Hello all. I am a new member here and knew of this website from many years ago when my first husband cheated on me. Unfortunately I find myself here again but thankfully not for infidelity!

I recently married my second husband (3 wks ago to be exact!) after dating 18 mths. He has 3 children from his first marriage, (15,13, & 9). I have one girl who is 5. His kids live in Ohio and we are in Florida. They somehow have convinced their mom to let them come live with their dad. However, I have to be honest. I don't want them all to come live with us. I used to be okay with the middle one (boy - 13) because he listened to me the best out of all of them. When I began dating my husband I told him my daughter comes first and set this standard upfront. (She comes first as far as safety, needs, etc, I understand he needs his time, time for us alone - I learned that from here years ago! and he gets that, very often especially since we have every other weekend to ourselves - my ex married the OW).

Anyways I always wanted another child and he has had a vasectomy. He agreed that after we got married he would have it reversed because I have always wanted another child. In the months leading up to the wedding he seemed to be waivering and now when I mention it, especially with entertaining the idea of his kids coming to live with us he makes no comment and takes no action to have it reversed. I told him I was completely against his daughter coming to live with us (9) she is a bad influence on my daughter, openly fights me for her dad's attention, stabs me in the back, manipulates everything, screams, cries, calls me names, yells at me, doesn't listen to me, etc. He says that is his baby now and I say no. Besides she tells us she wants to live with us one day and the next she wants her mom. I don't feel she is old enough and mature enough to make that decision, not only that If I open the door to my house I don't want it to be a revolving door, when she gets mad then she wants to go back to Ohio, etc and that would (even he agrees) would happen. At first he was ok with just the middle child and now he is pushing for both boys (13 & 15). My issue with the older one is he is first of all stronger than me, had punched doors/walls and slammed things when he visited this summer and I was at a point where I was afraid to ask him to even do anything. He mopes around the house all day and when we try to talk to him he is a typical teenager. One week he wants to live with us, then he tells us he wants to wait till football is over, then it is back to coming to live with us, then it is waiting till homecoming is over, etc etc etc I feel he should not move down here either because he is wishy washy and because I am nervous. I have a five year old girl, what if I can't handle the teenager, etc.

A whole other factor is money, our relationship as far as I am concerned is strecthed thin. We started our own company and work out of the house and mostly do well but the last month has been very hard. We barely have enough to cover our expenses as it is and adding another mouth/body worries me. Not only that, my husband keeps yelling at me. He is very bad when the kids are down, it is like no one can speak rationally, everyone yells and I can't handle it. I told him he needed to respect my opinion and he said he didn't want to discuss the other two moving in until later. I said no we need to discuss this now, If I agree to one moving down here, I want you to understand that I am not OK with the other two living here. He told me I was trying to control him and the situation and that I was being manipulative. Then I said some hurtful things about his daughter which I should not have done, but most were true. About how I don't like her around my daughter and she is a bad influence, etc. He then threatened to call his father, I was very hurt and told him, my brand new father in law and those thoughts will always cause a strain in our relationship, I told my husband this was between us. Not us and his parents. Needless to say he said he wasn't going to leave/give up on his kids. OUr whole relationship was built on the premise of us 3 living together not us 5. I know I also am being selfish but I was upfront with him from the beginning. NOw we have money issues, his exwife is crazy and that is an understatement, he is going back on his word about having a child with me (which I know we shouldn't if he is not 100% but he lied to me there).

Basically I know I keep jumping around and I know I am ranting and raving but has anyone been through this.

Basically I feel like I just found out the my new husband, really doesn't truly love me. He doesn't want to hear how I feel and when I tell him he yells at me, tells me how bad I am and trying to control him, and goes back on his word.

I don't know what to do.

Thanks

Round Two, welcome back to marriage builders.

