Background:
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=> This is my first post. I have been reading the forums on and off for a year (I am a block-head for not acting sooner, I know).
=> I have read HN/HN and starting to read other books on marraige and conflict.
=> WS and I are both born again believer's in Jesus Christ.
=> I am working on recovering my marriage without help from WS. She says she doesn't love me and shows no signs of wanting to reconcile our relationship.
=> Root cause (I think) = Sexual problems. WS spent first 13 years being too submissive (strict Christian background of us both). She did not communicate what she liked/didn't and allowed me full liberty in bed. I took it too far for her about 3 years ago. She continued to allow it without complaint, even encouraged it (anything to please me) for a few months. Then started drifting away showing signs of unhappiness and eventually complete withdrawl physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Hopefully that is enough background. Now on to why I am on THIS forum...

Affair??
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=> 5 years ago we moved to a lovely property in the country after city dwelling for first 11 years of our marriage. She grew up in country, I love hunting, farming, etc. Great move, so I thought (and still do, really). EXCEPT,
=> Right after moving in we met a fine Christian man, a widower who had just lost his wife to cancer about a year before. He has three married girls and one at home who is now 16. He and daughter also started attending our Church shortly after we moved here. He too is a born again believer in Christ.
=> Me, my wife and kids all began a great friendship with him and his family. Eventually he began coming over every evening for supper. Most of the time with his then 12 year old daughter. It was a great feeling to be helping a neighbor and brother in the Lord who had been through so much. My wife and I also started helping out at his small dairy farm. Mostly me at first, then transitioning to mostly her helping.
=> My wife grew up milking cows and helping at a dairy farm when she was young, so it is "in her blood", as she says. About the same time of WS withdrawl from me, she began helping more and more at his farm and helping with anything and everything to spend time with him. She says he reminds her of her father who passed away in a car accident back in year 6 of our marriage.
=> She insists that her relationship with him has nothing to do with our marriage problems. But she is milking with him from 4:30-10am, sometimes noon, and from 5-8pm, and spends most of the time inbetween doing things with and for him too. Then he comes for supper (mostly by himself now). He leaves and then we go to bed. WS has NO time for me, and barley time for our children. She is a good mother and does a great job of meeting my EN for domestics.
=> Her brothers and sisters think she is too involved with him. My parents think the same. His daughter has been complaining too. Now my WS doesn't want anything to do with her family (live across the country/occational phone calls only), or with mine (live a few hours away) when it comes to group gatherings. She says she can't go anywhere without being judged, that no one understands (that it is my fault, not hers, because of the sex issue and others). She says she has to be true to her feelings and doesn't want to make it look like everything is okay.
=> I don't think her relationship with the OM is physical, only VERY emotional. He is 55 years old and a good Christian man, and also a good friend to me.

Advice please
-----------------------
=> I don't think my WS has told the OM that we are having marriage problems. I have never spoke to him about the situation either. I thought it would help our releationship to let her do as she wanted because she seems so happy to be working on his farm. I didn't want to make huge LB withdrawls by placing demands on her.
=> The one thing I can't understand is how he or she cannot see how wrong their relationship is. How can he allow her to spend that much time away from her family? BTW, she gets no income for her work (an occational free calf for our raising, or he will take us out for dinner). It is a labor of love for her. (litterally, I think).
+++++> So finally, what do I do? It seems my wife is having an emotional affair, but she denies it. I used to tell her that the relationship was wrong, but she kept throwing it in my face that he is a good Christian man and a good example for our kids (like I wasn't). Do I approach the OM? How can I break up a friendship with a brother in Christ? But I know if I don't, my WS will never come back to me. Please help.

Sorry for the long post. I am having an emotional vomit right now. I could go on and on...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. You say that it is only an emotional affair, but sometimes they can be worse than a physical affair.

Working with the neighbor probably does bring back good memories of her father for her. Helping him is also raising her self esteem.

I think you need to apologize for your failings from years before and make some changes. Also try to meet whatever emotional needs she will let you meet. But he has been meeting them for so long now that it will be difficult.

My idea would be for you and your wife to talk to a counselor at your church. She needs to hear how inappropriate spending so much time with him is. But she most likely won't want to hear it from you.

Your church counselor or minister may be able to talk with the other man too, and let him know that the situation is causing problems in your marriage.

The Harleys advise spending 15 hours a week doing fun things together, and it sounds like all of her time is spent with him.

A normal man would realize that your wife is doing too much for him and thereby neglecting things with her family. But he is probably too lonely to care.

I'm sorry you are here and experiencing this. Your wife can not replace OM's dead wife and I think she is trying. What was a helpful friendly thing has turned into a destructive thing to her family.

