I saw the tail end of the Oprah show where a father and 2 children (1 girl and 1 boy) discussed their feelings about the mother who abandoned the family. Both children (I believe both were under 10) wrote letters to their mother. It was heart wrenching.

The noteable point was the counselor said that in cases of abandonment, it is vital the children be informed and NOT kept in the dark. The children need to know the parent is wrong to abandon the family. The remaining parent should reinforce their commitment to the children so the children realize it is NOT their fault.

If someone has more info on the show, I think it may be healthy if we all had the opportunity to give input.

Thanks,
L.

I did not see the show, but I am of the opinion that in all cases of separation, divorce, abandonment, etc, the children should be informed. Opening the problem up and exposing it allows for healing. Keeping others in the dark, especially children, only allows for continued abuse in the relationships involved. The painful truth, lovingly applied, is the only way to recover from the infestation of any kind of abuse. It must be faced openly, honestly, lovingly, then shown the door if the abuser refuses to face the truth and change their ways.

So true, yet easier said than done. Is that what you experienced with your children?

L.

Orchid,

I wish I had seen the show, too. I can tell you this, my mother was pretty much abandoned by her father when she was 3 years old. She is now 67. To this day, she bears the pain & scars of his abandonment & the fact that it was not dealt with openly.

At that time, Divorce was still considered an ugly word & a very ugly thing by ALL of society. Unfortunately, it wasn't discussed in "polite" company and even worse, the abandoned spouse & children were more shunned by society than embraced and helped. As I've posted on my thread, my Grandmother is and was an amazing woman and did what it took to raise 3 children on her own. But she did not know how to help her children through it. She did the best she could and my Mom is not bitter, but thankful towards her for ever moment of her childhood.

The fact is, what I am going through is deeply felt by my mother. What my DAUGHTER is going through, is felt by her even more. She talks to my DD about the divorce. She's told her that it happened to her, too. They are sharing this pain as a bond between them. It gives my DD someone to share with in a different way and someone with which to share her pain.

I wish my Mom had had that. My Mom wishes she'd had that.

So, yes, yes, and yes again. Open and honest is the only way IMHO.

...Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.

No simpler nor more powerful words have been spoken in this reguard.

Jim

Just go to Oprah.com and read about the show - it gives you pretty much a play by play - check out the shows this week - it is in there....

Yes, I saw the show and cried. Could have kicked myself for not taping it. Good advice for those already in that situation, but even better, a wake up call for those not taking their troubled marriages seriously enough to do whatever it takes to heal them. In my case, remembering those weeping children is a great deterrent to stay away from OM.

EE

Thanks for the comments and the weblink info. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I think it is important to share the info that it is ok to include the children as part of the exposure process. Too often we have heard from our young ones that they knew more than the faithful parent realized and had they (parent and children) banded together, the hurt would have been less painful.

My son was only 5 when the A was uncovered. Even in his young mind he was savy enough to compose one of the most powerful letters to his then WS dad. It didn't bring dad out of the fog instantly but it stuck with him and when he came home, the letter came with him. My son expressed great disappointment in a man he looked up to. The scars run deep but they can be healed enough to have a good R.

The healing is on the shoulders of my H. I help too but the brunt of it is on H's shoulders as it should be.

take care,
L.

O,



Very wise. Very HARD to realize & let go, but very wise.

thanks for the topic & discussion

Orchid... You can see my story on the thread "My husband's in prison."

I also think it's very important to counter the fog the WS spews at the children about adultery/divorce being OK. My WXH told me that it was my job to tell our daughters that "their feelings are wrong". A BIG part of what's wrong with my WXH is all those years of pretending his mother's dumping his father for another man (and more $) didn't have any adverse effect on him...

The initial betrayal is bad enough without the adulterous parent then also demanding that everyone hide their hurt and anger so THEY , the adulterer, will feel OK about what they did. This to me is as bad or maybe even as harmful as the original betrayal. It's an attitude of: You mean so little to me that I am going to do something selfish and self-pleasing even if it hurts you immensely AND you are going to pretend as if you don't mind OR ELSE I will not have anything more to do with you.

Simply sociopathic.

Children grow up morally confused and LOST when parents don't teach them right from wrong. Kids can sense when something is wrong and when adults don't validate that, they learn to doubt their instincts. I agree very much that children should be told the truth about events and given moral guidance in their lives. That is a parent's DUTY.

I didn't see the show, but, being a child of divorce myself, I feel I can speak expertly on the subject.

My mother and father had five sons in five years. I am the oldest. My mother made a habit out of allowing us children to sleep in bed with her and my father. On any given night there were two or three of us kids sharing their bed. Invariably, my father, a surgeon, ended up on the couch, desperate for a decent night's sleep so he could function at work the next day.

I got kicked out of the marital bed when I was around six or seven, presumably to make more room for the younger ones. One night I crept through the house to fetch myself a glass of water. I found my father curled up on the couch in the living room, crying into his pillow. I layed down next to him and patted his back in a childish show of support. "What's wrong, Daddy?", I asked... He responded, "Nothing really, son...sometimes I just really miss your mother."

Two years later he started stepping out with one of his nurses, who years later became my step-mother. You had better believe my half-brothers never got to sleep in their bed. We all had our bedrooms at Dad's house, and we were expected to sleep in them.

My dad is not a cad; he is not a playboy. He has been with only two women in his life, my mother and then my step-mother.

My mother loves to blame my father for destroying her life, for leaving her for "that wh*re". She never remarried, and dated only minimally. Most of her boyfriends couldn't deal with the bitterness.

But, truth be told, both of my parents are to blame for that divorce. No matter how she likes to tell the tale of my dispicable, unfeeling father, I have memories that tell me otherwise.

My father did not abandon ME. He may have left her, but he did not leave ME. He continued to be an excellent father and has always been very active in our lives. I would never say my father abandoned his family. My mother would, but his children most definitely would NOT.

There are two sides to every story. No, it is never right to have an affair on one's spouse...my father has apologized to my brothers and me so many times. But neither is it ever right for one spouse to so grossly neglect the other.

We all reap what we sow, and no one has learned that lesson better that I.