I posted this same post in the Recovery section and have not received any responses. So I thought i would move it post it here as well. I have read on MB and elsewhere that you need to not focus on the OP but sometimes that is hard.

I am new at this. This will be really long but here is my story. I have been married for 22 years, have three children ages 20, 17, & 16. My D-Day for my H affair was in January 2007. It was with a co-worker.

After I discovered the A (he actually admitted to it when he did not come home until really late one night) he told me that it was over and they were just friends. I told him I would not allow them to be friends. He ended up leaving me not once but twice that month for three days each time the first time was because I told him he had to choose between his marriage or her friendship. The second time he left he came home late again and I confronted him and he said he had been at a bar with the OW and that he wanted to be with the OW. We got into a HUGE fight because I would not let him take one of our vehicles because it was in my name, it had fraudulent tags, no insurance, and he was drunk so he started throwing things and I ended up calling the cops on him. He then had the OW come to pick him up at our house (he later told me on that night he was so mad at me and he told the OW about a TV that we had just bought about two weeks earlier that he was going to take because it was bought on his credit card).

Then when he came home he begged my forgiveness and told me he did not know what he was thinking and he would live somewhere else until I believed him. I let him come back. About two weeks after he came back home he got deathly ill and almost died he was out of work for 5 months recovering. During that time she kept calling his work phone knowing that I had his work phone. She wanted to know about him and I kept telling her it was none of her business and to quit calling. I spent most of my time at the hospital with him because he was so sick. One evening one of my children called to tell me our house had been broken into so I left the hospital to go home to check it all out, to check on my kids and to file a police report. The only thing that was taken from the house was the TV we had bought that he had told her about that night. The person had even disconnected my DVD player and cable box from the TV before they took it. As soon as I got home my H had called from the hospital to say that the OW called him there not long after I left. It has not been proved but to this day I believe that the OW took the TV for my H to have if he came back to her. This upset me so bad that I called her and we had a screaming match over the phone where she said some very nasty things to me about her and him. She then called my house phone and said something nasty to one of my children who answered the phone. A week later she called my H work phone again and asked me to do her a favor. I told her that I would not do anything for her and to quit calling or I would file harassment charges against her. She then proceeded to tell me a bunch more nasty things about him and her.

She did not call again after that until my H went back to work after his illness. He ignored her (I have been told this by others in the company as well) but she still would not leave him alone. He finally got tired of me being upset all the time so he put in his resignation at work and told them why. Come to find out that the OW had two other complaints against her and she was filing a 1.5 million dollar suit against the company for sexual harassment. She ended up quitting when they confronted her about what my H had told them. Three weeks or so after she left (on my birthday no less) she called my H again on his work phone and offered him 350,000 dollars to keep quiet and to come be with her. He has asked for another phone at work but so far has not gotten one.

What do you do with this kind of person? It just brings back all the old memories and my H just doesn’t understand why it bothers me so bad. He says it is over and has been for a long time. Leave the past in the past but I can not, I am Still_Crazy.

File a restraining order against her.

Can i really do that though? She can say all the calls she made were work related. It would be my word against hers.

Yes, you can get a restraining order against her. I thought she didn't work there anymore?

So i should just contact my local police? She doesn't work there now. There has been one call since she left. My H asked for a new work cell phone and i have called his boss every week since then urging this to happen more quickly than it has.

Still

First I would document all further contacts, dates and times.

I would immediately have your H send a certified NC letter expalining that he wants no further contact from her whatsoever.

Any type of crime that occurs against you, no matter how small, file a police report.

And yes, call your local police department and/or magistrate. (They may be the one who actually places the order on her).

I would not answer the phone when her number pops up or if you don't recognize the number. She may get a calling card or such to fool you.

OW will keep rolling with this...it's still part of the drama.

Basically ignore and document. The sooner you get the certified letter out the better.



Still, I dealt with a wacky OW who would not leave my H alone after he ended the A. I did not listen to Mel and the others who told me to get a restraining order and go to her CO (she is in the military). I was being generous in my mind, but it was really stupidity.

