I know that Christ died for all mankind. Restitution will be made for both the victims and the victimizers. I know I have to forgive my WH one day. C.S. Lewis wrote that we need to forgive but don't excuse it. I have stayed with my H through five affairs and he has not changed. I thought to do the Christian thing and forgive him and give him chances but I am not allow him to fall. God is the only one that can help him and if I stay I am tieing God's hands. He has never had any consequences for his actions and he needs to realize that this behavior is not right in the Lord's eye. I have been dealing alot between mercy and justice. I just have to give it to the Lord and let him work it out. It is hard letting my H go cause I know this isn't the life he wants. So many times I want to talk to him and plead with him to repent but he has his free agency and I can't make him.

I will always pray for him and hope he does what is right for the sake of our kids. I don't have to be married to him though for that. I wish things were different. I wish he would try to work on our marriage and save himself but he is living with OW and has showed no signs that he is interested in me or the family even after getting the divorce papers.

With all due respect, Christ didn't die for all mankind, if He would have all mankind would one day be saved, and nobody would pay for their own sins in he!!.


So why not today? The only one your anger hurts is yourself.


and he may never change..but that's not your problem..


Who says forgiving means staying in a marriage to someone who has no respect for the marriage..or the person they are married to? He has proven himself untrustworthy, He has proven he doesn't want to change..but that doesn't mean you can't forgive him for being a sinner in need of a savior.


Again, who said anything about staying? You can divorce the man and still forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean you need to reconcile with someone who will continually hurt you.

Forgiveness is about YOU, and YOUR relationship with YOUR savior, it's not about the other person at all.

Being a Christian doesn't mean being a doormat..ignoring someone's sins against you..(maybe read Matthew 18, and notice it talks about confronting the person, taking witnesses to confront the person, going before the church, and if they still don't change..treating them as if they are lost..meaning you share the Gospel with them...but at the same time you don't have to spend all your time with them..


To which I would agree 100%



But it appears your lying to yourself..because his actions are showing this is the life he wants..even if you don't want that for him..or even for yourself..understandable, we all struggle with accepting that..


understandable..


The thing is...he can't save himself..only God can save him,
the only thing you can do, is show him Christ's love by your actions..

My wife's fantasy world has a crack in the sky now.

Seems the big bad wolf is coming to foreclose the gingerbread house and prince charming turned back into a toad.

I feel no shame in watching her world disintegrate as she swore I would be miserable and alone while she went onto better things. She even used the religion excuse to justify her adultery and why our marriage was dissolved in the eyes og God becuse of me being such a bad husband for not being "blessed" enough for her to lead a "blessed" lifestyle like the "truly blessed" people at church.

She had written a letter to the church that was just insane on how she could see god moving in her life and and her circumstances were going to get better now.


She mocked God, and it looks like she's going to now reap what she has sown.

I feel no sympathy.

though I find this disconcerting, I find it is also very real by many so-called Christians today..I use those words cautiously, but scripture does tell us, that one day many will stand before him and say how they did various things in his name, and He will say depart from me, I never knew you..

So, I don't believe all who claim to be christians..are christians..


I'm curious, did the church confront her about her sin pointing out in Scripture what God says? Or did they remain silent to her sin? Did they remove her from their church membership? Or is she still allowed to attend there?

If they did not address it which Scripture clearly teaches them to do in Matthew 18, then I would be asking why..and finding out what they believe if not the scriptures..

I was asked not to return to church.

She was allowed to stay. They gave her comfort in "her time of tribulation" and cast me into the wilderness. I guess they think they can get her to repent so they can pat themselves on their back.


My wife is one of those who actually believe you aren't accountable for your actions because she is "pre-forgiven".

She thinks you don't have to forgive because of this also.

Like I said before, I will savor her failure. It may cost me dearly, but I have nothing left to lose.

I would suggest finding a different church body to fellowship with..


Again, disconcerting, but not surprising of many so-called church bodies today..and does not follow the Matthew 18 principal.


And that would actually be a false belief on her part.

Though I agree, in the concept she is expressing, I disagree with the way she is understanding it..being that we are forgiven, Christ holds us to a higher standard..and we are even more accountable for our actions..so that we do not trample on the forgiveness given or His Holy Name!

If we read Romans 1:28-32, and continue on into Roman's Chapter 2 we see where her understanding is wrong..and if we look further into Roman's Chapter 6, we see it addressed further..

"What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?"

