I posted this before but having read a lot of posts I thought you may be able to help. Thank you and I need all the help I can get right now (it has been about 6+_ months).

I would like to call my H's friends- I was trying to protect him from embarrassment but he is now getting more mean. Is this a good idea to expose? Do you mention the affair? Do you ask them to call? Do you talk about the OW? What is the general tone? Do you warn them about the WS fog and what they can say ie bad mouth you, justify the affair etc.? Do you give them details? I really would like to help my h as I believe he is struggling with depression. His change of behavior is so extreme. Am I fooling myself?

sahmom,

You can start as many new threads as you want asking the same things over and over. There is no charge for doing so, but understand (sorry, but this is a bit of a 2X4) there is no magic pill that anyone here can give you or your WS that will magically make this all go away.

There are things that YOU must do that will HELP end the A, but DO THEM YOU MUST!!!!

Here is some great advice for new folks here:


To new betrayed spouses. I hope you are fortunate to find this site early - which means before you have a chance to go too far down the wrong path in dealing with your new challenge.

I'll offer you what I call WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses. Think of it sorta like affair First Aid, or a life preserver - not the answers, just something to help in the initial confusion.

This fills a void I think that exists for guidance in the early stages of an affair when most are caught off guard and feel hopeless. This comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other betrayed spouses I have read about for many months. I believe this to be consistent with Marriage Builders principles, but I acknowledge I am an amateur and no one should act on this advice alone.

OK, here it is:

WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses

Rule 1: Don't try to make sense out of what's happening. You are not dealing with rational people, so your normal thought processes won't work. This is exactly why you're confused. Your spouse will act as if he/she has been abducted by aliens and had their brains scrambled. Just watch and don't take any of this personally. If you can do it calmly, confront your spouse with any solid evidence you have of the affair, but expect denials and lies beyond belief.

Rule 2: Don't be in a hurry. There is little, if anything, you can directly do to separate the affairees. They have to do this on their own. The affair will end. To hasten it's end, do not interfere with it. The fact is that there may be almost nothing you can do right now to make it better but there is a WHOLE LOT you can do to make it worse. On the other hand, there is a LOT you can do indirectly to compel the affairees to end the affair on their own. Read this post and all its responses: On revealing the affair to the light of day

Rule 3: All snooping is good and necessary - but be ready for an ANGRY reaction if your snooping is detected. Refer to Rule 1. Think NOT of snooping as disrespectful spying, but as necessary affair research. If caught, you will be accused of "invading my privacy!" Respond, "No, I was revealing your secrecy." In some cases, contacting the OP may be beneficial, but in other cases, a disaster. Read this post and all it's responses: On contacting the OP

Rule 4: Don't beat yourself up for "causing" the affair. You are partly responsible for creating the environment which made the affair possible, and you need to examine yourself critically to see what changes you need to make, but you are NOT responsible for your spouse's decision to have an affair. Nonetheless, your wayward spouse will likely accuse you of all sorts of misdeeds, rewrite your marital history exaggerating trivial issues, and shift blame to you in their attempt to lessen their guilt and justify their decisions. In affairs, culprits abound except in the mirror.

Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your life. You are a prime candidate for depression, so see a doctor if you feel like you're having difficulty coping. You may need anti-depressants. You are also a prime candidate for your own affair. DON'T DO IT!

Rule 6: Do not recruit your spouse's family in an attempt to "help." If they ask questions, answer honestly, but in the long run, do not expect their support - if you get it anyway, consider it a bonus. Blood IS thicker than mud. Read this post and all its responses: On involving/informing the WS's family

Rule 7: Do not expect too much right away from the wayward spouse even if they have already ended the affair. It may feel like you are they only one who is trying to save the marriage. You are not a doormat, just a loving, faithful spouse.

Rule 8: You will be told by well intending "advisors" to "Throw him/her out!!!" or, "Say good bye and don't look back!!" Instead of following this advice, learn everything you can from books, websites like this one, and counselors about the ways to find the silver lining in this cloud. Seek advice as soon as possible.

Rule 9: In ongoing affairs, if your spouse's OP is also married, consider informing the OP's spouse if you know their identity. The purpose for this is to reveal the affair on the other side which may motivate the OP to end it. This should not be done without guidance. Read this post and all its responses: On informing OP's spouse of the affair

Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of affairees are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair.

WAT

You have gotten great advice here, it is now time for you to follow some of it.

Who

SAHM,yes it is a good idea to expose. Protecting him ENABLES him because affairs thrive on secrecy. If he is "embarrassed" it is becuase he is doing something embarrassing. He SHOULD be embarrassed.

