sorry this is a bit long.

Okay, so at some point I realized life wasn't a harlequin romance novel . . .

I married my first husband 6 weeks after meeting him, a week after my college graduation. . . divorced 2 years later--no kids, just a bad choice. What do I do? Fly out to visit an old boyfriend who had sworn he had always loved me, etc. the day after my divorce was final. I thought maybe it was fate. After all, we had met 7 years before. Although, he NEVER did anything to show he actually loved me. In fact, he once said he was sending me $75 and I am still waiting for it to arrive.

In any event, his military service was up and he moved in with me 2 months later. I asked him to bring me a sweater back from hawaii--he brought nothing but his dirty laundry. I'm not being petty, I swear--there is a point to all of this. Since I met him in 97 he knew I was big on college education. he told me he had his associates degree and his car was paid off. Well, found out he didn't even have 1 college credit and repo man came to get the car since he wasn't making payments on the car he claimed was paid. I filed it all away as he was just trying to look good, etc. He swore it would never happen. Trust, or lack of it is a dealbreaker for me. Many lies have come since, some as petty as whether he returned a movie to blockbuster.

Well, he had also said he wanted to do X, do Y, do Z. Being supportive I got him information, etc. so he could start any one of the above--he did NOTHING. Except enroll in a community college in which he made C's. Eventually quit going. I was making $55,000 a year and he was bringing home $10 an hour after 7 years of military service simply because he refused to take my advice--ego issues.

He's the kind of guy who accetps a job without asking how much it pays. Quits one job before another one is confirmed. But get's upset if you try to give him advice.

I left my job last year after my at home business was making enough to replace my full time and I could stay home with our daughter. He refused to help me with the work because he said he couldn't work "for" me. ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM?

Well recently he started coming up with all sorts of $$. I am very intutitive so questioned him a lot. He was mean, abusive and even took his things and left because I dared question him. For over a month this went on and every week part of the truth came out and he swore he would never lie to me again. But I kept pressing because things still didn't make sense. Finally, all of the truth came out. He had stole $8000 from his employer.


During this time I was admitted to law school on a conditional basis. I had to take and pay for a summer course ($3000). If I passed I would be able to enroll for the full JD program. I was sick to my stomach trying to come up with the money. Started selling my work wardrobe, pots, pans, etc. on ebay, to friends, etc. to come up with the $$. He never once asked how he could help or even offered support. He instead told me he did what he could ($10 an hour because he didn't want to work in corporate america--or look for anything else). All this time he had the $8,000 in his pocket. He got new shoes, clothes, pretty much wasted most of it. Oh, and he went to truck driving school $3,000.


I eventually paid for and passed the course and have since started the fall semester. When I am frustrated because I run my business from home, I care for our 2 year old daughter and go to school. His response? You expect everyone to drop everything simply because you chose to go to law school?

Okay, so here we are. He is not a bad man. Doesn't beat me. But I can't see myself living with someone I don't trust and I don't respect. I think I was in love with the idea of being in love. We don't have much in common. I am self driven--he is complacent. When the bills are tight his solution is for us to sell the house. Mine is to work extra hours.

He used to overdraw our account constantly. He got his own bank account--it wasn't even open 30 days without being overdrawn! It's like I help us get one step ahead and his actions always bring us 3 back. When I am in a $$ bind, it is MY problem. When He has done something and we are in a $$ bind--also MY problem.

I do want to mention I have an evil tounge when I am upset and have called him all sorts of names--but this started after about a year that I saw he was never going to go anywhere unles I dragged him there. I lost respect and the novelty of him wore off--since I doubt it was ever love

When I talk to him, he starts vacuming, walking around--he is basically tired of hearing me. ******, i'm tired of hearing me!

i want more from life than to live check to check. I want a partner, an equal in my life. It is so frustrating to go to law school and have such stimulating conversations and come home to the following:

me: how was your day?
him: fine

THAT'S IT!

We don't bring out the best in eachother. I don't think I can come back from the level of distrust, lack of respect, and plain resentment I have towards him.

Is it wrong to simply want out because you are incompatible? Am I being greedy? I want more for my daughter and somehow I think growing up in an evironment were I am always upset at something her dad is doing or NOT doing and feel all of the resentment, etc. is not healthy.

SORRY IT WAS SO LONG

So, do you have husband number 3 lined up yet?

