How I found out about H's affair:<BR>1. Came home from work on a Monday (his day off), he begins to tell me how he went to see an hypnotist about his smoking because he really wants to quit, I asked "did you go alone or did (HER NAME) go with you", "yes, HER NAME, was there, my appointment was at 3:00pm and hers was at 4:00pm", I said "really, and what else did you do with her today?, and every other one of your days off ? and after work ?" (all this was going on inside the place my H and I own, after hours, when everyone else left) <P>2. After this day from hell everything changed. I realized that GOD had finally opened up my eyes to his double life and showed me who I am really married to.<BR> <BR>3. I gave him nothing but hell, had fights, every night, including breaking some dishes, I made him crazy.<P>4. He finally broke down because he could no longer take me anymore and said "OK, but the affair ended "one year ago" when she and I realized this was wrong". (a touching attack of dirty conscience???...yeah right).<P>5. Why do I know it was not over one year ago ? <BR> a. He treated me like **** up to the<BR>day of the blow-up. (I am getting treated like a queen now)<BR> <BR> b. In the past year I have had suspicions of something might be going on but had to be quiet because he would get defensive anytime I would bring her name up.<P> c. He would tell me things like "she is beautiful, clients like her, just when I found the right person, here you are spoiling my business for me", and would shrug me off.<P> d. They both made me feel uncomfortable when I walked into the place of business, I did not go there for months and months.<P> e. She divorced her husband at the same time she started working for H. (2 years) She has no children, no home, no money, she has nothing to lose.<P> f. Contacted another person who works for my husband who lives nearby who confirmed that they always stayed after hours, after she left, and she would see both of their cars still parked there even two hours after she had left (he would tell me was working late)....this was going on up to and until the big blow up. (not one year ago)<P> g. Since he lied to me about it being over<BR>one year ago, why should I believe that its over now ? <P> h. My H is an excellent liar and lies with a straight face...and she has no responsibilities, and nothing to lose. <P> i. I am at work when both of them have the same day off and the kids are at school.<P> j. During one of our major fights he asked me what he he wanted me to do about the situation, "I said, fire her now"...we compromised and she is now leaving at the end of October due to some standing appointments.<P> k. I am convinced its not over, he had(s) some strong feelings for her.<P> l. When I asked him why he felt the need to start the affair (regardless of when it ended<BR>...and if it ended) He said that things were not good between us...(him not liking anything I ever did,) always critizing me...parents and in-laws involvement...he basically was picking on me about everything and I could never doing anything right....my gaining some extra poungs (lost them all now, over this crisis and looking great). He also said she filled and probably still fills an emotional need. I told him that him turning to her and turning against me and not letting me know about how he felf was wrong.<P>I told him that he and I could have been having a great time together instead of he and OW, if only he would have talked to me.<BR>Of course, she was there and available to him, which was a major problem.<P>At the moment, I do not believe him or trust him about anything he tells me or does when he is away from me. It will be good when she is gone because she will not be with him everyday, but I have no guarantees. I thought about a PI, he knows I may do this, I told him I am not bluffing this time (I am not). If I am presented with hard evidence that he is still with her, then we are finished. The kids will have to deal with the fact that their father is a liar who can no longer deny this terrible thing he has done to me. I cannot live with a betrayer the rest of my life. <P>He does not want a divorce...wants to keep the family together and he is trying really hard to work things out with me...or is he ?<BR>Is he just trying to keep me home to take care of the kids and the house, but still meets with OW on days off ? He does not want to rock the boat. What do you guys think ?<BR>I cannot live my life full of doubt, I am not living my life to full potential due to the doubts. <BR>

Rock and hard place. I asked my W not to take our kids around OM over the weekend and we agreed because it would not be good for kids to see us with other people, confuse them. Anyway I drove by OM house just to be sure, I shouldn't have I know but I thought two things. It'll either be a big let down (broken promise) or a great confidence boost (kept promise) which? Boost, she wasn't there!<P>My point? Sometimes you've got to have a little faith, I know after an affair it's guilty until proven innocent, but sometimes we have to have a little faith. I'm working on this myself. We've got to take that step!<P>Good luck.<p>[This message has been edited by Paul Moyers (edited October 11, 1999).]

Hi,<P>Just a thought. Have you asked your H to change his day off? Or come into work on his Monday day off? Tony's affairs (yes he has has a great deal of them) started always on the internet. He is banned for life from the internet. Well he can go on and send emails to people and do searches but I always have to sign him on and I have access to everything he does. He knows a great deal about the hardware but I really know software side on computers. Hey I work for a software company it is my job. <P>But this is what we have come up with. I always remind him from time to time this is the agreement and see how he feels about it. He has to proove to me that he is serious about this relationship. <P>Just a thought make him accountable for his time. This is something else Tony has to do. It has been six months since the last batch of affairs and I feel somewhat relaxed. I no longer feel like a cat in a rocking chair factory...but I know that he really has to think about his actions and what he is doing to repair the damage. <P>Hang in there and really think about what you want. Have you fired her yet? And if so under what grounds. You have to be very careful about this because she can turn around and file a suit for wrongful terminations. I would always just emiminate the position. Hey due to restructure we have eliminated your position so sorry here is sevrance pay for a couple of months and the like. And when yo re-hire someone it will be for a slightly different position. It happens all the time. But you really have to make sure your H is in agreement. I would also not involve any other employees in your marital dispute. I know you own half the company so you have free access to the place. Go do the investigation needed by yourself or even better yet hire the PI. Give him a key or go with him and set everything up.<P>But really have a game plan in place on how you want this handled.

Paul...I know what you mean...you just can't help but to go and reassure yourself that your W/H is telling you the truth...I am much worse than you about this...mine is an obsession that I can't shake...I am glad for you that she was not in the guys driveway<P>Pahakissa...I can't reveal too much about the business my H and I own (I don't work in there)but...OW has not put up a fight, I guess she and my H have discussed it and decided that she would have to leave at the end of the month or I would continue to create problems with my H...doesn't this imply guilt on her part? If she and my H were pure as the driven snow she would not need to leave. She knows I know all about this affair...I confronted her in a public place about it...I left her almost speechless. Unfortunately, he is unable to change the day off, which means he can continue to have all the fun he wants....unless I spend a little money and hire a PI...I agree about involving <BR>other employees...the only thing I will be asking of them is to tell me if she calls for him and/if he chooses to stay late (alone) on some evenings.