house and moved in with a friend. Got divorced…..said I was the one that made him happy, the one that he wanted to be with. As time passed I found out more about their marriage….she was horrible to him and he was horrible to her in return. Since he was in the military he got shipped overseas and while overseas she cheated on him and actually had her boyfriend move into their house, sleep in their bed, etc. When he got back from duty, the boyfriend was still there. That was the beginning of the end of their marriage.

So, with time “J” and I started dating again, with it being clear that I don’t stand for cheaters or liars. I told him that if I knew he was married I wouldn’t have wanted to date him…….. Now, 2007 we are living together, have 3 animals together and have wonderful jobs and it seems as though he is up to his old tricks……and I have discovered each of them…and have questioned him….

First action was him actually meeting up with a woman on his way to class. I had no knowledge of such a thing until the day after it happened. I had yahoo messenger and was talking to “J” on it while he was in class. But his replies were short and were a tad bit on the rude side. I thought maybe it was class….but it wasn’t. I logged off my yahoo and then logged onto his……and as soon as I logged on to his I got a message from a girl. He was talking to her the entire time. Apparently this was the girl he met up with. I told her straight up whom I was and she told me everything. They didn’t have intercourse but she did give him a hand job…which makes me think he gave her “down south” some finger action as well. She said she was sorry and didn’t know about me…he said he was single. I confronted him…we had an enormous argument about it…..talked it over…he said he would never do it again. I gave him a second chance. Later that year I got pregnant….he didn’t want a baby yet….I did. We as a couple were not ready….after it all was said and done….I aborted the baby. It broke my heart. I think I was too young to completely understand what I was doing….how I was going to be affected. Downfall number two in our relationship.

He then started talking to someone he knew from back in the day. I didn’t think anything of it, thought it was just a friend…but I snooped. I’m not going to lie…I did. He told her that he was engaged and was going to get married, but before he did he wanted to get “inside” of her.

Then the most recent incident was this one. One day I picked him up from work and he asked me why I was snooping on his computer. I told him that I wasn’t which was the truth. I had no feeling to, no reason to. But after he got really edgy I decided I needed to. He was working nights that week…so that was the perfect opportunity to do so. I found an email address, an account on www.myprofilez.com and since he never changes his password it wasn’t hard to login to both of them. He’s made himself single and has tried to meet up with girls, talked sexually to them, exchanged sexual photos. I got mad…sad….frustrated and boy did I let him know it. I called him at work and straight up yelled at him and made it known that we were no longer engaged…..an hour later he is at home trying to work it out. Oh, he even put an ad up on craigslist.org under the casual encounters section.

After talking he doesn’t know why he does it. He says for some reason he can’t be completely happy so he feels like he has to do something to make it back to what his life use to be. He’s not used to having someone love him and care about it. I told him that I wanted to be with him but that we needed to get him help. I got a number for a therapist and he has yet to call…how do I make him call?

Now it’s a month later, with the wedding in seven months. Since all this being sexually attracted to him has gone down hill. I never want to have intercourse with him. I’m not emotionally or sexually there anymore….I’ve built this wall around me to keep me safe from pain…..it does a great job of covering it up but not preventing it. He has recently told me that he wants to have a baby……..a baby! I flat out told him no. He says he’s sad by it, but at the moment I’m glad by it.

I guess I’ve come here to get advice from both the male and females. Should I continue to try helping him and helping our relationship or should I move on and find someone else?

Move on. Too much chaos and baggage. Save yourself the heartache and ditch this guy.

One of the biggest mistakes women make is thinking we are going to "help" a man or "fix" a man. Sorry, it doesn't happen. Either you take him like he is and live your life battling an affair junkie or you find someone else that doesn't do this.

He's NOT worth it.

DUMP HIM!!

He has shown you repeatedly who he is. At this point, if you get hurt again, it's your fault not his.

This guy is a compulsive liar and cheater. Dump him and get on with your life.

Lets recap.

Fiance betrayed your trust, had MULTIPLE affairs , and LIED repeatedly about them before marriage.

Through the grace of God you found out it time.

I would RUN, not walk away from this one! Please save yourself the heartache of having to live with a serial cheater.

There is an old saying that goes:
"A person is not who they say they are in their last conversation with you. They are who they have always been."

He cheated on his ex-wife and lied to her and you at the same time. He has cheated on you multiple times and lied to you repeatedly. He didn't want a baby when you were pregnant, but now that he feels you leaving him, he wants one. It sounds like he is just trying to trap you and make you feel obligated to stay.

I'm sorry to say it, but there is no reason to believe he will ever change or give you the stability and happiness you crave. Leaving him now will hurt, but you will ultimately end up much happier when you find a good man. A real man.

I appreciate the responses I have gotten. I was looking for more constructive advice instead of run and leave. Like I said I want to help him.....and be there for him through this problem. Not just get up and leave. So, if anyone does have any constructive advice pls post. Thanks.

Why do you want to HELP him when he has done nothing but HURT you?

You owe him nothing, yet you owe yourself a great deal. As it is now, you are betraying yourself. Help yourself, not him. He is his own problem.

Think of it this way: Which is more likely? In several years, are you going to look back and wish you had stayed with him, or wish you had left him?

I don't know how I will feel several years from now...all I know is how I feel right now. I know that he is a good person and that he does love me and care about me...but I also know that he has a problem that he needs help facing.....and I want to help him get better. Yes, he has betrayed me in the most horrible way, I know that and I know that I don't deserve this type of betrayal....but at the same time several years down the road I don't want to wonder "What if I stayed and helped?"

