new here although my w and I had our troubles in the past I was never listening to what she was feeling but I was unhappy myself mainly from not knowing how to fix the things that were wrong.I am wishing i would have gotten help for us or even found this site then because been looking over posts here and they help me relise what i have been doing wrong .

I know that she is unhappy now because she has told me it is over and she met someone she said she had been waiting for that call for a long time it all started with me locking up my feeling toward here and we have made bad finaical decisions .

recently she says it is over and not willing to try we are stuck together because of money or lack of she says we have to be room mates and i can't do that i am still in love with her .

but on the other hand in same weeks she has said thing that give me hope like another baby she says since she can't afford to be on her own I have been kinda accussing her of this and that which i have stoped she still says it over I have been seeing a mc to try to sort things out i still want her but i think the lack of being there for her is gonna destroy any progress that finding her en's and fufilling them can fix would giving her space because i think she has stress form work also on her mind and bills day to day things I am trying to get my confidence back that i can survive i am making me happier first she just resents me for all the past issues and won't let go of the past she also said she is not sexually close meaning "she does not think of me that way right now" her words

I need some advise help plz if u can thanks in advance>

Welcome. You need to find out who the other man is and expose the affair. If he is married, you must tell his wife.

Then start working on all of the things that she has complained about. Since she is still at home, you can SHOW her (not tell her) the changes.

I think she might be still calling om but she says she can not manufacture feelings for me and can't make herself feel what she doesn't is that a right now thing or a forever thing I am being more affectionate but not pressuring her just touching her hand and trying to be close to her like in first post i really wasn't there for her I never showed her my love for her she still is here do i have to just let her do what she wishes I don't want to lose her but i feel that i can't be the only one to save this she seems to be not willing to work on this she told me last night that she doesn't need any thing from me emotionally is that her right now thing or the way it will be or does she think that I am doing this just to win her back, then go back to my old ways i have told her that i am not that person anymore that i am working to be a better person right now my live is in shambles and i hate feeling this way and i have so much regret for what i have done to her over the years to make her feel this way she seems to try to get close to me is she just going through a tough time in her life i am there for her and i have told her that but as said the past i wasn't so she might think i am fake I have been getting in touch with my inner me and have sat down and decided what i really need and it is her , she seems like she kinda has hope but not alot I wish there was a easy fix for this but there is not I have asked her to take the EN questionnaire she would not say yes or no I think she want to work it out or atleast some what because she still speaks to me we have trouble communicating with each other because i have so much love and affection to give her but i don't want to pour on so thick that it pushes her away either she says she doesn't want to date me dinner and movie or be romantic I have tried to be here supporting her i am just think she has made up her mind and nothing will change that I told her my past actions have devestated me inside and have made me so angry with myself for treating her the way i did and i never want to do that again I relised why she was finding someone else because i was not fufilling her EN but she never came right out and said what she wanted she say that i should just know she said things i did made her unhappy such as irrated her but we all have our qurks She said that om and her had nothing in common but she contacted him yesterday She acts as if she wants to be intimate with me but then pulles away I have tried to sleep else were in the house to give her space but she asks why am i not in bed with her I want her physily and emoitionlly with every breath we have had sexual problems lack of imean i have always wanted it she says she did also but tshe always had some way of fighting it as in I am tired ,now it's since when do u wand it she askes me life pulled at our intmacy also we have a 2 yr old thing weern't good befor but got worse since the baby I know how I feel and how she doesn't right now i am listining to her I reaoete what she says when she is talking about her feelings so she knows i am taking it in shell say I don't want to fix thing i say I understand thaat you do not want to fix things right now my biggest fear is this might make me pull away from her I am lonly and saddend from not getting her love any more I am stuck in a lul over this I feel empathy and sympthy for what she has went through with me not being her best friend I told her i need her in my life that she compete's me but nothing seems to be sticking she seems like she craves the touching from me but then pull's away i am unsure how to handle this anymore should i keep showing her love and telling her my feelings she make me happy but it has taken me years to show and tell her and it might be to little to late

then she says one day to sleep else were then next day she says why didn't you come to bed I want to hold her and show her how much I need her this might take time but the other guy is still around is she confused maybe any advice or thoughts would help alot


ty in advance

no advise mmm or even a comment

Hi UC1,

Weekends are very slow around here...

What you've described sounds very typical of a WS that's still involved with the OP. Your first task should be to read up on Plan-A, and expose the A to anyone and everyone that you can think of that will help you break up the A.

Until your W stops seeing this OM, you will be spinning your wheels.

Sadly, those of us that have been through this can see the familiar patterns, and your situation is pretty standard. That doesn't make your pain any less real, or any less hurtful for you, but you should know that many of the people posting here have been through what you are dealing with right now.