Eventually, after a year of contact attempts in every shape and form, a few stupid "happenings" that I could not prove, she finally slashed H's tires twice and got caught.

Had her arrested. She doesn't bother us anymore.

The detective told me that most OWs like this will stop messing around when the police get involved.

SO GET'EM INVOLVED.

And from here on out, don't talk to her at all. By talking to her you involve her in your life and she thinks she should be part of it. She shouldn't. She's nobody. Ignore her.

Well all contact from her (except the one while he was in the hospital) has been through his work cell phone and my work number also does not appear on his caller ID for his work phone. And during the A he did not answer his phone most of the time when i tried to call so that is one thing i have asked him to do is take the time to answer my calls. I worked at my school doing bingo and we had a police officer there and he was the one who told me that if she calls his work cell phone then she can claim it is work related. I hope that my H just hangs up on her if she tries to contact him again. She has not contacted me since before he went back to work.

Do you know that for a fact? I have never had a cell phone that doesn't show the caller ID. Strange. Can you call him from your cell instead of work phone? Maybe they have some kind of block going out from it.

Did he actually resign from his job? Or did he change his mind after OW quit?

Have you explained to his boss WHY he needs a new phone number?


She's not working there anymore, so if she calls, it's not work related. Start documenting from this day forward and get that letter out ASAP.

most likely you will not be granted an order...BUT...send her a certified letter letting her know that all contact with your family is to cease. call the police also and have them contact her regarding the comments to your child. More likely than not, that should cover it things. And ge the phone numbers changed tomorrow.
Tell his boss these words...it will prompt immediate action...
A hostile work environment is being allowed to continue as a result of his not having changed the phone number. Something needs to be done by end of work this Friday or the phone will be returned to the employer. End of story.

MEDC:

Didn't you mean to say the the phone would be turned over to his ATTORNEY? Along with a subpoena for the OW office and cellphone records as well as SC's Husband's?

Employers understand THAT.

Still:

Document what the OW does and ignore her.

Please read "Surviving an Affair" (SAA) Buy it from this website.

That's a place to start.

LG

Do you know that for a fact? I have never had a cell phone that doesn't show the caller ID. Strange. Can you call him from your cell instead of work phone? Maybe they have some kind of block going out from it.

Did he actually resign from his job? Or did he change his mind after OW quit?

Have you explained to his boss WHY he needs a new phone number?


She's not working there anymore, so if she calls, it's not work related. Start documenting from this day forward and get that letter out ASAP. [/quote]

Yes i do know that for a fact, my oldest child works at the same place as me and my H ALWAYS lets me answer his phone when he is at home and when my child calls from work it appears as "Line 1" with no phone number. And we neither one have joined this century, i do not have a cell phone and he only has his work cell phone.

I have documented the last call (after she quit there) and his boss is aware of the call and what she said and the reason for a new phone. I have called his boss every week now for the last five weeks requesting a rush on his new phone. Unfortunately his work is in the field most of the time so he definitely needs a phone.

My H has never sent a NC letter. Things kind of got crazy when he was sick and the A got put on the back burner because we did not know if he was going to make it. Since he was sick for 5 months he now just thinks that we are past it and should leave it in the past. When i try to talk about it he just gets upset.

Heck as far as that goes his company is glad about it because of the law suit she has filed against them. Maybe that is the reason they are not giving him a new phone because it helps their case. I do not know that for sure. I do know that after she left my H withdrew his resignation. The company's attorney and her attorney were in contact and i think that is the reason she called. She told my H that "she would have never said anything bad to me or to his children" the lying B****! My H said he did not believe her he believed me. His company has told us already that the A will be brought up in court so i have documented all the calls she made to me. They were all from her work cell phone as well so i am sure my H's company already has the phone records.

An NC letter needs to be sent. We sent our official certified NC letter 8 months after DDay. Doesn't matter, besides it'll document that she has received notification to leave your H and you alone, period.

In any future problems it would be hard for a judge or policeman to ignore that letter. She was TOLD.

Keep a copy of the letter and the receipt/paperwork from the certification.

