vercswife - I was going to ask if there was a possibility that you were depressed when I saw you posted this. I was severely depressed and suffering from really bad anxiety when I had my A. I'm convinced it was the adrenaline rush I was more addicted too than anything else. The thing is the A was only a temporary bandaid. The longer I was in it and deceiving my family it didn't work (the adrenaline) like it was supposed to. I only got worse over time. I lost a lot of weight and started grinding my teeth at night (something I had never done prior).

The thing that helped me was getting on an antidepressant. I took Effexor XR for a year and a half. It completely killed any desire I had to have an A. As a matter of fact, the idea began to repulse me, as it should of course!! I was relieved to feel that way again. I began to have a much better relationship with my family, the depression and anxiety had literally been crippling me.

If I were you, I'd look more into if this is why you feel so "different" than the prior years. Going on the antidepressant was LITERALLY a lifesaver for me. I shudder to think where I'd be now if I hadn't.

yes i have thought of this, i am going to see if i can deal with the insane amount of mystery and suspcicion i have first. I would rather not have to ask for a lie detector test, but for peace of mind it might be a good idea.

IMHO, this is a big mistake. You already KNOW that she is capable of fooling you when she so chooses. At least this way, you will know that everything is on the table. People like your wife are the reason polygraphs were made.
Also, if you really believe she wants this relationship, she should be EAGER to do this for you....that's right EAGER. She should jump at any chance to prove that her words are now above reproach.

I did it your way for a long time and was fooled. The polygraph is the way to go.

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Honestly I am inclined to agree with you, she did such a complete turn around from the person i knew the 12 years before. I don't want to minimize the amount of complacency and neglect i contrributed which set this whole thing in action BUT.
we had been very very happy for 12 years and after the second child she started to lose her value system, started saying things which were not like her at all. Over materialism, expressing moral values which were not like her. She suddenly saw her family life as a prison and expressed it so.

Verc... the almost exact same thing happened to me. The thing that set me off was the sudden death of my mom. She was diagnosed with cancer and went quickly. It was very painful and I spiralled out of control after wards.

My H didn't understand what I was going thru and at first wasn't supportive. When he finally did get on board and supported me seaking treatment, it was huge.

I have to run now, I'll be back tomorrow. I'm so glad you guys are seeking support on this! I'd love to see you succeed.

I had gone to a psychologist and was diagnosed with anxiety, compulsive disorder and depression. Dr. recommended i see the psychiatrist and need medication but very expensive. Trying to get it on the insurance.
I had a death in the family as well and after that remember telling my husband i was having a mid life crisis. In both A- first with the phone calls then w/ the emails I felt no control- very compulsive-like an addiction.
i don't like the idea of taking antidepressants but i would be willing too, if it would help. I want to feel like my old self again. I would like to be happy again- and to see my H and family happy.

verswife...would you submit to a polygraph? Do you see the gift that would be to your H?

as far the antidepressants...exercise has equal efficacy as AD's. It should be group aerobic exercise at least three times per week.
As far as the cost...sertraline(Zoloft) is now available in generic form. Prozac is also, but that would be a poor choice with your anxiety. Sertraline would cover the symptoms you described...is mostly weight neutral...causes some somnolence though.

Exercise is always a first line approach in my thinking.

I would do a polygraph no problem. I have been honest with him. i have caused him ENOUGH pain. I want to move forward with clean slate. It would serve me no purpose to lie at this point. The only chance we have to work this out is if I tell him the truth. If he were to find out something in the future we would be done. I have told him the truth about my infidelities. We just do not have $500 to do this test I feel therapy for me would be more beneficial. I agree w/ you about the meds. I do work out at least three times a week and it has helped but obviously not enough. I would be willing to try medication temporarily if it would help. I am a health nut and do not believe in all these medications but I want things to work out with my H and for the sake of our children.

find the money...you can get them done for 300-350 if you negotiate.