Keep reading and let us know if there are any specific questions we can help you with. Also, it will help if you could break up your posts into paragraphs as they are very hard to follow when you put the entire post in one paragraph.

Semper Fi,

RIF

UC1,

The board are very slow on the weekends; please be patient. In the mean time, here are some suggestions:

Read up all the stuff on this site...specifically Plan A

Also, get a copy of Surviving an Affair and read it.

When you post, please put into small paragraphs; it's much easier to digest that way.

You may want to put your stats in your signature line, such as your/your wife's ages, children (gender and ages), D-day, how long married, and anything else pertinent.

Your W won't be able to respond to you until she's gone No Contact (NC) and then withdrawal from other man. You will not be able to start recovery until she has NC.

Good luck and God bless you.

sorry about the long paragraphs ,The funny thing about my situation is that we have our days we went to a ammusement park and we were touchy and holding hands and generally getting along but that seemed to change when we got home then sh seemed distant agian as i said we were getting along great all day till later that night is she having withdraws from him she keeps saying that they have nothing inn common that she is not contacting him but i still have the feeling.

She told me i was gonna fill out that en ? Is she afraid that i might fill them and she would fall back for me
yet think that i woulld go back to my old ways after i get her back not gonna happen but she might feel that way


ty in advance

Hi UC1,

What you've described could be withdrawal, but I'd bet that she's still in contact with the OM. Has she written a NC letter and let you look at it before mailing it to the OM? If not, then I'd bet that she's still in contact. One of the things that I learned during all of Mrs. RIF's A's was that you should trust your gut...

Part of the fear of the WS is that if they give up the OP (OM in your case), that the M will return to where it was pre-A. Clearly your W wasn't happy with the M and looked elsewhere to have her needs met...

Semper Fi,

RIF

we talked today and she said that she is not happy with me and she says she will never be happy with me i have said right now that might be the way tuou feel but that may change she said it won't i am stuck i am so in love with her but i don't know what will make her happy she said we are together because she can't afford to live on her own there is no intamancy at all she says she doesn't feel that way towards me
she feel i am a friend she said she was holding my hand and be the way she was at the amusement park she was just there

SHould i just throw the towel in on this or try to do everything to make here happy even though she says i can't make here happy can her feelings change ? or Am i just wasting my time i am confussed right now I know she is the one i want and only one or should i just let time go by and it might change with us I told her i am not sure i can live like this for long she seemed not to care

Part of the fear of the WS is that if they give up the OP (OM in your case), that the M will return to where it was pre-A. Clearly your W wasn't happy with the M and looked elsewhere to have her needs met...

Semper Fi,

RIF [/quote]I agree on that i wasn't there for her but i have relised my wrong and trying to change she says it is to late should i just do what ever i can to save this maybe if she sees i am putting forth effort it may help

Ask her if she'd be willing to give up OM for 6 months and work on your marriage? Once NC's in place, she should start to de-fog in a few weeks. You can plan A for six months, stop LBing (permanently) to show her that you can change.

yeah i have stopped lb's and just giving her space she is still in contact with om but i know i can't stop that right now i am going to counsoling now and working on my self and i feel i have the ball in my court right now I am tired of feeling the way i do so i am doing things for myself she seems to be in a fog right now

she has seemed to be more of a tease sexually doing and saying things to me but not going through with it oh well on that i am still trying to fix this situatation but maybe if i let it be for a while and get my confidence back she seems to be very jealouse and blaming me for doing the same she is I just went to a bar with a friend .

And met 3 nice ladies and got a # from one and called her but i was honest with w about it that i met some one that night and I called her she wanted to know everything and wanted to kick her [email]A@@[/email] i was like why? she said your my H I said but you don't want to be with me any more sounds like she can do what she wants and i can't she asked me if i had a girlfriend said no


Thank you for everyone's comment

I think thing are still the same but a little diff she still seems withdrawn and saying she don't care this and that or what i think and feel, She seems to be trying to fight with me all the time, but i am above all that i have nothing more to fight about.

