Seems there have been several MBers who have been pushed out of 'joint' and as a result some have quit posting and seems another got banned? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

What's up with this? All this attitude stuff from those who know better is not appreciated. Can I say that without hurting more feelings? Probably not? So why am I saying it? Because I believe we need to get back in sync for the real reason why we are here.

So I ask.....why are you here? When someone wants to know my reason, they can ask and I can tell. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

OK, I'll ask:

Why are you here, Orchid?

Ace

P.S. I'm thankful, regardless of your reason!

Aloha Ace,

Figured you'd ask. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I am here to learn and help when and where I can. No one is required to listen to me nor am I required to be available 24/7 (though it sometimes feels like it.... my choice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

So if I can here to learn and help, does it make sense to spend time making issues over small stuff? It doesn't mean we will always agree. Sometimes we say the same stuff just in a different way. That's ok. Sometimes we disagree. That s/b ok because we will disagree. Respect it. Don't get your undies all in a knot and then act childish with the name calling or other immature actions.

I am sorry Suzet got banned. I don't know what prompted it and I read this board daily. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ..... so a lot goes on I don't know but there is more than enough people posting to know we can all be of beneficial use if we work together.

Here's an example..... I don't always agree with Mimi. But I respect her. She and I have had disagreements and there are times where her posts where more helpful and for that I was grateful for her support.

I would never think of snitching on Mimi. She has told me off royally a few times. That's her choice.... guess what we are both still her posting and helping where and when we can. Our styles are different and I respect that. I believe she respects me enough also. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Whether she does or not does not give me reason to have her or anyone on here banned.

Now look, I have seen a few who should have been banned. I don't recall asking anyone t/b banned. I have asked the mods to check on a few OW's who were posting but even them, I let their actions hang themselves.

So the point of this thread is to make people think.... why make war when we s/b rendering support? Most of those posting here are already in a war zone. It is foolish to start another war on top of the A one they are dealing with.

Ok.... I will step off my soap box and go back to.... ironing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Just to be clear Orchid, Suzet ASKED Justuss to ban her. Justuss posted about this. If you're really interested, you can find the details on the locked thread Suzet's husband started. You'll need a box of kleenex though.

Hey Orchid!



When I was going through all of the A cra* way back in '87-'90, I thought I was the "only one" in the world that was dealing with adultery in my M. I was suicidal. We were stationed overseas and I didn't have anyone to talk with. I was so alone then...

My reasons for being here on MB are to:

* Give people hope that you CAN rebuild your M.
* Share what Mrs. RIF and I have learned while rebuilding our M.
* Help people that are dealing with an A (especially military families)
* Keep Idiotville on the front page during the night-shift! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



My, how true this statement is for me!!! (BTW, Mrs. RIF and I are doing great!) But it seems like I only post when I'm deployed to a war zone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF,

Thanks for sharing your reasons. I hope it will be helpful to those wondering why they are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



BK,
I went back and read what was left of those posts. What is evident is that some have left because of hurtful acts from others. My point stands.... no reason to make war.

The fight against the A is bad enough. If someone rubs me the wrong way, I try to figure out what point I may have missed. If I find it, I use it to help me improve. If I don't find any value in it, I drop it. No sense wasting time.

Remember we can't teach everyone everything and if a stubborn attitude creeps up every once in a while.... well. ... we've been here long enough to know how to at the very least... reverse babble our way out, eh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My point is it is not necessary to waste time, especially on name calling. Sticks and stones do break bones and so do bad words (i.e. name calling). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Most of us can recall as BS' how we were falsely accused. Didn't feel good then and doesn't now.

JMHO,
L.

I am here because I believe most people know very little about how adultery gets started and even less about how to stop it.

I also don't like how most victims of adultery are given outdated, ineffective advice from well-meaning friends, relatives, and even professional counselors.

Also most victims of adultery feel they are isolated while going through this horrible experience - MB's provides a much-needed place for the betrayed to support each other and to know they are not alone.

One of the most useful things this forum provides IMHO is providing the betrayed with examples of the sort of loony things the waywards say and do. While it does provide us with some much-needed entertainment on occasion (HEY - let's face it the waywards say some pretty ridiculous stuff LOL) the most important thing is that it enables us to see that the crazy-making M.O.'s of the wayward spouses definitely have a similar pattern. and this helps us to realize that WE are not crazy, we're not just imagining it all... (as some of our waywards would have us believe). There are some things that my WH said and did that I know I can't tell other people outside of this forum for the simple reason that most folks would assume I was flat out lying because the stuff WH said/did was so extremely cruel, crazy, illogical, bizarro... I don't think anyone who hasn't gone through this themselves would really believe it was possible for a formerly sane-acting spouse to go this far astray.

