Having a very bad day. I am feeling very frustrated and alone right now. Mostly I want to smother my FWH who is right now asleep on the couch. You will understand why in a minute. I have mentioned before that I babysit for a living.. Well, last night I recieved this email from one of the parents I sit for. They pulled their kids without so much as a word and that was that. I have watched these people's kids for 5 years! Not only that but they were the major portion of my income. Naturally, I am a bit upset and worried about the bills. They couldn't have left at a worse time. I talk to my husband about it and he said that he would do everything he could to get a job today. Let me remind you he is asleep on the couch right now. The doctor called today and said she wanted him to go and get x-rays on his hand today (he crushed it in an accident). I tried to wake him up and he practically bit my head off and went back to sleep.

I am remembering why our marriage went to bad. In the last 5 days he has been distancing himself from us. He is short with the kids and has been getting angry with me over stupid stuff. Basically, he has returned to his old self. It's all about him. I didn't want to have sex with him on Sunday morning because we were running late and he threw a fit all day about it.

My FWH is a very sexual man and in the past I have not been intune to that need because I am not as sexual as he is. But since our remarriage, I have been very accomidating to that particular need of his. But he has been in tune to my needs as well which doesn't make SF seem like such a chore anymore. Within the last week he has returned to asking for SF when he knows that I am not available. Like when I have 10 kids in my house? That is just not a time when I am going to be able to give him the attention he needs. Why can he not understand that I have things to do? Sometimes I feel like he should have stayed with the OW. She was a wh1re who had nothing better to do than lay on her back all day.

He said he came back because he wanted the whole package. Well, I am a REAL wife and mother, which means I have alot to take care of during the day. We have 3 small children and I have told him many times, that he needs to be more considerate of my schedule. But he is back to being the same selfish old him and now I am wondering if I made a mistake in remarrying him. He doesn't seem overly concerned about helping me support our family.

I am feeling very alone right now. Is this normal? For them to backslide after a bit of time. What should my next course of action be? My EN's are not being met and I need to know how to get us back on track. I am open to any and all suggestions. I don't want to lose my family again. Please help.

frankly, it sounds like you made a very poor decision to remarry him. the sooner you correct that, the better.

I am sorry you find yourself in a bad situation again. Don't compound it by staying.

It was not a poor decision to remarry my husband. I made the mistake of divorcing him the first time, one I will NOT repeat. It was much worse without him here for me and for my children. I am here to make this work, not to let it die again. Thanks for your imput, but I am only interested in making this marriage work.

Anyone have some helpful advice?

You may be interested in making the M work but is he? You can't do this by yourself.

Why was it worse w/o him than with him? What is he bringing to you and your family to make him be valued like gold? If he isn't at the 'gold' level, what level is he at?

L.

With his change in attitude only being 5 days old, I am not really thinking he is throwing in the towel quite yet. Our court date about custody of OC is next week and I am thinking it has something to do with that. Why was it worse without him..because his absence put a hole in our family that no one else could fill. I KNOW my FWH is a good man. It is still early in our reconcilliation and while I conceed that it may have been a bit early to get remarried, I have not totally given up on this. After all that we have been thru this seems like a very small bump in the road. What I want to know is if anyone else's recovering spouse went thru this. And what did you do to give your EN quest a kick start again. I know that we are both committed to this marriage. Hard wired responses do not change over night. LOL...I think I just answered my own question. Anyway, if there is anyone out there who can give me some creative ideas on how to take care of EN, I would greatly appreciate it!

Like any injury, scaring is a possibility but you don't have to be shot for it. Of course there w/b a hole w/o your H but to fill it with a WS is insane (IMHO).

An FWH is not a good man. Your H may be but not an FWH. He needs to move from FWH to H and then get his 'good man' title back. Besides, he needs to be a good H and father....not just a good man.

You seem to want t/d the fixing yourself. NO can do. This M recovery is shared responsibility not one-sided.

So what is he doing and planning t/d to help the recovery?

If you give more than 50% towards the recovery, why should he be motivated to give his fair share?

L.

Did your hubby pay child support while you were divorced?

Thank you orchid. I understand what you are saying. He has been very different since he came home. A model H and father up until a few days ago. I am not sure what the source of his anger is. When he woke up I asked him to come home early so we could talk. He said he would and that he would be in by 11pm. He did play around with the kids before he left and said he was going to call his friend jon about a roofing job he heard of. Am I over reacting? Maybe the stress is getting to him also. I guess it is me that keeps refering to him as a FWH. He really has done nothing since his arrival home to warrent my suspicions of his motives. He has been most willing to do anything he can to restore my faith in him. The xOW called today and asked if it was really neccessary for me and our children to be at every visitation and he said absolutely. He told her that she was the one who wasn't neccessary at the visitations and she hung up on him. I think it is my own fear that hasn't moved him from FWH to H. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. But I will still say that he is a good man. Since he has gotten off the drugs and alcohol, he is a new person. I can bearly recongize him sometimes (which is a very good thing). The xOW was a drug contact. Her father is a dealer and my H got in over his head. Apparently free drugs were more important than his family. He needed the xOW to get the free drugs. Sad and sick, huh. Now that he is clean he looks at all his old friends and sees how pathetic they are, he says he never understood before just how far gone he really was. I have always known what kind of man he could be and I admit that I held on for far longer than I should have. Faith is a very hard thing to kill. And I have alot of faith in him.