I would suggest making up up a list of KEY people in his life, such as parents, CLOSE friends, employer [if a workplace affair}, close siblings and exposing to them on the same day.

You tell them about the affair and ask for their advice and support. You give them the full name of the OW and just enough details to convey the point. The purpose of your call is to ASK FOR HELP and you let them suggest the style of help they can offer.

And the point is to EXPOSE, so if anyone wants to keep it a "secret" from the WS that they know, ask them not to, because that would be enabling.

Your H will be furious after you do this, so just be prepared for that.

SAHM, you might also want to have a come-to-Jesus with the OW. Your H might be lying to her about his marital status. You would want to let her know that you will be fighting for your marriage and she have some trouble on her hands if she intends on busting up your family. If his parents are supporting you, let her know that her future will be none too bright with your H because she is not fit to be introduced to his family.

Thank you MelodyLane and Whome for your advice. I apologize for posting- I am at a complete loss and probably don't want to accept that my loving h has turned into this "other" person. Unfortunately, his parents support him and she is motivated b/c she was forced to give up alimony so she has to try everything in her power to stay with him. I am so hurt and wounded I can't fight and I am getting run over. I keep writing hoping the anger will come it hasn't just sadness. Thank you for being patient with me and for helping me.

SAHM, what do you mean when you say "his parents support him?" They are kicking his [censored] for being a bum? In what way are they supportive? Do they know the TRUTH?

He told me they did and then they told me I should move on because he did all he could for the marriage and he has been miserable the whole time and they are upset with me for making their kid so sad. I don't believe they know the timeframe of everything and I can own my part of the marriage but I am telling you I didn't know he was unhappy. He told me it was over a few days after I had miscarried we even talked about trying again the next month. I know they are treating me like I am the wrong one and I put their kid through all of this bad stuff. He told me I wasn't allowed to call his family and by now the family that I adored probably is mad at me. I am really hurt by all of this too- more than you could imagine. I have remained quiet b/c I am ashamed of the whole thing. I am just really hurt. I just don't get any of this. He knows I am down and he is leaving. Thanks ML for your support- any advice- I want to get my marriage back at least to counseling so we can deal with the truth. I think it would be could for the both of us but he refuses. Thanks again.

I would call them up and tell them the CORRECT STORY. If the story came from your H it is likely SPUN with you starring as the head DEMON. Ask them to help you save your marriage for the sake of their grandchildren.

As far as them saying you shouldn't call there, did you hear that from their LIPS? Waywards are liars so you can't believe what he says.

I realize that some parents don't give a DAMN about their kids and will enable them in behaving like PIGS, but really that is rare. Maybe it is true that his parents don't give a damn, but I would not believe it until you know they know the TRUTH and hear it from their lips.

And who is this OW? Have you exposed to her family? Is she married?

OK. Have you ever told your IL's that their son is having an affair?

How do you know what your WH has told them to insure they don't support you? ANswer is you don't know what lies he is telling anyone and because you are afraid or unwilling to speak for your self, all anyone is ever going to hear is HIS side of the story.

What is it that you aren't telling us here? Why are your IL's so sure that you have made your WH so miserable?

Why won't you stand up for yourself and set people straight?

If you don't act pretty quickly, people are going to end up believing what ever bull poop he is feeding them and feeling sorry for him to boot.

What's up SAHM???

Who

sahm ~

Forgive me for not reading your whole thread, I may be too late, you may have already exposed, but if not, I wanted to link my exposure thread for you.

I did a pretty thorough exposure, after a 10 month false recovery (I didn't know about MB and did not expose properly the first time)...NOTICE WHAT HAPPENED! The A never died, and we wasted a LOT of time, and recovery is MUCH harder.

My exposure this time killed the A. Here it is:

MF's Exposure Thread

P.S. WhoMe is asking you some good questions...I hope you are thinking about them.

Melodylane, Whome, Married Forever:
Thank you for your replies. I will try and answer the questions. The OW is now separated and I figure they know. The Inlaws heard my husband's side and unfortunately, he now believes everything is my fault and for a while I did too but ever since the beginning my friends and family have told me he is rewriting history. It is only now I can see that. The reason why I don't stand up for myself isn't that I believe I was to blame or it was my fault it really is that I am so hurt that my husband could have been hurting to such a degree to do this. I didn't know and he didn't tell me. He always said all was well. We have been through so much I didn't look deeper into his statement and I was very sad at the time he said it was over I couldn't fight for my marriage. My IL think he was the perfect husband and although I stood beside him at times he was down and out they don't know that or see that all they probably see is someone who sent their kid to "adultery". I also don't have the stomach for any of this really. I appreciate the post about the exposure thread. MarriedForever, where do things stand now? I am thinking of you- I can't imagine your hurt but I applaud your courage and strength.