If she can not concentrate on family and you and does not seem to care, then I suspect an affair.

Yes, you label OM as a "Good Chrstian man". If he were a good "Practicing" Christian, he would not allow your wife to neglect her family for him. Sorry, but this guy is NOT your friend anymore.

You need to set some boundries and see how she reacts. She needs to go an extended period of time concentrating on HER family, not someone else's farm.

hopeful, unfortunately, you are correct and your W is having an affair. It is dangerous any time someone outside of marriage meets a spouses needs, as you can see.

I would suggest meeting with the OM and telling him that his relationship with your W is inappropriate and has to end. Ask him to do the right thing and end this affair now because it is destroying your marriage. Let him know that he is no longer welcome on your premises. Bring HIS pastor with you if you can.

You should also understand that your marriage will NEVER recover as long as you live next door to each other. Even if she AGREES to never go there again, she cannot withdraw unless someone MOVES. Recovery is completely contingent upon no contact for life. Just something to think about for the future.

I would then speak to your pastor about the affair and ask him to talk to your wife. While he may not be able to get through to her foggy mind, it will be a reality check for her to see that others view this in a truthful light: AN AFFAIR.

This will be your first step in ending her affair by causing conflict in the affair. Your second steps need to be focused on uncovering what need is met by the OM and learning how to meet that need yourself. It will be your goal to attract her back into the marriage. GEt your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley ASAP. There is a chapter in HNHN on infidelity that can also be helpful.

Dr. Harley would tell you that her "childhood issues" are an irrelevant diversion and to stay focused on the PRESENT.


You are correct in that you cannot DEMAND, but you can ASK her to stop going there because her ADULTEROUS AFFAIR [call it what it is ALWAYS] is very hurtful to you. Nor can oyu work on your marriage as long as the OM is in the picture.

Plan A is where you want to be right now. Here is a link to an article about it, and a post by Pepperband that gives a tactical explanation: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Block-Head <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

No, you are not a block-head.

How about a christian heart to christian heart talk with Mr. Dairyfarmer? Not angry or vindictive, but calmly explain the sitch and ask why he can't see it.

""I don't think her relationship with the OM is physical, only VERY emotional. He is 55 years old ""

So 55 is way to old for a sexual relationship?

""She says she can't go anywhere without being judged, that no one understands ""

Sound very fogbabbleish. Deep fog, and maybe not just EA fog.

And also, now your wife is not submissive at all, per christian teachings? Not in bed but IN THE MARRIAGE?? She is now rebelling and telling you where to get off?

""I thought it would help our releationship to let her do as she wanted because she seems so happy to be working on his farm. I didn't want to make huge LB withdrawls by placing demands on her.""

WHAT? Read this again out loud to yourself.

Do your christian beliefs go out the window when there is some discord in the marriage or should the christian beliefs become stronger and more evident in dealing with the problems you are having in your relationship with your wife?

Get back to the fundamentals.

kirk

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Hi HNH

I am a FWS who had a brief PA and EA for about 12-18 moths with our next door neighbour. (we live in a suburban situation BTW) We are coming up to 2yrs post d-day and recovered. Like you, OM and his family were good friends of ours. We went on holidays together, OM was our sons football coach. OM’s youngest son and our youngest son were best friends, inseparable.OM was a good friend to my husband. OM was married for nearly 20 yrs and I was friends with his wife. My H travelled a lot with work….away from home during week, home on weekends…OM helped with running our boys to football etc….Eventually he confronted me with how he felt…We had brief PA (kissing/cuddling,no sex) and were planning to leave our families when we were found out….Makes me sick to type this now when I think of the incredible pain and suffering I caused my darling H and our wonderful three teenage sons…..BTW H & I are born-again Christians, OM was not….this makes little difference IMO.

As others have stated here, your wife is in a deep EA with this man…..my guess it has probably gone physical too…sorry . The reason neither of them can see what is happening here is that they are blinded by their emotions…they are in a fog…they cannot see what they are doing is wrong or harmful…mind you I think your wife does deep down because she has withdrawn from family etc. They are meeting each other’s top ENs….he SHOULD know it is an inappropriate relationship as should your wife, but neither of them has the self-control to stop…they are addicted to the other person. This is what happens in EVERY affair. It has to be treated like a drug addiction…cut off their supply!!! They get these wonderful warm fuzzies when they are with the other person, and they haven’t had that feeling for sooo long and it feels sooo good and they want to have it again and again….and hey presto, you are in the middle of an EA!!