Veronica,
I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

As an active duty servicemember for 20 years, I can tell you several things...

1) while being in the service is very hard and requires much sacrifice, it does NOT, in ANY WAY teach young people how to relate to eachother in constructive, supportive ways. Ego is a huge factor, and survival requires suppression of emotional needs.

2) His practical, every day needs were also met - food, shelter, decisions, etc. He clearly is not prepared to make the sacrifices required to live WITH and support someone else.

You cannot make him someone he's not, but you CAN be very clear what your expectations are. Be clear with yourself just what they are, then be clear with him. These cannot be demands or judgments (lovebusters), just a clear communication of your needs.

How old are you, him and your daughter? You mention your "being in love with the idea of love" - it sounds like you are clearer now what you expect out of a true love relationship. None of what you've mentioned sounds unreasonable, just make sure that your "evil tongue" holds itself accountable. You say he doesn't bring out the best in you - this can be a trap - don't blame others for your behavior, take accountablity and BE the person you know you should be. You obviously have clear goals and expectations in life - I speak from experience that it's easy to get "sucked into" someone else's reality...don't let their bizarre behavior become YOUR reality.

So, IMHO, make sure you've clearly communicated your NEEDS and EXPECTATIONS (not to be confused with demands) and give him an opportunity to pull his head out of his a$$.

Best of luck!

Hmmm.... are you married with the second guy, or living together? The answer to that question may give direction from me and others as to further posts. If so, how long, and do you have children together? How old is your child?

Beleiver,

No, I don't. I think that was part of the problem. Not having given myself to be by myself. I can't tell if you were being sarcastic or not . . .

Sorry, I missed that. Yes, we are married. got married right before my daughter was born.

CAPTAIN:

I'm 29, he's 32 and my baby is 2. I get the whole military thing. I agree, it did not prepare him. But even when I suggest something or let him know how something should be done--he fights it until he hits a brick wall. Neither one of us brings out the best in eachother. I do have an evil tounge and there are other issues we have in our marriage but for me lack of trust and his lack of ambition seem to be dealbreakers. I manage to save up $100 and he overdraws our account $300. I hate feeling like I am raising a child and not that I have a partner. I go to law school and have such stimulating conversations--even on the personal level--with some of my fellow students. I didn't file for a divorce yet because I just started school and the first year is the hardest. Not to mention my daughter adores her daddy. However, I think it is just a matter of time. By the way, for almost 3 years he felt that because he served in the military (never went to the front lines-in fact, was Admin) that the world owed him something. That he should have gotten out of the service and had a new Hummer and a beach home lined up. I beleive in hard work and determination and don't think I deserve things simply because I am. After all, while he was in the service--he was paid for the job he did-what else did he expect?

Say for instance my parents come over and start pulling weeds out in the backyard. I ask him to help them and he sais: i don't feel like doing it. b esides, they do it because they enjoy gardening. WHAT?? they do it because they are helping us.

So depressing . . .

Having a daughter makes it that much harder.

Veronica, as you know from my post (which you have contributed) my W and I have been seeing a therapist. We saw him a year ago when our marriage issues at the time surfaced. I was reluctant to go but my W persevered and after several weeks of sessions, we came out stronger. Unfortunately we find ourselves in a position to see him again and actually it was my decision to see him again, not hers although she agreed and we have another session tomorrow night. Actually the reason we saw him in the first place was not because of us but due to issues with my younger son who needed some help. The therapist saw right through us and our problems came pouring out.

You need to see a therapist. He/she is impartial and will work with you and your H. Perhaps your H might see the impending demise of your relationship through the open candid conversations with the therapist and realize that change is needed.

You have a 2 year old child. You need to do your damnedest to make it work. Do not give up so quickly. Seek help and look for alternatives. At least then if you finally divorce, you can say to yourself that you did everything possible to make the marriage work.


Good luck.

alphabeta,

Thanks for that! You know, to be honest with you, I didn't mind a lot of things w/my H when he first moved in--but I always felt like I had to defend him or why he did or didn't do something to my family. I think eventually it got to me. Especially now that I am in a circle with people who are not just happy existing. My H sais he has ambition--but ambition in theory doesn't transcend to reality unless you act on it. I have considered therapy, but sometimes I think I already decided that I would rather put the effort into a new relationship (IN THE FUTURE) than to this one that seems so damaged now. I wouldn't have had a child with him if at the time I thought we would be here today. Unfortunately, I changed and grew alot with the birth of my dauther and he still thinks "so what does that have to do with anything." I feel like I am in such a horrible tug of war within myself and with him. The thought of leaving breaks my heart for what it means to my daughter. It wasn't her fault we chose wrong. I wish I could fast forward time. By the way, $$ is always an issue so paying for a therapist right now is out of our budget. Why isn't it like in the movies? Problem resolved in less than two hours and happily ever after??

