The reason you feel that no one else has touched you emotionally like this is because it's fantasy.

You're not seeing him in his worst light- like his wife does. You don't see him throwing his clothes on the floor and sitting around with stinky feet. His wife does. You don't have to pay bills with him, fight over chores with him, raise children with him or any of those things.

That's what makes the addiction so powerful.

When you guys are talking- you're only talking about good things. With your H you have to talk about reality.

Really think about that for a minute.

We're trying to prevent you the pain that we went through and still you're not listening.

No one ever told you in life you can have everything you want- so why do you feel so entitled to have OM???

You asked what to do? The best thing would be to tell your husband, go no contact with OM for life. If you won't consider for life, how about six months? If your relationship with him is so special shouldn't it wait six months?? Go NC with him and really work on your marriage for that period of time- if he really cares for you then he should have no problem with that!!! After all you guys are soulmates right?

I know that everything everyone has said here it is true. Reading the post has been sobering for me. OM has mentioned nearly everything said here to me. I'm special. We understand each other. We belong together, right for each other. He can't do without me. Even has told me that he loves me, which I'll admit seemed strange so soon. My feeling that he couldn't do without me had really kept me from just separating myself from the situation. I really felt that I couldn't just let him down. I was curious as to if the OM felt I was really special. I called him today and asked him if he's told other women that they were special. He got defensive and tried to put a guilt trip on me. I asked him what made me so special and he said a lot of good things. But I was concerned about him being defensive in his reply to me. He also let me in on a little more of him and I discovered he has all sorts of problems. Financial especially. I think he's been using me and all the other women to numb his personal problems. And I've been using him to make me feel better about myself and the lack of romance between my h and I. After talking to him I called my H and told him we needed to talk. He's gone on business but will be calling me this evening. There is nothing for me to do but tell him and try to get past this phase in our lives. I have looked at some of the articles on the site and think they will be helpful to read. I Plan to make it my next step to read up on these also. I appreciate the advice.

My OM did this, too.



Mine did too. Maybe we have the same OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Swept, this is very insightful for someone still actively involved in an EA. I'm very proud of you! I'm so happy you called your H and will be speaking with him about this tonite. Are you talking in person or on the phone?

I agree with Katie, I'm so proud of you!

My MM also said all the same things to me. I know now, he was using me as an escape, and vice versa. It's so not worth it!

Excellent choice, sweptwrong!
You have just gotten a glimpse of the reality that will shatter the fantasy.

Remember when you call your Hubby tonight, he is going to be upset. Just be honest with him and expect him to be angry. Don't get defensive or try to make it about him.

Just tell him that you know what you did was wrong, there is no excuse for it, and you want both of you to focus on meeting the emotional needs of the other and rebuild the love in your marriage. I'd recommend buying His Needs / Her Needs and reading that together.

Again, you are doing the honorable thing here. Don't even take OM's calls anymore. Total blackout. You and your husband can write the No contact letter together and mail that to him/his wife.

You just got a glimpse of this guys true colors. Remember it. You said you felt guilty for letting him down. Why? You would feel guilty ending and affair with a married man when you yourself are married? What about your obligations to your REAL husband who cares enough about you to not have a wife AND a mistress? I understand that you are getting it, and that's great, but STOP TALKING TO THIS WORTHLESS POS OM! Just do it cold turkey, but tell your husband so he can help you through it.

I'm proud of you for making the right decision.

Expect your husband to first react with anger. Don't worry, most of us reacted that way when we first found out. Give him a few days to calm down and come to terms with the shock of what you just told him. You'll find out that after a few days, he'll probably take this better than you would have thought, so don't let his initial reaction make you regret your decision.

Good--now as everyone says--stop all contact with this loser. He is using you and you are using him.

Remember when you tell your H about this, make sure you own full responsibility for your actions. He will likely feel that he did something wrong that led you to have an EA. No, you are responsible for your actions in this EA. Make sure you own them completely.

Later, you will need to take a close look at your boundaries. What was it about you, where are your weaknesses that led you to this inappropriate set of interactions with another man.

Excellent job on taking that first step; you're a lot more rational than most in you situation.

thanks for the words of encouragement. They are greatly appreciated. It seems an uphill battle right now. I told my h what happened. He was upset but said we'd talk
about it more when he gets in on this weekend. I'm not looking forward to that because he sometimes holds a grudge. He asked me some questions that were uncomfortable to answer but I think I understand why. I feel better about telling him but am still having problems feeling like I've hurt the OM. He's been calling a lot And I still feel like I'm missing something not talking to him. But I know that everyone has told me that I should not have contact with him. I've turned off my cell phone to try to get away from calling him back. Yesterday I felt so empowered to walk away from him. Today, I feel like I'm crashing emotionally. Its been hard. I've been talking to my best friend and my mom trying to not call him. They have been helpful. And it has been good being able to come post what i'm going through here. I really don't think I could handle this alone. Again thanks for the help.

What you are experiencing is psychological WITHDRAWAL. I want you to KNOW that it gets better after SEVERAL WEEKS of NC with OM. However, contact will suck you back in. Steer clear of OM and after two months I guarantee that you won't have any feelings for him anymore, just disgust at what he was trying to do. I want to applaud you for doing the right thing.