To all,
I tried the exposure on my sister and I still was asking for people to be my h's friend. I am afraid I will make it so they feel sad for him. In some ways, I too feel sad he has mad such a mess. I think the message of helping our family gets lost in trying to still help him. How do I need to fix this aspect of my thinking? My exposing and how I do may lead to everyone believing he is right in committing adultery and poor him. I am working on realizing he is to blame for all of this and not a good friend to me. Any help or advice so that I don't turn exposing into giving him a forum to help him further commit adultery?

When you expose the affair, you simply let family, friends, work, etc. know that you love your husband and desire to stay married, and would appreciate any help they could give in supporting your marriage against the affair. You don't need to say he is a terrible person.

SAHM, did you expose the affair to the OW H and her side of the family? Not that it really makes any difference, but how do you know she is seperated?

MelodyLane,
How do you become stronger? I know I am against the affair I just feel sad that I didn't know he was unhappy and I think that is what is undermining my ability to move forward and protect myself. I want to beat this thing - so my h and I can raise our kid and be happy. I don't want it to win. How and also I am terrified he is in trouble as well and he is going to be burned by the OW. I am guessing she is separated b/c he has been threatened he will be sued for adultery and he is running around the town with her so I am guessing she is. Any advice on the strength part b/c I am concerned due to my nature of being hurt and kind I will cause myself more grief by this exposure.

SAHM,


It really is time for you to stop guessing and start building your book of facts.

Read the Spying 101 thread and gather your information.

And please stop believing that this is happening because YOU did something to make your WH sad.

This is happening because your WH is feeling like he is entitled to do what ever feels good for him.

Let me ask you this. How is what he is doing right now making you feel? How is it affecting your child?

Any sign that your WH cares or has even noticed?



More grief? Your Husband is gone. Your marriage is over. Your Husband is parading around town with an OW that you don't even know is separated or divorced. Your WH is saying heaven knows what about you as a wife and mother.

You have been advised here and can easily read story after story about exposure and how it worked. You can read many threads here where BS state again and again that they should have exposed completely and much sooner than they did.

So you don't want to expose, or are afraid to. Doing nothing, which is what you have been doing, hasn't worked so far, so why not follow the advise given that has worked for so many here?

Who

sahm ~

I am glad you read my exposure thread. That happened in early March of this year, I went straight into a very dark Plan B (kicked WH out of the house, had NO CONTACT with him at all), and did not agree to talk to him or attempt recovery until he agreed to meet my full conditions. He was out of the house for about 7 weeks.

He did, and we are now in reovery. Recovery is hard, but the FIRST STEP is to do major exposure.

When you expose, sahm, you simply tell people that "my H and OW are having an affair, and I am doing everything I can to save my marriage and family. I am asking you, friends and family, to encourage both my H and the OW to end their relationship and do the right thing, which, for my H, would be to come home to his wife and child".

You are not bad-mouthing, slandering, name-calling or any other such thing. You are JUST ASKING FOR HELP, and trying to save your marriage.

I hope that Belle Bellevue will pop in and tell you her story. She did not expose, and now they are divorcing.

EXPOSURE IS CRUCIAL. Affairs are all fun and fantasy when they are protected under the darkness of secrecy; once they are exposed to the light of day, and the affairees see the look of disgust on everyone's face, they are not so much fun.

My H was MAD at me for exposure. And he KNEW about MB and how exposure works (I only did small-time exposure when I found out the first time ~ I didn't know about MB. And look what happened ~ they just took the A further underground).

Remember ~ your marriage can withstand your husband's anger; it canNOT withstand an on-going affair.

Grow some cajones, girl, and EXPOSE!

I decided to expose to help my H and the WS does not seem concerned. He does not seem as if he is in the wrong. He justifies his actions and does not admit to the A and says I am the one who made him unhappy. I do not want to get into a he/she said with friends. I had hoped to reach through the fog to find my H but I found out how cold the WS really is. Any ideas?

Not talking with the WS- remaining silent. Good idea?

How are you mind and heart? Are they in sync yet? Needs to be in order to execute a good plan B. Remember about identifying your personal and M boundaries? Hate to keep harping but until you do your homework in those areas, it will be hard to help you move forward.

L.

Orchid,
I appreciate it. I am waiting on the books you rec. but where do I find the idea about M boundaries on this site. I appreciate your so called harping I think it is what I need to keep moving forward.