Do you have insurance? Many therapists are covered. If you do, call the company and find out if they have someone on the plan. Then call the therapists office and ask them if they accept your insurance. Perhaps someone can contribute to this thread if they know whether you can get free or reduced-cost therapy. For me, it's a no-brainer. My marriage is worth running up my credit cards for quality therapy. It really does help. Call around and see what you can do. There is a copay but if you can save your marriage, its worth it.

Good luck!!

AB

From your post, I'm guessing you are very codependent. And probably also enabling his behavior. The more you do, the less he does. Sound about right?
Is there any chance you are also ACOA? )Adult Child of alcoholic or any kind of abuse.) If so, this can lead to codependency.
If I'm on track, there are alot of great books by Melodie beatty on Codependency. If not, try another track.
As a law student, you won't have the time for much self help.
However, many books are on CD or tape so you can absorb the ideas, without reading time. Because law school and a 2 yo are difficult to manage in a good marriage.

I know this isn't what you asked about, but I'm really concerned about the money your husband stole. First off, he will get caught. Second off, it's wrong to steal. You are in law school. Surely, you see that this is a BAD situation?

If I were in your shoes, I'd be worried sick. I'd also be digusted by this and for me, restitution would be a requirement for me to stay married to him. If you do nothing, it really brings your ethics into question.

The money issue is being dealt with seperately. although, I do want to point out that you seem to think it's black and white--it isn't as simple as turn him in, let him do time and then everything in the world will be fine because you acted in an ethical manner. We have since addressed the issue and he has worked something out with his former employer. The problem I was bringing up is oustside of everything that is wrong with what he did--the fact is that within the marriage it raised issues that were far greater than anything I could have imagined. There is no trust. If he was able to do something like that 1, and that he lied to me about it 2--then I really don't know him and based on just to act--I don't know if I want to stick around to find out what else I was wrong about. I am sick to my stomach. This year has been one of the most trying of my entire life

you have more time invested in your marriage. I feel I may not want to invest anymore only to find out I should have left way back when. I suppose if i really wanted I could find a way to get therapy for us. But with law school, my own business, and a 2 year old--it is easier said than done. One day I think I should try to work it out and the next day I am planning how to walk away. I am in a situation that I created--but somehow I don't think that it means i should stay if it is not working. Time is passing and my daughter is growing up seeing this animosity. I grew up seeing my mom and dad "put up" with an unhappy marriage--nothing sever--just two very different people. As a result I think I have made consessions for staying in situtations I should not.

SO DIFFICULT!

Yes, I may have more time invested in my M but I went in with the presumption that It would last forever. You have to determine how important it is to stay married. If you feel that it is very important, you'll MAKE time for therapy. Don't plan to walk away (as you said). Plan on making your M work. If it doesn't at least you know that you have given it your best shot.

AB

So did i which is why I was trying to work this out first. BUT NOW IT DOESN'T MATTER! [color:"brown"] [/color] I told him I didn't want to fight and I wanted to just end things on a civil note. There is a line you don't cross. even if there are problems in the marriage.

I am still sad and scared and overwhelmed. It is never easy when things end. given the lack of trust i already had, there is no reason for me to even try to stay. Who knows what else he is capable of.