I did go a little further up the company ladder yesterday to get a push on the new phone. It may have worked we will see.

I will talk to my H about the NC letter. But i do not know, he does not like to talk about the A and i can pretty much guess his response will be "she has left us alone since that call, if we send a letter it will just get her started again". I could be wrong though.

Still

You can go two ways I guess with this.

You can wait, see if she tries to contact again, then write an NC, sending it certified. This way prolongs your anxiety level. Wait and see... then we'll do something about it.

Or


Be proactive. If after she receives the letter she starts back up again, then you talk to the authorites with your certified letter in hand.


I think if you went in to the police dept and asked to speak to an officer or detective, etc and explained your situation, they may be willing to go and "talk" to her. Kinda "insist" that she leave you alone. You may have to file some kind of complaint, but it would be worth your time just to find out.

MEDC may correct me on that, but the detective in my sitch implied that he would have done that.

Also when your house was broken into was a police report filed? If so was she ever named a possible suspect?


If she is anything like OW in my sitch, she won't care what you or your H wants, it's all about her and she will not honor any request for NC. OW was very narcissistic.

My H kept saying that she would go away eventually. Well yeah, but look what it took. Your H should understand the ripping pain and anger that engulfs you when OW tries to make contact. She's more than just a nuisance to you.

So if you send the letter, expect her to get "started again" and be ready to go to talk to somebody.

I would rather deal with it all now instead of in 4-6 months when she calls again.

P.S. Your H needs to be with you when you go talk to the authorities. T

Yes i filed a police report and yes i named her as a suspect.

Like i said i will talk to my H this weekend about the NC letter. Hopefully he will do it, but i know it has to come from him in his handwriting or she will say it came from me and he just did it becasue i made him.

I will also at least talk to the police. I told her back in March that i had filed a harrassment complaint against her and of course she came back with well i have pictures and witnesses and i will be the foolish looking one. I told her none of that mattered NOW. That stopped her from contacting me anyway but my H is not so "nasty" with her so i think that is why she has continued.

I am willing to try anything to get rid of this woman from my life.

Get your H on board. He needs to get nasty. Wasn't he upset with OW for speaking to your child that way? And you?

Your H needs to get it together and man up to this woman. Who's he protecting at this point?

It should be you and his family.

He was upset about her speaking to our child but he said i am an adult. I have wondered that myself, sometimes it seems like to me he worries more about hurting her feelings than hurting mine.

Still
I have not read your entire story, but this has me fuming.

He is the one who placed you in this position.
He is the one who betrayed you and ripped out your heart.
He is the one who has not protected you, your kids or your M. Will he ever?

What about the rest of the recovery steps? Is he doing anything? Is he remorseful? Thankful you took him back? Anything?

If he is more concerned with her feelings over yours, there are still BIG problems here.

The first step is NC, whatever it takes to get it. He needs to know this. He must help the bleeding stop.

My whole story would make you fuming mad. I think that part of it was because of getting so sick right after ending the A. We had to put everything on the back burner because we focused on illness recovery then not M recovery. He was VERY sick with pnemonia for 5 weeks a fever of 103 degrees for 3 of those weeks and that is when the TV was stolen and most of the phone calls took place. Then after he recovered from the pnuemonia he had to have part of his lung removed and that was scary and a slow recovery. So i am not sure if he knows everything that happened (even though i told him when it happened) i think becasue of being sick he really does not remember everything. When he FINALLY turned in his two week notice at work and told them why that is when we found ot about the "harrasment suit" she had against the company and they wanted him to tell them everything. He had to come to me to found out everything because he did not remember what i told him the night it happened. When i told him of all the things she said to me that night and i do not know what she said to my son because he would not tell me. I do know what he said to her because i heard him and when i told my H waht he said he was glad (it was not very nice). Also because of him being so sick he says it was a life changing experience and he knows what is important. He has changed so much and is very loving and caring and tries to do whatever he can to show me he loves me, except talk about the A. That is the only thing i can not get him to do. He just says the past is in the past we need to look to the future.