He's a serial cheater and always will be.

Just like the married man that my wife was cheating on me with. My wife was his third time he got caught.

Iam, you ask why people are telling you to cut and leave... It is b/c of this: your fiance is the only person who can help himself. Only he can decide when he's had enough of this lifestyle of cheating and lying. You cannot, cannot, cannot help. He will need professional counseling, this is not a do-it-yourself project. I'm sorry, it is a terrible truth. This is something only he can resolve, it has nothing to do with you, or his last W, or his latest fling. Think about it. He left you first, when his W found out. Listen closely, she found out about you, and she kept him. Forgave him. Tried to make it work. And then "J" called you before the D was final. He jumped from one relationship to the next (before the ink was written), not the actions of someone carefully deciding what he wants. The only thing he's decided, is that you are "better" (and I use the term loosely, not as an insult to you, but his W probably wasn't as terrible as he made her out to be: look up "the fog" on this site) than what he had, but he's still looking. And he won't leave you till he finds "better", but that doesn't mean he won't leave.

Now look at the words you've written above. You know he "loves" you and "cares about you". Aside from the "good behavior" times, his actions do not speak this. He used you while he was M'ed. He lied to you. He made you his excuse for leaving his W, instead of manning up to his failure. He's cheated on you, multiple times. He's actively looking to cheat on you in the future...

Yours is not an uncommon dilemma, I think one that many people of youth and innocence and a desire to be needed have, all wonderful qualities. Your goal to help people is admirable, but not one to use in your lovelife. Find a career assisting people. Marrying someone who needs "help" says an awful thing about the person you marry (that they are flawed and needy) and about you (you are willing to "parent" your spouse). 10 years from now, you two will have dynamics in the M that will be exaggerated from this unequal partnership. Your "help" will be controlling, and his "not knowing how to love" will be serial cheating. Trust me and the others speaking from experience, please don't do this to yourself, I tell you what I would have told my younger self. The problem is not whether he loves you (b/c his past actions speak what you'll be dealing with if you'll marry) but why do you love him despite his poor treatment of you?

You have mixed feelings about this man. You have mixed feelings about having kids with this man. I can't make your decision for you, and I know it is a hard one either way, but I think the strength you could use now to break free of this relationship will be a lesson learned much earlier in life than if you M "J". Pain now, versus pain and perhaps children and custody/child support battles later. Children you could have with another man, one who has never, and never will, cheat on you.

A tough decision nonetheless, I know you love him. But he has never earned your love, and doesn't look like he is going to without a long, painful struggle for you both. He will be fine learning this lesson by himself. Don't let yourself get dragged into this, better yet, cut ties and heal yourself, heal that pain of being "loved" so cruelly... so when real love comes along, you will not look with regret at a ring on your finger.

Is this the story of romance you want to be telling your grandkids?

Take care, you are worthy of real, honest love and I hope you allow yourself to find it.

I don't really have any advice but just wanted to say thanks for posting this.

And also ask if we're married to the same man (I know under the circumstances/place this isn't nearly as funny as it would be elsewhere).

Your fiance' sounds just like my hubby. I admit, my heart sank with the first replies of up and run. It's something I've known I should do but never wanted to really consider it.

Anyway. I know how you're feeling--even with thinking he loves you and you can help him and make everything okay. That's what keeps me here...thinking I can help him and make him better.

Like I said, I don't have any advice. But I've been there and done that and I'm here to chat if you ever need to unload!

I left this forum for a bit....I needed to clear my thoughts. I have. I have come to realize many things after posting this, reading others stories and opinions on my particular situation.

I came to this forum seeking help, advice and understanding. I received advice, yes...none of the others. I feel that this forum really isn't that entirely helpful in my case. No, it's not because I didn't hear what you all think I might have wanted to hear. It's because all of the advice and judgments made have been made from all of your experiences, the good ones as well as bad ones. Your advice is based on the pain and suffering that you have had to deal with...not taking into account how I actually feel about my own situation.

Thank you all for taking the time to comment....but I have decided on a different approach.

PLEASE For Gods sake listen to everyone here.......If you do not leave this guy.....I guarantee you.....I will put money on it you will be back here in this forum later on with a horrible story to tell. If kids are involved by that time......it will be even worse.

This guy you find yourself attracted to (dont know why personally).........is a complete ******......he wont change......trust me......his history tells you that and you know it. You just dont want to see it.



I feel so sorry for you, if you stay with this guy. He will destroy you emotionally and mentally.

I just lost a longer post... short version

I would recommend you call the Harley's and explain your situation for some unbias professional advice.

How many relationships, contacts are you unaware of?

Why would he want a baby?

Has he risked your health by having unprotected sex? Did he do that with his XW while having sex with you?

Consider the success rate of trying to save a drug addict or alcohol that has no desire to change? You can't save him, he needs to take that step.

You have my best wishing, and please consider whats best for you before it's too late.

-JKT

I know everyone here has been through the same things and they are telling you the truth about leaving. Only he can change his ways, you can't do it for him no matter how hard you try. I have been hurt so many times in life, it makes you think that there is no one out there that is true, but there is, so try to listen to the advice and not what he is saying to you. He has lied and cheated numerous times and you have given him chances to change, but he didn't, that should show you that only he can do it for himself. Sorry your going through this horrible time.