Vercswife,

I have a few thoughts for you to consider. One way out of the situation you are in as well as the depression, is more straightforward than people realize. It isn't often used because it requires action and dedication.

The way out is a plan. Sounds simple doesn't it. But, when I state I plan to lose 20 lbs, that is NOT a plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I am talking about a detailed plan with milestones, rewards, incentives, feedback the whole thing. It would require your H to get on board as well.

If you and he sat down and decided to make a marriage recovery plan, perhaps using this site and the information in Harley's books and articles as a template <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> , my bet is that you will find along with exercise that your depression will start to lift. Your H's depression will start to lift, and you both just might recover this marriage.

Now let me talk about this plan a bit. It requires total honesty on both of your parts. It requires a vision of what a good and healthy marriage would look like to the both of you. It would require addressing certain needs in a timely fashion with rewards for both if these are met. You have to POJA the milestones, the rewards, the time scale. It would require you both to learn form the past and use it NOW, for your future.

It would require you BOTH to really know what you need, and be able to tweek that as you go forward and learn more.

Are you seeing this? I would imagine it make take up to a month for you two to formalize and write down your plan, make charts with milestones, goals, assessment periods, etc.

What people don't really realize Harley is saying as are many counselors these days is that one MUST plan for success. Harley is big on plans because they provide framework through which the natural good in people can come out. One of the things you should list is what you WANT to give your H. He would need to make a separate but similar list.

You both need to list what you WANT/NEED from the other. Also remember the difference between children and adults is that
Make your lists with this in mind. My bet is that as you progress and see improvement in yourself and more importantly inyour H, YOU will feel better about things and want more of that.

I know your H seems out of gas, but he would NOT be here IF he did not deep in his heart have hope that the woman he loves and loved actually loved and respected him. He has no proof of that right now, he simply has hope. Make the hope real but starting to plan to succeed.

Think about it, seek advice here, and realize this will take time, but first it takes thought and action.

I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

thank you for that post Justlearning

excellent advice

I agree that you shouldn't just jump to medication. I didn't. It actually took me 2 years of suffering and trying 3 antidepressants that didn't work for me before I found one that worked. I exercised a lot and it didn't help. I was very active, as a matter of fact I couldn't even take a nap on the weekend if I wanted to. I had so much nervous energy. I lost a lot of weight because I simply could not eat. I'd feel hungry and as soon as I'd try to eat I'd feel like I was going to throw it up.

My H had the same attitude as MEDC in the beginning. It's all in your mind, you can change, exercise more, you've got a great life, what are you depressed about. I was never formally diagnosed with it, but I think I had PTSD. I couldn't stand the phone ringing... I had received so much bad news regarding my mom via the phone. I couldn't watch TV, every show I watched it seemed had someone dying of cancer on it. I couldn't even watch a show where they were digging up bones from 1000 years ago. My heart would start pounding and my chest would get all tight. I began having severe panic attacks. It was awful.

For a while when I began the A my panic attacks went away. I had something to focus my brain on and I was addicted to the adrenaline rush. It was only a temporary fix though. As I felt worse about being deceptive I found my issues were still there.

I began to do some research, I was tired of feeling the way I was. Like you said, I wanted to be my old happy go lucky self. My mom dying had shattered my sense of comfort. I found through research that sometimes the chemicals in your brain can become so out of balance, from an event such as the one I went thru, that it is very hard to recover from.

After confessing my A I got REALLY sick with broncitis. I was the thinnest I've been since HS probably. I weighed 115 and I'm 5'8" tall. I didn't look healthy, I looked pale and drawn. My H finally stopped giving me grief over going on an antidepressant. My sister told me about effexor. It does have some side affects but I found them manageable. You can't quit cold turkey, that's for sure, that makes you feel the worst. You have to taper off. I had no trouble getting off of it after taking it a year and a half. I've been off it almost 4 yrs now and I've had very very little anxiety and no depression.

