Just wondering how many feel it's appropriate for someone you're dating to maintain friendships with the opposite sex.

What if they were former lovers?

Thanks in advance for your replies.

Titleist

my experience has been that it is playing with fire..

friends are ok as long as they do NOT interfere in the relationship or take time away from the person you are dating. i do NOT believe friends of the opposite sex should be leaned upon or used to talk to about relationship issues. it is wayyyy to easy to get an emotional attachement going that way and that is playing with fire.

i have personally btdt and i have experienced it as well from the other side.

i think there needs to be very specific boundaries concerning friends of the opposite sex if they are single and esp if they are former lovers.

just my opinion and my credo. goes for me and whomever i may be dating.

mlhb

Welllll, I'll stick my two cents in here - as this is a sore subject with me lately (See Jealousy Rears Its Head thread).

I'm all for having friends of both sexes, married friends, single friends, gay and lesbian friends - I say the more friends the merrier - however, if one of these so called "friends" is of the skanky variety, well then - I've got a problem........

I would be upset if my BF stated that he would prefer I have NO friendships with other men (too controlling), but then again, I am NOT of the skanky variety....

no, i would never tell a bf they could not have friends of the opposite sex nor would i want to be told that i couldn't. however, i do not turn to male friends if i am having relationship problems, i turn to my female ones. i had a male friend when i was married and separated. i turned to him whenever i needed to talk and you know what? we got a very strong emotional attachment. then there was some flirting going on, etc...

long story short, i was definitely distracted from working on my marriage.

i guess it is a case by case basis. if we are all friends together that is fine. if a bf has female friends that i am not introduced to or that i get to establish a friendship with as well... i don't think that is kosher. if you are in a relationship you all should be able to be friends.

i just think it is an area where you need to be careful. always be honest with your partner/bf/gf. if these opposite sex friends are just friends then there should be nothing to hide and your partner should know when you are hanging out with them, etc...

to me sneakiness equals something to hide....

mlhb

I have a similar thread going on another board on this subject, except it was for married couples.

I still have similar views regarding this matter. If you are dating and are committed to each other, then no, it's not a good idea to have that kind of friendship. Now if you are unattached or casual dating with no committment, then by all means keep your friendship.

If my fiance was having a friendship with a former lover, I would have a huge problem with that! Thank goodness we're both on the same page.

I have male friends and if we ever go to meet for lunch, I always make sure there are other mutual friends that come along too.

This has always been my belief. My XWH proved me right. We were friends with another couple, we had known them for 12 years and then my former friend who eventually became MOW started working with my XWH. They started commuting together, having lunch together, and then A started. XWH gave me the line, "She's a friend what harm can happen?" Ummmm.... 19 years of marriage down the toilet and 5 children with broken home, a destroyed relationship with his 2 oldest children and the youngest child too.

I think any "friend" that is bad for the relationship should go. The couple should make new friends together.

I can't remember how many threads I've posted on "friends", ex-lovers, and ex-wives that have cause so much grief in my relationship with my fiance.

We've fought so many times over his need to maintain close relationships with people that treat me like dirt that I don't even want to get married any more.

Sunny

oh sunny -- that doesn't sound good at all.

why do people treat you like dirt....and why do either of you allow it?

whats going on?

Friends of the opposite sex are OK as long as they are kept in their place and ALL your activities with them are 100% transparent and knowable to your new g/f.

Former lovers is another issue. Sounds to me like an accident waiting to happen.

Let me add one reason for being careful. I have a number of opposite sex friends. During the many times when I have not been dating somebody on a regular basis, several of them have offered to have a FWB relationship. This has always amazed me as I was raised to believe that women reserved sex for committed relationships (read marriage). My point is to be aware that those female friends may be wanting more than just a good conversation.

Many of us here have heard the old line, "We are just friends." so it is a sore subject...

I do believe you can have opposite sex friends but there have to be clear boundaries. If I was dating a woman that had a male friend that she called to just talk... well, I think I would be jealous. I would expect she would have the same set of boundaries for me.

If you are in relationship, and still have opposite sex friends, you need to make sure your partner knows about it and there are no secrets.

I think it depends on what point in the relationship your at.

If the relationship is new, I think it's good if they are open about their friends but you don't really have a right to ask for limits.

If married or engaged, you shouldn't have ANY friends that you confide in more than your mate and all opposite sex friends should be joint friends.

The problem is that area between. Hopefully you can slowly build the relationship without destroying friendships, but sometimes the two can't coexist.