Lucy, do you spy on your husband? If you don't that is part of the problem. I would be watching him like a HAWK so you know if he so much as burps while out of your presence. The fact that he was able to carry on this EA with another woman tells me that you are not taking care to check up on him. He has the freedom to carry on a secret second life. That should not happen.

I only hope that you take steps to make sure that can't happen again, starting with putting keyloggers on his computers and perhaps a wiretap on your phone. Do you monitor his cell phone bill? Have you looked at it?

Are you saying that they work together? If they do, one needs to change jobs.

Like I said before, people who have nothing to hide, don't hide. You have a problem on your hands, but I suspect you will have to catch him in bed with another woman before you will believe that.

Your H is lying to you, Lucy. It makes no sense to believe that this woman had a trip planned with him and that he knew nothing about it. That makes no sense. You are not getting the full story about this.

Would your H be willing to take a polygraph test?

And too bad he deleted all those emails! He could have EXONERATED HIMSELF with them if he was telling the truth!

I wonder what would have happened if the OWH had not busted them?

I think that her hubby found the lingerie in her bags, and she told him about your hubby, and THEN your hubby cancelled the trip. That makes more sense.

I would be watching him carefully.

Probably H was thinking about cancelling and when her H found out, that helped make the decision not to go.

If OWH had not found out, then my H might or might not have gone on his trip. If he did, she would have wanted to meet him and he might or might not have... probably would but with misgivings. If they had met, they would have talked about their respective Ms, she would have made clear her intentions, and he would have resisted/rebuffed her or not. I know this assumes he is telling the truth now... obviously if that's not the case then they would have met up and had an A.

My H knew she was going to be in the same city. He did not know if this was coincidence or if she planned it that way. It is the 2nd time she "coincidentally" was in the same city at the same time so I'd put my money on her planning it. Assuming he did not plan it, then it was stupid of him to tell her of his plans. Then again, if he is telling the truth, he was not aware that she was interested in having an A. (Actually he says she wanted to leave her H and for my H to leave me for her... that he found this out when her H found out.)

Yes I agree I should watch him carefully. But generally speaking, how long does a BS spy on her FWH? Forever? A lot at first and then every once in a while after that?

Yes H would be willing to take a test, and I am considering that. How would I ago about setting this up? He would also be willing to call the MC and set things up. He has always been willing to do anything I or the MC asked. He reads anything I ask him to. He's not into posting. Maybe now he will. He also is thinking about what new boundaries to put in place. Is that enough? Of course it would be better if he did more.

No they do not work together. He did a training somewhere, a one time thing, and she was one of the trainees. He told everyone at the training that they could call him; she did. She lives in another city and there is no reason they should ever have to see each other or communicate with one another again.

I really appreciate your responses and helping me work through this!!

Lucy, I think it would be a great idea to set up a polygraph test for him and ask him if he had planned on meeting her at the hotel for sex. I would also ask if he slept with her the last time she "coincidentally" was in the same city at the same time. I suppose on that trip she tried to meet him and he refused, right?

Oh wait! That won't "work" because he said he "just found out about her romantic feelings" before the recently planned trip! hmmmmmmmm, that just doesn't seem to add up now, does it?

I think a very good start would be to make certain you are getting the full and unadulterated truth before you proceed. You can call the police station and ask if they could recommend a polygraph tester.

You could also ask during the polygraph if there have been other affairs over the years.

p.s. his story is pure [censored], btw. He is having a full boat affair, but don't take my word for it. Have him take a polygraph so you can prove me wrong.

I asked him to take the test this morning. He agreed. Then throughout the morning he provided some additional details. He still says nothing happened physically. She had meetings in those 2 cities... I checked the internet and then her H confirmed. My H already had the dates on his calendar. It is possible that he planned the dates around her. I can't confirm. He immediately cancelled his trip when she let him know her H found out.

After that he promised her H NC. One week later she broke NC twice, and then they not only continued to email and phone each other but he admitted to her he had feelings for her, and there was some discussion of their respective sex lives.

Knowing that he lied to me right after I caught him lying and we talked about how serious that was, and knowing that (again if he is telling the truth) it was at that point that the EA escalated.... well, today I feel done. I feel like I can't trust him ever again. I feel like I should not put everything into trying to save a M with a man who can never have his needs met, whose needs are actually addictions.

I am in shock... I am feeling like someone outside myself. I cannot even think about being divorced, but it looks like that is where we are heading.

He says he has hit rock bottom. I agree that he is sorry he got caught.

Lucy, getting the full truth out is the SOLUTION, not the end. He has lied to you about this affair and getting that truth out is good. I would press forward and ask him to take the polygraph. Find out the whole truth in order to move on.

He may be a serial cheater, but they can change if they choose to be honest and make dramatic changes in their lives. PRESS FORWARD until you get the truth, Lucy.

You might also get into marriage coaching with Steve Harley. He might be able to pull this one out.

Did they meet up on those trips?

The first meeting he said they met and talked, and she was very upset and sobbing loudly so they went to her room and talked more and he hugged her/held her but nothing else happened. Her H just called me and said she admitted they met the first night for dinner and the second night had sex. The second meeting is the one he cancelled when OW's H found out.

No, H is a pathological liar. He has lied about finances before. He has an ego the size of... something very big. I gave it my all 4 years ago when I found out he'd been cheating for 8 years with 10 or 12 OW's AND OM's.

I didn't appreciate your sarcasm and pushing he's lying/I'm gullible but you were spot on Mel and I thank you for first putting and then keeping that bug in my ear.

Lucy, I am so sorry, but am utterly RELIEVED that you are getting the truth out and that you stuck with it! You at least have a chance if you are armed with the truth.

Stick with it until you are satisfied you are getting the full story! You are doing great!

I think I have enough. And I am not getting it from H but from OWH. I know this site is about building and rebuilding Ms but I can't see how that's possible.

Sometimes the definition of success is divorce, Lucy. If you decide to do that, no one would ever look down on you. Only you know what you can or can't deal with.

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:

"I gave it my all 4 years ago when I found out he'd been cheating for 8 years with 10 or 12 OW's AND OM's."

Did you mean OTHER MEN??????

Yes, 3 of them. He wanted to experiment. He always advertised himself as not caring about looks or anything else. He liked heavy women because they weren't all caught up in their bodies. I looked into sexual addiction and it didn't quite fit. He stayed on with our MC for IC for a bit, and at my request they spent a session discussing it. But maybe that was lies too.

He told me how common it is... for married men to have sex with other men. Oprah did a show on it as well. But mostly women. Even when I exposed him, I didn't expose that. People don't need to know, and I don't need it ever getting back to my kids.

Oh Lucy.......... Please tell me you are not sleeping with him. And please get tested for STDs. I am so sorry but so glad you are able to talk to us about this. You have been holding this all in, haven't you?

We had really great recovery for 3 years. The last year was rough but he was much more unhappy than I was. I just figured it would blow over. It's easy for me to just tune things out and retreat into myself or a good book. I got tested for everything 4 years ago and was fine; I should make an appointment.

All of this happened in the last 2 days. And it kept unfolding over the last 2 days.

He denies anything physical happened and says OWH is lying or playing games.