I understand about your insurance, that can be a major road block. If it's not possible to get on anything, your only true option is exercising, making sure you eat plenty of healthy foods (low blood sugar makes you feel anxious) and get good rest. I just wanted to tell you not to feel bad if you do need it. A lot of people will treat you like you've failed in some way if you have to take it. That simply isn't true.

FCF..just to be clear...I do NOT believe it is all in your mind. It is a chemical reaction in the body. I have read many clinical trials...I had to, it was my job to sell Zoloft for a few years, that clearly stated that exercise was just as efficacious as AD's. Exercise releases chemicals in the body that help increase seratonin and other chemicals thought to lead to depression. SSRI's (AD's) work by limiting the uptake of seratonin...exercise works by increasing these chemicals. But I do not minimize the disease state at all...I just know from clinical trials that many people can get out of depression with a pharmaceutical aid.

I have never seen anyone on this site suggest that anyone has failed if they need a SSRI. That simply is not something that is accurate. But trying other methods first is a good idea from both a health and finacial perspective.

So, clearly, I do not have the same attitude about this disease as your H.

Thank you for clearing that up. Is it considered a disease?


edited for typos

Yes it is.

The NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health) calls it the invisible disease.

But like other diseases, depression has more than a pharmaceutical answer for some. Heart disease and diabetes come to mind. People would always do well to research alternative methods before reaching for a drug. SSRI's are great for a lot of people...but some people have much more toruble getting off them. believe it or not, they also increase the risk of suicide in some patients.

I hope this helps.

MEDC

thank you for your post. we are trying..but can be so overwhelming and the depression for both of us doesn't help. i like your idea about a detailed plan w/ milestones, incentives, rewards etc...reading Harley's Your Love & Marriage, I have his needs/ her needs, 5 steps to romantic love, love busters and some workbooks on order. Any other recommendations for reading that would help us layout such a plan and help us stay on track?
your post has been very helpful thank you again

Vercswife?
do you KNOW your H is hurting?
Do you think he has trouble believing in you right now?
Do you think he doubts that you have been historically honest?
Are you aware of anything you can do fro your H to answer those issues?
I do. And I can tell you from first hand experience that any WS that balks at taking a polygraph has NOT been truly honest about her infidelity. I can tell you that a WS should JUMP at the chance to prove their honesty...rather than having it hashed out again and again.
You know the way to help your H with at least this aspect of HIS recovery. Offer him the gift of PROVING that you have been totally honest....that is, if you have been.

i'm not saying NO to the meds. I need to see a psychologist to work threw some issues, continue my spiritual counseling as well as our marriage counseling and keeping to our detailed recovery plan. I believe that if we keep to our plan and work on us, our marriage, meeting each other's emotional needs it will help with my depression. if not then we can look at antidepressants. whatever it takes.

Hurting is putting it mildly... i've destroyed him, betrayed him and abandoned him. does he trust me? ofcourse not. this is the most difficult and most hurtful thing we have experienced. it was hard for me to face my H and be honest with him about what i had done. i hadn't faced it myself. i believed that because there was no sex i hadn't done anything so wrong. but it was all the lies and me being dishonest.if he really needed me to do a polygraph i would. i have been honest about my infidelities. it took me a long time to come to terms with what has happened and i feel i need therapy to still sort threw the whys and understand so this never happens again.
just sounds a little extreme to do a polygraph...not opposed if it would bring piece of mind. but my husband is not really pushing for that. i have told him about my A's.

IMO, it isn't a matter of your H pushing this...it should be YOU offering it up as a GIFT to him so that at least these things are off his plate right now. YOU doing something for him...and polygraphs take three hours out of your life... I see NOTHING extreme about that....now, forgiving someone for an A is EXTREME. Wasting days, weeks, months or years to get to the truth is extreme. 3-4 hoursw out of your day to take a test that you already know you will pass should be nothing more than a walk in the park for you.