Yes, I have alot of scars. Too many to count. I didn't fill it with a WS. I divorced the WS and remarried the H. I threw him in jail for breaking my nose. He was very heavily into cocaine at that point and had never been physical with me before. That night I told him that I had filed for divorce and that I would not allow him to see our children except in my presence. He flew into a rage and headbutted me in the face. So, I threw him in jail and didn't have any contact with him the entire time he was in there which was 4 months. Our past is not a good one and you are wondering why on earth I would ever give this man another chance. It was because I believed in him and when I saw him after he got out, I knew he was better. Jail was the best thing I could have done for him.

He is a good father. He now plays with our children and takes them places. Before he would never be bothered with them. They were always an inconvenience. He also helps me with their care and watches them when I need some time to myself. He would have never done that before. He is also considerate of me now. Which is why this sudden change is so puzzling. I am confused, but I am hoping our talk tonight will shed some light on the subject.

Yes, I am a fixer. I am a bit of a control freak. I am working very hard to let him be the head of our family. This is something that is very hard for me to do. The POJA is proving to be very difficult for me. Normally, I would do whatever I wanted to do anyway.

His plans for recovery..Well, up until last week, he has been doing a very good job of meeting my ENs. We have our list of them for eachother on the wall in our room. We have not been spending the 15 hours per week togther like we are supposed to. That is something that will be addressed in our talk tonight. We are going thru all the books on this site. He is going thru drug, alcohol, and anger management counseling. We are also going to counseling with my pastor every week. He is a licensed MC and has been very helpful. He also does not meet with the xOW for OC transfer without me there. Every message she sends I know about. I check all phone records and have a GPS tracking system on his phone. If he leaves the designated zone, my phone sends off an alarm and I call. I call randomly anyway to make sure he has his phone at all times. I have access to all his email accounts etc. Is there more I should be doing to keep track of him? I feel like he is doing his fair share.

He always used to tell me that he felt that the kids were more important to me than he was. Do you think he could be feeling that way again and just expressing it in old ways? I do have kids alot. I babysit first and second shift. Maybe he feels that I am not putting forth an equal effort for his ENs? Hmmm. I will mention that tonight as well.


Believer - Yes he paid child support and continues to. Our support order is still intact and I have no plans of removing it. Just cause I believe in him doesn't mean I don't have an escape plan intact. I will only get dumped on my butt once..never again.

Lost:

Does he HAVE a job?

Is he feeling that pressure?

3 kids, plus OC to pay child support for and no job can create a awful amount of stress.

And with a hand injury?

Do you think he might have fallen off the wagon?

Are you attending Al-Anon classes?

You seem strong, and your H has addiction problems.

Maybe the Jail time was the wake up call he needed. But it is real easy to backslide.

But your right. Something happened five-six days ago to make your H drift aay from you.

Just ask.

Hey, what's up? WE have faced worse....

And then let him talk.

Schoolbus around here talks about pausing for 30 seconds before you speak to someone, who doesn't seem to want to say much.

In other words, the other person is speaking and then stops, but you wait 20 seconds before speaking. Usually, the other person will pause, and then want to talk to fill in the silence.....

See what happens...

LG

LG,

No, he doesn't have a job. He has burned alot of bridges with his drug problems. He also has almost no grip in his right hand due to the injury. He has a CDL, but can't shift the truck anymore, so that is useless. He usually does construction, but can't grip the tools anymore. Also, he now has 2 D felonies for domestic assult on his record which makes it hard to get a job. Yes, he is frustrated.

No, I don't think he has fallen off the wagon yet. He gets drug tested every month with his probation. If he fails a test he goes to prision for 15 years. I very much doubt that he has fallen off the wagon at this point. But could he...yes. His family are all drug addicts and I worry about the time he spends there. He is right now helping his brother remodel their parents kitchen. I have never been addicted to anything, so I can only imagine how hard it must be for him.

Thank you for the 30 second rule advice. I will keep that in mind.

sorry, i don't have a lot to say except GOOD FOR YOU.

don't listen to those that want to so quickly tell you to divorce again.