Katie Mae, You said you've been through this as a wayward spouse. Did you have problems with feeling like you've hurt the other person? Did experience a lot of emotional confusion and upset? If you did could you please give me some pointers on how to shake what I'm feeling? thank you.

It's called withdrawal. It's important to get through withdrawal...just as if you were a drug addict. In order to get "sober" you have to go through the bad parts of withdrawal...but when you get past it, it is so worth it. You will wake up one day and say "what was I thinking!?!?"

Delete his numbers from your cell phone. More importantly, change your cell phone number TODAY - and DO NOT give the new number to the OM. Close your email account TODAY and open another one - and DO NOT give the email address to the OM. It seems impossible right now, but no contact is imperative to the success of your marriage. Do everything you need to do to ensure that you will not come in contact with the OM ever again.

Start writing your No Contact letter so that you can have it ready for review by your husband when he gets home and you can send it together. Expose this affair to his wife (or have your husband expose to her).

Sweptwrong,
Cathy gave you some very good advice there that you should follow. Either change your email address or add his email to your spam filter so you never even see what he sends you. Also, changing your phone number will help get through withdrawal and will go along way to convincing your husband you are avoiding any contact with him.

With your husband away, I would NOT sit home by yourself. Its good that you are talking to family about it, and if they are around, I would go spend time with them until your husband returns. What do they say? Idle hands are the devil's playground or something like that? Stay occupied with people who support you breaking off the EA and make sure your Hubby can reach you at any time. Make sure Hubby has the numbers to reach them as well.

Again, congratulations on making the hard decision. It shows you have character and integrity, especially since you came here to ask for advice in the first place. Keep going in this direction and you will shake your addiction to OM in no time.

Swept,

Yes, I had the same feelings. It is completely irrational, but they are there nonetheless. OM becomes so desperate and it makes you feel bad. You are addicted so not speaking to OM makes you feel bad. You see your role in the whole mess so you feel bad. All bad feelings, because the whole situation is horrible!

The LAST thing you want to do is tell OM you feel bad. He is desperate and trying to guilt you for his "fix." PLEASE don't cave into this. I know it hurts... it feels so, so terrible... but it is a completely irrational response which is predictible in a cycle of addiction.

Andrew and Cathy are spot on. Kudos to you for telling your family. I did the same thing, but they only helped to a point. The real help came from my H. It's so unfortunate yours won't be back until the weekend.

Try and keep yourself busy and with other people as much as humanely possible. Do NOT be alone, and if you are, do something to keep yourself busy, like watching a movie (no romances!) Reward yourself for not speaking to OM, like buying yourself some flowers or fresh produce from the farmer's market. Treat yourself to a nice piece of chocolate. Turn your cell phone completely off, and put it in a drawer. Tell all your friends and family to call your landline at home. Keep posting here.

When your H gets home, have him go with you to get a new cell number. I wouldn't do it now without him around. You might give in and call OM, or OM might get desperate and come by your house. Having H there with you will give you strength. Same with your email accounts.

You will cry and get angry. You will be a wreck. It won't make any sense to you. But once you get through it, you will be much happier.

Don't worry about your H holding grudges for now. Tell him straight up, "I know you hold grudges, and this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you. I need your help getting away from this person... please, please help me." It's hard, it's horrible, but it's very necessary. H will be mad but he will also want to protect you. In the long run, he will feel glad he was involved in this. It will actually bring you both closer to recovery to do these things together.

So what is your plan for today? I think it's time for you to leave your house, and leave the phone behind.

Whatever you do, do NOT talk to OM, no matter how sad you feel.

KM

My FWH's EA was very short-lived. He was obsessed though with the interaction and felt its addictive nature. Before he really understood the nature of an EA, he tried to hide it from me and thought he could reduce contact gradually so as not to hurt OW's feelings. As the week continued and I began to figure out something was wrong (he had invited her to our house after secretly meeting with her, trying to pretend that he had just happened to get a call from her while he was out), I was acting more and more emotional. I was asking him questions that he could not answer. He saw how emotional I was getting and it dawned on him--I don't care about OW's feelings, I only care about my W's feelings. That was when things became clear to him and he wrote a NC letter. This "discovery" all took place in the course of a week after they had been emailing, phoning, text msging multiple times a day for three weeks.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it is very good that you told your H because now you will see how your behavior affects him. You will stop caring about feelings of OM because you will be caught up in the feelings of your H. That is as it should be.

The last two days were very difficult. I've been avoiding the OM at all cost. Today, is a little better but I'm still haivng to focus really hard to keep from doing something that I would regret. I am comforted in knowing that others as well went through the same thing and it won't last forever. My husband has been somewaht supportive, but my best friend is really hanging in there with me. Thanks again for the support.

Congratulations, Swept! It's soooo hard. I'm glad your best friend has been so helpful.

When is your H coming home?

You might have moments where it will suddenly get worse, but then you'll get over it. You think it can't feel any more awful, and then it does. Don't do something stupid in these moments. Just ride them out... go for a walk, talk to your friend, go window shopping.

Have you read Suzet's thread on Withdrawl? I'll pull it up for you...

Keep at it... you're doing great!

Katie

Here it is:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post2686313