"What then? Shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yeild yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey: whether of sin unto death, or obedience unto righteousness?"

In other words, if she is serving sin, she is bound to her sin, if she is serving in obedience to Christ, she is a servant to righteousness.

There are other verses I could bring up, but I think those address this issue..

So again, she isn't understanding what Scripture truly says..and is in essence making a god of her own creation..
one she finds comfort in serving..which is not, based on these verses the God of the Bible..

we can also look to Hebrews..

Hbr 10:29 Of how much sorer punishment, suppose ye, shall he be thought worthy, who hath trodden under foot the Son of God, and hath counted the blood of the covenant, wherewith he was sanctified, an unholy thing, and hath done despite unto the Spirit of grace?

Hbr 10:31 [It is] a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.


Again, she would be mistaken..and hasn't really read what the Bible teaches..

If we look to Matthew Chapter 6 verses 14 and 15, we can see she clearly does not follow what Christ Himself taught..

Mat 6:14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

Mat 6:15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

That's all in good, but it still doesn't help that she destroyed our family and noone's called her on it.

She has no guilt over the whole ordeal.

Our family is destroyed, she just lost our home and I pretty much despise her.

What hurts the worst is my church abandoned me. My pastor had come to see me when I was in the hospital with the gunshot wound. He said he knew we were having some trouble and would talk to me when I recovered.

Pariah, I can feel your bitterness from so many of your posts. Your pain is obvious - I'm so sorry. But remember, what comes around goes around. You know you acted in the right. You kept your vows and stayed true to yourself. These others - your STBXW and the church, they did not. No matter what happens in the end, you will always be able to say you had integrity, strength and honour in your most difficult time.

Did you call her on it? I imagine you did..so YOU did what God called you to do..and if you went to the pastor and asked they confront her..and they failed, that is their sin before God..not yours..and God can discipline them as well, even if it means others begin to leave the church, and God stops blessing the church.


I understand the hurt you feel, but just know God is convicting her..she may not admit it, but He is..and in that she is losing the home she probably fought for..I can see that as God's discipline of her..again even if she doesn't see it that way..she destroyed the family and God is taking the home the family shared..


I understand that, but please remember your pastor is still a man..and the church is still made up of sinners saved by grace. Man will always disappoint you..God won't..

but please don't blame God for what people did to you..don't turn your back on Him, because man has proven himself to be sinful, just as Scripture says..

And also why I suggest you find another church body to fellowship with..maybe as you look for a new church you can ask how they handle discipline within the church body or if they do at all. If they don't then steer away from them.

I feel each day I am coming to the realization that my marriage is over and it is for the good. I feel better about myself that I am not allow him back in to hurt me. I do feel sorry for him and I do feel for him. I see his world crumbling. His ex went and filed through family court to get custody of his older son now because his older son is sleeping on a sofa at my H OW's apartment. My H is living with OW and has his older son sleep on OW's sofa and witnessing this adultery. My step kids say that my H is meaner and don't want to be with him as often. They don't like this OW and say that it won't last either their relationship. Well, my H will just have to deal with the consequences. I am starting to put my trust in the Lord and just let him take over cause right now it is out of my hands. I don't know what will happen in court next week. The Lord knows all things and I need to stop worrying. I disposition is to move back home but my H will probably fight me on moving. We will see. If I have to stay here in this small town then there is a reason. I will keep you posted on how the divorce proceedings are going. Wish me luck.

Looks like my H is starting to play the games he knows best. I finally talked to him and it was regarding our son. He now wants to see our son. He said that he hasn't seen him in a month because he knew I was hurting and I have no family down here and my son is all I have. He is trying to act like the good guy. I said he still could of called to talk to his son but he said that he would of wanted to see him if he talked to him. Well, I agreed to a time he could see him cause I haven't stopped him at all from seeing him. We go to court next week so he is panicking. Then he called me yesterday morning and said thank you to me for talking with me and letting him see our son. Then, he said that he forgot to ask me how I was doing and the baby. I am 7 months pregnant. It seems like reality is hitting him and he knows that this women he is with sleeps around all the time with other men. He started to try to make himself look like he was still a good guy. He was telling me that he doesn't drink and still believes in the church. Then, he went on and said that I forced him to live with this OW because I kicked him out. I was laughing so hard. He was seeing me and her at the same time and I saw them together. He told me on the phone that he is done and wants me to move on and this was his final decision to be with her. He said that I didn't force him to see her but he doesn't have a place to stay. He has been living with her for a month and his excuse was that it takes along time to find another apartment. He is starting to act like he is the victim and he sees that I am not taking him back and getting over him. He is losing control of everything and reality is settling in. He hasn't come out and say that he wants me back but I can sense his guilt and he is noticing how he is losing everything. He was willing to let me move back home awhile ago which is 2 hours away. Now, he is going to fight me on staying here. Part of me thinks so he can see the kids but also so he can try to weasel his way back to me. I am leaving this one up to the Lord but I am truly getting over him and God can only change him. I do pray for him that he can repent and change his ways for the sake of our kids but it would be a miracle.