Do take action and keep working on the marriage. Like LG said, ask your DH and then listen.

as much as we would like our spouse to be here with us fighting as hard as we are, we cannot change them, only ourselves. but with our own change, good things can happen.

I don't know
2 class d felonies for abusing you
selfish
unemployed
drug addict
sexually inappropriate
displaying verbally abusive tendancies again
affair that resulted in a baby

but,he's a good father.?????????????????

I have to tell you...God bless you for your patience. This man should count his blessings every single day for you.

Lost:
Aside from some of the negative about your FWH that has been posted in the thread (you have made it clear that you are committed to rebuilding your marriage), my question was he ever able to convey his feelings or be open to talk?

When My FWW and I started working towards our recovery, I found it difficult to convey my feelings to her. Some was fear and other's because I wasn't comfortable in do so. It took prying from her but in a patient manner without hammering me to open up.

Obviously he probably is frustrated and I wouldn't be surprised even depressed. I would assume that the lack of use with his hand has a decent factor in it.

How to get him to open up, I could only suggest what my W had done while regaining my trust. Ask him whats wrong and if he doesn't say anything or leaves a snide comment, just let him know that you are there to listen if he wants to talk. When he does, just sit back and take it all in. From my experience, this allowed me to start trusting my W that I could talk to her without her going on the defense or an argument breaking out. It can take some time.

Now I still from time to time have difficulty expressing what is bothering me to my W, but now we set up a time to discuss things. This allows us to give our undivided attention to one another without any interuptions.

Lost,

Let me ask you. If you had a friend who had a husband that left his family, had an OC, took drugs, ignored his children, didn't work, went to jail, then came back, confessed, stopped the drugs, still didn't work, gave some attention to the children, had a temper, continued communication with the OW.... what would you say about that man? Call him perfect husband and father? Or would you say he is improving and still has a way to go? Would you call him a model worth following?

You are giving him waay to much credit. Some credit is good but he shouldn't get the model father award....yet.

Now let him know you need to understand why he is angry and how he plans to stop scaring you and your family. Unless you did something to make him mad, he owes you the solution.

JMHO,
L.

FLTH - Thank you. I am by no means throwing in the towel. I will stand by my man for better and for worse. Just having a bit of trouble with the how part...lol.

MEDC - He has not always been unemployed. Only in the last month has he been without a job. It is near the end of the construction season and it will not start back up again till next April. Let me remind you that he HAS been working thru all the pain in his hand. I did not mean to make it sound like he has just never had a job. I just need him to find one yesterday and I was very angry that he slept all day yesterday.

Yes, he is very selfish. But he has made great strides in this area. FORMER drug addict. I have already made it perfectly clear that if he fails a drug test or returns to drugs at any time, the kids and I will be gone. No discussion. He has also agreed to be randomly drug tested by me for an undisclosed amount of time. The drugs is not something I will ever put up with again.

I did not say he was an excellent father or should get the father of the year award. Far from it, but compaired to the father he was before, yes he is a good father. My kids are happier than they have ever been. Yes, he had an OC. He is by no means alone. And he is paying the price for that and will continue to pay for it for the rest of his life. The xOW will make him pay in ways I never could. She already is.

God is continuing to bless us both.

LANH - My H is not an overly emotional person. He is a clinical sociopath. He comes from a very abusive background full of no moral values, drugs, and adultery. His family is not a good one. He has overcome much. His mother had three children when she was married to her first husband. My H is the third of those children and the only one that is the first husbands. She married the OM (who also left his first wife for her). They have a very verbally abusive relationship. My H was never taught what it was like to be in a "real" family. Much of what I consider appalling, he finds normal.

He considers any kind of emotion a weakness. Like I said, he has much to overcome. He is getting better at expressing himself to me. He never leaves the house without telling me he loves me and giving me a kiss. He is always quick to hug me now. In his own way, he is doing the best he can. He has alot of hardwiring to change.

Thank you for the advice on getting him to open up. I still find it difficult to get him to have a really indepth conversation sometimes.

Orchid - I do have a friend that is in the same situation, only her H has been physically abusive and had A's thru their entire relationship. Right now he has no intention of changing. They have two very young children and she stays. I do not always agree that she should stay however. I have been sharing with her the things I am learning on this website. The decision to stay is hers and I cannot change her mind. But I do feel that as long as she has a prayer of making it work than she should try. Granted I feel she should do it from somewhere else because of the abuse, but that is her choice. It doesn't happen often and she is usually just as abusive to him. She broke a pan over his head a few months ago. It is a very bad situation, but all I can do is be supportive of her efforts. Things have improved greatly at their house lately and I hope it is a transformation that will continue.

My H is improving and has a very very long way to go. But he is taking the steps down the correct road. I do not feel that I give him too much credit. He has changed in ways I never thought possible. But remember we are at the beginning of recovery not years into it. I have great hope for our future, its just getting there.