I did a lb today that i new better but it is hard to react to something as strong as I hate you ,I am trying to show her en but she is not responsive at all she askes me why i am loving in the beginning of day and that night i acted diff ernt but she said some thing that i do not want a sepparation legal

But i wondering is all this really worth It? I really do trully love my wife and would give my life for her but right now i think she is seeing mor pressure from me than anything that i need to stop she is confused or fogged up right now she said i was snooping around damn right i was she would do the same thing if i was acting the way she is.

any advice thx

she seems to be bouncing back and forth from day to day I am just listening now and trying to bee supportive i think she is starting to fill out the en questionear which is giving me hope I am just doing my best at living right now and beeing there if she needs me our relationship is a day to day process and it will be fore a while i feel but she is talking more and not yelling or fighting she is still kinda angry outbursts at me at times all i got at this moment

J

Post deleted by underchange1

Sounds like you are doing a good Plan A. Remember, you need to do a great one for several months, without expecting anything in return. Also be sure to spend good quality time with your daughter, because you are her father, and the OM can't compete with THAT.

no one will ever be her daddy but me she is my world has been since she was born yeah i am trying to stick to the plan and not lb and deposit into the l bank I am unsure if my w is still involved om
right now i am not even bothering with her a i am working on me yes I am hurt extremely and I am still maddly in love with her always have just never showed it much and I use to avoid conflict by just being on this damn comp all the time not looking at porn building web pages by html quite time consuming and doing graphic by scratch so my interest got in the way of her en we some times had sexual dry spells not by my choice she seemed like she never was interested.


thankyou for the comment Believer and i am gonna keep with my plan for a few months hope fully she see's all the effort and love i am putting towards saving our m whch i should have along time ago I was thoughtless and selfish but now w and my d the most important things to me nothing else matters , i don't think i can leave my m if i don't give every bit of my energy to save what i trully want

MMM not getting much advice here

I am still stuck in this loveless marriage mostly because i keep smothing her right now she seems like she is the same way but doesn't want anything from me i try to let thing be the way they are but I am not happy what makes me happy is showing her how I feel ie affection ,and conversation she says she wants sf but not with me i feel hurt because i want her in all ways but Iam not only into having sex with her she say that all i want we are fine for a day or 2 then she keeps saying things to me like we are just like this, we have to live like this maybe i should try to just listen to her complaints and how she feels and show her I understand how she feels but my feeling start to overide what i am saying and i see myself

becoming wishy washy about thing wen she says certain thing I do know what i want she seems to not care we have past problems that keep comming out of how i wasn't there for her that i wasn't supportive that i don't protect her i am doing all those things I have told here that if money is the only reason why were together that isn't a ggood enough reason she says she can't afford to be on her own I think she is giving payback for all the past years and holding so much resent ment I have a few thing that i resent her for and some of them are the same as her's .

she says she needs to get Laid and things like that knowing i want her she seems to be holding sex over my head but that is not my biggest need might have use to be but needs change I am lonly over this as she was in past i do relise the things i have done to her i have been totally faithful and she has never had a pa That i am aware of she said that she was in love with a guy a few years ago, i never listened i admit i was so self centered back then and selfish a lot of it started when we were engajed i got scarred and took her ring back {I hurt over this because i know it hurt her extremely } we didn't have a wedding that is one thing i totally regret and will because i know i stole that from her dreams those are some of the thing s i dwell on that i have done wrong .I have said some hurt full things to her but she is not innocent either she has said things that have made become the person that she was unhappy with

She says i sucked the live out of her she started a job like 5 years ago that had a strain on our m she was not happy with her job wich made her unhappy with life and me the thing is i didn't know how to fix it. However I do now but I feel it is to late Every thing i have done in the past were me being a bad husband but i didn't know how to be there the way she needed me and when i tried she didn't believe me I have wrote here letters recently telling her how i feel and that i own up to our past issues that I don't deserve her that i cant change the past but i can make the future but she says thing that rip me apart inside.

The worst thing right now I am like a faucet now she get me just flowing about this and i just keep talking about it till she gets mad and starts saying really mean hurtful things I am trying to be strong over this It took me so long to get in touch with my feeling and one i turn them on it is hard to turn off i want her to see how i feel i need to let my actions do the work so maybe if i keep working on myself shell come around or i can only hope she does Maybe i should just stop telling her how i feel and think before i say anything that is a form o lb ing i am trying to get through

I sometimes i feel like i am losing it i feel the way I do but then i say things like maybe i should find some one else she says i don't care is she having her own issues with her self she says she doesn't care anymore alot I am taking every thing she says personnally and fighting back should i just let her say whatever she wants and not be vocal a bout how it makes me feel because i think that is how we got to this point in the first place I have told her that i have changed {prolly not a good thing to say } i need to show her the changes instead of telling her then i second guess what i say such as I want our m to work that i love here unconditionally is this me being weak I know women don't want a weak man i am so sure we can get through this i believe that we are ment to be together she says i don't take care of her i try the best i can finacially I come from a family that wasn't really supportive and wern't really loving and it is something that i have just found out it is the root cause of the way i have treated my m in the past I am going to IC to make my self happy agian but she seems to like to tear me back down when i am feeling good about myself and seem like i am moving on evry time i get away and not pressing the problems she seems to start it all over agian If anyone has some words of wisdom I would love to hear it i am caught between a rock and a hard place

Underchange1

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