Pls read what ML has posted to you…it is wonderful advice…

FWIW….when my A ended, our family had to move out of our house (which we owned outright) to a rental property for 4 months as living next door to OM and his family was unbearable for all concerned. It cost us thousands of $ nut was soooo necessary. OM sold his house and his family moved about 7 miles away. To maintain no contact for life, I have had to change several things..like shop at diff places, not see my kids play football because OM still coaches/attends games etc…It is very difficult sometimes,but I have to do it for my H and myself.I am doing everything I can to maintain NC, but OM feels entitled for his life to go on like nothing has happened.OM still visits in our street occasionally as he is still friends with some of our neighbours. I find this very hard to deal with.

You should definitely tell you pastor…did you say that OM goes to your church too??? And I would print off some of the free stuff on this site for you and your wife to read as it will really help both of you understand how you got into this mess and how to recover from it.


prayers to you all

Mrs K

I am so happy you dropped by because I thought of you when I read his situation, MrsK. Great post, my friend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you all for your posts. I cherish your extremely insightful words of advice and encouragement coming from both sides of an A. Thank you. Thank you.

I have confessed my failings/sins of the past to God and to my WW. She says that she has forgiven me, but cannot forget. But my past failings are still her excuse as to why she is withdrawn and no longer loves me, and I think also her justification (in her mind) for the EA. From reading marriage books, and the clear wisdom of MB, I can see the real cause for her not wanting to reconcile, that being her EA with the OM.

Of course, you all know, I am not perfect or blameless in our relationship failures. When she started to withdraw, my response was anger, resentment and bitterness. It took me a long time to get thru that, and I know that caused even more LB withdrawals (most likely over-withdrawals at that point). I continue to work on meeting her EN as best I can, even though she sees no need to meet any of mine (except domestic - cooks, cleans, cares for kids). I had her fill out the EN survey a year ago. She did so, but did not give me the result (said it would be too hurtful to me). I ended up finding it hidden, and made a copy. So I have something to work from - Thank God. Her top EN are FC, HandO, Conversation, Affection and Admiration. I am trying.

I stand firm on my Christian beliefs. They are what bring me hope and they are why I even have a desire to recover our M and to show love to my WW. Along with my WW decline from me, I also see a decline in her relationship with Christ. No time in the Word, no interest in reading articles, books, etc. about marriage, or anything. She seems to have thrown out all that see used to believe, and only wants to be true to her feelings. She says that is what God would want her to do.

Okay, now, what do I plan to do??!!!
--------------------------------------
Action - This is the hard part (What I WILL do).
Result = For every action, there is a reaction (hopefully a good one).
Passiveness - This is easy (What I HAVE BEEN doing).
Result = Continued pain and suffering, increasing separation, ending in Divorce. (I guess that is not really easy, is it?!!!)
---------------------------------------

STEP 1:
Discuss with my wife the fact that she is having an EA and ask her to stop seeing the OM completely.

This seems impossible. Our lives revolve around the OM. My WW spends her entire day with and about him (most days, not all). Milking morning and night with him, for which he really can't do on his own. In the coming days/weeks we have work projects both at our farm and his planned, weekend trips planned. He comes to our home or she goes to his throughout the day and every night he comes for supper. Wherever we go, whatever we do, my WW invites him. We attend the same church. We have the same friends. We live 1/2 mile from, and pass by his farm no matter where we go. We live where we dream of living and have planted a vineyard for our future here. Then too, what will my wife do with her time (she is programmed to get up at o-dark-thirty)? Also, what do we tell our children (6 and 9)?? They will ask where is OM and why isn't OM at the table, why isn't mommy milking anymore. NC for life - This seems impossible.

STEP 2:
Discuss the EA with the OM. Should I hurry to do this, before she talks with him? Should I do this alone, or bring an Elder/Pastor from the church we both attend (or
wait until Step 3)?

STEP 3:
Talk to church Elder and ask him to speak with WW and OM. Ask if he will sit down with me and WW to work through our M problems. I still think she needs to talk to someone about what I have put her through in the past. She needs to get it out. I have no pride left and also want to talk about our past that led to the current situation.

STEP 4:
Tell friends and family that know of the OM already so they can help my WW get thru the fog???

STEP 5:
Continue to use the Plan A "carrot". I think Steps 1-4 covered the "stick"? Although, I may need to be prepared for a continued use of it as the fog is lifted. Does it happen that the fog never lifts, and the WW won't ever see her relationship with the OM as an AE?

LASTLY, and FIRSTLY:
I will Pray, Pray, Pray. Then, Pray, Pray Pray. Please keep us in your prayers too!