I was similar with emotions. I was raised that men were not to show emotions. Everything had to be bottled up. Then I would see it lashed out on someone. If your getting him to open up and talk even though it may not be indepth at times, that is good. Allow that trust in the conversation being protected so he can continue further.

There is a section on the website about the 3 stages of conflict, i'm not sure if you had read. It does take two people to make a marriage work, but it also take one person to start the process.

Each one of us here has our own opinion on whether or not you should stay with your husband because of his past. I have learned people can change, if they want to. Nobody can really force/make them. You are the only one who can really see and say for certain that your FWH is making progress. I hope if he becomes violent/physical or reverts to his old way, that you would be able to remove yourself from the situation. Not only for yourself but for your kids as well. In essence going to plan B.

From what it sounds like he is balancing on a needle and one wrong turn and he can pretty much end up in jail. I'm sure he's aware of that and feeling the stress in probably breaking his bad habits.

Does he have IC as part of his probation? If not is there someone at local church you/he/both could talk to? It is going to be a bumpy road ahead of you, but as long as things progress and your FWH continues to show improvement, the road will smooth out. Just do remember some days are going to seem like "why am i doing this" or just plain awful. That is from my experience, mainly because the A is still fresh to me and I do have triggers from time to time.

Changed my display name to GuidedCertainty for two reasons.

1) Because I don't feel lost and uncertain anymore. I feel certain that I can save my marriage and make it great and I feel guided by the people here.

2) Because somehow I got logged off and couldn't get back in. I also couldn't get a reply from the help places. So, I just created a new identity.


LANH - Yes, he has to go to IC as part of his probation. Along with anger managment and addiction counceling. We also go to MC with my pastor at my church. So far, my H has been faithful about attending church with me which is a big change. He would never go before.

I have not read the 3 stages of conflict. I will. Thanks. I know that everyone has an opinion, if I wasn't interested in hearing them, then I wouldn't be here. I appreciate everyone's input. I learned a long time ago that you should lean on the wisdom of those who went before. I am dedicated to saving this marriage, but I am always open to suggestions on how to best go about it. We are still "feeling eachother out" at this point and there are still some very strong emotions (anger, resentment, hurt, and mistrust just to make a few) that we have to deal with first. Things have been going okay so I am kinda waiting for the bomb to drop.

If he becomes violent in any way again, we will be gone no questions asked. I threw him in jail for it so obviously it isn't something I am just putting up with. I made sure he felt the consequences of that.

Our talk went well. Got alot of thoughts out into the open. He is frustrated that he can't find a job as quick as he's like. His teeth and hand are really hurting him and he said they were bothering him so much that day that it was either go to sleep or go to his parents and smoke a joint. I am very pleased he chose sleep. His parents weren't much for dental care, so he needs dentures when we can afford it. I don't even think he owned a tooth brush till we got married. Nice parents, huh. Anyway, he assured me that he was concerned about our financial situation and was doing all he could to find some work.

We went and got the x-rays done on his hand and are supposed to find out what they show today. Lets hope she gives him some pain medication. He really needs it.

Continue to keep my family in your prayer, if you would. The financial situation continues to get worse. Could really use some heavenly intervention.

Our court date for custody of OC got pushed back to Oct. 5th instead of next week. Another source of frustration. We are supposed to see OC this Sunday, but who knows if she will even show. It will be especially hard for me considering that the xOW will be present for the entire visit as my H is not allowed to see OC without her. There is not paturnity established thru the court so the judge said that they could meet at mutual agreable places for visitation until the court date. Since he isn't allowed to have contact with her without me being there......I get to go for all this also. So much fun.

Personally in this specific situation I think it's going to take a very long time to recovery. There's an enormous amount of "recovery" happening at the same time for a 26 year old.

I have a little brother who is 26 and the reality of getting married, buying their first home, and having their first baby was incredibly stressful for him. It caused a lot of strain on their young marriage and he didn't have half the stuff your H is dealing with.

26, 4 kids, marriage/divorce/marriage/affair/, addiction, criminal history that negatively affects his earning potential...

alot fot this guy to overcome.

lol....alot is a vast understatment. I will be the first to agree that we married too young and jumped into parenthood too soon. Nothing I can do to change that now. I am seriously considering not letting my daughters watch fairy tales. They neglect to inform you of what happens after the prince carries the princess off. They leave out the fights, all the maids he is having sex with, all the reality of love and marriage.

I know that it will be an incredibly long and painful journey to recovery. Time I have, wasted time I do not. For the first time in our lives together, I do not feel like it is wasted time. If God can create a preacher with a large congregation out of David Berkowitz, then he can save my husband. I have complete faith in our recovery.