suzanne78

Wow...except for the issue with the children and my WH blaming me for making him go and live with his OW, our WH's current states of mind and actions and situations sound identical. There must be a wayward handbook out there somewhere! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, I can't file for divorce until June of next year. So in terms of being free from my WH I'm kind of in a holding pattern...

I'm wishing good things for you, and especially for your new little one.

Smartiepants

Suzanne28, I certainly empathize with you. My husband left me last year when I was 3 months pregnant. He said he couldn't deal with my hormonal breakdowns over the OW. We eventually got back together a few months later, but our "reconciliation" was miserable as he was (and is) still working with OW -- even though he swears nothing is going on. In any event, my baby is 11 months old now, and we are currently separated. I am now deciding whether to file for legal separation or divorce. After reading your saga here, I am now inclined to file for divorce.

People don't change. I hope your husband realizes what he will lose in you and your child and future child. But you've come to the realization that he will not change, and you have decided to make a stand for yourself by filing for divorce. You go girl!!! I know it's so difficult, but you can't live with someone who doesn't respect you and your feelings.

suz

Hang in there girl. I'm 10 mos. post divorce and not a smidgen of regret or remorse shown. Hang on to your integrity and continue to make God based decisions. I haven't been on the boards in a while but my X has been especially combative lately and it's tough.

There are so many things I could say (to unload for my own therapy sake) but echoing others here...even dr. harley says that serial cheaters are a different breed. Take care of you and that baby keep making that next right decision. You will heal from this. Hopefully, 10 years down the road this will be a slight bump in your success story with someone who values you as a partner, a mother and a wife.
You do reap what you sow. He has better plans for those who walk in His way.

Here's to a good night's sleep you have many praying for you and your children.
m

I'm getting close to delivery the baby. Last week at church, my husband wrote me a little note and gave it to our son to give to me, right during church. It just said, "how are you feeling and how is the baby" I wrote back and told him. Then on Tuesday in the morning when he is driving to work and alone, he text me and asked what I was going to name the baby. Then the next day he text me again at the same time (morning) and asked me when the baby is due. Right after that he called me asking about our four year old boy and then about the baby.

I then had enough and said, "why are you starting to care about the baby." All in all we got into an argument and about how he wanted to go hunting than be with his son and he wanted to make up the time. I said "no" he forfeited his time by choosing to go hunting. We are in the middle of a divorce and if he can adhere to the schedule it will just look better for me. I also called my lawyer and she said that I was under no obligation to give him "make up" time. He then continued in our conversation and said, "have fun trying to find somebody" Why would he have to say such things when we are talking about our children. What was his purpose in contacting me three times last week about the baby. Does he feel guilty? Does he regret? Who knows. He did go hunting and got a 12 point buck. I have been dealing with alot of anger and trying to forgive but why would the Lord bless him with a buck? He might think that he is so justified in his actions that the Lord blessed him.

My mother mentioned that Satan is also working with my husband making him think that the Lord will still bless him in his life but is deceiving him thinking all is right in his life. My step daughter invited me to her basketball game and my husband and OW arrived at the game. Honestly, if you just go by looks alone, one would say "what the ****** is he thinking" I don't understand. She wore flip flops, and looks like olive oil from popeye and just looked awful. Why would he give up his children, reputation, and a loyal, beautiful wife who is in the church? I just don't understand it still. I am trying to forgive and I have been civil to him as much as he deserves. It is hard right now, knowing that I will give birth to his child and he will be sleeping with another woman. What would be really hard is when the divorce is over and he starts bringing this bimbo to church thinking that she will join the church. However, the only way our church will permit her to be baptize is that they don't break the law of chasity or they would have to get married since they are cohabitating together.