His children obviously mean a lot to him and I assume you wouldn’t have married a man who didn’t have some type of family values given the fact that you have a child yourself. That being said, I hear you saying over and over again that you want what’s best for your child. Does he not get that same desire? You’ve mentioned that his X is crazy and that the kids have some behavioral issues, the environment that they are in obviously has an impact on that, wouldn’t you want them to be in a safe loving home with parents modeling proper behaviors so that they can get a taste of how families are suppose to be?

Cutting to the bottom line it doesn’t appear that many issues were POJA’d (if u remember from the last time you were here that’s the Policy of Joint Agreement) and it doesn’t appear that there is a lot of flexibility. As a father of three girls who are starting to come live with me as a result of having one of those not so sweet X-wives I would say you have three options:

1. Table all discussions and IMMEDITATELY get into couples counseling. Sounds like these are some weighty issues and successful resolution without professional intervention does not seem likely. It would appear that any resolution at this point would also be met with many strongly harbored resentments on one side, the other, or both.

2. Enthusiastically welcome the opportunity to aide is raising up his children giving them the best possibility for success in life. Become educated through multiple resources on the roll of a step-mother to teen & pre-teen children. Set-up some type on integration program that includes family therapy. Provided age isn’t a factor, put the baby plans on hold until your nest begins to calm down. Do all of this only if you can do so without becoming resentful.

3. Get an annulment/divorce as soon as possible. Take some serious time to figure out why you picked a man who’s life didn’t line up with yours. Allow your child to properly grieve the loss of a family and vow to protect her from the same mistake again.

Y’all are in my prayers.

You made the decision to marry a man with three kids. If you wanted to raise your daughter in a family without other children (or specifically some of your husbands children), then you shouldn't have married this man. You are asking your husband to choose you and your daughter over his own children. To be honest I'm not surprised his kids don't like you, listen to you, or behave around you. They are no doubt aware of your feelings towards them and your desire to keep them away from their father. You either need to welcome all of his children into your home or you need to divorce your husband and riase your child in a manner that you solely dictate. In regards to your marriage his children should have the same rights to attention and involvement as yours. Your husband is upset and short with you because he knows what you are requiring of him is wrong.

Hello, RT. I also married a man with three children and I can relate to you on many levels. When we married, his ex was very careful not to let the children come over except on the exact days when the legal plan called for it. I therefore came into the marriage with the expectation that this schedule would be followed. A while after we married his ex started asking us to keep the kids other times besides the "planned" times. I am SO aversive to change...get stressed by this!!!!!

I have two children from a previous marriage and they are younger than his--I hear you about the "influence" of the older ones!!! His oldest teen was doing the "goth" thing and was scary to me. At one point she asked to come stay with us for an extended time b/c she was having problems with her mother. We talked about the "revolving door" problem and decided to tell her she could come for a week but only if we spent that week working on ways for her to cope with her mother. She declined. She actually has matured a lot since then (and so have I!!!!) and is not so threatening now : )

Here is the thing: my stepkids are VERY nice to me; very respectful, VERY helpful and VERY well-behaved. They seem to love me. And even with this, it has been HARD!!!! It is a big change, a scary thing and I think there is some vulnerability and control issue in me dealing with it all. So I can well understand that it would be huge to make these changes having come into it with a clear and expressed expectation of "the three of us" and have things changed. I feel for you and will pray for you too.

So all this said, with my experience on-going, I would agree with TABLING the decision about them moving (they seem wishy-washy anyway at this point--give them time to consider all aspects...) and you two take TIME to talk, talk, talk and respectfully let him hear about your fears and anxiety and ask him to HELP you with those things. Let him know you feel unloved. Let him know you WANT to be loving and welcoming to his kids but you are not there. Get counseling, start moving in the direction of accepting them. Lay out written ground rules and what will happen if they are not followed etc. Learn how to build a relationship with them.

Do not be discouraged that you don't love them immediately. Start with RESPECT (both ways) and build slowly and it will improve. Lower your expectations of yourself and just start with WANTING to be accepting and loving for your H's sake. I have grown SO much in this area and mostly due to my H's patience, listening to my fears and letting me change at my pace and God's grace in helping me change.

Blessings!!!!!