I also firmly believe that the wayward spouse purposely tries to make the betrayed spouse feel even more isolated, afraid, insecure, etc. because it enables them to get away with more. It's important that we help each other see when the WS is trying to bully us into submission and acceptance of the unacceptable, tries to scare us into appeasement, or tries to convince us that "it's too late", "it's all your fault", "I never loved you", etc.

I want to thank everyone here who has helped me deal with this immense betrayal. Even though in my case I was not successful at saving my marriage and family from destruction, I did at least feel supported in knowing I did the right thing in trying.

it's interesting that you ask this question, as I was just wondering that myself yesterday!

Often we hear that saying "You can't change other people, you can only change yourself", and then I wondered, then why does anyone bother to give advice, if not for the purpose of helping someone to change? Now I know that ultimately it is up to the person hearing the advice whether or not to take it to heart and implement a change, but what I see a lot is that when the advice is NOT taken, or is ignored, the one giving it gets frustrated, perhaps even angry, which is totally counterproductive. I have personally been on both sides of the fence, and neither position is cool.

Personally, I am here to help out FWW's, and to give my perspective to BS's....I don't get much time to do this, but when I do, I try to remember that the words and attitudes that were gracious, compassionate, kind, and truthful were the ones that I heard loud and clear.

Of course, I have faltered....but I learn from that and try to do better the next time.

NOW

I found MB when I was at the lowest point in my life. I was looking for help. What I found here saved more then my marriage, it saved me.

I stay to give back and because I know I still have much to learn because learning is a life-long adventure.

Why am I here? To give back what I was given by the Harleys when I came here. To give people hope that all is not lost, that they have a DEFENSE against the most horrible assault against their marriage and family. What a blessing this forum has been to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have been here, for more than five years, trying to reconcile my belief in the permanence of marriage with the reality that my husband's behavior was intolerable. I have tried many things and gotten feedback, gotten different perspectives, that have helped me to understand that I simply cannot control my husband's behavior. He has free will.

It took a lot for me to recongize that simple fact. And for me me to accept that I, too, have free will.

Cherishing

I came here to try to save my marriage.

I stay because I have more to learn and because others now need what I have already learned from those before me...

Some day it will be their turn....

I'll leave when:

1) I have nothing left to learn.
2) I have nothing left to say.
3) Others can be of more help to those who come here in the state I was in when I arrived.
4) I can no longer post and read for whatever reason.
5) Some combination of the above...

Mark

Well, contrary to popular belief I am not here to annoy or agitate....although I know I can do a good job of both at times.
I am here because I believe I have the ability to help some people. I was gifted by others when I fist came here and I am returning that favor to others....even some that don't ever see these threads.(BS that I fight for that don't even know they are BS).
I am not at all afraid to ruffle some feathers in order to get to a place that I feel is necessary. I embrace anyone that is not actively/knowingly taking advantage of other people. As most here will be quick to point out, I have a sharp attitude when I see an injustice being done.
So, in this order...I am here to help...never enable.

BS and their children
FWS
WS..only to get them to stop abusing others.

I am always hopeful that a marriage will survive, but I am more concerned with the wounded individuals since it is my belief that in order for a marriage to survive it will need the person to be whole and not broken by the injury inflicted by infidelity.

I believe G-d brought me here to know that I am not alone. While my head is thicker than others and I continue to try and truly grasp the fact that my WH is a lost alien who spews nothing but lies, deceit and crap, I continue to have faith that I am learning daily on how to walk through this with dignity and grace.

I look forward to the day when I can post and be of help to someone else and that what I have learned is a message that G-d wants me to share.

For today I am grateful to all of you who take the time with patience and understanding to help me walk through this unbelievable awful time in my life. There have been nights when I just didn't want to go on any longer or drink and use and I came here and kept reading what you post.

I am still here and I still have my sobriety. I still am trying to understand the what can not be understood, but maybe one day that won't be so important and I will be at a higher level of acceptance and can just sit and wait while WH comes back to earth.

My appreciation to you all,
SG (Barbara)

Aloha,

Thank you for your comments. I believe friendly reminders as to why we post here is important to reiterate for ourselves as well as others.

Below are a few outstanding points I appreciated:


NOW,

Your post sums it all up quite nicely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Admitting we need to continue learning is a big step to keep us in the learning mode. For those of us that have been here a bit longer..... learning is still an adventure @ MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for your post.


Mark,

I liked the way you have summarized the and provided an exit plan. You have given me a lot to think about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />




Make,

Your post struck me because I can see some of my ways in your style. What I learned here was that due to all the pain, suffering, frustration and personalities, sometimes our 'constructive' suggestions will not always be received as intended. Therefore, I have adapted my style by toning it down a bit. Yea....sometimes I can step on a few toes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But for the most part, I have learned via tools like even RB to give deep thought as to how it might be taken and reprhase if needed to present my thoughts in a way that c/b better assimilated by the readers. As a result, I have been told that some of even my posts have helped a few. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I recommend you channel your passion to do what is right to still stand your ground but also reach the hearts of your intended audience.