They are both cheaters and she has slept with 1/2 the men at work and 1/2 the men in our small town. My H is well on his way of that reputation as well with five kids all from different women. I have three step kids and he will have two kids from me. He says that he still cares and will be responsible for the baby. How does being responsible mean dragging the kids back and forth from homes. How is that being a good father. He is just running from problems and never faces them.

I am venting and hope for some encouragement. I am trying and I do pray for him. I try to put my faith in the Lord that he will chasen him in His time. Gosh, sometimes I wish it was now. I am getting excited thought to have a little tiny baby from God to help me be positive of the beautiful things life can bring despite the many evils in this world.

The buck wasn't a blessing, it was a curse.

He was basically paid off to lose the time which was truly important for something that will be fleeting.

I'd rather have my family than go and kill a deer any day and I LOVE to hunt.

One day he will look back and realize what a grave mistake it was.

Since you are a Christian, I will share something with you that I once read.

A woman was having problems in her marriage. Her children were showing signs of wayward behavior, and she was really anxious, worried, and scared.

Whenever these concerns would come to her mind, she would close her eyes and visualize herself picking up each member of her family and laying them at the foot of the cross, asking Jesus to heal them/the situation.

It's one way of helping you let it go.

When we throw the tiniest pebble into the biggest lake, there is a rippling effect. I've even heard that the fluttering of butterfly wings actually has an effect on the weather.

It is very reasonable to think that the poor choices we make in life will have a rippling effect in the other areas of our life.

When your second husband, brother, or father is walking your daughter down the isle...when your ex husband takes your son fishing and your son tells him he already knows how, that Uncle so and so taught him...oh well. (shrug)

These are all potential milestones in your children's lives that your husband may have tossed aside. Their respect. Their trust...gone. Their dependence on him. Gone.

I have always gotten a lot of help from the Beatitudes. You may want to turn to them when your hurt is greatest.

I think that his penance will not be huge and all at once. I think it will haunt him throughout his life, pin [censored] by pin [censored] as your children and step children reveal to him that life went on without his presence in their lives, without his involvement, without his 'help.'

There is no greater hurt than rejection, as you know, and losing the esteem of your children, your spouse, your co workers, your family - all due to infidelity has got to be painful.

I believe that once the appeal of sex with her dissipates, he will likely leave her. Statistics seem to support this. That doesn't mean he will come back. He may move on and continue the same behavior with other women. But he'll be like a man with no real home - nothing solid and meaningful in his life, nothing rooted and secure.

He is so use to having his kids go back and forth to two different homes that he seriously doesn't care. He gets his time to do whatever he wants. One time he told me, "I hate to be alone." I told a co-worker at work I was getting a divorce and the situation. Her husband works were my H works and has heard about this woman who sleeps around with all these guys. This is the women he is co-habitating with. Either they have an open relationship and she is messing around and so is he on the side. He doesn't have to commit to anything or be responsible. He gets his kids on certain days and all is well. I am trying to relocate only 2 hours away and he is fighting me on that. Either he doesn't want me to go cause it is a control issue for him but he says he wants to see his kids. Yet, the last two weeks he has been late or had my son be babysat while he went hunting.

I got a letter today of scheduling to see a court appointed child psychologist. I have sole custody now and don't go back to court until Feb. 1st. I want to mention to the psychologist about the behavior my H is showing and how this other woman is. Obviously, this relationship will not last and my son and new baby girl will witness woman in and out of the home. I am trying to put in the papers that no unrelated female reside with my H while my kids are present and that goes for me too. I am christian and don't believe in co-habitating anyway before marriage. I just want to protect my kids. My son is not allowed to spend the night as of now at his place. The funny thing is my H is still going to church. He didn't go last week cause I think he was out too late partying with this OW. I have prayed to the Lord to take over cause now it is in his hands. He still loves my H and wants him to come back to him but he loves my children too and I doubt he would want them around my H if his behavior is like this. What an awful example he is setting for them. Thanks for the encouragement and I am trying to give it to God and trying not to be so angry. However, I am in the middle of this divorce and want to protect my kids as much as I can.

For now, take care of yourself and the new baby. Don't get stressted out. And make sure your doctors know what is going on in your life, in case the stress begins to affect the baby.

Do you have a birthing plan? Will you allow him in the delivery room? What instructions will you give to the nurses about that?

I hope you have the support to help you through this difficult time.

It is Thanksgiving, and soon you will bring a new life into the world, one you will be immensely thankful for.

Regardless of our X's, we all cherish the best part of the marriage, our children.

May God bless you through this holiday season.