We were at a party Saturday night...we had had a fun day already, so we were both in a great mood.<P>The band starts (marginal at best) some people get up to dance fast and slow songs. It was a little too loud to converse. My H just sits there. Time passes and I am watching other couples look happy on the dance floor...especially slow songs. I mention this to H. He nods. Time passes, he sits there. Now I look at couples dancing and I'm getting upset. Shoot looks at H, he looks confused. Then I think about the relationship books I have read and realize what I am doing. I lean over to H and ask "What does dancing mean to you?" Him, "Nothing, why?" Me, "Do you know what I have been thinking about these H who are dancing with their wives? I think they are showing their wives how much they love them and they are so proud of their love for their wives, they want to show everyone, so that's why they are dancing. Conversely, when you have not been asking me to dance, I am feeling like you don't love me and you aren't proud of me." H, now looking at me like I'm some type of space alien says "You,ve been sitting here and thought all of that? I've just been thinking its too loud and I don't like the music....but would you like to dance?" So we slow dance, but after a minute my H stops looking at me and blankly stares off into space. Me, "Honey, if you want to make me feel loved and look like you are proud of me, you need to look happy you are dancing with me." Him, "How do I do that?" Me, "By looking at me." Him, "But you're so close, it makes me feel like I'm cross eyed...but I can look at you if you want."<P>What a romantic.<P>But here's the lesson. The night could have gone badly if I had not realized I attatched this meaning on my H's behavior (of not dancing). Before long I would have acted "as if" he didn't love me and he would have interpreted that like I was rejecting him for some unknown reason, and it could have ruined the evening or even left a more lasting impression. As it turns out, we had even a much better time once we got home!!!!<P>The conclusion. Would I like him to be more attentive, sensitive and romantic? Of course. But what I really want is to be loved...and he does love me...now more than ever. It is so important to not fall into traps of misinterpretation or if you catch yourself, clarify it for yourself, check out what your partner is thinking and work it out together. Just my little thought for the day.<P>Oh, one other funny thing. This one guy (who has been with many many women after (and I would bet before) his D many years ago) was with his new much younger bleach blonde shapely wife. I guess I was especially jealous of how he was treating her and pointed them out to my H. I said, looks like XX has got a Trophy Wife. My H, completely baffled says "Why do you say that? Does she hunt?"<P>You got to know my H to love him, and I do.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>Oh my God, my husband has had that almost that same conversation with me dancing!<P>You really made me laugh this morning! I thought I was the only one who felt this way or had a husband like that. Even the hunting comment at the end!

I'm sorry to be a down here, but it just SUCKS to have to tell our H's HOW to act with us. <P>I would have already been mad that I had to tell him all this ... and that he really needs to LOOK like he's enjoying being with me. That should come naturally.<P>Sorry. The story just made me sadder.

FHL,<P>Thanks so much for the giggle on the Trophy Wife. I needed that on a Monday morning. <P>LOL<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

Hummingbird,<P>I guess from your posts I can kind of tell that about your H. He's clueless, just like mine. <P>That's why it has been so helpful to read and grow as I have these last nine months. Although we always had a good marraige and a great family, I can see how the distance that we did have was based on communication, mostly, not emotions.<P>So read those books and really search yourself...I guarantee that whatever you decide, it will make a difference.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL<BR>You are the greatest. <BR>This is what it means when you have a work in progress!<BR>Doesn't it feel wonderful to have the patience to be able to communicate our needs?<BR>It's so much easier for them to understand our needs when we let them know what they are.<BR>thanks for sharing!

FHL,<P>This conversation really hit home with me. I can't tell you how many arguments it's started in the past and just in general the way he's "clueless", I get hurt because I feel he's being so insensitive, doesn't really know me and that we're so different, that he should do "certain" to show me he really loves me and because he doesn't I feel he's so wrong for me, I think maybe there's another man out there who would do those "things" my heart wants without having to be told. <P>Since your husband is a hunter too, do you think my husband is too excessive in his hobby? It has gotten more and more over the years. <P>After this weekend, I've pretty much decided that if I'm going to try in my marriage, I'll just have to accept it and stop fighting it, especially during the "deer hunting season", which he is especially obsessed about, the other animals he hunts he not as obsessed so maybe we can comprise there. <P>I've looked into taking a dance class this weekend and I'll try to make the most out of my time alone, maybe it'll help me from being resentful of his hobby.