Gratefully yours,
With Hope and Love in Christ,

No, she is withdrawn due to the AFFAIR. The RESULT of an affair is withdrawal and falling out of love. Yes, wayward will use and EXAGGERATE past grievances to justify adultery. However, keep in mind that her adultery is the absolute worst thing that can happen to a spouse. It is the equivalent of the death of a child or a RAPE. Your past bad behavior in no way compares to what she is doing to your family. Please keep this in its proper perspective and don't take the blame for her affair.


You can tell them the truth. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. They are probably already going "hmmmmmmmmm" about their mothers relationship and wondering WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM that this seems wrong to THEM but not to mommy and daddy. Perhaps they have concluded they are just too stupid to correctly perceive reality. You can explain to them that it is WRONG for a married person to have a relationship like this outside of marriage. It is frowned upon by God as is considered adultery. They instinctively know something is wrong and are probably questioning their own perception of reality since no adult validates what they sense is CLEARLY WRONG. Being honest with them will clear up their doubts and validate their instincts about right and wrong. Remaining silent about this will be very harmful to their moral development and their trust in their ability to perceive reality.


How about this? Take your PASTOR to the OM's and have a come-to-Jesus with him. THEN go and have the same discussion with your wife.


Recovery should not focus on past grievances, but on learning how to be a GOOD SPOUSE in the PRESENT. Marriage Builders can teach you how to have a GREAT, FULFILLING MARRIAGE by changing CURRENT BEHAVIORS. The solution is in the PRESENT, not the past.

And I cannot express to you strongly enough how important it will be for you to MOVE. Recovery will be IMPOSSIBLE as long as you are neighbors. Contact must end for LIFE in order for her to withdraw.

And as you have stated, the most important thing is God's HELP. With God on your side, you cannot go wrong. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Hi HNH

don't have a lot of time to do a post, but just wanted to say that I think you and your pastor should go see OM. maybe you see pastor first to inform him of sitch.Then you and pastor see your W.
You should tell kids in an age-appropriate way...they are not stupid and will more than likely be wondering why mom is spending so much time with OM whens she should be with her own family. They could def be wondering what is wrnog with THEM as momyy does not want to be around us much these days.

This is a battle in the spiritual for your family....don't be afraid to MAN UP to fight the good fight...yes it will be tough, but you can do it. The devil will try EVERYTHING he can to put you off...he's doing it right now and is doing a great job on your W right NOW btw, and OM for that matter.

I would be cancelling any plans with OM as this has gone on for far too long now. this man is not your friend, he is stealing your wife and he KNOWS it.

praying for you & your family

Mrs K

I agree with the advice from the other posters:

Tell your pastor. Tell your wife and the OM that you object to their EA and that it has to end. Expose/discuss with others what is going on. Do not be a silent enabler.

Have you read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass?

My WX was prone to such 'friendships' and insisted they were harmless... but then 'one-(supposedly harmless)thing-led-to-another'...

What would your wife think if YOU were hanging out with some nice Christian woman all day every day, 'helping' her?!?!?!?

And then on top of that you expected your wife to be the OW's friend too and had her over for dinner in your home!

If it really is just a friendship then there should be NO PROBLEM ending the friendship, right? Because the marriage is more important than any friendship, right? If it's nothing than what would be the big deal if it ended?


People move away and lose touch with old friends all the time. The end of an innocent platonic friendship is nothing compared to a divorce.

If I were you I'd put the house up for sale and start talking about where you want to move to (another state far away).

More suggestions:

To get WW to spend time with you and family/friends WITHOUT OM you could plan some surprise activities that OM and WW simply don't know about ahead of time.

You could sign yourself and WW up for something (bowling league, cruise, bible study, hot air balloon ride) together.

You could at the very least insist he not be present when you go out on a date with your wife for special days like wedding anniversary and your birthday!

You could enlist the help of adults who don't know the OM to ask them to invite you and WW to do things with them (they naturally wouldn't be inviting OM if they don't even know him).

You could put in a prayer request at church that the OM needs help with milking his cows - that it's too much for him to do alone... also that other church members could invite him over for dinner...

You could invite some nice widow woman over to dinner whenever he comes over (preferably one who knows how to milk cows LOL)

You could surprise him with a gift of a vacation FOR ONE - send him away for a while even if it's just a day trip to a local attraction.

You could get him interested in a hobby that he might enjoy but that your wife definitely would NOT enjoy (maybe hunting or fishing?)

Want to see the extent of your WW's addiction?? Find a nice widower and tell WW that you know someone that you are going to fix Mr. Dairyman up with and that you have invited her to attend the next time you guys hang out together.