Hey,

I am 29 too and I am on my way to divorce. Actually, mine will be final in just a few months. I see a lot of issues in your marriage. First of all, trust. A healthy marriage is based on trust. If you cannot trust the person you are the most intimate with, how can you trust anyone else in this world? I do not mean to be a pessimist but when you loose trust you loose the foundations of your marriage. You can do everything you want with the intention of rebuilding trust aka therapy, etc, but will he change? One thing we have to understand is that we will never change people. I see a lot of times in this website people saying do plan A or plan B and your lover will come back and you will have your marriage back. Well, you can do both plans and maybe have your marriage back. However, it does not matter if you do plan A or B, your partner is the one who has the ultimate choice of coming back or not. It sounds bad and maybe some people will disagree with me but it is the truth. We cannot change people. We cannot control people. We can only control ourselves. You are at a moment where you have a decision to make. In or out of the marriage. It is a tough decision. I know. It took me a year and a half to make it. After I decided to end my marriage I was sad, scared and full of guilt thinking that I might had done a bad choice. Fast forward, 8 months later I am ok. In fact, doing much better than I was doing before since now the energy I spent driving myself crazy trying to make my marriage work is now spent into a new business and a masters degree. What you have to ask yourself is: Do I have the energy to put up with him despite of how he is? Is he offering me the life I ambitioned? Will I be able to accept this person the way he is? If the answer to those questions is yes. Go for it and save your marriage. You have to be aware that you will not change him. You will need to accept him the way he is. You will need to put up with overdrawn accounts, etc. If you can accept that, go for it. If you can't, step away. It is a very hard decision and either way your life will change. You are at a crossroads where you need to decide. Either way will be hard but follow your instincts. Ask yourself what you want for yourself and your kid. Answer it honestly and define your limits. If you end your marriage, it will be hard for you and your kid, but it will be harder to continue a life you are not happy with. The choice is yours. If you love this person and think you can make it, go for it but love is not always enough. You need to know your boundaries. Once they are crossed you either decide to stretch them and be happy with that decision or end the relationship. Either way you and your kid will be ok. Good luck.

JUST FOUND OUT FRIDAY he has been sleeping with another woman. There is nothing left to work on. To think I thought he was worth the benefit of the doubt. Ironic thing is he came home in such a good mood Friday. Made love to me, told me I was the love of his life. I thought for a minute: maybe we will be okay. Then he left to go to "work" -- i got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. checked the call log--long story short, after a confrontation, the girl texting me, his admission. I am filing for divorce. I could never work past an affair--not after 4 years of marriage. I could put that energy and hard work into healing myself and building a nice life for my daughter.

Ronnie78 (Veronica). I am so sorry to hear about the PA. Seems like the focus of these groups is to keep marriages together. I am skeptical in your case as to whether this one can work.

I like what Janei said about trust and being able to accept your H for what he is, not for what you want him to be.

It's so hard in your situation. It seems like there is no hope left. Whatever you end up doing, I hope you stick around these groups and let them give you strength and courage to move on with you life.

I wish you much luck.

AB

it hurts. i came to these forums hoping to find a light. Just when I was starting to re-evaluate and think there was hope i am faced with the fact that there is none. If i was on the fence I can no longer ignore what I need to do. It is surprisingly painful that he had an affair instead of us just ending thing on a more civil note. Especially for the sake of our daughter. Now, I will always remember that the last time he made "love" to me was minutes before he had sex with another woman. How right before he told me he loved me so much and how I thought "we are going to be okay". I guess there is no sense in thinking about it anymore. Someone made some snide remark early in my post about whether I had husband No. 3 lined up--you know, it takes 2 in a marriage and though my 1st marriage was an impulse (married after 2 weeks of meeting) my second I thought was the real deal. I had known him for 10 years and we lived together for 2. I didn't go in thinking i was just racking up notches on my belt.

Hey,

This is janei. I switched my login name cause it was sending me error messages. I am sorry you are going through this. I know how it feels when you find out your partner is sleeping with someone else. It is one of the most traumatic and painful experiences one has to endure. I lived it and I was on my knees crying. It feels like it is overwhelming but remember, you will be ok. It is time to take control of your own life even if it involves making difficult and painful decisions. While you are making your choices always remember: you will be ok no matter what. Where I come from we have a say that reads: Whenever something bad is happening, some good will come out of it. You said that there is nothing to save now. Are you sure? Are you fully convinced about that decision? Is it an impulse? Or are you truly convinced about leaving him? Granted, after the decisions he made trust is gone. He made his choices. You did not make them for him. Now you have to make yours. What's next? Can you take him the way he is? Can you accept him the way he is? The foundation of your marriage has been shattered aka trust is gone. But if you decide to accept him the way he is, maybe there is hope. Will you be able to accept him though? You are not just racking up notches under your belt. You are dealing with the circumstances that are present to you even if you chose them or not. Either way you go, in the long run you will be ok. Whatever you choose, it will be for the best. One thing I am concerned and I will consider in my decision is that he is showing patterns typical of an abusive partner. You can either establish your limits and stop the abuse, or simply take off.