FHL, congratulations on interrupting some old behavior and trying something new! I'm so happy for you. It is amazing sometimes to get a peek into the H's head and realize their thoughts are nothing like yours.<P>Good for you!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Maya...hope you check back and read this. I considered this a happy story...in fact I forgot to put a little smile by it.<P>Maya, my H was having a great time with me. He was just unable to read my mind. I was the unreasonable one, attaching all those meanings to dancing (especially since the band was playing music we didn't even like, badly).<P>My H was happy to accomodate what I'm sure he thought was my nuttiness. And when he gives me a little insight on what I consider his nuttiness (like the vertical blinds placement = love), I accomodate, too.<P>To be honest, I am skeptical of suave, sweet talking, hair spraying men. I kind of like a slightly clueless man because I think they tend to be more sincere. As long as you keep communication open and honest, the relationship may be a little lower key, but maybe more authentic.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hummingbird, my H doesn't hunt, although many men do around here. He does ski, rock climb, sail and generally put recreation above most everything but breathing.<P>Yes your H is excessive, but I think it is more of a personal passion, not reflective of anything having to do with your relationship, at least not in his mind.<P>I can almost hear you thinking, if he loved me, he would not spend so much time hunting.<P>You H probibly is baffled, she says she loves me, so why is she trying to stop me from doing something I enjoy.<P>In his mind his hunting and his love for you is not connected. <P>I'm not saying you should not spend more time together and clearly he could be more sensitive, but what I am saying, is that your difference on this issue is one of communication or misinterpretation, not of actual "feelings" necessarily. <P>And unless you clone yourself (with different body parts) you will never get a perfect fit. I'll stand by my opinion...all men are quirky, it just depends what you can live with and what you can't.<P>Now my H make a big mistake (affair), but in general he is a good guy, a hard worker, a great father and a loving H. I'll take clueless and work with it, when I get all these wonderful traits, too. And you know what? I'm far from perfect, so he's holding a mixed bag, too.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Well, thanks for the additional explanation, FHL ... you make it sound so wonderful.<P>I'm just so down in despair that I feel like thowing up. I'm physically ill because of how I'm feeling.<P>I'm sorry to have made your obviously wonderful evening sound less than perfect. You are one lucky woman!

WS and Lor, thank you very much, I'm feeling pretty good about myself today.<P>It is empowering to take accountability for my own feelings, explore them, evaluate them for appropriateness and then reach out and ask what H is thinking, reevaluate and solve the problem. I am no longer as vunerable to my H's actions or nonactions. Now if he had not complied, I would have been legitimately hurt. I am glad I took the risk of being honest and by doing so, derailed my hurt feelings and instead got a nice dose of sweetness. Actually, by the time I said something I already knew H had nowhere near the same thoughts I had. I could have just dropped the whole thing in my mind, but by giving him a little window of what I was thinking, it gave him the opportunity to show a little love and to learn a little something that he can apply to a different situation (although I really hold out no hope of that...clueless in some ways I believe is chronic, you can only treat the symptoms).<P>Maya, I really hope your counselor or someone comes into your life that can help you.

I love what your husband said about looking at you too close makes him go cross-eyed...that made me laugh.<P>What you said is so true however. I know sometimes I tend to read into things more than my husband does. Goes to show where a little communication can lead you...that's great!

As a man and neglected husband with no interest in hunting at all I have to say - I don't know who to feel more sorry for: you wives who feel that your husbands prefer hunting to being with you, or the husbands who are too stupid to realize what (who) they are neglecting.

I'm not stupid! Just absent-minded! Besides, I'm working on it!

FHL...no they can't read our minds but sometimes they can be so thick!!! Gotta love 'em. What a great night for you and isn't it amazing what happens when we take charge of our own happiness??!!<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

FHL - what a sweet story! It's a lesson I think we all need to learn over and over - communicate and check out all those "assumptions" before they take over...<BR>My H and I danced the night away at a wedding Friday night - he made me feel like it was my wedding! (this is so much better than during his affair when he never asked me to dance and it was as if I didn't exist!)

FHL - what a sweet story! It's a lesson I think we all need to learn over and over - communicate and check out all those "assumptions" before they take over...<BR>My H and I danced the night away at a wedding Friday night - he made me feel like it was my wedding! (this is so much better than during his affair when he never asked me to dance and it was as if I didn't exist!)

FHL - Well, I'm certainly learning more about your hubby from this one. A year ago I would have sat there and staredoff into space as well. Now, I'm the one dragging her onto the dance floor! BTW, I think the way you asked him was perfect.<P>Did he really say that about the trophy wife?! LOL<P>SHA

Yes he did. One more thing. I took my ring off because a prong was bent and didn't want to loose diamond on Thrus...had to tug and tug.<P>Anyway, I wondered how long, or if H would notice. Saturday at party, I put my hand in clear sight a few times. <P>Finally on Sunday I asked him if he saw anything different about my hand. He said, yes, you haven't had your ring on for a few days. I asked why he didn't say anything. He said, well I figured maybe you lost it and was looking for it and I didn't want to embarass you by asking.<P>So who was game playing. I guess that would have been me. Shame on me. And good for him.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13