She will go ape.....She already sees herself as the "woman in his life" and this widower will be viewed as competition.
That's okay and it may be something you can point to to show WW that she is in an affair and her feelings for this man are an addiction and that she has crossed the line.

Well said and Oh, So, True!




This is a great idea.

Do not think that you can go on living next door to this person and still recover your marriage. That will not happen, ever. You do understand that you are going to be fighting for your marriage here. Not only will your WW be "tempted" again and again to resume contact if you live next door to OM, but you will never feel 100% confident that there isn't still contact.

That lack of assurance will haunt you, every single day and make recovery impossible.

You know the folks here are correct. The decision to follow their advice or not is yours alone.

Who

This is what I predict will eventually happen if you don't address and expose:

If it hasn't happened already your WW will start complaining to OM about you behind your back. Of course they will both pretend they're talking about you because they care about you and are concerned about your flaws...

OM will tell your WW how lucky you are to have her, what a great woman/wife she is, etc. resulting in making her believe you don't appreciate her but he would.

They will act as if any concerns you have over their relationship are uncalled for - that you have a 'jealousy' problem. As they take their relationship to deeper levels they will eventually pretend that your jealousy caused problems in your marriage and that your lack of trust practically drove her into his arms.

The sooner you address this the better. You will need to take a firm stand and not be bullied into allowing them to continue contact - even as 'friends'.

IMHO the marriage committment comes first. If you value a friendship you don't allow it to interfere with your marriage in any way. They allowed their friendship to go way to far! By doing so THEY made it impossible to continue both the friendship and the marriage. They have to make a choice and they have only themselves to blame for the loss of either the friendship or the marriage.

They will try to make you feel as if you're being silly - that your concerns are unfounded. Do NOT fall for that!
If I were in your position I would take every opportunity to ask other people - right in front of them - whether or not they think it's appropriate for a married woman to spend that much time with another man! If they're so sure it's acceptable then why not conduct an informal survey to see if others agree with you or them.

And see there's the problem right there: "You or them" Already 'they' are squared off against you in this aren't they? Your wife and the OM think this is a decision 'they' get to decide, don't they? And you are supposed to just accept their decision, assurances, right?
WRONG!!!

I think I'd be telling her to just stay next door all the time and not come home (let alone bring him with her for dinner at my home!).

IMHO this sort of subversive adultery is particularly hurtful. You're supposed to pretend they're not doing anything wrong and just stuff your own fears and feelings.
As soon as they decided that your feelings meant less than their friendship they crossed a line whether or not they had sex.

I have had a detailed discussion with my Pastor. He has been very helpful and will support me in my efforts to save my marriage. Due to the fact that I want this to be as swift an exposure as possible (I want to expose one, then right after, expose the other, but separately) it will not be possible to have my Pastor come with me. It is just too hard for me to wait until everything falls in place with Pastor's schedule, the kids being gone, and my WW and OM actually being apart long enough for me to talk to them individually back to back.

It seemed like the perfect time today. I just dropped our kids off at a friends, the OM had just left our home after picking beans with my WW all afternoon (that's how it always is, they are just helping each other, but ALL the time). My wife was staying home to make a peach pie from our tree. I thought, great! I can stop at the OM's and talk with him, then go home and talk with her. When I drove by the OM place, no vehicle. Yep, you guessed it, he was back at our place to help my wife with our chores before they go to milk at his. It's interesting, cuz my wife thought I was going to stay with the kids and didn't really expect me home, she then acted kinda funny about him being there. Anyway, I was sooo ready to get the exposure over with I almost started talking to both of them. I KNOW I can't do that. All I can say is that it is in God's timing, not mine. I WILL have an opportunity, and I WILL gladly take it! Pray for my patience, and pray for that time. Thanks.

I can't believe it was over a year ago I found MB, but did nothing. I just found some of the articles I had printed. How true they were, but how blind I was. I am ashamed to admit my slowness of action. I see now what has really been going on. Thank you meremortal, your last post hit it right on the head, every word. I confronted my WW back a year ago, and she used all those excuses and I fell for them. How dumb...BUT NOT ANYMORE! Thank you others too, I value your posts and will be using your advice.

Hopeful, I am very relieved to see you have decided on a course of action. As the head of your family, your wife and children need your direction. They need you to be strong, decisive and action oriented.


When we speak of exposure, we mean to folks who don't know about the affair. The affairees know about the affair.

It is a good idea to expose the affair to other key targets after you have confronted your W and the OM, though. Everyone should be told, most especially your children.

What is your plan for ensuring there never be contact between them again? Are you planning on moving?