MM, FLT2H, MEL, Cherish & SG,

Thanks for all your posts. Your posts have been helpful for myself and others who may be wondering the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have a nice day!

L.

I am here for many reasons. Some are selfish, others altruistic. Probably I am like most others here.

I came seeking answers to questions I had about my husband's affair. He is the one with the answers, and I'm not sure most days that he really knows the answer to the major question - "why?".

I came hoping I would find solace for my soul. I come back each time I find I need a booster shot. It's always here, in someone's post.

Sometimes I find I can help someone. I post to them when I think I might have an answer for them. I always hope it's the right answer, or that it guides them toward what is right for their circumstance.

Sometimes I read and cry. Other times, I read and laugh. Sometimes, I just read so I can understand that there are other souls in the world with pain and devastation, hope and patience, futures and determination as strong as my own, and that those same people falter and need support just as I do. I read so that I know I am normal, and I find a connection there with others like myself.

There are days that this forum is a study for me in the human condition. I find people fascinating. They love, hate, cry, laugh, vent, touch, yell, whisper, fight, and even hug through words typed in cyberspace here. MB has it all, even though we can't see or hear one another. We show the real side of ourselves, even though we are anonymous. Somehow, we start out guarded, and end up close and safe here, together.

I'm here today because the rollercoaster is on a short downward hill lately. That's all. I know it will level out, and I know that because of MB.

That's what keeps me coming back.

I suppose that's why I'm here. And for what it's worth, I'm glad everyone else is here. If someone finds a need to leave, I figure, it is their time to find their own way. Maybe they have figured out that, for them, MB has filled it's purpose in their lives, and they need to move in another direction. I can respect that.

For now, I'll login when I feel like it.

Sort of like coming home and having friends over, if you know what I mean.

Only, I can kick them out when I get tired, and nobody gets offended. ;-)

I am here because I gain great personal satisfaction from saving a marriage or relationship.

Selfish motives to be sure, but pure of heart just the same.

I was fortunate enough to have discovered these forums some three years ago. Back then, I confined myself to “Just Found Out” and “In Recovery”. I was counseled by some of the best, most notably, JustLearning. There might have been some poisoned posters but if there were I sure didn’t meet them. Everyone was in search of the love that was lost. It was very beautiful and very pure. I learned so much during those times.

During the last year I have been called to the carpet by several posters, not necessarily because I disagreed with them, but only because I offered a view that they disagreed with. My opinion offended some posters to such a degree that they felt it necessary to attack it. It was not enough that they attacked my opinions, they banded together and attacked me and then attacked my wife and our recovery, calling it suspicious. I was even called a wayward spouse in betrayed spouse clothing. They laughed and poked fun at my wife’s story of her betrayal of me, cruelty beyond reason. And it was done right in the middle of another’s post for help. I am sure that I wasn’t the first.

I doubt that those responsible could ever entertain an offering of an apology as I suspect that they will rationalize their reasons like that of a wayward spouse lost in a deep, deep fog. Indeed, I hear them rationalizing right now.

Orchid, you ask why I come here but I think that the motives of some are left unsaid. I wonder if some folks enjoy the power to affect those “hurt and the naked” and when "someone else" offers those poor folks an alternate avenue they jealously guard that power by trying to discredit that “someone else”.

Mr. G

If I was one of those who offended you, Mr. G. (re: my involvement with LS and DF re-threads) I apologize. While I don't recall being involved with what you mentioned, I'm truly sorry if my actions were out of line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Ace

I would certainly apologize but after re-reading Aph's thread, I would say that I stand by my posts.

It is my belief that Orchid started this thread to talk about why you are here...not to address how others post.

Orchid... I read your words and appreciate them. I will give them some thought.

Mr. G,

Not sure if the 'some folks' u r referring to is regarding why I started this thread. If you doubt my motives...well that's your choice. My reason for this thread it to help us get off the attack train and back to why we are really here.... to learn and help.

As for your personal experience and that of your W, it w/b a case I would have to go back and read. I can tell you that in regards to WS' or even Xws' I show a lot of caution and am not eager to say all is 'back to normal' or 'fine' based on a few words or even actions by an Xws.... nope convincing evidence requires much more in my books and that may come across in my posts to others. Why? Because for me, I have BTDT and suffered through more false recoveries than anyone ever should. I didn't like it and try my best to keep others from that bad experience.

An understanding XXWS would know this. They would understand why caution is exercised since they s/b aware how badly their WS actions have hurt their family and those who care.

So others have answered why they are here and that is greatly appreciated.

Now that you know 'my motive'..... are we clear? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.